Today, I dressed up as Santa Claus for my employees' children....

By perenoel - 3/12/2011 16:24 - France

Today, I dressed up as Santa Claus for my employees' children. After seeing all the others, my daughter's turn arrived. She sat on my lap, put her lips to my ear, and whispered softly: "I want a new dad." FML

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Kids

Healthy relationship

Social distancing gone wrong

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

By ohmy. - 27/12/2011 17:52 - United States

Today, my husband yawned in the middle of our wedding vows. FML

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By screw life - 1/10/2012 11:35 - United States

Today, my brother saw my side when my shirt came up, and asked when I got a tattoo; the pink he saw was in fact my stretch marks. Worst of all, I had to show them to everyone to prove I didn't actually get a tattoo. FML

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By Crash - 10/9/2014 20:15 - United States - Hicksville

Today, I took my daughter out driving to practice for her road test. I told her to make a left into a parking lot. She missed the 30 foot wide entrance, but not the two foot wide tree. FML

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By Sam - 20/6/2010 13:18 - France

Today, I learned that in my family, 'Father's Day' is more like 'Father's drunken, piss on a plant in the kitchen during breakfast, order you to scrub in between his toes with your toothbrush Day.' FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2020 23:01

Don't shoot the messenger

Today, after I got wasted about 5 months ago and lost my virginity to a total bitch I used to work with and regretted it straight away, this morning she texts me that she’s pregnant, and that I should probably get an STD screening because she also just found out she has gonorrhoea. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2014 23:50 - United States - Parker

Today, I put on some sexy lingerie, ready to have some fun with my husband. I found him in the living room, opening a bag of doritos in front of the TV. He saw me and understood. Then he looked back at the doritos, then back at me and said gravely, "No way, babe. No way." FML

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By Schmolly - 13/10/2009 05:01 - United States

Today, I had a mental break down. Many things have been going completely wrong in my life, and I finally decided to let my boyfriend know about it. After about an hour of explaining and pouring my heart out, his response was "I think we were better off as friends." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2018 08:30 - United States - Brick

How Thoughtful

Today, I found out that my new serving job does in fact take the time out to write a check for $0.00. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2015

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156

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By Sam - 30/10/2008 14:51 - Canada

Today, I did a barbecue. My boss won't believe me tomorrow when I tell him that the main pages of his 2-months work file helped make the best sausages I've ever done. FML

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By Elliot - 22/7/2010 15:10 - United Kingdom

Today, I lifted up my blinds, only for them to detach from the wall, hit me on the head, knock a pile of paper over, spill a can of Pepsi, leave plaster all over the floor and a gaping hole in the wall above my window. FML

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By Holland - 4/4/2019 12:00

Today, my check engine light came on. I took my car to the dealership, to be told it wasn’t an issue, and I would be fine to drive and use my car normally until my appointment in 4 days. Four hours later, my car won’t start 45 minutes from home. I guess a $200 tow bill means I wasn’t fine. FML

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By mel - 25/3/2016 13:20 - United States - Smithville

Today, the guy I buy weed from invited me to have Easter dinner with his family, since I've nowhere else to go. FML

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By funfettifirework - 18/8/2016 05:08 - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, I almost got our office burned down by plugging the wrong charger into a laptop cooling fan. Tried to hide the incident and kept it casual but the smoke detector led it to my area and everyone knew I was the culprit. I'm a new hire too. FML

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By Brian B - 13/9/2011 18:14 - United States

Today, I fell asleep for an hour in the bathroom while taking a dump. I had to convince everyone I went for a walk during lunch since no one saw my car leave. FML

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By Mexican - 19/6/2016 03:06 - United States - Chicago

Today, after two weeks of trying to convince my parents to go to my high school graduation. They finally gave in. After they handed me my diploma, they decided to leave because it was "too boring." I'm currently sitting on the curb of the street waiting for my Uber, while people take pictures of me. FML

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By limping - 24/1/2014 23:10 - Canada

Today, in revenge for being grounded for bullying a kid at school, my eight-year-old son flung a handful of Lego in my path as I walked barefoot into the kitchen. I'm still in pain. 5ML

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By tumblrinas_at_work - 2/5/2015 08:04 - United States - Woodland Hills

Today, I had to go to a boring, never-ending "sensitivity training" session, all because my douchebag coworker filed a complaint against me last week after I apologized for being tardy. Apparently I was insulting people with mental disorders. Or as she put it, "differently-abled" people. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2020 20:00

Addicted to love

Today, I was half paying attention to a text message conversation with someone about how addicted we both were to social media. It's wasn't until deep into the conversation that I realized we were actually talking about porn. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2009 18:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a horrible day at work, came home early and burst into tears as soon as I was in the door. I curled up on the sofa, still bawling, and my cat came over and jumped up for a cuddle. I gave her a hug and she threw up down my back. FML

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By YAABOIII - 5/4/2009 22:04 - United States

Today, the 7 year old boy I was babysitting studied my upper lip and said "It's okay, my daddy won't let me shave yet either." I'm a girl. FML

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By unloved - 18/1/2010 05:06 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife changed her name back to her maiden name. Why? So people would stop asking questions about us. We have been married for 15 years. FML

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By MotherMary - 12/10/2014 13:21 - United States - Park Hills

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of three years, who can't get it up for me and has been blaming blood pressure issues, apparently has no problem getting it up while watching the neighbor undress from our window. FML

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By greatstartto2010 - 3/1/2010 00:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I got home to find my entire video game collection and all my consoles had been stolen. Two weeks ago I brought them back from my University accommodation, specifically to stop them from being stolen while I was at home for the Christmas holiday. FML

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By Username - 13/8/2011 11:45 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching a scary movie. I was starting to get a small headache so he gently brushed my hair. During a scary part he jumped and hit me in the head as hard as he could with the brush. I'm still recovering from the migraine. FML

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By mad dude - 12/1/2011 07:46

Today, I realized I'm pussy whipped by a chick I'm not even dating. FML

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By patch91 - 5/4/2011 02:03

Today, I got in a car accident on the way to work. I received an abusive phone call from my boss saying he shouldn't have to cover my lazy ass. I was driving to cover his shift because he was too drunk to show up to work. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2009 07:39 - Australia

Today, at the breakfast table my mum asked me what I thought about the plumber who came to our place a couple of weeks ago. I told her that I thought he was really cute and how hard I tried to flirt with him, she nodded and told me that he is her new boyfriend and might move in with us soon. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2020 02:01 - Singapore - Singapore

Optimism

Today, my teacher walked into class and said, "Look to your left and right, one of those persons you just looked at will fail the upcoming exam." When asked why, she said too many people passed last year's exam. She was dead serious. FML

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By WishesWasDeaf - 31/1/2010 01:35 - United States

Today, I was stuck sitting at a cafeteria table next to the girl who broke my heart and her boyfriend. I got to overhear the conversation, which included "I want to go to the car" followed by "Me too, but I don't have a condom." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I was working a haunted house. I have a really good spot where I hide and scare people. This really hot guy was walking up, and I jumped out and screamed. He punched me in the face. FML

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By HouseWife - 21/5/2014 02:24 - United States - Valley Park

Today, I had to take my daughter home from school because she had been caught flashing the boys during class. I tried to explain to her that it wasn't an appropriate way to act or behave but she interrupted me, "Mom, you don't even understand." You're right. I don't. FML

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By vicious circle - 22/12/2015 13:08 - Sint Maarten (Dutch part)

Today, I called the HR department of a big company, inquiring about a vacancy for a website designer. Boy, do they need one; there are dead links, malware warnings, and a layout from the '90s, but no info at all about recruitment. The lady just angrily referred me to the website and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2012 23:02 - United States - Rocky Point

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend doggy-style. I was getting close when he suddenly blurts out, "Babe, you really need to bleach your asshole." FML

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By Jane - 24/11/2011 13:57 - Australia

Today, at the point of orgasm, my boyfriend screamed out, "Is this all there is?!" then rolled over and stared blankly at the ceiling without speaking for ages. This happens a lot. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2011 00:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months started a bitter fight with me. The cause was me repeatedly refusing to dye my hair the way his beloved ex did. FML

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By poopooppachuu - 11/10/2011 07:32 - United States

Today, in the middle of explaining over the phone to my crush how I felt about him, I got a text from his best friend, who was apparently with him at the time. It said, "He doesn't like you, get over it. Stop rambling." FML

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By Still Waiting - 16/8/2016 18:54 - United States - Wenatchee

Today, I had an appointment. After 2 hours of waiting in the sun, my mom finally picked me up and lectured me on how irresponsible my dad was for not communicating with her. Not 5 minutes after I got home, my dad showed up and gave me the same exact lecture about my mom. FML

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By badboyfriend101 - 12/5/2009 15:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was continuously telling me how great my best friend smelled the other night and how I should wear some perfume that smelled like that. I have the same exact perfume and have been wearing it for months. FML

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By justplaindumb - 4/8/2016 00:48 - United States - Des Moines

Today, I walked into a wall, smashing my laptop into the top of my eye socket. This was all because I was carrying my laptop, phone and chocolate mug cake, all while trying to watch Netflix on said laptop. I feel like a 2016 cliché. FML

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By Foxy - 5/2/2009 14:06 - United States

Today, I had just gotten over the flu and thought I was better. So me and my boyfriend decided to have sex. As I was about to orgasm, I puked all over his face. He was so disgusted that he ended up throwing up on me as well. FML

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Top comments

By eminemop | 0

#3677821 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:41

Whisper back: "and I wanted a boy, but that didn't happen either."

By doonerz | 0

#3677812 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:40

is she getting one?

COMMENTS

By tellithowitis | 13

#3677810 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:40

You're going to wake up in a box

kirsty1551 | 3

#3677885 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:48

dressed as Santa.

ReesesPuffs | 0

#3677949 - Saturday 3 December 2011 20:03

Yeah... NO.

sweetpea9008 | 2

#3678462 - Saturday 3 December 2011 22:44

What the fuck! ?
So rude!
Want me to tell you that your gonna wake up in a box?
Obviously he didnt wanna hear that so why would you add to it & say shit like that?

cosmosis | 12

#3678466 - Saturday 3 December 2011 22:45

For someone who tells it like it is, tellithowitis, you do talk a fair amount of Bullshit... Just sayin

aceman1992 | 9

#3679223 - Sunday 4 December 2011 2:20

93- what the hell are you talking about?

KailyKii | 11

#3679570 - Sunday 4 December 2011 4:23

93 - Seriously? Calm the fuck down.

Lily_lops95 | 0

#3682407 - Sunday 4 December 2011 18:13

People like you are annoying

Metal_Chick | 15

#3682585 - Sunday 4 December 2011 18:55

Wait.. What? If she wants a new dad, why the hell will OP be the one in the box?.. By the way, sorry OP nothing hurts more than a loved one telling you they don't want you in their lives.

By doonerz | 0

#3677812 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:40

is she getting one?

TherealMort | 0

#3678389 - Saturday 3 December 2011 22:25

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Schizomaniac | 24

#3678512 - Saturday 3 December 2011 23:04

No, considering OP's daughter is a child and that's pretty freaking disgusting.

roserm | 2

#3678769 - Saturday 3 December 2011 23:46

I pervert would dumbass

ellakacyme22 | 6

#3679044 - Sunday 4 December 2011 0:57

What are you a pervet or a piedo. You disgust me

Jimster1712 | 0

#3679234 - Sunday 4 December 2011 2:27

He is not a pervet or piedo, but a pervert and pedophile

Xx_FuckedLife_xX | 0

#3679679 - Sunday 4 December 2011 4:51

ME. I did. lol

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3679951 - Sunday 4 December 2011 6:28

C'est la vie mon ami. But seriously, don't take it personally. Kids say the darnedest things

ABarrelHorseGirl | 8

#5813842 - Thursday 2 January 2014 9:35

#135, Your icon makes your comment that much better

By 123amanda123 | 14

#3677814 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:40

awe that's sad :( ... maybe she was just embarrassed you dressed up as Santa ... hopefully she didn't mean it

By nadyy14 | 8

#3677817 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:41

Omg, poor you :( she probably doesn't know how awesome you are :D

UrCapsLockOn | 12

#3677879 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:47

do you even know how AWESOME is he ... ???

nadyy14 | 8

#3677910 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:53

It's to boost his spirit!

boofgall | 16

#3678079 - Saturday 3 December 2011 20:35

Nady has the right idea! Kids minds are very in-the-moment with most of their thoughts until they mature more. She could've just been upset about something.

FarSide | 22

#3678315 - Saturday 3 December 2011 22:05

Well FHL twice if he came to this site looking for sympathy.

MyEpicDemise | 7

#3678394 - Saturday 3 December 2011 22:26

Of course he is awesome. He's Santa!

cosmosis | 12

#3678474 - Saturday 3 December 2011 22:48

Anyone who has the balls to dress up as santa in a crowded place is definately awesome! All about making the kids happy. FYL OP.

alival | 12

#3679964 - Sunday 4 December 2011 6:35

U know sometimes kids learn this stuff from TV shows!

By Istalkrexgar2000_fml | 0

#3677819 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:41

Awe. I'm sorry OP. Kids say the damndest things.

Awsumuzzie | 12

#3678238 - Saturday 3 December 2011 21:21

Awe. Commenters repeat the samest things.

soccerguy2 | 11

#3678525 - Saturday 3 December 2011 23:09

68- he said this comment before anyone else said it so he didnt say the same thing

poopdollar123 | 4

#3678533 - Saturday 3 December 2011 23:10

awe. muslims say the dumbest things.

Awsumuzzie | 12

#3678917 - Sunday 4 December 2011 0:20

100, oh, it must be some deja vu thing with me since I see it all the time... My bad.

mk58 | 31

#3678977 - Sunday 4 December 2011 0:38

No, 100, it's true, only that it's not the same person saying it over and over again. It's just that every single time an FML involves a kid, at least one person has to pull that line out of their ass.