Miscellaneous: Today, I went out for a smoke break. A homeless person walks...

By Kaboom - Canada

Today, I went out for a smoke break. A homeless person walks up to me and asks for a cig. As I pull out my pack he says "Oh... Menthols... no I don't smoke that cheap shit". I was called cheap by a hobo. FML

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Miscellaneous

BO Central

Buzzing the tower

They're everywhere

By Getthelysol

Today, I gave my 8-month-old a bath in the kitchen sink after dinner, like I always do. Today, she decided to poop in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had an important powerpoint presentation for ALL the big execs at work. It seems that during my lunch break, my boyfriend IMed me on my mac saying "Feeling so horny right now, come home for a quicky like last week?" I didn't see it until the presentation. So did the executives. FML

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By InnocenceBlue - Australia - Perth

Today, I finally sorted out my health insurance and went to the doctor. After seeing my X-rays and confirming I still had scoliosis, he also confirmed arthritis in both hips, 2 exploded discs and that I have "the back of a 50 year-old." I'm 24. FML

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By reallythough - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I forgot to log out of my Facebook account before leaving for work. When I got back home, I discovered that my brother had gone through and commented "quack" on all my friend's duckfacing photos. She was not pleased. FML

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By shades - United Kingdom

Today, at our wedding reception my new father-in-law gave his speech, saying his little girl was too good for me. Everyone, including my parents, agreed. FML

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By jakethed0g - United Kingdom

Today, I was camping with my family, and had to share a tent with my 13 year old brother. During the night he had to pee, but instead of going outside to use the bathroom, he zipped open a section of the tent, stuck his knob through it, and peed all over my shoes that were drying outside. FML

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By halloweensucks - United States

Today, I spent over an hour decorating my house for trick or treaters. I never got one person at my door because I forgot to unlock my gate. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I invited my girlfriend to go eat out, hoping to put her in a really romantic mood. She decided to tell her friend, who then invited herself and another couple along. I ended up being made fifth wheel, and had to sit alone at an adjacent table. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2021 19:01 - United Kingdom - London

The real me

Today, after three days of dating a boy I liked, he came out as gay on his Instagram. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in my car studying on the campus parking lot. It was cold outside so I had the windows up. I had a severe upset stomach and was privately drowning in my own flatulence. Moments later, my crush knocks on the window to ask me something. I had to roll the windows down. FML

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By foxyreegan - United States

Today, I choked on my saliva during a medical interview. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Airdrie

Today, my dog had her stomach pumped because she ate some cookies. The 100 cookies I made for a bake sale to be exact. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Uddingston

Today, I got dragged to dinner with my grandparents. It was awful from the start, but things took a turn for the worse when my grandpa went to give me a kiss on the cheek as we left. I could clearly see lice crawling around in his beard, and I couldn't stop it from touching my face. FML

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By umm...no - United States - Keller

Today, I answered a call from a customer. She expected me to exchange her item without her actually having to go to one of our 800+ stores. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my roommate brought a guy home at 3:30am. Not having a condom, she ran into my room to borrow one of mine. She was overzealous, jumped onto my bed, and cracked two of my ribs. She then took the condom, left me lying paralyzed with pain, and then had very loud sex, which I heard. FML

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By KittenTitz - 3/5/2020 20:00

Planned parenthood

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. I also found out that the dad has a fiancée. FML

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By casey - United States

Today, I was sitting at home when I remembered that I desperately needed gas for my car. On my way there, I prayed that my car would make it the whole way, and was thankful when I pulled up to the pump, because I knew my car wouldn't go any further. Then I realized I left my wallet at my house. FML

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By screaming monkey - United Kingdom - Whitton

Today, I'm recovering from colon surgery. They gave me codeine as pain relief, which has made me constipated. I'm currently sat on the toilet, trying to push out what feels like a small child wrapped in barbed wire out without busting my stitches. FML

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By cumguzzler - United States

Today, I was at this awesome party and I was dancing with this really attractive girl who started making out with me all of a sudden. Five minutes later, my friend told me that the girl had just given him a blowjob. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2020 14:00

You ass!

Today, my jerk of an ex messaged to apologize for dumping me two weeks ago. I took the high road and was overtly polite and friendly, hoping to end things civil. Our conversation ended when he casually mentioned he is moving in with his new girlfriend. FML

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By Sally - United States

Today, I got a spray tan. The lady asked what shade I wanted to be, and joking, I said the darkest. She took it seriously. Now no one can recognize me, and I have work tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - Bulgaria - Sofia

Get it on, bang a gong

Today, I'm dating the perfect guy. He's smart, considerate, charming, funny, good looking and we have a ton of interests in common. He also can't get it up. At all. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, while on the bus, a small child asked me if I was having a baby, and I replied "Yes." I'm not. I was just too ashamed to admit I was fat. FML

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By victimofakarmicbackfire - 12/2/2021 04:58

Still better off without him

Today, my sister showed me my arrogant, misogynistic, cheating ex’s Facebook. Since we broke up, he’s become an officer in the Marines and has traveled the world. I’m clinically depressed and in poverty. FML

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By Quest for fun

Today, I was on a bus traveling from Denver to San Francisco with my boyfriend. We hoping to see some amazing sights and escape from stress. However, the bus breaking down in the middle of the desert and being forced to stay in a ratty motel was neither an amazing sight, nor stress relieving. FML

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By its_all_legit - United States

Today, my parents, who are out of town but driving back tomorrow, called to see how I was doing. They asked if I'd thrown a party in their absence, and I said no. My dad replied, "Well I'm currently looking at pictures on Facebook of our kitchen with beer and a bong on the table." FML

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By WiredUp - 21/8/2020 13:05 - Australia - Brisbane

The struggle is real

Today, my step-kids proudly announced that their mum lets them drink coffee at her house. They both have ADD and I've been struggling for months to get them to eat right. Hello futility. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom walks into my room, with a serious look on her face asks me "When a man is getting it from behind, the man on top orgasms, but what happens to the man on bottom? Do you think he takes care of himself or what?" Hand motions were included. FML

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By idonthavelice - China

Today, while I was standing in the elevator with a few people I just met when I moved in yesterday, I felt something fall on my hair and dusted it off. It was a cockroach. None of them will come within a 1m distance to me now, because they all think I've got lice. Welcome to the building! FML

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By Alfie4 - United Kingdom

Today, my son asked me for advice over his girlfriend not "respecting" his pathetic need for near-constant sex. I got so bored listening to the misogynistic horse-shit spewing out of his mouth that I totally zoned out. I came to as he started hurling abuse at me for not siding with him. FML

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By madela - 28/10/2020 07:56

Drugs

Today, my daughter admitted that she sometimes forgets her own name upon waking. She’s 15. FML

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By roadkill0321 - United States

Today, my recently ex-girlfriend's mother called me regarding her baby girl, saying, "If you mess with the chicklet, you mess with the momma hen." I have no idea what the hell this means for my future, but I'm a bit scared. FML

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By TheStroker

Today, I was cleaning off a carrot by rubbing it up and down under the tap over the sink. My 13-year-old son comes in and says, "Mom, you could get a job doing that." I told him that a carrot cleaner wouldn't make much money. He says, "I wasn't talking about carrots." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gonzales

Today, my boyfriend kicked me out and threatened to get a restraining order after I called him an asshole. I'm 16 weeks pregnant and over 1,000 miles away from my parents' house. FML

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By brebis - France

Today, when I threw away my cigarette out of the car window, the wind blew it back in again. My trousers got completely burnt. FML

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By Jack.mercado - United States

Today, being the new driver I am, I was trying to keep my speed at posted because I know that cops will target me. I ended up getting pulled over for my too-low speed and given a ticket because I was holding up a line of cars. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2020 02:00

Fresh air

Today, my parents actually kicked me into the back garden and made me sit outside for an hour so they could have sex without having to worry about me hearing them go at each other like a pair of 15-stone rabbits hopped up on Viagra. FML

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By dad - United States

Today, my daughter had just left for a date with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, she runs back in the house screaming "I forgot to take my birth control!" That is not something a father wants to hear. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was robbed at work. The guy stole my cell phone, bag, and laptop. Because of the robbery, I had to close the store two and a half hours early. My boss decided to dock my hours. FML

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By Anonymous - Malta - Naxxar

Today, I got really anxious thinking I was going to piss off the guy behind me by not moving off at a stop light fast enough. It got so bad that I had a panic attack right there in my car. FML

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Top comments

By flirty19 | 0

#2660373 - Saturday 11 June 2011 15:02

YDI for smoking.

By Lizzy86 | 0

#130042 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 20:02

haha! thats hilarious! btw, i smoke menthols too, i like the way they clear my nose.

COMMENTS

By Lizzy86 | 0

#130042 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 20:02

haha! thats hilarious! btw, i smoke menthols too, i like the way they clear my nose.

somename1223132 | 5

#1096487 - Friday 16 July 2010 5:39

owned

McCamryn123 | 0

#1363603 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 3:17

actually methenols have more chemicals in them then camels or whatever. usually leading to being more addictive then camels or whatever. the hobo was just saying that stuff is shit.