Today, I was working at the mall as Santa, when a little girl... - FML

By Santa - 12/12/2011 21:45 - Canada

Today, I was working at the mall as Santa, when a little girl took a shit in my lap. FML

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Season finale

Buzzing the tower

Great guy

By parkinglotslayer - 11/6/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, my family and I were parking downtown when my sister yelled to watch out for a man approaching our car. I see him pull something from his pocket. I yell "It's a knife, don't roll down the window!" It was a pen, he was the parking attendant and the window was already rolled down. FML

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By charlie - 10/5/2009 01:48 - United States

Today, my mom asked if I wanted to come to dinner with my parents and my grandparents who are in from London. When we got to the restaurant, there was a wait. My mom made me walk home because they could get a table quicker for a group of four than a group of five. FML

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By philip708 - 27/8/2015 06:46 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I helped an old man who fell over. Turns out he was drunk and had pissed himself. He decided to thank me with a hug. FML

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By GuillermoCJ - 22/1/2011 05:36 - Mexico

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house and had to go to the bathroom. While peeing, I had a cough attack. The cough shook my body, making me pee all over my pants. My girlfriend's parents just arrived. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2020 17:00

Call CPS!

Today, I discovered via my webcam that my brother believes in teaching babies to self-soothe, which in practice means ignoring my baby until she stops crying, only changing the nappy once in the 7 hours I was at work, and forgetting to feed her at all because he’s too busy watching Netflix. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2012 07:23 - United States

Today, while at work, a customer gave me a $20 tip. I explained to him we aren't allowed to accept tips, but he insisted. When I called the manager to report it, he pocketed my tip. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2015 10:18 - United Kingdom - Southam

Today, I got called a "politically correct loser" by a woman at the supermarket, all because I said I didn't want to find out the gender of my baby until birth. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 06:37 - Australia

Today, I discovered the top I'm wearing becomes completely see-through when it rains. I just got caught in a storm on my lunch break, and still have 3 hours of work to go in my male dominated office. FML

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By egged - 1/10/2009 06:43 - Singapore

Today, I came home from work and found my house egged, and bricks thrown through my windows. I called the police, and submitted a report. Later that night, I heard the doorbell ring. Nobody was at the house, but there was a note saying "Sorry, wrong house". FML

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By Electric Eddy - 22/5/2017 00:00

Today, I got up at 2:30 a.m. to catch an early flight home. I was tired and drowsy and took a quick shower to wake me up. Two minutes in, the water turned scalding hot on all settings. I ended up having to rinse my hair with bottles of sparkling water from the hotel minibar. FML

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By Ndanick1193 - 17/10/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I found out that if you let your son install a new shower head, he won't tighten it properly. So when you turn the shower on, it will shoot out at rocket speed, hitting you in the face. Then when you grab the shower handle to prevent yourself falling backwards, you will just rip that out and hit your head again. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2013 21:57 - United States - Stillwater

Today, I was taken to the principal's office and bitched out about the dangerous weapon I brought to school. The "weapon" was a pocket fan. FML

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By Kelly - 26/5/2019 20:30

Today, my mom dropped me off at a friend's house. Upon leaving, my friend's mom said how much I looked like my mother. My mother then replied, "That's funny, she was adopted." This was the first I'd heard of this. FML

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By neoteck - 8/1/2009 07:55 - France

Today, I was talking to a charming young lady on MSN by webcam. She suddenly asked me to take my glasses off for a minute; I did so, and she said, "Oh never mind, you're still just as ugly..." FML

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By jaimie - 19/3/2011 16:00 - United States

Today, we were going to Disney World all the way from North Carolina. After 12 hours of driving, my kids started fighting and complaining. My husband finally said, "If I hear you guys one more time we're turning around and going back home." They annoyed him once again, and we actually went home. FML

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By L0L59 - 7/9/2018 14:30

Today, I got my braces checked by another orthodontist since I've had them for years and my teeth never got the way they should be. After 8 years and 27 x-ray exams, my orthodontist didn't do much except loosen the root of the tooth to the point where I can move it. FML

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By a268 - 2/2/2009 09:29 - United Kingdom

Today, I came home early from work and discovered my husband wearing a black babydoll nightdress, black stockings and high heels... He says it helps him to relax. FML

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By MotherMary - 12/10/2014 13:21 - United States - Park Hills

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of three years, who can't get it up for me and has been blaming blood pressure issues, apparently has no problem getting it up while watching the neighbor undress from our window. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, at work, I was walking to the back office, and I didn't know my manager was following me. After I walked through the door, without looking, I reached behind me to close it. Instead of grabbing the door handle, I got a handful of his crotch. FML

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By Calimero0 - 5/12/2017 01:30

Today, I felt so unwell that I didn't fall asleep until 4 AM. The baby woke up at 5, ready to start the day. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2013 16:36 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I found out that even though my boyfriend thinks that peeing on me in the shower is acceptable, he will still freak out and call me disgusting if I try to use the toilet while he's taking a shower. FML

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By Elgrin - 17/6/2016 18:03 - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I woke up to something crawling on my leg. Thinking it might be a spider, I jumped out frantically to check. The good news: it's not a spider. The bad news: it's a bedbug. My apartment was just treated for them. FML

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By lovethyneighbour - 4/8/2014 00:19 - Australia - Berowra

Today, my neighbour casually mentioned that he sold my car's GPS that I'd let him borrow. He figured I wouldn't be needing it anymore since I lost my license. FML

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By Deconstructed - 19/5/2009 20:13 - United States

Today, my husband let me sleep in while he worked on the landscaping by our backyard pool. Ready for a shower, I stripped naked, opened the back door to let the dog out, and stepped out to ask him how it was going. Turns out he'd finally hired a landscaping crew. FML

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By none - 22/8/2013 04:27 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I had sex. The guy texted me an hour later, saying, "That was awkward. Let's not do that again." FML

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By P057M4N - 1/10/2020 04:02 - United States - Raleigh

One law for me…

Today, my co-worker called out for the sixth time in 2 weeks with no reason, while my manager was out until noon. It was just the three of us in my department. He’s had 0 repercussions and has been doing this for months. They threatened to fire me for taking 5 minutes in the bathroom. FML

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By musamalia - 6/1/2009 11:58 - France

Today, a very pretty girl came up to me and asked me for my phone number. Very pleased, I give it to her with a huge smile and tell her that I can be reached at any time. I then watch her go back to her group of friends. My number was for her gay friend, who then meekly waved at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2014 16:09 - Norway - Egersund

Today, my 17-year-old son managed to easily convince my 13-year-old daughter that if you have sex before getting married, you'll instantly get horrible diseases that will kill you. Her freaking out is how I found out she's not only gullible as hell, but sexually active as well. FML

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By anon - 20/7/2011 07:55 - Canada

Today, my neighbor finally cut the grass on his front lawn. At 2 in the morning. FML

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By twinkie2 - 21/1/2011 08:35 - United States

Today, I treated myself to a cheeseburger. I left it on my coffee table while I grabbed a napkin from the kitchen. While I was gone my dog ate it. Then puked it up all over my carpet. Which I then had to clean up. FML

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By joAnne - 3/3/2009 21:36 - United States

Today, I went to visit my fiancé's dying grandmother in the hospital with him. She started talking to us about living each day to the fullest. His grandmother points to me and says, "Life is short. That's why you don't waste any time screwing girls who look like that." FML

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By suckmeoff - 12/4/2009 07:21 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My grandma gave me a hug and a check after wishing me a happy birthday and walked away giggling. I was excited because it was the only gift I had gotten all day. Ten minutes later, I realized that it was actually just my tax refund. FML

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By :| - 16/4/2011 02:04 - Canada

Today, I was sitting in the park eating a sandwich, when a homeless guy asked me for some spare change. I said I didn't have any. He offered an "erotic striptease" in exchange for my sandwich. I said no. He gave one anyway. I walked back to work on an empty stomach. FML

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By mooselord - 5/12/2013 17:41 - United States

Today, I was driving home, when a truck overtook me. Two of the Christmas trees it was carrying fell off straight into my bumper. The car behind me pulled over, but instead of seeing if I was okay, he just went to see whether or not either of the trees was in good enough shape to take home. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2014 09:56 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my wooden floor gave me a splinter on the bottom of my foot. I don't have the flexibility nor the eyesight to find it. FML

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By justwantingtohelp - 16/8/2013 05:02 - United States - Highland

Today, a child was choking in the store I work at. He was alone in the aisle, so I started the Heimlich without his parents' permission. After dislodging what was caught, his mother turned the corner and went screaming to my manager for touching her kid. I got a write up. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2013 21:15 - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, I just about managed to convince the judge to overlook my client's emotional outbursts in the courtroom, promising that he'd be on his best behavior from now on. An hour later, he screamed "FUCK YOU!" at the judge for telling him to quiet down. I hate my job. FML

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By unsatisfying - 28/10/2010 05:05 - Australia

Countdown

Today, my wife checked the time while we were having sex. Twice. FML

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By Maxime - 20/11/2008 10:19 - France

Today, after making love to my girlfriend, I realised that the phone was on the bed and because of the movements, it called my dad by itself. It went to voicemail. My dad will soon have all the details. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2014 16:59 - Egypt

Today, my non-English-speaking grandma bought me a new t-shirt. It would've been sweet if it didn't have the word "bondage" written on the back in pretty, bold letters. I had no choice but to wear it while we went shopping. FML

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Top comments

By ThaBeasty01 | 5

#3722279 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:34

shit happens .

By forthepainx3 | 0

#3722297 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:35

and of course 5 out of 6 of the first comments have something to do with the word shit.

COMMENTS

By ThaBeasty01 | 5

#3722279 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:34

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Mendara_fml | 0

#3722350 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:41

I was really hoping someone besides me would have noticed how much a relief this post was rather than "I saw a mall Santa doing X or Y and it ruined my little sibling/child's life".

Reply

nalia18 | 8

#3722365 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:43

What? She was just givinh santa some christmas fudge...

Reply

enonymous | 8

#3722392 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:47

Well it's rude if you don't let her wipe with your beard.

Reply

Damn_Hippster | 11

#3722449 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:54

"for Christmas I would like a healthy bowel movement"

Reply

Meowingtons500 | 18

#3722509 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:02

All I want for Christmas, is poo.
Poo ooo babyy! :D

Reply

changesinme | 0

#3722558 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:13

It's tough being Santa, sometimes you have to literally take crap from kids

Reply

angrymexican | 8

#3722568 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:16

She was giving you a big warm seasons greetings.

Reply

theduff | 0

#3722602 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:23

That ho!

Reply

baseball6917 | 8

#3722655 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:32

"I bet no one has ever given Santa a present..."

Reply

midnightxloner | 1

#3722703 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:42

72- what do you think the cookies and milk are for :3?

Reply

Tommananaze6T9 | 4

#3722801 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 2:06

Thats to make up for all the evil things u mall santas have been doing to people this holiday season

Reply

sExxicHiCky123 | 0

#3722805 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 2:06

Some ones going on the naughty list.

Reply

FarSide | 22

#3722833 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 2:11

"That's for not bringing me jack shit last year."

Reply

eili_fml | 0

#3722891 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 2:23

Tis the season eh?

Reply

umm_Talk | 9

#3722945 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 2:32

Christmas bonus.

Reply

xoconnie | 8

#3723169 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 3:42

well she was wearing pants... i hope... so it couldnt have been that bad! how did it seap through all those layers?????! thats sick!

Reply

austin_elise9 | 3

#3723234 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 3:55

hahaha thats a good en'

Reply

foreveraloneXC | 10

#3723279 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 4:07

That stinks

Reply

ihasbrains | 10

#3723362 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 4:23

You're not Santa. You smell like beef and shit!

Reply

Pandakins12 | 0

#3723428 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 4:40

Oh, how clever

Reply

kayomi | 1

#3723605 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 5:36

Your nasty

Reply

Blacksabbath211 | 9

#3723633 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 5:43

Puts on sunglasses

What a shitty situation;)

No? Okay then, *sits back down

Reply

uniongirl02 | 0

#3723723 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 6:17

Merry Christmas?

Reply

catseventhst | 0

#3723855 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 7:03

Duke nukem ?

Reply

Jonkbaby | 19

#3724733 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 12:37

i hope OP's not into this kind of thing

Reply

hinchkongfang | 0

#3726983 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 23:12

Have a shitty Christmas, OP

Reply

ImFrackinBored | 13

#3735743 - Thursday 15 December 2011 21:02

3 comments, 3 shitty puns....
Four....

Reply

paulie1998 | 0

#3750089 - Sunday 18 December 2011 18:37

Anal secks luv liberal federalists july mr menses you idiot!!!!!

Reply

SebastianG | 2

#3995159 - Sunday 5 February 2012 7:27

This comment annoys the hell out of me OH hahaha you made a pun... Someone is gonna have a lonely life ;)

By lilmissdangerous | 7

#3722287 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:34

Well ain't that shitty

Reply

SillyFart | 7

#3722428 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:51

Well ain't that a shitty comment

Reply

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#3722463 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:55

And quite witty, just not funny..

Reply

blue_mist | 7

#3722527 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

TherealMort | 0

#3722561 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:14

That's your present from her

Reply

IndigoAcrylic | 9

#3722674 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:36

BAHAHAHA ;D Puns are fun ^^

Reply

rexgar2000 | 10

#3723263 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 4:04

he's shit out of luck.

Reply

Beeftinkle | 13

#3723964 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 7:37

That's what u get for never bringin them wat they want. They finaly decided to strike bak

By danomite11 | 0

#3722289 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:34

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3722593 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:21

Chill. PM them if it bothers you that much.

Reply

uprising_fml | 0

#3723070 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 3:07

well your comment was unnecessary .

Reply

bitchslapped22 | 14

#3723231 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 3:54

What makes him a jerk?

Reply

gregorrok1 | 0

#3723435 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 4:42

Dirty Santa...

Reply

graham11 | 14

#3723572 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 5:24

This was the most original comment I've ever seen!! NOT. Won't people ever learn??

By _streets_ | 19

#3722291 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:35

Well when you gotta go, you gotta go.

Reply

zombicidal | 11

#3722544 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:08

who says it wasn't?

Reply

LuxAeterna_fml | 0

#3722637 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:28

I think OP would have mentioned it if it was.

Reply

Llama_Face89 | 33

#3722839 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 2:12

Fuck the Oilers!!! GO HABS!!! Sorry...

Reply

pie29302930 | 0

#3723159 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 3:35

Fuck the Habs and Oilers. Go Sabres!!!!!

Reply

CalCommando | 6

#3723470 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 4:55

She left you some coal because you were naughty...

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#3723983 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 7:44

Yes. Jeff Goldblum taught me this.

Reply

skittihorse | 8

#3725121 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 15:06

The oilers are beast

Reply

Awesomehobo44 | 3

#3727170 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 23:50

YAAAAAAAA BUDDY GO OILERS!

By proski | 0

#3722293 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:35

That's a shitty situation.

Reply

SillyFart | 7

#3722486 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:58

That's a shitty situation.

Reply

japtch | 15

#3723114 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 3:17

That's a shitty situation.

Reply

rachellooo | 0

#3723136 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 3:25

C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER

Reply

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#3723219 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 3:52

I bet Santa was like: HO HO HO and what would you like for Chris- wait WHAT the FUUU... Merry christmas, NEXT!

Reply

graham11 | 14

#3723623 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 5:40

I guarantee the next person who says "that's a shitty situation" will get their comment buried. Just a guess..

By forthepainx3 | 0

#3722297 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:35

and of course 5 out of 6 of the first comments have something to do with the word shit.

Reply

supersmeg12345 | 10

#3722317 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:37

Well of course you muppet it's a shitty FML

Reply

zoPwNAgEzo | 21

#3722377 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:44

Muppet?

Reply

AnnaMarieGoodson | 3

#3722458 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:55

Lmao, and your picture is a nasty ass pad.

Reply

FarSide | 22

#3722847 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 2:14

You were expecting comments about candy canes??

Reply

leogirl95 | 12

#3723537 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 5:13

Well, they wouldn't be about raw, bloody, itchy armpits...

By bigAC | 6

#3722299 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:35

Aannnd here come the puns...

Reply

Xx_Dakota_xX | 1

#3722988 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 2:45

OP it's a christmas miracle! :D

Reply

Spinnmaster | 1

#3724111 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 8:45

I could have sworn someone saying something bout Santa having a boner in a girls lap

By PSQ91 | 6

#3722303 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:36

Wait what? No pants or panties?

Reply

purpleheartzz | 5

#3722665 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:34

I thought the same thing !?

Reply

Androidz | 0

#3722731 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:49

Maybe op is Jerry Sandusky.

Reply

shanemaximo | 7

#3722751 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:53

No no 85, he said "little girl."

Reply

Androidz | 0

#3722764 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:56

I see. I see. I shall now bend over and spread my ass cheeks for the thumbs down.

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3722779 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 2:00

Guys, think about the stench and the moistness.

Reply

Androidz | 0

#3722812 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 2:08

93 are we still talking about shit?

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3722857 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 2:16

Excrement, yes.

Reply

Awesomehobo44 | 3

#3727198 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 23:52

Haha ya that's what I thought when I read this!

By thinkucandance | 0

#3722307 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:36

Such original comments!!!:D

By FYLDeep | 25

#3722309 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:36

Did she ask for some toilet paper for Christmas?