Intimacy: Today, I found out that the candy bracelet my sister gave me...

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 1

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52

You deserved it 90

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 219

You deserved it 43

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 335

You deserved it 25

14/02/2011 17:15

Today, I found out that the candy bracelet my sister gave me a few days ago was actually a candy cock ring she'd used on her boyfriend just a few hours prior. Apparently, she didn't like the taste. I however, did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 696

You deserved it 4 860

Intimacy

Best teeth in the game

You tried

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

08/11/2010 18:16

Today, I learned that everyone at college was calling me "Parallel Lines" because I've got an unibrow and an apparent hairiness over my mouth. By the way, I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 739

You deserved it 15 712

It's a doggy dog world

By Stephon - 04/08/2021 02:01

Today, my girl was giving me a BJ when my dog started howling. She keeps going; my dog keeps howling. She stops, my dog stops. We start getting it on again and my girl starts giving me a BJ again; my dog starts howling louder this time. So we stop. My dog stopped me from getting some. This is a first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 894

You deserved it 192

31/07/2010 04:39

Today, I found out that the day I moved out of my parents' house, they invited my whole family over and had a party to celebrate the fact that I was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 168

You deserved it 5 351

23/05/2011 07:25

Today, the guy I have loved for seven years asked me to move in with him. Turns out he only did so because he needed someone to pay the rent since he's quit his job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 980

You deserved it 4 920

Great solution

By sullry - 25/12/2019 05:00

Today, I had a talk with my roommate that last semester my grades took a bit because he stays up late every night playing video games. And then asked him about playing less, so I can get more sleep. Today also, he gave me a pair of ear plugs and asked if they would solve the problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 555

You deserved it 848

25/10/2012 20:13

Today, I was fired for actively seeking employment with another company. Because of having just been fired, the other company will no longer give me the time of day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 089

You deserved it 4 562

Cravings

By Anonymous - 22/05/2019 02:04

Today, it's been so long since my wife has been interested in me intimately, I became aroused when a woman touched my arm while talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 308

You deserved it 213

16/04/2012 01:13

Today, I was watching a boys volleyball team warming up, and I had my eye on one of them who was quite attractive. He sent the ball a little too far and it hit me in the face. He apologized, and I then for some reason replied with, "It's fine, I like balls in my face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 598

You deserved it 41 958

01/01/2010 19:14

Today, I had to go to the hospital. While I was there, my mom started hitting on a doctor. Later I saw them making out in the room next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 969

You deserved it 2 646

25/05/2010 23:06

Today, my girlfriend actually walked into a door and gave herself a black eye. She's too embarrassed to admit it, so she's telling everyone I beat her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 533

You deserved it 4 045

17/11/2013 19:11

Today, I found myself admiring my eyelids for being the only parts of my face not covered in acne. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 354

You deserved it 4 482

Alexa, play "Living Doll" by Cliff Richard

By Anonymous - 28/05/2020 05:00

Today, my boyfriend dumped me out of nowhere, supposedly because I act like he's nothing but a sex doll. We've been dating 6 weeks and have had sex twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 623

You deserved it 173

25/03/2009 00:11

Today, I was sitting at home when I remembered that I desperately needed gas for my car. On my way there, I prayed that my car would make it the whole way, and was thankful when I pulled up to the pump, because I knew my car wouldn't go any further. Then I realized I left my wallet at my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 820

You deserved it 26 403

31/10/2009 20:15

Today, after telling my best friend an idiot could make Kraft Dinner, I spilled boiling water all over my hands and forearms while attempting to strain the noodles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 192

You deserved it 36 167

30/05/2018 15:00

Today, my wife informed me that she wants a boyfriend but doesn't want a divorce. Also, apparently I'm horrible for not "respecting her feelings" when I told her she can't have both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 555

You deserved it 279

08/06/2012 23:13

Today, when I was laying in my bed, I looked on the opposite side and saw a spider the size of my palm staring at me. And if that wasn't bad, I found out it hops. I still can't find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 282

You deserved it 2 066

Fashionista

By Anonymous - 14/05/2012 00:25

Today, it's my birthday. All I wanted was birthday sex, but all my boyfriend could talk about was how great the new purse he got me was. I think he might like it more than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 429

You deserved it 5 680

30/09/2013 23:54

Today, I walked into the kitchen to find my daughter trying to cut her wrist with a plastic spoon. When I asked her why, she said her friend Lucy did that so her parents would buy her pretty things. My daughter and Lucy are both four years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 067

You deserved it 3 741

19/06/2017 06:00

Today, I asked a woman to take a picture of me and my girlfriend kissing on the beach. When I looked up, the woman and my phone were gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 090

You deserved it 2 927

31/01/2013 20:27

Today, my pants ripped while I was at work. I had to keep my balls to the wall while I dodged customers and edged ever closer to the break room. Before I could call my wife and ask her to bring a new pair, my boss burst in, got pissed, and made me go back out and deal with irate customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 052

You deserved it 2 471

01/01/2010 06:07

Today, I realized the odd smell I've been trying to get out of the house is coming from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 198

You deserved it 33 137

08/12/2009 08:19

Today, in aerobics, while stretching, my friend leaned over to pull the long hair off my pants. It was my pubic hair sticking through my pants, and I screamed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 614

You deserved it 47 037

27/01/2009 16:47

Today, I hid my credit card from myself so I wouldn't use it. Now I can't find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 277

You deserved it 49 171

02/10/2015 05:49

Today, the only reason I took a shower was because I could smell my dick sweat while still wearing underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 487

You deserved it 29 892

01/03/2010 06:43

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a ride in a paddle-boat. He decided it would be fun to paddle near the fountain. The fountain decided it would be fun to shower me, him and all of our things in filthy, stinking duck water. I had to ride the bus home by myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 774

You deserved it 4 100

12/02/2017 08:00

Today, my husband caught me scratching my armpit with his beard brush. Just last week I swore that I never touch it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 429

You deserved it 12 125

10/01/2017 14:30

Today, I was in the kitchen with my mother putting up the dishes. I went to stand up from putting a pot in a lower cabinet and hit my head on the upper cabinet she left open by accident. Hello concussion number nine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 697

You deserved it 940

Let's do this again!

By wow - 27/11/2019 05:00

Today, for the first time in months, my best friend agreed to hang out with me. After waiting, three hours for him to show up, I called to see what was taking him so long. He told me he couldn't come because he needed to get a haircut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 891

You deserved it 187

12/10/2009 04:16

Today, a customer at work became violent and started hitting me and my coworker. Not wanting him to get the shit beat out of us, I used a move that pinned the guy on the ground. The police came and he was arrested. I was then fired for assaulting a customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 337

You deserved it 2 549

16/04/2009 21:36

Today, I was petsitting for my neighbor's new puppy. A huge thunderstorm came, and the puppy started whining and shivering violently. I pulled it into my lap to try and comfort it. One loud clap of thunder later, and the puppy had explosive diarrhea all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 92 695

You deserved it 9 044

13/10/2012 22:25

Today, for the second week in a row, my brother woke me up in the small hours of the morning begging me to help him figure out the math problem to turn off his phone's stupid-ass app alarm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 416

You deserved it 1 947

23/09/2009 02:31

Today, I was in a college band rehearsal, and I get a call saying "your car was just hit by a tree!" I said "yeah, right", and hung up on her. Minutes later, the band manager walks in and tells me that my car is totaled. I then went and stood in the rain watching a tree get cut off my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 464

You deserved it 6 652

02/06/2011 14:10

Today, my dad came to visit me. By visit I mean he arrived, took a huge smelly dump and left. This is the first time I've seen my dad in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 925

You deserved it 3 052

18/03/2009 21:47

Today, I received a letter in the mail from my Grandma about how much she adores and loves me. Then it went into detail about how much prettier, smarter, and successful I am than my sister, Leah. I am Leah. She mixed up the letters to the wrong envelopes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 431

You deserved it 3 518

28/11/2011 12:34

Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting a historical war bunker when I accidentally let rip a small fart. My boyfriend responded with a horribly loud, horrendous fart, and loudly announced, "This is war." There were people, lots of people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 157

You deserved it 9 395

11/08/2014 05:11

Today, as I awoke, the sun was shining, the birds were tweeting, and police sirens were wailing at a drug bust next door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 121

You deserved it 3 700

26/10/2009 04:24

Today, my long-distance girlfriend asked me if she could see someone else on the side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 103

You deserved it 6 813

21/10/2009 21:03

Today, I told my brother to piss off. He decided to do exactly that, from the balcony onto my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 026

You deserved it 33 356

23/10/2011 02:06

Today, I came home from work to my 3 year old daughter sniffing the rug in the living room. When I asked her what she was doing she said "Daddy smell this." So I went, got on my knees and bent down to smell it and she pushed my face in the dog crap smeared in the rug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 566

You deserved it 7 489

18/10/2013 22:12

Today, my surgeon was talking to me about my upcoming heart bypass operation. I was extremely nervous from the start, but he somehow managed to keep saying things like "death", "fatalities", "high-risk", and "never wake up" throughout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 971

You deserved it 3 487

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Top comments

RavensRule97 0

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Monday 14 February 2011 23:00

if he used it as a cock ring and you thought it was a bracelet either you have a small ass arm or hes hung like a horse

UTTU 0

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Monday 14 February 2011 22:58

Now you just need to figure out what exactly you liked the taste of...

Comments

Bobby64 29

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Monday 14 February 2011 22:57

I guess getting candy on Valentine's Day isn't always a good thing. :/

Bobby64 29

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Monday 14 February 2011 23:00

Crap, I didn't read the FML carefully enough. >_> Sorry about that. Oh well, that's nasty no matter what day it occurred on.

xBangOut 4

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Tuesday 15 February 2011 20:55

Well I guess your sister is very fine with sharing :) 3sum anyone?

UTTU 0

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Monday 14 February 2011 22:58

Now you just need to figure out what exactly you liked the taste of...

gabrielleangeliq 0

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Monday 14 February 2011 23:07

This.

meowmeowwkitty 0

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Tuesday 15 February 2011 6:22

Salty?

deafeningsilence 8

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Monday 14 February 2011 22:59

.....what the..

RavensRule97 0

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Monday 14 February 2011 23:00

if he used it as a cock ring and you thought it was a bracelet either you have a small ass arm or hes hung like a horse

shayshaw 0

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Monday 14 February 2011 23:50

*strechy

mitchem 3

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Tuesday 15 February 2011 2:39

*stretchy

mitchem 3

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Tuesday 15 February 2011 2:42

*stretchy

folfg7 0

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Tuesday 15 February 2011 2:50

Kids under 14 have small enough arms. and have had sex Ed. put it together people... child molestation black mail for the fucking ^win.

Privations_fml 0

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Tuesday 15 February 2011 8:05

No, used it on a horse

DoubleEdgedBlade 4

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Tuesday 15 February 2011 8:38

63 - It was used on me. :D

lolitaababy 0

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Tuesday 15 February 2011 11:22

ahahahahahahahahahaha!!

DahkLohd 4

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Monday 14 February 2011 23:02

You like the taste of cock? What's your number?

Mama_Umbridge 8

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Tuesday 15 February 2011 0:57

A DUR DUR DUR DUR

wolfshadow 4

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Tuesday 15 February 2011 3:05

(you)-are-rapermort(.com)

LexxyLiime 0

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Monday 14 February 2011 23:01

quite_bored 9

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Monday 14 February 2011 23:03

...And it fit...?

WiseGuy79 14

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Monday 14 February 2011 23:09

Moral of the story kids: Don't accept slimy candy bracelets/cock rings from your sister haha

mrahhhhh 21

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Monday 14 February 2011 23:10

Her not liking the taste is what got you in this situation... twice!

ak7477 9

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Monday 14 February 2011 23:14

well quite a happy VD for you...