Today, I was working as an intern at a day care. One of the kids... - FML

By Mikabe - 14/2/2011 18:51 - Sweden

Today, I was working as an intern at a day care. One of the kids touched my chest a couple of times, and I jokingly told him that he shouldn't touch old and ugly women like me. So he started groping the little girls instead. When the other teachers asked him why, he said I had told him to. FML

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Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Yappy neighborhood

Don't give up

By Anon - 27/7/2009 07:32 - Singapore

Today, I found out that my brother was selling pictures of me showering. For what? World of Warcraft money. FML

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By Wowfmylife - 19/8/2009 03:59 - United States

Today, my ex showed up at my door with chocolates and flowers. I've liked him since I was 13, starting dating him when I was 15. He proposed when I was 22. I am now 24, and yesterday was our wedding day. He didn't show. FML

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By fabiennemorin35 - 30/8/2016 09:29 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my boss told me that he’d hired me because he thought I looked intelligent. He then went on to say that it was about time that I proved that I was. FML

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By call me humpty - 30/6/2018 20:30

Today, my dad knocked me down the steps while chasing my brother around the house shouting, "Get back here you pervert!" at the top of his lungs. I have a concussion and a vertebrae fracture because my dad is a religious nutjob and he caught my 22-year-old brother having premarital sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2009 09:20 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a shower together for the first time. He was trying impress me and did some sort of dance move, he slipped, and when he fell he kicked my leg out causing me to fall and hit my face on the faucet. FML

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By firelava - 25/4/2014 22:59 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I waited two hours in line at college to select my classes. I finally got to the desk, only to be told I have to apply online before I can show up in person. FML

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By smh - 27/6/2013 23:37 - United States - Milltown

Today, my sister called me up extremely excited because she found out Flo Rida is from Florida. She's 22. FML

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By tbw - 12/1/2012 00:31 - United States

Today, I decided to get my ass in shape and went to the gym. I got motion-sickness on the elliptical. FML

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By Badabim - 30/4/2018 20:30

Today, 5 minutes before closing, a customer was taking a bike from the row while I helped someone else. The customer ended up pushing the whole row down and left instantly without even apologizing. It took me about an hour to pick up the bikes and check for damage. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2020 14:00

How to make a sociopath

Today, I went to my job as an aide for first-grade students. I went home with a swollen face after my student punched me because I was, "making the timer go too fast" and he wanted more iPad time. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2012 02:03 - United States

Today, Target asked me if I would do the closing announcement. I've only been working there a little while, so excited I agreed. I told people, "The store is now closing, thank you for shopping at Walmart." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2011 11:46 - Denmark

Today, I caught my mother trying to text on her iPhone, with her nipple. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2017 01:00 - Australia - Stretton

Today, I was in the shower washing my hair when my hand ran down the shower caddy and in particular, on my razor. If I wasn't woozy from all the blood splatter around the shower - seeing the bone that connects my finger definitely did it. FML

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By fuck - 2/6/2011 18:43 - United States

Today, I got to see my son's dream of being on television come true. Unfortunately, it was because he'd been arrested for trying to rob a bank. FML

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By Ndanick1193 - 17/10/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I found out that if you let your son install a new shower head, he won't tighten it properly. So when you turn the shower on, it will shoot out at rocket speed, hitting you in the face. Then when you grab the shower handle to prevent yourself falling backwards, you will just rip that out and hit your head again. FML

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By NotAsGoodAsATruck - 3/6/2018 14:30 - United States - Ludington

Today, after my boyfriend had been away for months, I invited him over to have sex. He said he hurt his back too badly to do anything. Don't worry though, it doesn't hurt enough to stop him from working on his truck for several hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2020 02:00

Getting the point across

Today, I was discharged from hospital and I took a cab home. The driver drove really fast and made sharp turns that made me feel nauseous. As I opened my mouth to tell him to slow down, I threw up all over the back seat. FML

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By nonameLiz - 3/2/2010 01:16 - United States

Today, I found out that you can get arrested for holding up a 'free hugs' sign. FML

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By skunk head - 22/7/2020 05:01

Extreme makeover

Today, my idiot husband got drunk in the middle of the day and decided to dress our 7-year-old like Rufio from the movie Hook. I wouldn’t have even been mad if he’d done a decent job. Instead, he did a botched bleach and dye job in our boy’s hair that makes him look like a skunk on acid. FML

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By stressed - 12/10/2014 06:40 - United States - Statham

Today, as a restaurant manager, I had a large party of difficult guests. They sat in their private room they'd reserved for three-and-a-half hours, then caused a huge scene when it was time to pay. One guy even ran at me like he was going to hit me. FML

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By markyvilla - 15/4/2011 01:09 - United States

Today, I got dressed up for the first time in days to go have sushi with a friend. When I walked out to my car, I noticed that the passenger window was shattered and the car robbed. What's worse is I'd forgotten to lock the side doors anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2020 14:00

My 21st birthday

Today, my parents took me to a bar to celebrate my 21st birthday. They brought my little brother, but when the bouncer wouldn't allow him in, they made me wait outside with him while they went in for drinks. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2012 19:40 - United States

Today, my wife sent me to the store to pick stuff up so we could make BLTs. I got the bacon, but couldn't remember what else went into them, so I bought an avocado and napkins. When I got back home, my wife very slowly and sarcastically explained what BLT stands for. FML

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By duncan74 - 10/12/2014 03:23 - France - Balma

Today, my cats found a new game to play. They each sit on either side of the cat flap, and take turns hitting it. Clack, clack. Clack, clack. At 3 am. Clack, clack. Clack, clack. FML

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By anon - 4/5/2009 21:56 - United States

Today, I was sitting in a theater waiting for the movie to start when a hot guy sat next to me. Trying to impress him, I made seemingly witty comments to my friend throughout the movie. When it ended he loudly complained to his friends about the annoying girl sitting next to him. FML

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By Highschoolsucks - 18/3/2020 23:00 - Australia - Brisbane

Unexpected item

Today, I was hit in the head with a football during class. Spanish class. FML

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By omgwtf - 18/10/2009 15:32 - United States

Today, it was Homecoming. During the dance, I saw this mentally handicapped guy ask this pretty girl to dance. She said no. So I went over to him and asked him to dance. He replied that he only wanted to dance with "pretty girls" and I was not one. FML

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By poopsthegame - 3/12/2012 07:36 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I walked out of my apartment to see that someone had climbed onto the hood of my car and taken a shit on my windshield. I only moved in a couple of weeks ago. FML

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By sparkyjaf - 14/5/2015 12:41 - Australia - West Pymble

Today, all of my roommates handed in their vacating notice unexpectedly. They are all moving to a new house together in two weeks, leaving me to be either homeless or forced to pay 4 times what I was paying in rent. FML

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By guamfml - 3/6/2009 00:10 - Guam

Today, I was cleaning my father's study room and wondering why I did not receive my acceptance/rejection letter from a college I really wanted. I found the acceptance letter, on his desk, also approving of a full scholarship. The deadline to confirm was a month ago. FML

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By HotACE - 22/4/2011 05:08

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, she tells me that the flab on my stomach does not turn her on, and stops in the middle of it. Therefore, until my diet is over, guess who doesn't get any. FML

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By AmICrappyEveryOtherDay - 2/9/2010 23:51 - Canada

Today, I received my first compliment in a really long time. It went, "Hey, you don't look like crap today." FML

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By Cantgetno - 20/9/2011 07:45 - United States

Today, I realized my tampon goes deeper than my boyfriend. FML

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By Sarah91 - 13/10/2008 08:23

Today, I was lying on the bed with my boyfriend. We were watching his cell phone when an automatic reminder message came on the screen: "Do not forget to tell a lie to babe about going out this Friday". FML

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By Username - 25/9/2010 04:49 - France

Today, I was at a comedy club, and the girl behind me was drinking. Before she swallowed it, the comedian said something funny, making her spit it all in my hair. I had just had it done for my sister's wedding tomorrow. FML

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By Katt - 25/4/2016 18:04 - United States - Columbia

Today, I was cuddling my boyfriend on the lobby's couch. We were not paying attention to anything but each other. Apparently, someone tied our shoes together. I stood up and faceplanted into a pool table. I'm now missing two teeth. FML

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By Foam - 26/12/2009 06:10 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend went in to kiss me. He came in too aggressively and passionately and his front tooth knocked against mine. I am now missing a third of my right front tooth. Average cost for a dental crown? $900. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2009 11:13 - Greece

Today, I said to our pool-boy, "I know what you're doing, and you have to stop it." He started shouting that I had no right to tell them what to do and that they were in love. He was referring to his relationship with my eldest son. I wanted to tell him to stop drinking my beers. FML

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By raebay - 5/11/2009 01:23 - United States

Today, after I bathed my nine month old, I laid her on my bed to grab a diaper. I turned around to see that she'd peed on my comforter. I then put her in her playpen to put my cover in the wash. I came back into the room to get her, and saw she'd taken off her diaper. She'd crapped in her playpen. FML

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By skmusic - 9/4/2009 05:04 - Canada

Today, the phone rang so I went to answer it. No one was there. A minute later the phone rang again and no one answered so I assumed it was a telemarketer or a prank so I started swearing uncontrollably in rage. Turns out it was my crush calling to ask me out, but she was too nervous to ask. FML

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Top comments

By DahkLohd | 4

#2083460 - Monday 14 February 2011 22:59

Word of advice: don't make those kinds of jokes around little kids. They won't understand!

By AgeOfAquariusss | 7

#2083449 - Monday 14 February 2011 22:57

Haha kids can really twist your words :D

COMMENTS

By AgeOfAquariusss | 7

#2083449 - Monday 14 February 2011 22:57

Haha kids can really twist your words :D

Reply

Bosia | 0

#2084647 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 6:14

What do the little daycare girls have on their chest to grope?

Reply

meowmeowwkitty | 0

#2084664 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 6:20

this is why I don't work with kids

Reply

DoubleEdgedBlade | 4

#2084939 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 8:31

That is a good point there, 43. Maybe he was trying to find where the nipples are? For example, he found out that milk comes out from mom and since mom = girl in his mind, maybe he decided to investigate if all girls have milk?

Reply

topbanana | 0

#2628757 - Monday 6 June 2011 8:18

what the hell kind of day care is this?

By DahkLohd | 4

#2083460 - Monday 14 February 2011 22:59

Word of advice: don't make those kinds of jokes around little kids. They won't understand!

Reply

GeraldisTheG | 3

#2085365 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:26

voldemort always provides the best advice

By sweet_candy_ | 17

#2083468 - Monday 14 February 2011 23:00

lol smart kid.

Reply

drew0001 | 0

#2083577 - Monday 14 February 2011 23:42

very smart

Reply

samadams42 | 0

#2083769 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 0:58

genious!!

Reply

Perksofbeingawal | 0

#2083907 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 1:34

Genius* :P

I don't correct you to be rude or seem superior, I just want you to spell it correctly in the future. = )

Reply

LifeSucksbtw | 0

#2084823 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 7:38

finally some one who isn't a bitch about spelling errors. :D

Reply

Perksofbeingawal | 0

#2084875 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 7:57

Ah thanks! Kinda' made my day :D

I'd never be rude about it, I make spelling errors too sometimes. :(

Reply

denbeste | 3

#2085222 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 11:26

#31 is a bitch. Ruined my day.

Reply

gaptt | 8

#2086051 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 17:09

"It's "kind of". Not that I'm being nice about it, I just hate idiots who pervert my language and have the audacity *TO* correct others."

Have a nice day now.

Reply

samadams42 | 0

#2086631 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 22:39

to correct others. ;)

Reply

Perksofbeingawal | 0

#2087494 - Wednesday 16 February 2011 5:13

Hey uh, "justalilrandom", I'm pretty sure I know how to say it properly, haha. You're making yourself look like a complete idiot, loool. :) Oh and by the way, "audacity correct others" doesn't make sense. Nice try though ;) retard.

Reply

Snowlight_fml | 7

#2098048 - Friday 18 February 2011 22:48

I see neither the words 'joke' nor 'troll' register in people's minds...

By UTTU | 0

#2083476 - Monday 14 February 2011 23:00

Tonight on "To Catch a Predator"

Reply

10_4Franky | 0

#2083588 - Monday 14 February 2011 23:46

To Catch a Predator: Daycare Hook-Ups

By moosemonkey1000 | 6

#2083481 - Monday 14 February 2011 23:05

that kid sounds like somone you can't trust so the teachers probably know he lies a lot.

By andiles | 0

#2083484 - Monday 14 February 2011 23:02

second don't kill me

By minktheshrink | 0

#2083487 - Monday 14 February 2011 23:03

If the child is that young you shouldn't joke about it! Ydi

By Asario | 0

#2083490 - Monday 14 February 2011 23:04

sounds like an aprentice of mine.

Reply

EmoLittleBish | 0

#2083580 - Monday 14 February 2011 23:41

WOW..... O_o

Reply

InnocentLies | 0

#2083610 - Monday 14 February 2011 23:53

Wow?!
Look at his pic he's pedobear.
:p

Reply

ThoraxeTheImpale_fml | 0

#2083776 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 0:59

that's not a pedobear, that's the Sexual Harassment Panda!

Reply

Asario | 0

#2083974 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 1:55

you make fun of my picture when yours are 2 anorexic emos, a asian prostitue (who btw id like to purchase), and a veterianary doctor who fucked up one of his mutations! way to go!

By mrahhhhh | 19

#2083498 - Monday 14 February 2011 23:07

Sigmund Freud would be proud.

Reply

whisperingeye13 | 0

#2083617 - Monday 14 February 2011 23:57

nice psychology reference. props for knowledge

Reply

cradle6 | 13

#2083634 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 0:01

He probably wasn't breast fed for long enough (if taking a Freudian viewpoint). But all the Freud unconscious stuff is supposed to come into play a looooot later in life.

By muchagente | 5

#2083507 - Monday 14 February 2011 23:12

well, in fact you did.