Kids: Today, I took my daughter to see Santa at the mall. When I went...

By childdreamkiller - 08/12/2011 17:41 - Canada

Today, I took my daughter to see Santa at the mall. When I went to pick her up from Santa's lap, my watch snagged on his beard, pulling it off in front of my daughter and about twenty kids in line. My daughter still isn't speaking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 240

You deserved it 5 172

Kids

Dementia or hate? You decide

No, it's not a cult, not at all

Get your vaccinations if you can

By Anonymous - 10/01/2012 12:50 - United States

Today, my manager came into the dog grooming salon I work at, lecturing about the importance of staying out of a dog's "bite zone". Right then, the dog I was working on bit me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 490

You deserved it 4 346

By UGH - 08/04/2009 20:34 - United States

Today, I had to return a shirt to Target. My mom offered to do it for me on her way to work, so I gave her the shirt and receipt. Later, I realized that on the same receipt I had purchased condoms, lube, and whipped cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 124

You deserved it 80 496

By Spec - 18/04/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, my blind friend bragged to a group of people that she knew all of us by smell. We all took turns standing in front of her, and she would tell us who we were. When I got in front of her, she thought I was my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 506

You deserved it 10 159

By eewww - 06/05/2011 15:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I took a 40 minute bus ride home from work. The first 20 minutes were spent listening to the drunk man behind me moan uncontrollably and belch. The last 20 minutes were spent trying to ignore the vomit he left on my back as he got up to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 725

You deserved it 3 688

By Anonymous - 21/11/2013 20:37 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I tried to have a fun night out. I met a guy and we went back to "his" place, which turned out to actually be his mother's house. He introduced me to her. Two hours later, I knew his life story and had to do the walk of shame without ever getting anywhere near his bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 240

You deserved it 10 214

Happy Reset Day!

By TheSaddestSpiceMeatball - 30/10/2019 16:00

Today, it was mine and my fiancé's 4 year anniversary. What did he get me? Nothing, but I did find out he's been cheating on me with multiple women. Guess I’m back to 0 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 020

You deserved it 146

By Anonymous - 20/12/2012 21:49 - United Kingdom - London

Today, at my new job, some juvenile cockbite spiked my food with a laxative, as part of some kind of bizarre hazing ritual. The bastard got ratted out and suspended, but my arsehole now feels like it's been blown apart by a nuclear warhead. I thought this shit only happened in movies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 353

You deserved it 6 519

By Michael D. - 25/08/2012 16:06 - United States - Duluth

Today, while I was at work, my wife sent me a few pictures of her in a new lingerie, to "spice up" my day. She didn't realize that I have iCloud turned on so I can share files with my colleagues. My boss and a dozen other employees received the same pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 798

You deserved it 26 996

By Anonymous - 23/08/2014 18:16 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I found out my girlfriend doesn't really take flute lessons after all. In related news, every time my best friend supposedly drives her to flute lessons, he's actually taking her to his house for a different kind of activity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 488

You deserved it 6 612

Sorry Danny de Vito…

By Anonymous - 28/05/2021 14:00

Today, I met my celebrity crush in an official capacity, I was completely tongue tied and when I stood to shake her hand, I tripped and fell with my face in her cleavage. She thought it was funny, but I was mortified and my boss suspended me until security footage proves I didn’t do it on purpose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 034

You deserved it 138

By IfuSeekAmyIdo - 05/04/2009 21:34 - United States

Today, I hired a babysitter, so my husband and I could spend some time together and work on our failing marriage. I dressed up. We went out. He got drunk and puked on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88 562

You deserved it 7 344

By Jill - 09/04/2011 22:00 - United States

Today, I went into the women's bathroom and was warmly greeted by a man masturbating on one of the sinks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 501

You deserved it 4 347

By RosesAreRed - 15/02/2013 06:07 - United States - Cape Girardeau

Today, the attractive guy I barely speak to in my statistics class gave me a rose for Valentine's Day because he remembered they were my favorite. My husband got me a roll of quarters and told me to go buy myself "something pretty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 781

You deserved it 4 384

By pencilskirt - 22/03/2019 00:00

Today, at school, one of my students confidently told me that I "wasn't hiding my baby bump very well anymore." I'm not pregnant. Just fat, apparently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 063

You deserved it 272

Stay at home

By Nataly - 24/12/2020 23:02 - United States - Rahway

Today, after I bought a ticket to Colombia back in April this year to travel in December. I was waiting for my passport to get mailed. My flight was on December 17; I received my passport on December 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 789

You deserved it 310

By SKYYYLLLARRRR!!!! - 01/02/2015 16:17 - United States - Gurnee

Today, my Breaking Bad-obsessed boyfriend actually used the phrase "I am the one who cocks" during foreplay. My vagina just about turned into a desert on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 237

You deserved it 4 245

In the way

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 05:00 - Germany - Neusalza-spremberg

Today, I was on a camping trip, just about to pitch my tent, when the fire brigade showed up. No, I did not set anything ablaze. This nice, quiet little meadow I picked to spend the night? It’s their habitual training ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 785

You deserved it 178

By blabla - 23/12/2008 08:57 - France

Today, I tested a new drug designed to fight headaches. It had quite an effect on me, more specifically side effects: nausea, dizzyness and diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 294

You deserved it 4 710

By RingRing - 11/12/2010 07:12 - United States

Today, I was about to get on stage for a choir concert, and realized I had no where to put my phone. Running out of time, I tucked it in the front of my dress and got on stage. I should have put it on silent first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 425

You deserved it 34 139

By Anonymous - 25/02/2013 05:44 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I came home from a rough day working two jobs to find a plate of cookies on my desk with a note from my roommates saying, "You deserve it!" I happily broke one in half to eat and discovered they contained coconut. I'm allergic to coconut, a fact both of my roommates are aware of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 404

You deserved it 3 722

Help! I need somebody!

By Anonymous - 30/10/2021 02:00 - Sweden

Today, I finally built up the courage to seek professional help for my eating disorder. Apparently I don't meet the criteria, so I was denied help and got sent away. So basically, I'll have to get even sicker for them to take me seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 906

You deserved it 69

By nofriends - 01/06/2011 04:28 - Japan

Today, I wrote in my own yearbook with different styles of handwriting so my mom would think I have friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 281

You deserved it 15 015

It's out there

By anonymous - 03/09/2021 20:00

Today, my boyfriend showed me a video on his phone that he'd recorded of us having sex. Furious, I asked him if he'd ever shown it to anyone. His response was, "No, not really, I mean… My roommate walked in on me watching it. Oh, and my dad wanted to know how our relationship was going, I was drunk…" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 394

You deserved it 137

OCD FML

By k…… - 13/10/2021 03:00 - United States - Denver

Today, I watched a tutorial video on YouTube. In the video, the guy had several apps with 50+ red notification dots on them, and it bothered me so much that I couldn’t even finish the video. I couldn’t find a single other video that could help me with my particular issue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 401

You deserved it 648

By Anonymous - 18/04/2013 21:02 - Bulgaria - Batanovci

Today, I was riding my bike home from the store. Wanting to impress some passers-by, I tried to do a trick on a sharp turn. I hit a pole with my balls. As I was lying on the ground in agony, a guy pulled over, took a picture, and took off laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 401

You deserved it 51 003

By constipated - 03/06/2017 02:00

Today, I was fired from my job for being constipated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 271

You deserved it 426

By Anonymous - 30/07/2019 22:00

Today, I got to a patient having a seizure and was approached by a bystander who said to me, "I have pharmaceutical grade essential oils, and they recommend Frankincense for seizures." Thank you? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 710

You deserved it 113

By doggone - 14/07/2009 08:55 - United States

Today, I went to a pet store to adopt a dog. I got a medium sized lab, a dog crate, and a few toys, then put his crate in the back of my truck and the dog in his crate. On the way home I realized I forgot dog bowls and some dog food. I went back, and when I got back out to my truck, my dog was gone. My stereo too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 041

You deserved it 8 667

New or used?

By Dez Johnson - 07/03/2021 11:01

Today, I discovered that my old roommate had left a full bag of cat litter on my porch and all over my yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 715

You deserved it 56

On the down low

By Anonymous - 09/10/2012 16:03 - Canada - Montreal

Today, at work, my buddy pulled up in his car. I handed him $40, and he handed me a bag. It must have looked like a drug deal, but he was actually just smuggling in the new Pokémon game for me. I'm 22, and a drug deal would probably have been less embarrassing to explain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 822

You deserved it 7 923

Pass the parcel

By Anonymous - 30/06/2021 10:59

Today, I went to my son's friend's birthday party and felt really proud of giving a great gift. It just so happened that I regifted the same gift that his friend's mother gave to my son the month before because I forgot to check the name on the bag. It looked like she was about to faint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 169

You deserved it 1 409

By Embarrassed wife - 21/12/2018 14:00

Today, I let my 5 year old play on my tablet while we were both using one of those family restrooms with two toilets. She took a selfie showing both on us on the toilet and sent it to my husband. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1 671

You deserved it 1 227

By Virginiedetibo - 22/10/2011 02:09 - France

Today, I ran into an old friend. I asked her how she was doing, then asked, "And your mum?" Just as the words escaped my lips, I remembered her mum died a few years ago. Trying to save face, I messed up again and blurted, "She still in the same graveyard?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 663

You deserved it 51 347

By Anonymous - 05/07/2009 07:36 - United States

Today, my eye started hurting with unbelievable pain. I couldn't see out of it and I asked my father if he would take me to the hospital, since it was hurting so bad. He said he had to wait for the pizza he ordered for delivery. I had to call a cab to go to the emergency room because of pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 452

You deserved it 3 060

By wow - 23/06/2011 08:53 - France

Today, I had to explain to my teenage daughter that no, the dishwasher didn't make the glasses shrink, I'd bought smaller glasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 750

You deserved it 6 184

By Ow - 19/06/2016 00:51 - United Kingdom - Swanscombe

Today, my little sister decided to move one of the mouse traps I set for our current mouse problem onto my desk chair. Apparently when a mouse is caught in a mousetrap it's cruel, but when it snaps on my balls, that's hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 769

You deserved it 1 884

Big one

By Cnscott0205 - 17/11/2019 14:00 - United States - Denver

Today, I accidentally touched someone's boobs. It was a man. And I noticed that they were bigger than mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 725

You deserved it 240

By Kit - 16/09/2013 11:09 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He told me he was a dinosaur. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 070

You deserved it 5 891

By William - 25/11/2008 04:27 - France

Today, we had the (great?) idea of having sex on a bean bag before my roomate got back home. Result: thousands of small polystyrene balls all over the living room. And no, they can't be picked up in 30 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 600

You deserved it 36 159

By Lockout - 31/08/2015 20:01 - Germany - Kiel

Today, I thought I'd locked my house keys in my locker at work. Not having any replacement nearby, I decided to cut the padlock with the saw of my pocket-knife. It took 20 minutes and four cuts into my hand to destroy the padlock. It took another five seconds to find the missing key in my jacket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 467

You deserved it 21 247

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

hayleegirl 0

Send a private message

Thursday 8 December 2011 22:31

How does this make you feeeel?

xxGheTToGumbYxx 16

Send a private message

Thursday 8 December 2011 22:32

She had to find out eventually. :/

hayleegirl 0

Send a private message

Thursday 8 December 2011 22:31

How does this make you feeeel?

Damn_Hippster 11

Send a private message

Thursday 8 December 2011 22:42

Well, when she kills you, you'll at least know why...

xxGheTToGumbYxx 16

Send a private message

Thursday 8 December 2011 22:57

HE'S A PHONY!!

Meowingtons500 18

Send a private message

Thursday 8 December 2011 23:22

OP RUINED CHRISTMAS! You baby kicker. D:

IcyJack 7

Send a private message

Thursday 8 December 2011 23:27

Well, you can't lie to her forever. I guess it was just... *puts on sunglasses* ...a matter of time. YEAH!

G97Alex 21

Send a private message

Friday 9 December 2011 0:18

A good sunglasses joke. Never thought I would see the day.

mariyaaa 0

Send a private message

Friday 9 December 2011 7:53

You should have watched out for your watch... :D

alibaba_27 0

Send a private message

Friday 9 December 2011 9:01

Csi miami horatio reference , Wisely used Looks like the kids *****puts on the shades**** Know the truth about santa YEEAAAAHHH

absolutegrrr 7

Send a private message

Friday 9 December 2011 10:43

A bad sunglasses joke. Always see the day.

Jovecove 13

Send a private message

Friday 9 December 2011 21:20

Ho ho ho the silent treatment...

leadman1989 15

Send a private message

Friday 9 December 2011 22:09

31 - Oh how you should have said piece of cake.

xxGheTToGumbYxx 16

Send a private message

Thursday 8 December 2011 22:32

She had to find out eventually. :/

jwade11 12

Send a private message

Thursday 8 December 2011 22:54

What luck you have!! Tell her it was one of santa's helpers and that the real Santa couldn't make it because he's busy at the north pole. That'd be extremely embarassing though!

Minecraftering 5

Send a private message

Thursday 8 December 2011 23:29

2-What, that santa doesn't actually have a beard?

Rob777 0

Send a private message

Friday 9 December 2011 3:43

I dont get this FML at all, Santa doesn't shave :(

leogirl95 12

Send a private message

Friday 9 December 2011 3:55

Tell her the real Santa will be there on Christmas eve

TheNotoriousOne 1

Send a private message

Thursday 8 December 2011 22:32

... it was Santas apprentice... That's what I would say

bitchslapped22 14

Send a private message

Friday 9 December 2011 4:12

When I was young I was told that the Santas at the mall were 'Santa's helpers' so I agree, that would be the best thing to say

Dishwad 0

Send a private message

Friday 9 December 2011 5:31

He had to wear a fake beard because he lost the real one in a fight with a polar bear over an ice patch

akg98 13

Send a private message

Tuesday 13 December 2011 6:28

ZOMBIE CANCER! YEAAAHH!

LoveIsEnough 10

Send a private message

Thursday 8 December 2011 22:32

Good preview for when she's a teen.

ninjuh_wingman 29

Send a private message

Thursday 8 December 2011 22:36

And once again, many childrens dreams have been shattered by reality...and by your watch.

IcyJack 7

Send a private message

Friday 9 December 2011 0:30

Goddamn you, reality and law enforcement. Ruiner of dreams.

indielove 13

Send a private message

Thursday 8 December 2011 22:37

love the username.

yiannismt 2

Send a private message

Thursday 8 December 2011 22:37

I hate Santa imposters.

gasbandit 2

Send a private message

Thursday 8 December 2011 22:39

Who the hell still wears a watch? Your phone tells you what time it is.

xosportsgirl14x 8

Send a private message

Thursday 8 December 2011 22:45

Some people's jobs require it.

KiddNYC1O 20

Send a private message

Thursday 8 December 2011 23:14

*Raises hand*

KindaFunnyRight 8

Send a private message

Thursday 8 December 2011 23:24

*Also raises hand

DocBastard 38

Send a private message

Thursday 8 December 2011 23:38

*raises hand* *smacks gasbandit with raised hand* *lowers hand*

AnagenisisZagus 13

Send a private message

Friday 9 December 2011 0:00

Thanks, Doc.

Justforlolz 14

Send a private message

Friday 9 December 2011 0:04

Your phone is not the meaning of life. Stop relying on it to do everything. Everyone knows the meaning of life is 42.

KiddNYC1O 20

Send a private message

Friday 9 December 2011 2:38

There you go, #8. Doctors always wear watches... For pulse check and apparently, a strong hand. Lol

ZeDolphinator 7

Send a private message

Friday 9 December 2011 3:30

#42: Did... Did you plan that? 0_o

Justforlolz 14

Send a private message

Friday 9 December 2011 4:59

54- Holy crap.... I SWEAR I didn't do that on purpose.

mariyaaa 0

Send a private message

Friday 9 December 2011 7:55

Watches are also quite stylish now a'days

rainydayz133 6

Send a private message

Friday 9 December 2011 13:24

Do you know how dumb you sound right now?

sniperkit 10

Send a private message

Sunday 30 September 2012 6:00

Nice going, 42. You imploded the universe.

NitroTonicsFML 4

Send a private message

Thursday 8 December 2011 22:40

If only his beard was real. Then you would be awkwardly picking out his hairs from your watch while all the parents and kids stare at you.

mandaboo 8

Send a private message

Thursday 8 December 2011 22:40

Just tell her Santa has helpers that go to malls for him so he can prepare for crunch time in the workshop? That super sucks, OP. Hopefully she is young enough to believe you so you still have some Christmas spirit from her. It was an honest mistake.

SwtCherryPie 26

Send a private message

Friday 9 December 2011 3:55

oh the tangled webs we weave... lie exposed? cover it up with another lie... thats sure to fix everything... great example for your child... lie lie lie... if that doesnt work lie some more

mandaboo 8

Send a private message

Friday 9 December 2011 5:47

When it comes to letting them believe in magic and maintain their childhood a little longer, yes. You should. Are you going to be that shitty parent that doesn't let your small child have fun? If so, please do not reproduce.