Kids: Today, I dressed up as Santa Claus for my employees' children....

By perenoel - France

Today, I dressed up as Santa Claus for my employees' children. After seeing all the others, my daughter's turn arrived. She sat on my lap, put her lips to my ear, and whispered softly: "I want a new dad." FML

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Kids

Serious times

Insane parents

Still pining

By brooke - United States

Today, while out at dinner with my boyfriend, I accidentally ripped out my tampon picking a wedgie. FML

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By Moron with reflexes

Today, I thought I felt a spider crawling by my eye. Having a huge fear of spiders, like an idiot, I lamped myself in square in the eye. I now have a partial black eye because of what turned out to be a feather. FML

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By Deli meat prom - United States - Dallas

Today, my prom dress came in the mail. I don't know what happened with the tailoring but not only does it not fit, but it also looks like deli meat. FML

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By Misc. - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend were just about to have sex and I was so excited to do it just like the movies. He carried me up and just as he was about to lay me on the bed he sneezed, dropping me at the same time. I hit my head. Now I have 12 stitches where my eyebrow used to be. FML

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By Justwantedathankyou - United States - Loudon

Today, I noticed that an SUV forgot to put their gas cap back on, so I tried honking and flashing my lights to get their attention. They slammed on their brakes, causing me to rear-end them. So much for good karma. FML

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By ohmygod582 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I was walking around school alone and felt someone tap my back. I laughed and turned around to find no one was there. I felt confused when I felt the tapping again, which is when I chose to yell at the nearest person, "What?!" I later found out it was a bottle in my backpack tapping me. FML

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By sherronj - United States

Today, I announced to my family that I will be trying out for the next season of America's Best Dance Crew. They responded by laughing hysterically and my mother said "You guys suck, good luck making it past auditions". FML

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By Kate - United States

Today, I was reading a crappy "How to spice up your marriage" book with my husband for laughs. One of the ideas was for the guy to whip his knob out, stand behind his girl and say "Can you say that into the microphone?" Now he does it every chance he gets, and I fall for it EVERY TIME. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I received a $105 parking ticket for being in a handicapped space. The lines were covered by snow, and the sign was on the building twenty feet away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elkhart

Today, at work a customer bitched me out for not explicitly telling her that our peanut butter pancakes contain real peanut butter. She's threatening to sue because she's allergic to peanuts. FML

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By Erbtosis - United States - Seattle

Today, my five year-old had to break the news to me that my husband was leaving me for someone else. FML

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17101

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By deaddoggy - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, I took my 17 year-old dog, who had been my best friend my entire life right from when I was born, to be euthanised. I had booked in advance. The vet ambled in all spritely and cheerfully asked, "Just here for a checkup, aye?" FML

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23932

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By apawn

Today, I had the option of choosing a train or a plane to get to my destination. The train was cheaper but took 4 hours longer, so I picked the plane. My flight was delayed, so I essentially paid more to arrive later. FML

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14486

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By romance sucks. - United States - Spencer

Today, my class was interrupted by flowers, balloons and chocolates. Then he sang to me a song he wrote himself. This was all for our one-year anniversary. It probably would have been the best day of my life... if I knew who he was. FML

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50533

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By Melissa - 8/3/2020 14:00

Badmouth Strikes Again

Today, my 7-year-old sister had to tell my mom to watch her language. FML

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By Heartbroken - United States

Today, I spent 2 hours making the perfect card for my dad for Father's Day. When I handed it to him, he smiled and said "Thank you" and then killed a fly with it. I found it in the trash a couple of hours later. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a train when we hit and killed a person. We were stalled for 4 hours. The guy sitting next to me asked what I did for a living, so I told him that I'm a vet tech. Then he showed me his infected elbow. FML

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32325

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend woke up to me crying. He asked what was wrong, but before I could answer, he'd already rolled over and started snoring louder than ever, making the migraine I was crying about even worse. FML

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By mclovin09 - United States

Today, my wife entered in an ugliest sweater competition at her work. She wore a plain white sweater with a picture of my face printed on it. She came home with first prize. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandma got piss drunk off two glasses of wine and kept telling me how I'm "so... ROUND...!" FML

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By constipated

Today, I was fired from my job for being constipated. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, while hiking and wearing sandals, I stubbed my toe. This wouldn't have been so bad had it not been into a cactus with 3 inch thorns. FML

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12355

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By Anonymous

Bumbling

Today, my girlfriend and I enjoyed a lovely shower together. It was indeed lovely until her father came into the washroom to say “Welcome to the family!” whilst taking a giant shit. FML

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2504

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By Anonymous - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was at a bar, when a heavily drunk guy came up to me and slurred "Fuucckkk lady, your face... not even with beer goggles!" FML

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By Philip - Australia

Today, my roommate told me that when he takes a shower he likes to swipe the bar of soap in between his butt cheeks, "like a credit card." I use that soap on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pomona

Today, I went to a bingo club with my gran and won the second game and a butthurt old lady accused me of cheating. I ended up being taken aside by an apologetic member of staff and asked to leave. I'm still trying to figure out how you can even cheat at bingo. FML

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By omfgmaya - Denmark

Today, my boyfriend brought me to his place to meet his parents. When they saw me, they laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while working as a makeup artist in the mall, I was approached by a man who wanted to try lipstick (not unusual we do a lot of drag). While I'm applying it he starts to make gross noises and after a quick glance I realize he has a massive erection. He then whispers mmmm don't stop now. FML

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By BadIdea - France

Sucker

Today, I decided to shave my balls. When I was finished, I vacuumed up the mess on the carpet, and then the fragments of hair still on my balls. Very bad idea. FML

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By rewarded - India

Today, for the second time in 5 months I was recognized for my hard work, sincerity and all the adjectives that they use to describe good employees. What was my reward? A piece of chocolate. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was in the kitchen with my mother putting up the dishes. I went to stand up from putting a pot in a lower cabinet and hit my head on the upper cabinet she left open by accident. Hello concussion number nine. FML

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By highschoolnobody - United States

Today, I was looking through my high school yearbook. I found a picture of myself and a couple of my friends at our senior prom. The caption gave the names of all my friends, their dates who didn't attend our school, and listed me only as "guest." FML

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By BigPurplePresent - South Africa

Today, I was really upset after work, and tearily asked my boyfriend to bring something over to cheer me up when he visited later. An hour or so later he arrived, having bought me a brand new large purple dildo to "brighten my mood". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 10 year old brother caught me masturbating and then said "Oh, so that's how you do it!". He then ran to his room and locked the door. I inadvertently taught my little brother how to masturbate. FML

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By unlucky - United Kingdom

Today, I failed my driving test. The examiner insisted I that didn't check a junction before pulling out. I did, he just didn't notice because he was too busy staring at my chest. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend, when my upstairs neighbor decided to take the longest piss known to man. He moaned the entire time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the three-year-old I was babysitting asked me where my boyfriend was. I told her he was at his house. I'm twenty and single. I lied to a three year old to make myself look less pathetic. FML

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By chloe - Australia

Today, I was rushing to get on the train to work as I heard the "door closing" beeps. I was about to step onto the train when a man pushed me out of the way so that he could get on. My handbag fell out of my hand into the carriage. I stayed on the platform. FML

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58966

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By meatballz - United States

Today, I went on my first date with a girl I have been infatuated with for months. At the restaurant, the waiter came while she was in the bathroom. I ordered steaks for both of us. Turns out, she is vegetarian, and doesn't like it when men are "overly aggressive". She called me a cow murderer. FML

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By Shitty genes, no two ways about it. - Australia - Perth

Today, my son had to help out at the local retirement home for his community service. He got in serious trouble and came whining to me about it after he tried threatening some of the residents into taking part in a Harlem Shake video. FML

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Top comments

By eminemop | 0

#3677821 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:41

Whisper back: "and I wanted a boy, but that didn't happen either."

By doonerz | 0

#3677812 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:40

is she getting one?

COMMENTS

By tellithowitis | 13

#3677810 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:40

You're going to wake up in a box

kirsty1551 | 3

#3677885 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:48

dressed as Santa.

ReesesPuffs | 0

#3677949 - Saturday 3 December 2011 20:03

Yeah... NO.

sweetpea9008 | 2

#3678462 - Saturday 3 December 2011 22:44

What the fuck! ?
So rude!
Want me to tell you that your gonna wake up in a box?
Obviously he didnt wanna hear that so why would you add to it & say shit like that?

cosmosis | 12

#3678466 - Saturday 3 December 2011 22:45

For someone who tells it like it is, tellithowitis, you do talk a fair amount of Bullshit... Just sayin

aceman1992 | 9

#3679223 - Sunday 4 December 2011 2:20

93- what the hell are you talking about?

KailyKii | 11

#3679570 - Sunday 4 December 2011 4:23

93 - Seriously? Calm the fuck down.

Lily_lops95 | 0

#3682407 - Sunday 4 December 2011 18:13

People like you are annoying

Metal_Chick | 15

#3682585 - Sunday 4 December 2011 18:55

Wait.. What? If she wants a new dad, why the hell will OP be the one in the box?.. By the way, sorry OP nothing hurts more than a loved one telling you they don't want you in their lives.

By doonerz | 0

#3677812 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:40

is she getting one?

TherealMort | 0

#3678389 - Saturday 3 December 2011 22:25

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Schizomaniac | 24

#3678512 - Saturday 3 December 2011 23:04

No, considering OP's daughter is a child and that's pretty freaking disgusting.

roserm | 2

#3678769 - Saturday 3 December 2011 23:46

I pervert would dumbass

ellakacyme22 | 6

#3679044 - Sunday 4 December 2011 0:57

What are you a pervet or a piedo. You disgust me

Jimster1712 | 0

#3679234 - Sunday 4 December 2011 2:27

He is not a pervet or piedo, but a pervert and pedophile

Xx_FuckedLife_xX | 0

#3679679 - Sunday 4 December 2011 4:51

ME. I did. lol

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3679951 - Sunday 4 December 2011 6:28

C'est la vie mon ami. But seriously, don't take it personally. Kids say the darnedest things

ABarrelHorseGirl | 8

#5813842 - Thursday 2 January 2014 9:35

#135, Your icon makes your comment that much better

By 123amanda123 | 14

#3677814 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:40

awe that's sad :( ... maybe she was just embarrassed you dressed up as Santa ... hopefully she didn't mean it

By nadyy14 | 8

#3677817 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:41

Omg, poor you :( she probably doesn't know how awesome you are :D

UrCapsLockOn | 12

#3677879 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:47

do you even know how AWESOME is he ... ???

nadyy14 | 8

#3677910 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:53

It's to boost his spirit!

boofgall | 16

#3678079 - Saturday 3 December 2011 20:35

Nady has the right idea! Kids minds are very in-the-moment with most of their thoughts until they mature more. She could've just been upset about something.

FarSide | 22

#3678315 - Saturday 3 December 2011 22:05

Well FHL twice if he came to this site looking for sympathy.

MyEpicDemise | 7

#3678394 - Saturday 3 December 2011 22:26

Of course he is awesome. He's Santa!

cosmosis | 12

#3678474 - Saturday 3 December 2011 22:48

Anyone who has the balls to dress up as santa in a crowded place is definately awesome! All about making the kids happy. FYL OP.

alival | 12

#3679964 - Sunday 4 December 2011 6:35

U know sometimes kids learn this stuff from TV shows!

By Istalkrexgar2000_fml | 0

#3677819 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:41

Awe. I'm sorry OP. Kids say the damndest things.

Awsumuzzie | 12

#3678238 - Saturday 3 December 2011 21:21

Awe. Commenters repeat the samest things.

soccerguy2 | 11

#3678525 - Saturday 3 December 2011 23:09

68- he said this comment before anyone else said it so he didnt say the same thing

poopdollar123 | 4

#3678533 - Saturday 3 December 2011 23:10

awe. muslims say the dumbest things.

Awsumuzzie | 12

#3678917 - Sunday 4 December 2011 0:20

100, oh, it must be some deja vu thing with me since I see it all the time... My bad.

mk58 | 31

#3678977 - Sunday 4 December 2011 0:38

No, 100, it's true, only that it's not the same person saying it over and over again. It's just that every single time an FML involves a kid, at least one person has to pull that line out of their ass.