Kids: Today, I dressed up as Santa Claus for my employees' children....

By perenoel - France

Today, I dressed up as Santa Claus for my employees' children. After seeing all the others, my daughter's turn arrived. She sat on my lap, put her lips to my ear, and whispered softly: "I want a new dad." FML

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Kids

Taking stock

Dangling modifier

Animal control

By Boo - United Kingdom

Today, my new neighbor informed me with great relish that the house I have just bought is haunted because 30 years ago a man shot himself in the kitchen. I'm now paying a huge mortgage on a house I'm frightened to be alone in. FML

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By TGIkaty - United States

Today, I told my mom I loved her and she asked if I was going to kill myself. FML

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By katie_sadface - Canada

Today, I learned why so much money has been missing from my credit card account. My boyfriend stole it, and has been buying toys for his 3 children. I never knew he had kids. FML

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By wife - United States - Oceanside

Today, my husband again lost his keys. It's a daily struggle to find them. This time they were in an ice cube, literally. He said he must have accidentally put them in there when making ice. He's going to be the father of my future children. FML

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By Ashley - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, my friend spilt orange juice all over my iPad. She then went ahead to clean it off by rinsing it with water. FML

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By Lady Bloodshart of the Redwater - United States - Arlington

Today, while at a restaurant, my date shat himself. He spent the entire meal pretending nothing had happened. FML

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By thankskimi - United States

Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML

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By Pierced

Today, my mother accused me of getting another lip piercing done on the sly to spite her. She finally realised I have more than one and won't believe I've always had two. Thanks for noticing, mom. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw runny snot dripping onto his lip. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth. FML

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By tech_support - Sweden

Today, at work, my mouse cursor kept randomly moving all over the screen, and messed up an entire day's attempted work. As I was leaving, I overheard one of my co-workers saying he'd plugged a wireless mouse adapter into my computer, and had been trolling me all day. FML

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By bitch - Australia

Today, I was working behind the bar at a club. After serving drinks to a guy, he asked me if I could carry them outside to the two girls waiting for him. I scowled at him and told him I wasn't a waitress. That's when I realised he had one arm. FML

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By LCDhell - United States

Today, my husband bought a new 80-inch TV. Not only can we barely afford it, but it also blocks our doorways no matter where we put it. He refuses to return it. FML

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By u raised him

Today, my 17-year-old son attempted to rob the bank I work at while I was off shift. FML

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By rutho - United States

Today, I decided to cheat on my math test by writing a couple of equations on my hand. Totally satisfied, I handed my test in feeling like I had aced it. As I was heading toward the door, I happily waved goodbye to my teacher. She saw everything. FML

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By dsbass09 - United States

Today, after 8 years in exceptionally difficult veterinarian classes which put me $200,000 in debt, and 7 months of job searching, I finally got a job. I will be inspecting feces for worms while making minimum wage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he was being for Halloween. He said "Single". FML

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By Fartini

Today, I discovered that alcohol makes me red-faced, extremely gassy and eager to discuss my virginity with everyone. FML

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By newkid

Today, I was so lonely, I dragged out a conversation with a lady who called to get me to make an appointment to give blood. FML

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By sickday

Today, I took my first holiday from work in over 6 months as it was my birthday. Today was also the day I woke up and vomited violently for 10 straight hours as a result of food poisoning. FML

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By FuckedOver - United States - Houston

Today, I found out my mom took around $2,500 from my savings account to pay off my sister's college tuition. She recently flunked out of her studies and won't be returning to college anyway. FML

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By payne - United States

Today, I found my daughter's brand new ipod touch. At the bottom of the washing machine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I slipped and sprained my ankle while shopping for a present for my husband, who later came home and tripped over my elevated leg, hurting my ankle again. Now I have an excruciating sprain, and a spouse who's furious at me because "I shouldn't have tried to surprise him." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bradenton

Today, my father told me that my mental health issues, which have been confirmed by multiple doctors and tests, are all caused by the fact that I'm slightly overweight and don't exercise a lot. FML

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By butnotlikethat - China - Nanchang

Today, my grandma gave me a sex talk. Not the usual one, either. This one was about blowjobs. I had to sit politely as she explained it's something all women have to learn if they want a well-behaved husband, but that it's an "acquired taste". Gag me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2020 11:01

Compassion, brah

Today, I finally told my brother that I was being sexually harassed at work. I'm 22 and my brother is 41, and he literally told me that I don't even know what sexual harassment is, and then laughed in my face. FML

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By danesy - United States

Today, I was taking the subway to school. It was around 6:30am and I was listening to music and catching up on homework. When I took my headphones off to readjust them, I heard some grunting. I looked over at the man across from me to see he was masturbating. FML

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By oreosaretoocool - United Kingdom - Cardenden

Today, I finally gave my mum an expensive designer dress I spent months saving to buy for her as she had been very depressed. However she has gained so much weight from stress eating she ripped it when trying to put it on, and now won't talk to me because, "I wanted to make her feel fat". FML

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By Slayeddd - United States

Today, I realized that I have to block my number to get my own mother to take my phone calls. FML

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By Confused - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was yelled at for smoking at a bus stop, because a woman didn't appreciate me smoking by her children. She did this while waving her own lit cigarette in my face. FML

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By BERNDTOAST - United States - Dearborn

Today, I fell asleep in class... And woke up hour later. My teacher let me sit there till I woke up to see what my face would be like waking up to a new class. FML

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By abby181 - United States

Today, my six year old nephew told me to peel off my skin because, "They say you look prettier on the inside." FML

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By dreamteam - United States

Today, I was having a very realistic dream about a hot guy. Just as he was leaning in to ravish me, I was rudely awakened by the sound of my husband farting and snorting at the same time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Frisco

Today, a TV crew filmed my house for a real estate show. They got an actor to pretend he owned the place but wanted to move. The host kept saying how shit my house is, and while talking about me with his producer, he said "Know how I know he ain't a fag? Fags can actually decorate." FML

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By nomorecleanballs4u - United States - Tacoma

Today, my husband received a package in the mail containing a bottle of billiard ball cleaner for our pool table. Yes, billiard ball cleaner. I can't get that slovenly wretch to clean a toilet to save his life, but now he's determined to have the shiniest balls on the block. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, it was a warm day out so I left my car windows slightly open while I was at work. One of the local bums apparently thought this was a perfect opportunity to use my open driver's side window as a barf receptacle. FML

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By The horror... - United Kingdom - Luton

Today, I farted myself awake, in a car full of my boyfriend's family. FML

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By ihatekids - United States - Billerica

Today, after a relaxing week away, my husband and I came home to discover our 17 year old son crashed one of our cars against the other. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2020 02:00

Fresh air

Today, my parents actually kicked me into the back garden and made me sit outside for an hour so they could have sex without having to worry about me hearing them go at each other like a pair of 15-stone rabbits hopped up on Viagra. FML

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By hating my life - United States

Today, I managed to accidentally drop an entire cake on my laptop's keyboard. There's so much frosting stuck under the keys, I have no idea how I'm going to clean it out. FML

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By a cat named tiddles

Today, my cat looked like it was about to puke, so I put it outside. Unhappy with the situation, it leaped on to the kitchen window ledge and squeezed in through the open window, only to projectile vomit mid-leap all over the kitchen counter. I found a hairball in the butter. FML

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Top comments

By eminemop | 0

#3677821 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:41

Whisper back: "and I wanted a boy, but that didn't happen either."

By doonerz | 0

#3677812 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:40

is she getting one?

COMMENTS

By tellithowitis | 13

#3677810 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:40

You're going to wake up in a box

kirsty1551 | 3

#3677885 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:48

dressed as Santa.

ReesesPuffs | 0

#3677949 - Saturday 3 December 2011 20:03

Yeah... NO.

sweetpea9008 | 2

#3678462 - Saturday 3 December 2011 22:44

What the fuck! ?
So rude!
Want me to tell you that your gonna wake up in a box?
Obviously he didnt wanna hear that so why would you add to it & say shit like that?

cosmosis | 12

#3678466 - Saturday 3 December 2011 22:45

For someone who tells it like it is, tellithowitis, you do talk a fair amount of Bullshit... Just sayin

aceman1992 | 9

#3679223 - Sunday 4 December 2011 2:20

93- what the hell are you talking about?

KailyKii | 11

#3679570 - Sunday 4 December 2011 4:23

93 - Seriously? Calm the fuck down.

Lily_lops95 | 0

#3682407 - Sunday 4 December 2011 18:13

People like you are annoying

Metal_Chick | 15

#3682585 - Sunday 4 December 2011 18:55

Wait.. What? If she wants a new dad, why the hell will OP be the one in the box?.. By the way, sorry OP nothing hurts more than a loved one telling you they don't want you in their lives.

By doonerz | 0

#3677812 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:40

is she getting one?

TherealMort | 0

#3678389 - Saturday 3 December 2011 22:25

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Schizomaniac | 24

#3678512 - Saturday 3 December 2011 23:04

No, considering OP's daughter is a child and that's pretty freaking disgusting.

roserm | 2

#3678769 - Saturday 3 December 2011 23:46

I pervert would dumbass

ellakacyme22 | 6

#3679044 - Sunday 4 December 2011 0:57

What are you a pervet or a piedo. You disgust me

Jimster1712 | 0

#3679234 - Sunday 4 December 2011 2:27

He is not a pervet or piedo, but a pervert and pedophile

Xx_FuckedLife_xX | 0

#3679679 - Sunday 4 December 2011 4:51

ME. I did. lol

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#3679951 - Sunday 4 December 2011 6:28

C'est la vie mon ami. But seriously, don't take it personally. Kids say the darnedest things

ABarrelHorseGirl | 8

#5813842 - Thursday 2 January 2014 9:35

#135, Your icon makes your comment that much better

By 123amanda123 | 14

#3677814 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:40

awe that's sad :( ... maybe she was just embarrassed you dressed up as Santa ... hopefully she didn't mean it

By nadyy14 | 8

#3677817 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:41

Omg, poor you :( she probably doesn't know how awesome you are :D

UrCapsLockOn | 12

#3677879 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:47

do you even know how AWESOME is he ... ???

nadyy14 | 8

#3677910 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:53

It's to boost his spirit!

boofgall | 16

#3678079 - Saturday 3 December 2011 20:35

Nady has the right idea! Kids minds are very in-the-moment with most of their thoughts until they mature more. She could've just been upset about something.

FarSide | 22

#3678315 - Saturday 3 December 2011 22:05

Well FHL twice if he came to this site looking for sympathy.

MyEpicDemise | 7

#3678394 - Saturday 3 December 2011 22:26

Of course he is awesome. He's Santa!

cosmosis | 12

#3678474 - Saturday 3 December 2011 22:48

Anyone who has the balls to dress up as santa in a crowded place is definately awesome! All about making the kids happy. FYL OP.

alival | 12

#3679964 - Sunday 4 December 2011 6:35

U know sometimes kids learn this stuff from TV shows!

By Istalkrexgar2000_fml | 0

#3677819 - Saturday 3 December 2011 19:41

Awe. I'm sorry OP. Kids say the damndest things.

Awsumuzzie | 12

#3678238 - Saturday 3 December 2011 21:21

Awe. Commenters repeat the samest things.

soccerguy2 | 11

#3678525 - Saturday 3 December 2011 23:09

68- he said this comment before anyone else said it so he didnt say the same thing

poopdollar123 | 4

#3678533 - Saturday 3 December 2011 23:10

awe. muslims say the dumbest things.

Awsumuzzie | 12

#3678917 - Sunday 4 December 2011 0:20

100, oh, it must be some deja vu thing with me since I see it all the time... My bad.

mk58 | 31

#3678977 - Sunday 4 December 2011 0:38

No, 100, it's true, only that it's not the same person saying it over and over again. It's just that every single time an FML involves a kid, at least one person has to pull that line out of their ass.