Kids: Today, I was working at the mall as Santa, when a little girl... - FML

By Santa - Canada

Today, I was working at the mall as Santa, when a little girl took a shit in my lap. FML

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Good kid

BO Central

Plumbed out

By I stink

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally able to settle on having a day out together after putting it off for months because of work/other random reasons. This morning I woke up with the worst case of diarrhea I’ve ever had in my life. I won’t be leaving the bathroom anytime soon. FML

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By dany - United States - Lancaster

Today, I discovered that when my professor had said "For every A there will be an F," he was deadly serious. I earned a 94% mark, which in this class is known as a D. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2021 17:01 - Germany - Zittau

Baby's high

Today, I think my cat is getting high. Whenever she finds her drug of choice, she sniffs it, then rolls around in it, purring ecstatically. Typical catnip reaction, right? Wrong. It’s my dirty underwear she's into. FML

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By toastynippies - United States

Cheers

Today, my mom sent me a picture of a blank piece of paper, saying it was a drawing of all the people who wanted to date me. FML

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By embarrassed - Australia

Today, I went out with my boyfriend and thought I'd wear two bras under my singlet-top to make my chest look bigger. Upon leaving Target, one of the security guards noticed the extra straps and accused me of shoplifting. I had to spend the next 20 minutes explaining the situation to security. FML

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By anda1000douchesscourthispostformistakes - United States - Meriden

Today, I made it onto my boss's shit-list, after pointing out that he'd misspelled "customer" as "costumer" 6 times in his report, and "college education" as "collage education" twice. It'd be a dick move on his part even if making corrections like this weren't part of my damn job. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I drove 100 miles from my parents house to mine. I had only a few miles left when I realized I really had to pee. I didn't want to pull over somewhere when I was so close to home, so I sped up. A cop pulled me over a block from my house. I started to sob, and ended up peeing myself. FML

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By Rex - United States - Camden

Do Not Pass Go

Today, I started at a new college. I bought my textbooks and went to my first class only to find out that they changed my schedule without telling me. I'd already opened the book. I could not get $200 back. FML

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By Accident-prone af - 7/7/2020 20:02

Kitchen nightmares

Today, while making milkshakes, I was pouring and the blender's blades all fell out somehow. I don't know what's worse, that I sliced my finger open when the blades fell out and now there's blood all over, that there's now melted ice cream all over my counter and floor, or that I just wasted an entire tub of ice cream. FML

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By minnie - 23/2/2021 04:58

#1 Mom of the Year

Today, while trying to walk past my mother in the hallway, I hesitated because she suddenly moved to the side. She screamed at me for a solid five minutes about not being able to "predict her movements." And she wonders why I’m suicidal. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my future mother-in-law started shit-talking me on Facebook, and we got into a heated argument. She called me later in the day, saying I'll be lucky if I ever marry her son and that, "You'll suffer to your last breath." I'm now terrified to set foot outside. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got hypnotized in front of my entire school. Once I was hypnotized the guy told me that the hottest celebrity in the world was in the audience and then he told me to point out who I saw. I said I saw Mick Jagger. I'm a guy. FML

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By papergirl - United States

Today, I went to a fancy restaurant. I was coming right from work and brought a change of clothes with me. I parked in an empty corner of the parking lot to change. As I was pulling my pants up, I noticed that I was facing an apartment complex where an old guy was watching me from his balcony. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I invited my girlfriend to go eat out, hoping to put her in a really romantic mood. She decided to tell her friend, who then invited herself and another couple along. I ended up being made fifth wheel, and had to sit alone at an adjacent table. FML

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By Ryoichi - Germany

Today, it was my dad's retirement. He is traditional Japanese, so I had custom-ordered a samurai sword from a traditional Japanese blacksmith with dad's name engraved on the blade in kanji script. He loved it, right up til my drunk cousin tried to use it to cut down a tree and snapped it in two. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Roswell

Today, at a post-Christmas party, I saw a cute girl standing underneath a mistletoe. I walked up to her and pointed out that we were both standing under a mistletoe. She looked at me, winced, and quickly walked away. FML

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By

Today, my parents accidentally bounced some checks through a miscommunication. They now owe the bank $700 and can't afford groceries, which means we're relying on me, a 17-year-old girl who works at McDonald's 2 days a week, to get us by for the next few weeks. FML

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By mortifying - United Kingdom - Harlow

Skinny girl

Today, I started playing footsie with the girl I like next to me in Biology. Turns out it was the table leg. FML

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By Poser - Canada

Today, I was at a bar and met this great guy. He was going outside for a smoke and I wanted to go too. Since I don't smoke, I decided to borrow one of my friends cigarettes as an excuse to go outside with him. As I was lighting the cigarette, he pointed out that I was lighting the wrong end. FML

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By Reek - United States

Today, I told my friend I'm going vegetarian. He's now calling me "Reek" after the guy from Game of Thrones, because I'm apparently a "dickless loser" now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after having my jaw wired shut for 2 months, I finally got to eat. During the first bite of my sandwich I pulled my jaw out of place. FML

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By dumping time - United Kingdom - Aylesford

Today, I woke up to my balls covered in Icy Hot, a big old "fuck you" note from my girlfriend, and my door slamming shut. I'm starting to get the distinct impression I shouldn't have made that off-hand remark last night about her PMSing, after she rage-quit a game of Mario Kart. FML

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By sleeping on the floor - United States - Fairfield

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. It wasn't until the huge fight which ended with us breaking up did I realize that I was snowed in with him. One day down, two to go. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I went down on my boyfriend while he was drunk, and he told me to get protection from his bedroom. I came back, he was passed out on the couch. His parents then came into the room after hearing noises. I was sitting there naked holding a condom while he was fast asleep. FML

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By observant - United States

Today, my mom was giving me a long lecture about being aware of my surroundings, because you never know what's out there. While she was talking, I noticed a drug deal going down in the Walmart parking lot. She didn't notice. FML

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By Anonymous

Hello everyone!

Today, my boyfriend and I were sexting, and he asked me if I would be naked and waiting for him when he got home. When he told me he was on his way, I took my clothes off and got into bed. What he didn’t tell me was he was bringing friends to pick up a desk from our place for their office. FML

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By assante2010 - United States

Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML

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By CutestBoysEver - United States - Fruita

Today, I went to the hospital in labor expecting a baby boy. I ended the day with identical twins, a baffled doctor, and a husband convinced that our sons can clone themselves. FML

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By Fark - United Kingdom

Today, I had a dream I was going the bathroom. I then woke up peeing, but I didn’t wet the bed yet. As I ran to the bathroom while half asleep and in the dark, I rammed into the wall. On my way back to bed, I tripped and accidentally slapped my fiancé in an effort to stop myself from falling over. FML

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By Sue - United States

Today, I co-starred in a production of Hamlet. Halfway through play, the actor playing Hamlet forgot his lines, threw a raging temper tantrum, screaming about how much he hated the play and how he wanted to go home in front of hundreds of audience members. FML

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By stillavirgin - Canada

Today, I changed my 2009 new year's resolution to lose my virginity to my 2010 new year's resolution. FML

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By jsalmons - Germany

Today, I flew home to Germany to see my wife before I'm deployed, only to find her in bed with another guy. She explained that she wants us to stay together, but she can't take a year without being intimate with someone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Corona

Today, my brother got pantsed by his idiot friends. It was a surprise to everyone that he was wearing women's underwear at the time, but even more of a surprise for me that the underwear belonged to me. FML

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By badtimingdude - Mauritius

Today, I lost a bet with my girlfriend. I now have to wear a shirt saying "Worlds Smallest Penis" everywhere I go for a month. FML

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By Jeff

Fight Club for Dummies

Today, my boyfriend and I were play fighting. He said, "I should stop trying to hurt you," before punching me in the face. I lost a tooth. He found it hilarious. FML

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By weirdome23 - United States

Today, my "friend" told me I was weird and irritating. Yet she has an unhealthy obsession with Harry Potter, hates people in general, and has a Facebook for her cat. Yeah, I'm the weird one. FML

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By Anonymous

Stir crazy, part 16

Today, my wife was so sick of being isolated with the kids while I, a key worker, got to "escape" to work everyday, that she locked herself in our room and got completely trashed on my cider, meaning I had to stay at home with the kids instead of helping my elderly patients. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend chooses extra shifts at work over hanging out with me. Every time. She doesn't even like her job. FML

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By Mojo0608 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my 16-year-old brother once again scored well at a local archery competition. He got home and, once again, unleashed his "spectacular aim" at the toilet - or rather the toilet seat and surrounding floor. He refuses to clean the bathroom we share every single time he does this. FML

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By nosleep - Canada - Calgary

Today, my boyfriend read online that oversleeping has been linked to strokes later in life. He's now taken it upon himself to protect me by making sure that I have as minimal sleep as possible. FML

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Top comments

By ThaBeasty01 | 5

#3722279 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:34

shit happens .

By forthepainx3 | 0

#3722297 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:35

and of course 5 out of 6 of the first comments have something to do with the word shit.

COMMENTS

By ThaBeasty01 | 5

#3722279 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:34

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Mendara_fml | 0

#3722350 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:41

I was really hoping someone besides me would have noticed how much a relief this post was rather than "I saw a mall Santa doing X or Y and it ruined my little sibling/child's life".

Reply

nalia18 | 8

#3722365 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:43

What? She was just givinh santa some christmas fudge...

Reply

enonymous | 8

#3722392 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:47

Well it's rude if you don't let her wipe with your beard.

Reply

Damn_Hippster | 11

#3722449 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:54

"for Christmas I would like a healthy bowel movement"

Reply

Meowingtons500 | 18

#3722509 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:02

All I want for Christmas, is poo.
Poo ooo babyy! :D

Reply

changesinme | 0

#3722558 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:13

It's tough being Santa, sometimes you have to literally take crap from kids

Reply

angrymexican | 8

#3722568 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:16

She was giving you a big warm seasons greetings.

Reply

theduff | 0

#3722602 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:23

That ho!

Reply

baseball6917 | 8

#3722655 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:32

"I bet no one has ever given Santa a present..."

Reply

midnightxloner | 1

#3722703 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:42

72- what do you think the cookies and milk are for :3?

Reply

Tommananaze6T9 | 4

#3722801 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 2:06

Thats to make up for all the evil things u mall santas have been doing to people this holiday season

Reply

sExxicHiCky123 | 0

#3722805 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 2:06

Some ones going on the naughty list.

Reply

FarSide | 22

#3722833 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 2:11

"That's for not bringing me jack shit last year."

Reply

eili_fml | 0

#3722891 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 2:23

Tis the season eh?

Reply

umm_Talk | 9

#3722945 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 2:32

Christmas bonus.

Reply

xoconnie | 8

#3723169 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 3:42

well she was wearing pants... i hope... so it couldnt have been that bad! how did it seap through all those layers?????! thats sick!

Reply

austin_elise9 | 3

#3723234 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 3:55

hahaha thats a good en'

Reply

foreveraloneXC | 10

#3723279 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 4:07

That stinks

Reply

ihasbrains | 10

#3723362 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 4:23

You're not Santa. You smell like beef and shit!

Reply

Pandakins12 | 0

#3723428 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 4:40

Oh, how clever

Reply

kayomi | 1

#3723605 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 5:36

Your nasty

Reply

Blacksabbath211 | 9

#3723633 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 5:43

Puts on sunglasses

What a shitty situation;)

No? Okay then, *sits back down

Reply

uniongirl02 | 0

#3723723 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 6:17

Merry Christmas?

Reply

catseventhst | 0

#3723855 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 7:03

Duke nukem ?

Reply

Jonkbaby | 21

#3724733 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 12:37

i hope OP's not into this kind of thing

Reply

hinchkongfang | 0

#3726983 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 23:12

Have a shitty Christmas, OP

Reply

ImFrackinBored | 13

#3735743 - Thursday 15 December 2011 21:02

3 comments, 3 shitty puns....
Four....

Reply

paulie1998 | 0

#3750089 - Sunday 18 December 2011 18:37

Anal secks luv liberal federalists july mr menses you idiot!!!!!

Reply

#3995159 - Sunday 5 February 2012 7:27

This comment annoys the hell out of me OH hahaha you made a pun... Someone is gonna have a lonely life ;)

By lilmissdangerous | 7

#3722287 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:34

Well ain't that shitty

Reply

SillyFart | 7

#3722428 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:51

Well ain't that a shitty comment

Reply

ScaughtieHolden | 11

#3722463 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:55

And quite witty, just not funny..

Reply

blue_mist | 7

#3722527 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:05

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

TherealMort | 0

#3722561 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:14

That's your present from her

Reply

IndigoAcrylic | 9

#3722674 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:36

BAHAHAHA ;D Puns are fun ^^

Reply

rexgar2000 | 10

#3723263 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 4:04

he's shit out of luck.

Reply

Beeftinkle | 13

#3723964 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 7:37

That's what u get for never bringin them wat they want. They finaly decided to strike bak

By danomite11 | 0

#3722289 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:34

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3722593 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:21

Chill. PM them if it bothers you that much.

Reply

uprising_fml | 0

#3723070 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 3:07

well your comment was unnecessary .

Reply

bitchslapped22 | 14

#3723231 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 3:54

What makes him a jerk?

Reply

gregorrok1 | 0

#3723435 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 4:42

Dirty Santa...

Reply

graham11 | 14

#3723572 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 5:24

This was the most original comment I've ever seen!! NOT. Won't people ever learn??

By _streets_ | 19

#3722291 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:35

Well when you gotta go, you gotta go.

Reply

zombicidal | 11

#3722544 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:08

who says it wasn't?

Reply

LuxAeterna_fml | 0

#3722637 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:28

I think OP would have mentioned it if it was.

Reply

Llama_Face89 | 33

#3722839 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 2:12

Fuck the Oilers!!! GO HABS!!! Sorry...

Reply

pie29302930 | 0

#3723159 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 3:35

Fuck the Habs and Oilers. Go Sabres!!!!!

Reply

CalCommando | 6

#3723470 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 4:55

She left you some coal because you were naughty...

Reply

ohSNAPyall | 26

#3723983 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 7:44

Yes. Jeff Goldblum taught me this.

Reply

skittihorse | 8

#3725121 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 15:06

The oilers are beast

Reply

Awesomehobo44 | 3

#3727170 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 23:50

YAAAAAAAA BUDDY GO OILERS!

By proski | 0

#3722293 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:35

That's a shitty situation.

Reply

SillyFart | 7

#3722486 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:58

That's a shitty situation.

Reply

japtch | 15

#3723114 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 3:17

That's a shitty situation.

Reply

rachellooo | 0

#3723136 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 3:25

C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER

Reply

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#3723219 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 3:52

I bet Santa was like: HO HO HO and what would you like for Chris- wait WHAT the FUUU... Merry christmas, NEXT!

Reply

graham11 | 14

#3723623 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 5:40

I guarantee the next person who says "that's a shitty situation" will get their comment buried. Just a guess..

By forthepainx3 | 0

#3722297 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:35

and of course 5 out of 6 of the first comments have something to do with the word shit.

Reply

supersmeg12345 | 10

#3722317 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:37

Well of course you muppet it's a shitty FML

Reply

zoPwNAgEzo | 21

#3722377 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:44

Muppet?

Reply

AnnaMarieGoodson | 3

#3722458 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:55

Lmao, and your picture is a nasty ass pad.

Reply

FarSide | 22

#3722847 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 2:14

You were expecting comments about candy canes??

Reply

leogirl95 | 12

#3723537 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 5:13

Well, they wouldn't be about raw, bloody, itchy armpits...

By bigAC | 6

#3722299 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:35

Aannnd here come the puns...

Reply

Xx_Dakota_xX | 1

#3722988 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 2:45

OP it's a christmas miracle! :D

Reply

Spinnmaster | 1

#3724111 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 8:45

I could have sworn someone saying something bout Santa having a boner in a girls lap

By PSQ91 | 6

#3722303 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:36

Wait what? No pants or panties?

Reply

purpleheartzz | 5

#3722665 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:34

I thought the same thing !?

Reply

Androidz | 0

#3722731 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:49

Maybe op is Jerry Sandusky.

Reply

shanemaximo | 7

#3722751 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:53

No no 85, he said "little girl."

Reply

Androidz | 0

#3722764 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 1:56

I see. I see. I shall now bend over and spread my ass cheeks for the thumbs down.

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3722779 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 2:00

Guys, think about the stench and the moistness.

Reply

Androidz | 0

#3722812 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 2:08

93 are we still talking about shit?

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3722857 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 2:16

Excrement, yes.

Reply

Awesomehobo44 | 3

#3727198 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 23:52

Haha ya that's what I thought when I read this!

By thinkucandance | 0

#3722307 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:36

Such original comments!!!:D

By FYLDeep | 25

#3722309 - Tuesday 13 December 2011 0:36

Did she ask for some toilet paper for Christmas?