Kids: Today, I was working as an intern at a day care. One of the kids... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 96

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 358

You deserved it 45

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 138

14/02/2011 18:51

Today, I was working as an intern at a day care. One of the kids touched my chest a couple of times, and I jokingly told him that he shouldn't touch old and ugly women like me. So he started groping the little girls instead. When the other teachers asked him why, he said I had told him to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 310

You deserved it 12 908

There's no helping some people

Best birthday ever!

Deadlines whooshing by

17/10/2009 11:13

Today, I awoke to find a giant turd on my carpet, cat hair everywhere in my room, and a big hole in my window screen. I don't own a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 028

You deserved it 2 387

11/03/2010 05:30

Today, I was awoken by a conversation my mom was having with my dog upstairs. She was telling my dog that a ghost lives in our house. She was completely serious. The ghost even has a name and a backstory. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 877

You deserved it 2 709

03/06/2011 06:25

Today, my dad's work phone went off, and I thought I should go tell him since he's on call. Turns out no matter how you do it, a 47 year old man at one in the morning will think you are a burglar trying to attack him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 259

You deserved it 3 371

14/08/2013 09:11

Today, I was visiting my cousin's farm. Going out for a morning stroll, I took an apple with me to munch along the way. As I was eating it, I heard a distant thumping sound and was suddenly slammed into the ground. When I looked up, a horse was eating my apple. I got mugged by a horse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 144

You deserved it 6 820

We need to talk

By Anonymous - 30/07/2015 19:29

Spicy

Today, I just found my husband on Craigslist. He's working away from home, and he's looking to give a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 463

You deserved it 2 936

09/01/2010 06:38

Spicy

Today, while my kids were taking a nap in the other room, I masturbated while Dora The Explorer was on. I think I need to get out more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 495

You deserved it 28 622

Creepy

By Dummy - 10/11/2009 05:47

Today, I saw an adorable girl at the bar and I went to talk to her. I decided to use my cheesiest pick up line to make her laugh. After I said it, she knew who I was. It was my cousin I hadn't seen in 8 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 568

You deserved it 16 004

Shave it off, own it!

By Anonymous - 15/05/2021 22:01

Today, like any other day for a year, I'm 17 years-old. Today, like any other day, I have my hair styled in a combover because I'm bald. FML

I agree, your life sucks 939

You deserved it 63

11/01/2013 22:22

Today, trying to be sweet, I told my girlfriend that I'm so happy we met one another. She muttered, "Well, that makes one of us." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 235

You deserved it 3 226

21/07/2013 20:54

Today, the great deal on my new apartment has turned into a nightmare. I keep hearing extremely weird sounds almost every night, and when I tried taking pics of the place today, my camera's face recognition feature kept activating, but only in my bedroom. I'm scared shitless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 540

You deserved it 4 900

11/02/2009 05:16

Today, a flight attendant asked me if I was airsick because I looked really pale. I told her that was my normal complexion but thanked her for her concern. She insisted "No, that can't be normal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 095

You deserved it 2 868

06/11/2018 13:30

Today, I got a blue screen of death on my brand new computer. Why? My parents installed an "anti-virus" before I got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 942

You deserved it 224

12/02/2013 04:18

Today, I unknowingly bought a house next to a former toxic waste dump. I found out by reading an article in the paper where residents are claiming that they are experiencing cancer and birth defects. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 042

You deserved it 7 241

17/07/2013 16:02

Today, trying to be funny in front of some friends, I held my cat above my head Lion King style. The height must have made him nervous, because he shat on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 825

You deserved it 54 805

06/04/2012 07:24

Today, I actually used Febreze as a substitute for deodorant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 598

You deserved it 27 890

13/05/2011 17:08

Spicy

Today, while making love to my wife, I let slip her sister's name. I don't think it would calm her down much if I told the truth: I was actually thinking of an ex girlfriend who shares the same name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 330

You deserved it 67 287

17/03/2019 22:00

Today, my roommate invited her brother over to drink. Neither can handle their drink and her brother is a sympathy spewer. He’s not my guest but I had to clean up vomit until 4 in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 066

You deserved it 188

12/11/2011 15:42

Today, like every day since my birth, my name is Spreme. Yeah, you probably have trouble pronouncing it correctly too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 723

You deserved it 3 653

09/01/2014 03:23

Today, my lips were dry and chapped, so I asked if I could use some of my friend's chapstick. She didn't mind, so I quickly put some on. Only later did I notice that my lips were sparkly. Turns out it was glitter balm. Now everyone calls me "princess." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 838

You deserved it 13 647

10/09/2011 18:19

Today, the really cute guy who asked for my number last night texted me. He wanted to know if he could get my friend's number, because he'd been too shy to ask her directly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 685

You deserved it 2 782

18/05/2011 07:57

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend of 1 month came over and told me she wanted to talk to me. We sat down on the couch and she told me she was pregnant and that it was mine. I reminded her that we've never slept together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 406

You deserved it 4 958

30/06/2011 17:30

Today, I woke up to find that not only did the toothpaste I put on my pimple make it more noticable, but it made it worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 428

You deserved it 34 577

09/01/2010 15:56

Spicy

Today, the guy I have been seeing stopped me in the middle of sex and told me to finish him off by going down on him instead. After a few minutes, I looked up to discover that the noises I had thought were moans of pleasure were actually the sounds of him snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 390

You deserved it 4 851

29/09/2013 19:46

Spicy

Today, I sent my boyfriend a text asking him to come over a little later and have some "fun" with me. He texted back, "WTF babe? Breaking Bad's on tonight. You got a dildo, fucking use it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 617

You deserved it 27 635

01/05/2016 04:56

Today, my boss sent me a message about a project, via WhatsApp. It's my day off, so I figured it could wait till I was able to give a flying fuck. Literally a minute later, he was spamming me, demanding to know why I'd left him as read and reminding me that he has firing powers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 762

You deserved it 1 503

15/03/2009 05:39

Today, I went to a birthday party for my friend's daughter. I picked up a gift for the girl and another for her parents. I got the mother a cute little garden stone that read "What our children see in the world depends on what we show them." Later, I found out her daughter is blind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 468

You deserved it 17 188

13/01/2016 06:58

Today, neither I nor any of my coworkers understand why our boss hates me enough that I feel the need to carry pepperspray on me at all times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 978

You deserved it 1 592

30/07/2011 12:03

Today, I was really excited because the girl I'd liked since freshman year asked me out. She came to my house and my mom decided to show her baby pictures of me with tampons up my nose because I'd had a nose bleed. Even worse, there was one picture of me when I was 15 doing the same thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 875

You deserved it 9 861

19/06/2013 15:29

Today, I woke up early, went to the gym, then came home and showered. When I went into my room to change, my mom woke up and started pounding on my door, screaming about how lazy and useless I was for sleeping so late. When I tried to tell her otherwise, she grounded me for "talking back". FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 050

You deserved it 3 592

29/05/2017 22:00

Today, I went to a bone and joint specialist because of excruciating back pain. Before the examination, the doctor told me that the possible reasons for the pain could be arthritis, sciatica, or scoliosis. After the examination, I found out that I have all three. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 727

You deserved it 232

31/10/2015 13:23

Today, while shopping, I stepped a bit closer to a couple that stood in front of a display. The girl then shot me a nasty look, grabbed her boyfriend and started pointedly making out with him. I was just trying to buy some butter. But thanks for reminding me how lonely I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 464

You deserved it 1 827

19/10/2012 06:41

Today, my girlfriend's new favorite TV show is Law and Order SVU. Now after every episode she insists on asking me if I'm sure I wasn't molested as a kid. She's still on the first season. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 353

You deserved it 1 826

Oh no, she's back

By Anonymous - 19/08/2021 18:01

Today, I learned that the respondents on the Suicide Hotline recognize me, and not fondly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 774

You deserved it 163

Overreaction much?

By brokenglass - 24/03/2021 21:30

Today, while bringing my grandmother some water, I tripped, dropping and shattering the glass. Infuriated, she explained to me that the glass was worth more than I am and ordered me out of her house for good. I live there. I was also with her when she bought the glass. $10 for a set of 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 964

You deserved it 52

07/02/2015 12:52

Today, I posted a photo on Facebook of me at a club with some friends. The first comment it got was "Just got a stiffy. 10/10." Thanks for that, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 424

You deserved it 3 592

09/04/2015 14:03

Today, I went driving for the first time with my mom. When she wasn't screaming, she gave great advice like, "Stop at the red light" and "Don't crash into cars". I need to drive 50 hours with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 050

You deserved it 2 634

Compromises

By DepressionBetty - 11/10/2021 08:00

Today, I realized I agreed to go to the gym with my fiancé after being on my feet at work all day because he wants to get fit, but he will not help me remodel the house I’m working on so we can have a bigger place to live, because he doesn’t feel like it. I don’t want or need to go to the gym. FML

I agree, your life sucks 741

You deserved it 189

18/09/2016 17:10

Today, I was having dinner at my aunt's house who just migrated to Germany from India and doesn't know any German. I asked for the recipe of a dish and she said that she has been buying these cans with cute kitty picture and just adds spices to it. Catfood is delicious I must admit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 240

You deserved it 976

17/10/2018 03:00

Today, I drove over 3 hours to hook up with a guy I've been talking to for a couple of months. When we start having sex, he lasted less than a minute, and then couldn't get it up again afterwards. I slept uncomfortably the entire night on his twin bed while he snored. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 411

You deserved it 1 321

Casual something

By lukey101 - 14/02/2021 18:30

Today, I went to the Asian Grocery. I politely smiled, bellowed, “Hello!” and kind of waved to the cashier as I walked in, to which he gave me a blank, scared-for-his-life kinda look. Turns out he was actually just another customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 568

You deserved it 352

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 22:59

Word of advice: don't make those kinds of jokes around little kids. They won't understand!

AgeOfAquariusss 7

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 22:57

Haha kids can really twist your words :D

Comments

AgeOfAquariusss 7

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 22:57

Haha kids can really twist your words :D

Bosia 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 15 February 2011 6:14

What do the little daycare girls have on their chest to grope?

meowmeowwkitty 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 15 February 2011 6:20

this is why I don't work with kids

DoubleEdgedBlade 4

Send a private message

Tuesday 15 February 2011 8:31

That is a good point there, 43. Maybe he was trying to find where the nipples are? For example, he found out that milk comes out from mom and since mom = girl in his mind, maybe he decided to investigate if all girls have milk?

Send a private message

Monday 6 June 2011 8:18

what the hell kind of day care is this?

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 22:59

Word of advice: don't make those kinds of jokes around little kids. They won't understand!

Send a private message

Tuesday 15 February 2011 12:26

voldemort always provides the best advice

sweet_candy_ 17

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 23:00

lol smart kid.

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 23:42

very smart

Send a private message

Tuesday 15 February 2011 0:58

genious!!

Perksofbeingawal 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 15 February 2011 1:34

Genius* :P I don't correct you to be rude or seem superior, I just want you to spell it correctly in the future. = )

Send a private message

Tuesday 15 February 2011 7:38

finally some one who isn't a bitch about spelling errors. :D

Perksofbeingawal 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 15 February 2011 7:57

Ah thanks! Kinda' made my day :D I'd never be rude about it, I make spelling errors too sometimes. :(

Send a private message

Tuesday 15 February 2011 11:26

#31 is a bitch. Ruined my day.

gaptt 8

Send a private message

Tuesday 15 February 2011 17:09

"It's "kind of". Not that I'm being nice about it, I just hate idiots who pervert my language and have the audacity *TO* correct others." Have a nice day now.

Send a private message

Tuesday 15 February 2011 22:39

to correct others. ;)

Perksofbeingawal 0

Send a private message

Wednesday 16 February 2011 5:13

Hey uh, "justalilrandom", I'm pretty sure I know how to say it properly, haha. You're making yourself look like a complete idiot, loool. :) Oh and by the way, "audacity correct others" doesn't make sense. Nice try though ;) retard.

Snowlight_fml 7

Send a private message

Friday 18 February 2011 22:48

I see neither the words 'joke' nor 'troll' register in people's minds...

UTTU 0

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 23:00

Tonight on "To Catch a Predator"

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 23:46

To Catch a Predator: Daycare Hook-Ups

moosemonkey1000 6

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 23:05

that kid sounds like somone you can't trust so the teachers probably know he lies a lot.

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 23:02

second don't kill me

minktheshrink 0

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 23:03

If the child is that young you shouldn't joke about it! Ydi

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 23:04

sounds like an aprentice of mine.

EmoLittleBish 0

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 23:41

WOW..... O_o

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 23:53

Wow?! Look at his pic he's pedobear. :p

ThoraxeTheImpale_fml 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 15 February 2011 0:59

that's not a pedobear, that's the Sexual Harassment Panda!

Send a private message

Tuesday 15 February 2011 1:55

you make fun of my picture when yours are 2 anorexic emos, a asian prostitue (who btw id like to purchase), and a veterianary doctor who fucked up one of his mutations! way to go!

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 23:07

Sigmund Freud would be proud.

whisperingeye13 0

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 23:57

nice psychology reference. props for knowledge

Send a private message

Tuesday 15 February 2011 0:01

He probably wasn't breast fed for long enough (if taking a Freudian viewpoint). But all the Freud unconscious stuff is supposed to come into play a looooot later in life.

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 23:12

well, in fact you did.