Intimacy: Today, I found out that the candy bracelet my sister gave me...

By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, I found out that the candy bracelet my sister gave me a few days ago was actually a candy cock ring she'd used on her boyfriend just a few hours prior. Apparently, she didn't like the taste. I however, did. FML

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Intimacy

Coherence dude, do you have it?

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I cleaned my toilet. I had forgotten it was white. FML

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By katsaysner - United States - Unity

Today, I got the best grade in class on my economics midterm. Rather than tell me I did a good job, my professor criticized me in front of everyone about how I was working "too hard". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house, whom I have been with for 4 years. I've been in Australia for the last 2 months and before I left, he bought a box of 12 condoms, saying we would use them when I got back. We went to the bedroom and I opened the box. There was one left. FML

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By emeraldapostle

Today, both a coworker of mine and my boss agreed that I fit the profile of a serial killer. I don't know what's worse, the fact that they think that low of me, or the fact that this isn't the first time someone's said I remind them of a serial killer. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Westminster

Today, my sister still refuses to pay back all the money she owes me because she once bought me something from the dollar menu at McDonald's. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago Ridge

Today, a girl from my college, who's been following me around for months, finally asked me out. Not being interested, I politely declined. Now she's convinced everyone that we hooked up and that I have an incredibly small penis. FML

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By nutfreak - United States - Lutherville Timonium

Today, I was diagnosed with severe nut allergies. My dad decided to buy jars of Nutella, write "You know you want this" on them, and stick them around the house. FML

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By warningxxLidell - United States

Today, I was driving on roads that were bad from two days of snow. I spun my car out, and ended up half-way in a ditch. Thinking that I could push my car out of the snow, I got out of my car, landing in waist deep snow. When trying to get back in, I fell neck deep into snow. FML

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By shield1123 - United States

Today, I realized that my bike was stolen. It was no big deal, my name and number was on it, but it was a crappy bike anyway. I live 3 miles away, and while I was on my walk home I noticed a bike had been thrown through my principal's window. Who's bike was it? Mine. FML

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By linzl00 - United States - Springfield

Today, the "man cold" has infected my brother. He honestly thinks he's dying. He only has the sniffles. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2020 02:00

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Today, I was told by Amazon that a belt I had ordered was arriving. I grabbed an Amazon package out of the mailbox without even checking who the package was addressed to. I now have an awkward apology ahead of me for opening my stepbrother's box of condoms. FML

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By Solemnwishing - United States

Today, while riding on the car with my family, I put on my headphones and pretended to be listening to music and when my parents talked to me, I pretended I couldn't hear them. They took this opportunity to discuss how fat I was and how I can't hold down a boyfriend. They were laughing as well. FML

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By Skidaddle123 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad thought it would be funny to switch my glass of coke with a glass of pure vinegar. FML

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By babbling idiot - Canada

Today, I approached a hot female security guard and attempted to compliment her new tattoos. Instead of saying, "Nice tats", I ended up saying, "Nice tits". My HR meeting is tomorrow morning. FML

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By innocent - United States

Today, my father seems to be having an affair. A used condom was carelessly left on his nightstand and my mother found it. She refuses to believe that my boyfriend and I are not responsible. As punishment I am "no longer allowed to see him." We're both 22 and live together in our own apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2020 16:01 - United States - Saint Paul

Dash and dine

Today, I was on a dinner date. Went really well. She said she was excited to have date number two. It came to paying. I went up to pay. Turned around. She had gone. Number blocked. FML

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By pabj208 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me during what was supposed to be a romantic getaway at a remote log cabin. FML

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By Kulcha - Australia

Today, I was expelled from school. By my own mother. FML

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By ashleyyyy - United States

Today, I was pulled over for going the wrong way on a closed highway. The construction signs pointed me in that direction, and the cop agreed that they should be fixed. Did it stop him from giving me a ticket anyway? Nope. FML

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By krisx3ftw - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me on a surprise date, destination unknown. I dressed up, he had a tux on. We went to McDonalds. FML

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By fml...really - United States

Today, we took the kids to the local pond near my sister-in-law's to feed the geese. I hadn't been there before, and thought I'd take a picture. I turned around to adjust my camera, but the geese, realizing the feast had ended, took flight. Before I could react I was showered with goose shit. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I got mugged in broad daylight, in a park, by a teenage girl. To top it off, I'm a grown man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my spineless shitwhip of a boss made me go fire a notoriously abusive employee. I had to act like firing him was my decision, even though I'm the secretary. Now I get to live in constant fear that the guy was serious when he threatened to find out where I live and kill me. FML

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By pplsuck - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I went to eat out. When I sat down, I realized I forgot my straw. I took my purse with me, not wanting it to get stolen. Someone stole my food instead. FML

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By allykat - Canada - Brampton

Today, I bought my cat a fun toy at the one of a kind craft show. It has catnip in it, which he loves. He flipped out, so I took it away. He won't stop trying to break into the cupboard I put it in. My cat has a drug problem. FML

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By Absent - France

Today, my friends let me win at strip poker so I wouldn't take off my clothes. FML

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By gonebabygone - United States

Today, I discovered that my parents rooted through our house looking for junk to sell at a garage sale. They sold all of my books from my bookshelf. When I freaked, out my mom said 'well you never read them'. There was about $300 hidden between the pages of those books. They made $60. FML

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By H1dd3n - United States - La Quinta

Today, I found out that my parents were artists when they met. My mom said that I was one of their best projects yet. My sister, hearing what my mother said, broke my week-old PS3 in a rage. FML

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By Randy Candy - 12/2/2021 17:01 - United States

Poor pillow

Today, I was having a fantastic sex dream. So good, in fact, that I woke myself up breathing heavily and humping my pillow. I was at my friend's house and she saw everything. FML

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By Shotacon - United States - Woodbury

Today, while using the leg press at the gym, some guy thought he could use more weight than me since I look really young. He hurt himself. He then blamed me and tried to get me kicked out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the ice cream shop after dinner. I am deathly allergic to nuts so I picked the vanilla. I take one bite and feel something crunchy, and see what I thought was an almond in the cup. I spit out the icecream in a panic. Good news? It wasn't an almond. Bad news? It was a cockroach. FML

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By creys - United States

Today, I went to Target with my dad, and he told me to get in the shopping cart. I thought he was being cool and wanted to push me around. He snorted and said he was thinking about crashing me into a car and suing the driver. FML

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By I'm just sick, really - United States - Springfield

Today, I felt sick to my stomach, so I told my mother I didn't want to eat dinner. She started accusing me of being anorexic, so I ate a little bit anyway to make her stop. I then threw up, only for her to take it as confirmation that I have an eating disorder. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband got jealous of my new vibrator. I got the vibrator to "spice things up" between us, because he hasn't touched me in months. FML

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By Hlaalette - Belgium

Today, I managed to throw my back out by blowing my nose. FML

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By ItalianBabyDoll - 11/4/2020 14:00

Alexa, play "That's Not My Name" by The Ting Tings

Today, during my boyfriends birthday dinner, his father shouted, “Jessica, can you slice me a piece too?” My name isn’t Jessica and I’ve been in their family for over two years. FML

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By urbantrashcan - United States

Today, my dentist and his hygienist were flirting while they worked on my mouth. I didn't really mind, however I definitely minded when the hygienist pierced my gum with her tool because she was laughing at one of his jokes. FML

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By ohnolunch - United States

Today, I came back to my apartment to see that my roommate had left out bread, deli meat, and cheese on the counter, and made myself a sandwich. When she came back, she informs me that she found bugs in the fridge and took out all the food she thought would be contaminated. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Sherborne

Today, my 11-year-old son and I took an IQ test for a laugh. To be honest, I've often suspected that I may have some form of mental retardation, but I didn't expect to get a score of 79, while he got one of 114. FML

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By Calimero0

Today, I felt so unwell that I didn't fall asleep until 4 AM. The baby woke up at 5, ready to start the day. FML

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Top comments

By RavensRule97 | 0

#2083466 - Monday 14 February 2011 23:00

if he used it as a cock ring and you thought it was a bracelet either you have a small ass arm or hes hung like a horse

By UTTU | 0

#2083451 - Monday 14 February 2011 22:58

Now you just need to figure out what exactly you liked the taste of...

COMMENTS

By Bobby64 | 29

#2083447 - Monday 14 February 2011 22:57

I guess getting candy on Valentine's Day isn't always a good thing. :/

Bobby64 | 29

#2083479 - Monday 14 February 2011 23:00

Crap, I didn't read the FML carefully enough. >_> Sorry about that.

Oh well, that's nasty no matter what day it occurred on.

xBangOut | 4

#2086444 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 20:55

Well I guess your sister is very fine with sharing :) 3sum anyone?

By UTTU | 0

#2083451 - Monday 14 February 2011 22:58

Now you just need to figure out what exactly you liked the taste of...

gabrielleangeliq | 0

#2083497 - Monday 14 February 2011 23:07

This.

meowmeowwkitty | 0

#2084672 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 6:22

Salty?

By deafeningsilence | 8

#2083458 - Monday 14 February 2011 22:59

.....what the..

By RavensRule97 | 0

#2083466 - Monday 14 February 2011 23:00

if he used it as a cock ring and you thought it was a bracelet either you have a small ass arm or hes hung like a horse

shayshaw | 0

#2083600 - Monday 14 February 2011 23:50

*strechy

mitchem | 3

#2084099 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 2:39

*stretchy

mitchem | 3

#2084108 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 2:42

*stretchy

folfg7 | 0

#2084133 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 2:50

Kids under 14 have small enough arms. and have had sex Ed. put it together people... child molestation black mail for the fucking ^win.

Privations_fml | 0

#2084892 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 8:05

No, used it on a horse

DoubleEdgedBlade | 4

#2084948 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 8:38

63 - It was used on me. :D

lolitaababy | 0

#2085217 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 11:22

ahahahahahahahahahaha!!

By DahkLohd | 4

#2083472 - Monday 14 February 2011 23:02

You like the taste of cock? What's your number?

Mama_Umbridge | 8

#2083753 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 0:57

A DUR DUR DUR DUR

wolfshadow | 4

#2084169 - Tuesday 15 February 2011 3:05

(you)-are-rapermort(.com)

By LexxyLiime | 0

#2083485 - Monday 14 February 2011 23:01

By quite_bored | 9

#2083500 - Monday 14 February 2011 23:03

...And it fit...?

By WiseGuy79 | 14

#2083503 - Monday 14 February 2011 23:09

Moral of the story kids: Don't accept slimy candy bracelets/cock rings from your sister haha

By mrahhhhh | 19

#2083506 - Monday 14 February 2011 23:10

Her not liking the taste is what got you in this situation... twice!

By ak7477 | 9

#2083511 - Monday 14 February 2011 23:14

well quite a happy VD for you...