Today, I dressed up as Santa Claus for my employees' children....

By perenoel - 3/12/2011 16:24 - France

Today, I dressed up as Santa Claus for my employees' children. After seeing all the others, my daughter's turn arrived. She sat on my lap, put her lips to my ear, and whispered softly: "I want a new dad." FML

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Kids

Boozehound

Yappy neighborhood

Creepy

By Username - 1/9/2010 00:35 - France

Today, I was life guarding at a community pool and noticed a toddler go under water. I quickly jumped in and suddenly got a charlie horse which caused me to stall. When I looked up, I saw an old woman saving him, and got a shoe thrown at my head. I was fired. FML

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By justpeachy1989 - 26/5/2016 14:06 - Australia

Today, I finally tested out my new robot vacuum cleaner. My puppy decided she would test it out too by leaving a brown surprise for it to find, which it did. There are now brown marks in every room of the house. FML

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By Carolina R-h - 18/6/2019 16:30

Today, my 2-year-old woke up from her nap with a full diaper, then decided to climb down from her bed and got stuck under the railing, leaving a stinky trail of poop everywhere. FML

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By crazy_mom - 1/11/2010 15:10 - United States

Today, a girl I like came over to my house because I'd promised to help her prepare for a math test. My mom thought it would be funny to put a stack of porn magazines and handcuffs on the table in my room when I went to open the door. FML

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By justin_99 - 3/11/2009 01:15 - Canada

Today, I was working at Tim Hortons. A lady was in line, and she couldnt make up her mind. 20 minutes later she finally decided to get something, and she reached in her pocket. I was hoping it was a tip, but she gave me a coupon for a haircut. FML

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By MCKilllerrr - 18/1/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, the girl I really liked started talking to me, so I asked her out on a date. After waiting an hour at the theatre, I texted her asking where she was. She replied with, "Oh! You were serious about the date?!" FML

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By ToiletTony - 19/6/2009 01:33 - United States

Today, I was using the bathroom in a department store. When I was finished, I couldn't get the stall door open. I am claustrophobic and I freaked out and and started shouting for help. A 6 year old boy got the door open for me. It turns out I was pushing when I should have been pulling. FML

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By fatflabbyfail - 20/2/2010 06:09 - United States

Today, after having my bath, I realised that I've gotten so fat that I have to lift up my butt cheeks in order to dry underneath them. FML

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By Nic - 17/11/2009 06:34 - United States

Today, after sleeping in, I finally sorted through a stack of mail I had been putting off and I found a Jury summons. Thinking it must be coming up soon, I checked the date, my appearance is scheduled for 7:45am on November 16th. Today is November 17th. FML

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By happysingleone - 20/12/2016 07:37

Today, the last of my college friends is getting married and now I'm the last single one. Don't worry though, if one ever gets a divorce we can hang out again. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2009 04:30 - United States

Today, I went upstairs to scold my boys for running in the house because someone could get hurt. As I turned around to come back downstairs I tripped and fell all the way down to the landing at the bottom. I could hear them laughing in their rooms. FML

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By fuckwank - 20/9/2013 20:31 - United States - Red Oak

Today, I offered to help out at my grandpa's farm, and he had me load buckets of water into his trunk. When he came by and saw me struggling to lift a bucket, he sneered, called me a moron for filling it up before putting it in the truck, and told me to just go home. FML

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By helen - 10/5/2011 03:44

Today, I realized that I give the computer screen a thumbs up whenever I see something cool. I work on computers in front of people all day. FML

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By Eh... - 19/7/2009 07:25 - Ukraine

Today, my boss asked me if I know anything about those tattoos that girl put on their lower backs. "You mean Tramp Stamps?" I responded. He looked at me with hatred in his eyes and said that his 18 year old daughter just got one. FML

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By Dx - 6/3/2011 07:18 - United States

Today, I was babysitting for my usual. After putting the baby to sleep I put some popcorn in the microwave and went to the bathroom. When I came out the whole kitchen was filled with smoke. One of the neighbors saw and called 911. I'm out of a job. FML

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By Bilze - 17/5/2012 18:57 - United States - Burke

Today, I was reading a book on paper for the first time in maybe a month. I had to stop at a word I did not recognise. Because I'm so used to using a Kindle, I tried to get the definition by pressing it. I had my finger on the word for a few seconds before I realised it was paper. FML

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By Nalya - 27/12/2008 10:26 - France

Today, my fiancé told me, that after 7 years together, he is no longer in love with me. Shocked and appalled, I ask him if he has anything else to add. "Happy Birthday". FML

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By cllutz - 7/2/2011 03:18 - United States

Today, I found out my husband is sleeping with my best friend. The best part? We all just signed a 12 month essentially non-breakable lease on a house together. FML

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By Invisible - 19/2/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I was marked absent from my math class because nobody in my class noticed I was there. FML

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By TJ - 8/8/2012 11:23 - United States - Lacey

Today, while doing my job as a cart clerk, a gentleman went around the parking lot and picked some trash up, trying to help out. Faith in humanity: +1. About an hour later I saw a woman pick a bug off of her windshield and eat it. Faith in humanity: -200. FML

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By jesushelpme - 22/10/2012 19:08 - United States - Nixa

Today, I came home to find an almost completely devoured cheesecake, The Notebook playing on the TV, and a shoe thrown at my head. It's safe to say my girlfriend is just about on her period. FML

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By really - 1/11/2014 01:16 - United States

Today, my parents told me they don't think I'll ever find a boyfriend, and insist on referring to my future cats as their "grandkids". FML

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By calidumbass - 14/1/2011 19:43 - United States

Today, I had a rude awakening after a traffic accident the day before. I'd fled the scene to avoid having to pay hefty damage fines. I would have gotten away with it too, if my license plate hadn't fallen off and incriminated me. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2015 01:25 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, when making a delivery for the restaurant I work for, a customer shoved and yelled at me because she didn't get any fries with her order. She didn't order any, which isn't unusual, considering we're a Chinese takeaway and don't even sell them. FML

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By musicislife1337 - 8/1/2012 07:24 - Canada

Today, I received numerous text messages from my parents asking where I was and how worried they are. I was in my room, they didn't even notice me walk in. FML

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By bob - 5/2/2011 12:02 - United States

Today, I saw my mom run across the house naked for a condom. FML

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By anonymous - 15/8/2010 13:12 - Netherlands

Today, I witnessed a series of nude old people cycling in the city. I was eating. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2018 15:00

Today, I spent a nice night with the guy I’ve been madly crushing on for the past year. When he went to the bathroom and left his phone unlocked, I looked at his photo album and saw photos of my house, my room, me sleeping, and my naked body. FML

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By dannyboy1422 - 2/10/2009 19:17 - United States

Today, we had a lockdown in our school for 2 hours because a man was sitting outside our school in his car with a gun in hand. I texted my mom telling her what was going on and that it's on the news. She responded saying "I'll tape it". FML

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By Somethingswrongwiththispic - 5/8/2010 08:17 - United States

Today, I was watching this show about fat people. I was wondering how people could let this happen to themselves. Then I looked down and saw a giant bowl of popcorn, ice cream, potato chips, and soda. I thus figured out how people do this to themselves. FML

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By leahrb - 24/2/2016 18:55 - United States - Wilmington

Today, my boyfriend came over for the first time to meet my parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "Son, I want you to suck upon my nipples of knowledge." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2015 05:02 - Canada - Barrie

Today, my 9 year old shitblossom of a sister decided to wake me up by hocking a loogie into my mouth. FML

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By LockandKey - 24/2/2009 23:28 - United States

Today, everyone at school was talking about some guy that did another girl while he was going out with someone. I started to spread the rumor myself, until someone told me that that guy was my boyfriend. The other girl was my best friend. FML

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By awkwardpineapples - 8/1/2015 03:13 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I found my sister licking all of the silverware and putting it back in the drawer. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2013 21:49 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I started to come to during dental surgery. I clearly heard someone behind me say "Shit! Get this fucker back under!" then another person mentioning they'd have to kill me to avoid "another lawsuit", followed by laughter and the blackness of sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2009 10:46 - United States

Today, three women came into my work and one was wearing a shirt with a rainbow that said, "We are everywhere". I had just gotten what it was referring to and when I greeted them I ended up saying "Hi gays!" instead of the standard "Hi guys". FML

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By playinmyguitar - 15/8/2009 15:02 - United States

Today, I invited everyone to a gig I'm playing at a bar. They closed it down just for me when I told them how many people were attending, and I spent all day setting it up. Turns out nobody showed up besides my mom, my dad, and 2 of my cousins. I still had to play 7 songs in front of them. FML

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By plzdontclapme - 1/7/2012 23:03

Today, I tripped on the way back from collecting a prize in front of 600 students and their parents. I got more applause than I did when collecting the prize. FML

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By daisythebunny1988 - 21/3/2020 00:01

Cool

Today, I was sitting in my garage with a fan on my face because it was hot when a suicidal cricket decided to jump into the blades, causing his cricket guts to be sprayed onto my face. FML

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By cerealfail - 14/11/2010 20:33

Today, I went to get a box of cereal and I knocked over a bottle of olive oil. It took me about half an hour to clean up. When I finally finished, I found out the box of cereal was empty. FML

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Top comments

By eminemop | 0

#3677821 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:41

Whisper back: "and I wanted a boy, but that didn't happen either."

By doonerz | 0

#3677812 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:40

is she getting one?

Comments

By tellithowitis | 13

#3677810 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:40

You're going to wake up in a box

kirsty1551 | 3

#3677885 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:48

dressed as Santa.

ReesesPuffs | 0

#3677949 - Saturday 3 December 2011 20:03

Yeah... NO.

sweetpea9008 | 2

#3678462 - Saturday 3 December 2011 22:44

What the fuck! ?
So rude!
Want me to tell you that your gonna wake up in a box?
Obviously he didnt wanna hear that so why would you add to it & say shit like that?

cosmosis | 12

#3678466 - Saturday 3 December 2011 22:45

For someone who tells it like it is, tellithowitis, you do talk a fair amount of Bullshit... Just sayin

aceman1992 | 9

#3679223 - Sunday 4 December 2011 2:20

93- what the hell are you talking about?

KailyKii | 11

#3679570 - Sunday 4 December 2011 4:23

93 - Seriously? Calm the fuck down.

Lily_lops95 | 0

#3682407 - Sunday 4 December 2011 18:13

People like you are annoying

Metal_Chick | 15

#3682585 - Sunday 4 December 2011 18:55

Wait.. What? If she wants a new dad, why the hell will OP be the one in the box?.. By the way, sorry OP nothing hurts more than a loved one telling you they don't want you in their lives.

By doonerz | 0

#3677812 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:40

is she getting one?

TherealMort | 0

#3678389 - Saturday 3 December 2011 22:25

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Schizomaniac | 24

#3678512 - Saturday 3 December 2011 23:04

No, considering OP's daughter is a child and that's pretty freaking disgusting.

roserm | 2

#3678769 - Saturday 3 December 2011 23:46

I pervert would dumbass

ellakacyme22 | 6

#3679044 - Sunday 4 December 2011 0:57

What are you a pervet or a piedo. You disgust me

Jimster1712 | 0

#3679234 - Sunday 4 December 2011 2:27

He is not a pervet or piedo, but a pervert and pedophile

Xx_FuckedLife_xX | 0

#3679679 - Sunday 4 December 2011 4:51

ME. I did. lol

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3679951 - Sunday 4 December 2011 6:28

C'est la vie mon ami. But seriously, don't take it personally. Kids say the darnedest things

ABarrelHorseGirl | 8

#5813842 - Thursday 2 January 2014 9:35

#135, Your icon makes your comment that much better

By 123amanda123 | 14

#3677814 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:40

awe that's sad :( ... maybe she was just embarrassed you dressed up as Santa ... hopefully she didn't mean it

By nadyy14 | 8

#3677817 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:41

Omg, poor you :( she probably doesn't know how awesome you are :D

UrCapsLockOn | 12

#3677879 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:47

do you even know how AWESOME is he ... ???

nadyy14 | 8

#3677910 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:53

It's to boost his spirit!

boofgall | 16

#3678079 - Saturday 3 December 2011 20:35

Nady has the right idea! Kids minds are very in-the-moment with most of their thoughts until they mature more. She could've just been upset about something.

FarSide | 22

#3678315 - Saturday 3 December 2011 22:05

Well FHL twice if he came to this site looking for sympathy.

MyEpicDemise | 7

#3678394 - Saturday 3 December 2011 22:26

Of course he is awesome. He's Santa!

cosmosis | 12

#3678474 - Saturday 3 December 2011 22:48

Anyone who has the balls to dress up as santa in a crowded place is definately awesome! All about making the kids happy. FYL OP.

alival | 12

#3679964 - Sunday 4 December 2011 6:35

U know sometimes kids learn this stuff from TV shows!

By Istalkrexgar2000_fml | 0

#3677819 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:41

Awe. I'm sorry OP. Kids say the damndest things.

Awsumuzzie | 12

#3678238 - Saturday 3 December 2011 21:21

Awe. Commenters repeat the samest things.

soccerguy2 | 11

#3678525 - Saturday 3 December 2011 23:09

68- he said this comment before anyone else said it so he didnt say the same thing

poopdollar123 | 4

#3678533 - Saturday 3 December 2011 23:10

awe. muslims say the dumbest things.

Awsumuzzie | 12

#3678917 - Sunday 4 December 2011 0:20

100, oh, it must be some deja vu thing with me since I see it all the time... My bad.

mk58 | 31

#3678977 - Sunday 4 December 2011 0:38

No, 100, it's true, only that it's not the same person saying it over and over again. It's just that every single time an FML involves a kid, at least one person has to pull that line out of their ass.