Intimacy: Today, I found out that the candy bracelet my sister gave me...

14/02/2011 17:15 - Belgium

Today, I found out that the candy bracelet my sister gave me a few days ago was actually a candy cock ring she'd used on her boyfriend just a few hours prior. Apparently, she didn't like the taste. I however, did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 696

You deserved it 4 860

Intimacy

Forever the bridesmaid

Phantom pooper

Thanks, government

It's a coup!

By everythingWASperfect - 13/11/2010 14:43 - Canada

Today, at work, I accidentally walked into a meeting at which the whole company was there but me. The meeting was about how they could legally fire me while paying as little severance as possible. I'm the CEO and the founder of the company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 839

You deserved it 4 315

16/08/2013 14:05 - United States - Grandville

Today, at the yacht club I work at a girl ordered a Portabella wrap. She asked for no cheese or veggies, just the Portabellas. After she got the sandwich and ate half of it, she sent it back saying she didn't know it had mushrooms in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 569

You deserved it 3 318

10/11/2014 05:01 - United States - Rockville

Today, my boyfriend pretended to be reading braille while touching my chest acne. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 528

You deserved it 7 445

18/07/2015 00:54 - United States - Johnson City

Today, I was Skyping with my girlfriend. I was so incredibly tired and just wanted to go to bed, but she just kept talking and wouldn't let me go. I ended up blurting "Your mom's a cunt." just to start a fight and have an excuse to hang up on her. I feel like an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 592

You deserved it 41 932

25/12/2015 16:00 - United States - Jefferson City

Today, I tried dying my hair blonde. I put my hair in a bun and waited for it to dye. I guess I did something wrong, because my hair is now 4 different shades of blonde/orange, along with patches of my natural black hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 052

You deserved it 11 899

16/05/2017 12:00

Today, I found out that it is possible for someone else to cancel my Internet, TV and phone services in two days. However it'll take me 5 days, after 6 hours on the phone, to get it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 347

You deserved it 250

22/11/2016 07:05 - United States - Roseburg

Today, we finally got paperwork saying we were approved for a loan to buy a house! The only problem? It's not eligible for the county we live in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 005

You deserved it 921

Tis the season

By creimers - 01/07/2020 23:01

Today, my mom forbade me from taking any allergy medicine, because she is afraid that I'll turn into a meth addict. I have horrible allergies and can barely see or stop sneezing without them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 583

You deserved it 107

22/02/2017 04:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, while working at the bar, I had a beautiful woman squeeze my bicep and tell me I was in amazing shape. Instead of flirting like any normal human being, I awkwardly said, "Thanks…" and then walked away in shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 829

You deserved it 1 305

Nice guys

By Anonymous - 21/08/2021 10:01

Today, I broke a heel and fell. A real handsome guy helped me up, so being single I said I didn’t know how I might repay him, hoping he might ask me out. He asked me if I’d be willing to go to the public toilets round the corner and suck him off. Why do I even bother trying to find a nice guy? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 192

You deserved it 215

08/08/2017 14:00 - United States - Worcester

Today, I woke up to a bunch of missed calls from a number I didn't know. I had called an Uber in my sleep. They charged a cancellation fee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 070

You deserved it 1 071

Vampire News

By Anonymous - 30/11/2016 01:48

Today, I discovered that when my doctor said my new medication "may cause sensitivity to sunlight" what he meant was "sit in total darkness during the day or your skin will feel like its burning off." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 264

You deserved it 561

29/12/2009 07:12 - United States

Today, marks the second week straight without sex. Being a newlywed isn't as great as I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 645

You deserved it 4 639

Am I the asshole?

By Yanil - 20/06/2021 16:02

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from 4 years ago. Turns out she hasn’t found love again since I broke it off with her for her best friend. She’s not the bubbly, cheery girl I met before. I can’t help but feel like an asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 295

You deserved it 2 159

18/02/2015 05:22 - France

Today, I'm an intern working in a company's reception area, which happens to have a coffee dispenser. As I'm the new girl, every client getting coffee wants to buy me one. I'm too polite to say no. It's 10:26 AM, and I'm on cup #17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 633

You deserved it 12 166

Covidiots just wanna have fun

By Anonymous - 28/08/2021 13:59

Today, I've been in lockdown for so long, I got turned on by washing carrots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 767

You deserved it 183

03/06/2015 15:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I got my make-up remover wipes mixed up with my sister's self-tan wipes. I am currently watching my face slowly turn orange and there is nothing I can do about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 062

You deserved it 5 902

29/09/2011 17:20 - United States

Today, I met my new dentist. His teeth are worse than mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 594

You deserved it 3 038

26/03/2011 07:05

Today, I laid in bed all night texting my drunk boyfriend and drunk best friend. They were at two different parties, neither of which I was invited to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 135

You deserved it 5 714

13/09/2016 02:55 - United States - Fremont

Today, my extremely racist coworker was doing his usual thing. Since it was 9/11 he went absolutely hardcore on his "jokes" so I reported it to my supervisor. She asked what did he say specifically and I recited it to her. She decided to write me up for "making inappropriate comments at work". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 997

You deserved it 1 300

04/03/2014 20:44 - United States - Peabody

Today, I got home late from work, so I decided to make myself a microwave meal. I pierced the plastic film several times. A little too loudly for my hateful bastard of a neighbor, I guess, because he called the cops on me, claiming he heard gunshots from my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 144

You deserved it 3 282

13/07/2014 16:04 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, I discovered the downside to having a "sneak-attacks-allowed" tickle war with my 4-year-old son. I had to explain to several outraged strangers at the supermarket why my son kept flinching and pulling away whenever I made any sudden movements near him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 272

You deserved it 6 768

Insurance is a scam

By leogs23 - 27/02/2021 16:58

Today, my fiancée wrecked my car so I had to use my other car to pick her up. Ten minutes after I did, my other car broke down in the middle of the road and I had to get it towed. My insurance covers none of these incidents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 798

You deserved it 191

30/04/2013 17:55 - United States - Hartford

Today, my guidance counselor told me that I'll have to join my school's special education needs sector. This is because I can't attend school properly due to chronic issues with severe pain. So much for my 3.9 GPA and being in the top 5% of my class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 207

You deserved it 3 343

04/01/2015 06:46 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my boss called and yelled at me because he said I was "spotted" out after I called off sick. I was out getting the medicine the doctor had just prescribed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 065

You deserved it 2 361

27/01/2012 06:48 - Canada

Today, I made a drunken bet with friends that I could pour lighter fluid on my hands, light it, and shake it out before I got burned. I lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 955

You deserved it 66 598

Wrong end of the stick

By Matt - 03/06/2012 14:21 - Australia - Tyabb

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house to break up with her. It was a hard decision and both of us became quite emotionally overwhelmed at the time. We began to hug as a final goodbye, then her mum burst in the room and yelled, "HE FINALLY PROPOSED!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 767

You deserved it 3 846

22/02/2012 03:43 - United States

Today, my dad was complaining about how he makes so little money, so I suggested he invent something. The first thing that came to his mind was an automatic animal masturbator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 445

You deserved it 3 689

Classic

By notacreeper - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Today, I told my mother I have a girlfriend. Her first answer was, "Does she know?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 767

You deserved it 5 390

09/06/2016 23:37 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came home to my wife packing a bag. We had been fighting recently and I understood why she was leaving, but then I noticed she wasn't packing her stuff. She explained that I was the one who was leaving, she was just packing my bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 617

You deserved it 2 232

21/02/2012 02:15 - Canada

Today, my husband came home late from drinking with his buddies, only to toss and turn and keep me up for an hour. He then sat up and didn't move for a few minutes. I sat up to see what was wrong, only to see him pissing on the carpet beside our bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 974

You deserved it 2 654

22/07/2012 19:25 - United States - Nixa

Today, after having taken hormone tablets to try to increase my cup size, I realized that I've basically reversed my menopause. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 847

You deserved it 33 735

14/08/2011 08:17 - United States

Today, I was working on my new house and I was taking out a large cactus. While picking up the pieces to throw away, I noticed a spider on my forearm. Without thinking, I swiped at the spider with a piece of the cactus. I missed the spider, not my forearm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 630

You deserved it 26 991

08/09/2010 04:42 - United States

Today, I was arrested by the police for sitting in what they thought was a stolen vehicle. After being slammed into the back of a squad car at gun point, they realized the car was actually recovered a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 807

You deserved it 2 484

23/11/2014 01:33 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was at a club and caught a cute guy's eye from across the bar. He smiled at me, got up and came over, then said "Oh shit! You looked way hotter from back there. Damn!" and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 950

You deserved it 3 562

20/03/2013 23:53 - United States - Wilmette

Today, I tossed half a sausage to a dog sitting beside a park bench. It wasn't until he lunged for it and dragged the man beside him off of the bench that I realized it was a seeing eye dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 099

You deserved it 26 814

11/01/2011 13:34

Today, while parallel parked, a car stopped next to me, backed up, and hit the woman behind him. When she pulled off to the side to check for damage, she slammed into me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 606

You deserved it 1 982

21/05/2011 14:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I went out with my best friend and her hot brother. Upon our exit out of the restaurant I walked right into the glass door and rebounded back off it. The whole restaurant was silent as I shamefully walked out only to trip on the curb outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 414

You deserved it 7 784

13/02/2015 20:24

Today, my thundercunt of a neighbor, who's hated me since I moved in, called the cops on me. He told them he saw me shooting up on drugs. I'm diabetic and was injecting insulin, which he could only have seen by spying on me through my living room window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 877

You deserved it 2 211

25/05/2019 12:08

Today, someone overheard my ex talking about ditching me with a year-long lease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 648

You deserved it 126

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

RavensRule97 0

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 23:00

if he used it as a cock ring and you thought it was a bracelet either you have a small ass arm or hes hung like a horse

UTTU 0

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 22:58

Now you just need to figure out what exactly you liked the taste of...

Bobby64 29

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 22:57

I guess getting candy on Valentine's Day isn't always a good thing. :/

Bobby64 29

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 23:00

Crap, I didn't read the FML carefully enough. >_> Sorry about that. Oh well, that's nasty no matter what day it occurred on.

xBangOut 4

Send a private message

Tuesday 15 February 2011 20:55

Well I guess your sister is very fine with sharing :) 3sum anyone?

UTTU 0

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 22:58

Now you just need to figure out what exactly you liked the taste of...

gabrielleangeliq 0

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 23:07

This.

meowmeowwkitty 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 15 February 2011 6:22

Salty?

deafeningsilence 8

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 22:59

.....what the..

RavensRule97 0

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 23:00

if he used it as a cock ring and you thought it was a bracelet either you have a small ass arm or hes hung like a horse

shayshaw 0

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 23:50

*strechy

mitchem 3

Send a private message

Tuesday 15 February 2011 2:39

*stretchy

mitchem 3

Send a private message

Tuesday 15 February 2011 2:42

*stretchy

folfg7 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 15 February 2011 2:50

Kids under 14 have small enough arms. and have had sex Ed. put it together people... child molestation black mail for the fucking ^win.

Privations_fml 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 15 February 2011 8:05

No, used it on a horse

DoubleEdgedBlade 4

Send a private message

Tuesday 15 February 2011 8:38

63 - It was used on me. :D

lolitaababy 0

Send a private message

Tuesday 15 February 2011 11:22

ahahahahahahahahahaha!!

DahkLohd 4

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 23:02

You like the taste of cock? What's your number?

Mama_Umbridge 8

Send a private message

Tuesday 15 February 2011 0:57

A DUR DUR DUR DUR

wolfshadow 4

Send a private message

Tuesday 15 February 2011 3:05

(you)-are-rapermort(.com)

LexxyLiime 0

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 23:01

quite_bored 9

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 23:03

...And it fit...?

WiseGuy79 14

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 23:09

Moral of the story kids: Don't accept slimy candy bracelets/cock rings from your sister haha

mrahhhhh 21

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 23:10

Her not liking the taste is what got you in this situation... twice!

ak7477 9

Send a private message

Monday 14 February 2011 23:14

well quite a happy VD for you...

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47

You deserved it 4

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 59

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 533

You deserved it 149

Add a comment - Reply to : #

Top comments

Comments