Today, I was working the register at a local grocery store. A...

By jessica - 17/2/2009 23:56 - United States

Today, I was working the register at a local grocery store. A kid about 5 years old was having trouble zipping his jacket. I reached out to help him and he started screaming "No bad touch bad touch!" and kicked me in the knee. Everyone looked. FML

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Work

Social distancing gone wrong

Boom, headshot

Not gonna happen

By zerom - 23/7/2011 00:52 - France

Today, I was discussing the traffic with my brother. He said the most common car colour is red. I said it was black. We ended up betting €100 on which three vehicles of either colour would pass by our house first. It seems a convoy of fire trucks had somewhere to be in a hurry. FML

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By BrokeAF - 20/7/2017 05:01

Today, I had to empty out my coin jar to pay for gas. Trying to be considerate, I only brought quarters, but the cashier refused to take it because they didn't want to count out my $10. I don't know how I'll get to work today. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2013 16:16 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my online order arrived earlier than I expected. I opened it to find some kind of anal sex toy. Whoever this is for is going to be disappointed when they get my 3DS game. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I taught my younger cousins a more effective way to brush their teeth. Tonight when I was getting them ready for bed I asked them why they weren't brushing their teeth like I taught them to. The littlest one replied "Daddy said if we do then we'll have ugly teeth like yours." FML

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By footbloodfountain - 15/1/2012 10:53 - Canada

Today, I realized why buying clear pins for the wall is a bad idea. If one falls out, you won't be able to see it with your eyes, but your foot will find it just fine. I also learnt foot wounds can produce a pretty significant geyser of blood. FML

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By totallyscrewedomg - 25/1/2011 17:11 - United States

Today, my parents, not trusting me and my boyfriend, told us to call them in the middle of our movie so they could hear it, and prove we weren't up to no good. Well, I called. Just as a raging sex scene started. FML

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By derve - 7/11/2012 23:48 - United States

Today, as my girlfriend and I were finishing up a romantic dinner, she gazed into my eyes for a moment and said, "You know, sometimes you look like a character from Sesame Street." FML

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By JadeDemolition - 24/8/2015 01:40 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had my driver's permit in an envelope to keep it safe and a letter to mail out. I drove away from the post office with the letter in my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2020 23:02

Hormonal hell

Today, someone drank a sip of my single serve pasteurized orange juice and put it back in the fridge, ignoring the whole jug of non-pasteurized juice, that I cant drink because im pregnant. I cried. FML

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By Jenny - 8/5/2020 05:00

Stalker or coincidence?

Today, I went grocery shopping at the store near my house. Upon checking out, I look up to see that my cashier is none other than the woman I went on a date with a few months ago, and whose calls and texts I ignored after she began to obsess over me. FML

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By TheLastGreatDope - 20/2/2018 23:00 - United States - Winchester

Today, I received a random message on a dating app. It was the girl I'd always wanted to marry, but who disappeared from my life when we were younger. She went on and on about how much she missed me... and how much she wanted me to meet her husband and 3 kids. FML

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By Wow. - 18/12/2013 18:23 - United States

Today, my girlfriend refused to take a picture with me to prove to my friends that I do indeed have a girlfriend. I got so desperate that I photoshopped myself into one of her Facebook photos instead. FML

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By ohgodwhy - 10/5/2019 12:00

Today, me, my boyfriend and his family stayed at an AirBnB while on a trip. While I was doing my makeup, my boyfriend told me he was going to take a shower. A few minutes later, I went in the bathroom to shave my legs thinking my boyfriend was in there, but his dad was in the shower, scrubbing his ass. FML

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By Joe - 4/8/2011 18:28 - United States

Today, I asked a guy if he could buy me a pack of cigarettes, since I'm still under 18. He took my money, went into the supermarket, and must have slipped out a side-entrance, because he never came back. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2018 14:00

Today, I splurged thousands of dollars on the breed of dog that I've loved since I was a kid from a reputable breeder. He is allergic to all food except the 24lb food for $70 and has sensitivities galore, including a seizure from a shot. I've spent $5,000 in vet bills in the first week. FML

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By Anon - 19/12/2009 16:07 - United States

Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop and I noticed that there was a bug on the guys face in front of me. Trying to be nice I lightly smacked it off. His reaction was to punch me in the face. Repeatedly. FML

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By angie24w - 7/8/2018 23:30

Today, I had no choice but to use a porta potty. I was happy to get a clean one. I wasn't happy when a young child tried opening the door and used enough force to break the lock, showing me sitting on the toilet to the world. FML

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By wmhh26 - 14/7/2019 00:30

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I've been "spending too much time at the bar." I've been sober for 2 years. FML

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By rindawg - 20/1/2009 03:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me out to a nice seafood dinner where we had some great crab legs. Later tonight we drove down to the beach and started messing around. He started touching me... with his hands still covered in salty crab juice. FML

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By what the fuck - 7/6/2013 21:20 - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get intimate for the first time. He said he didn't want to use a condom, and that I should just give him one of my birth control pills instead, "so we can still be just as safe". What the hell? FML

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By nikkrissa_04 - 7/8/2009 11:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around in his car. I then decided I was going to give him a blowjob for the first time. As I was going down, he grabbed my chin and said "Don't do that, your mouth isn't clean enough." FML

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By Sam - 20/8/2010 05:34 - United States

Today, after twisting my knee playing soccer with my friends, I had to take myself to the hospital. Apparently finishing the game was more important to them. FML

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By JTo - 3/3/2012 22:07 - United States

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend because I found an email he had written to an ex-fling telling her he was single and wanted to meet up. He wrote that email from my computer, in my apartment, on Valentine's Day. FML

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By anonymous - 21/3/2011 19:01 - United States

Today, I tried to clock in at work, only to have the clock tell me I "wasn't scheduled", so I asked my boss what was going on. Turns out I was fired, and this was her way of avoiding conflict. FML

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By Average - 13/2/2011 07:16 - United States

Today, I was chosen as King for our winter formal. Even after I won, nobody wanted to dance with me. FML

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By Yo Mr. White! ... BETCH! - 23/10/2012 22:47 - United States - Imperial Beach

Today, I realized I'm so desperate for money that I started to watch Breaking Bad to learn how to make meth. I stopped, not because I decided it was a bad idea, but because it looks too hard. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2010 23:19 - Brazil

Today, I was home alone and it started to rain. It hadn't rained in days so I went out on my balcony and ran around. I felt great until I realized that my door had been swung shut because of the wind, and it had no handle. I had to wait outside in the rain for two hours. FML

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By sierra.sl31 - 28/7/2019 22:00

Today, my boyfriend of over a year decided he wants us to wait to get married before having sex again, after we've had sex almost every night of being together. FML

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By accidentalslut - 7/8/2009 17:09 - United States

Today, I met a hot guy at a club and we really hit it off. We went back to his place and we got down to business. After, I noticed he had an iPod Touch on his nightstand. I complimented him on it and he responded with, "Yeah, my girlfriend gave it to me as an anniversary present." FML

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By cumhole - 10/10/2012 02:32 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after great sex with my boyfriend, I lay in my bed while he went to get a drink from downstairs. Hearing someone come up, I shouted out as a joke, "Damn babe, I'm covered in cum, was there a hole you didn't fill?" It wasn't my boyfriend, it was my dad. FML

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By disturbed - 17/3/2010 01:34 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street when I heard a loud splashing noise to my right. I looked over only to see a woman not squatting but bending over, spreading her cheeks, peeing a horse-sized amount of pee. I can't un-see this. FML

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By a816090 - 15/5/2019 04:30

#MentalHealthAwarenessWeek

Today, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I have no idea if when I feel an emotion if it's me or my disorder. I'm my brain's bitch. FML

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By Photos - 20/2/2009 22:46 - United States

Today, after I got home from school I went to my room to find the maid had cleaned it, also to find a bag labeled "trash" it was all the sketches and paintings I had done in art class, which is my major plan for college. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2010 03:05 - United States

Today, I got my lip pierced. By the orthodontist. FML

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By Sady_Ct - 15/5/2019 12:12

Be careful what you wish for…

Today, I caught my husband trying on the sexy bra I bought to wear just for him. For shits and giggles, I made him try on my dress too. He looked better in it than I do. FML

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By emilyupsidedown - 16/1/2010 05:08 - United States

Today, I got a popcorn kernel stuck in my throat. It was quite irritating so thought I could get it out with my finger. Good thing, the kernel is gone. Bad thing, I now have the rest of my lunch on my shirt as well. FML

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By fatblooddonor - 26/2/2019 04:00

Today, I donated blood at a blood drive. As is the usual for blood drives, I was offered a shirt after donating. The worker handing out the shirts asked me for my size. I said that I was a medium. He looked me over, then asked, "Are you sure?" FML

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By moon_paw - 28/11/2009 16:17 - United States

Today, I realized that I am dating a 25 year old man-child. He turns 13 whenever he sees my boobs, complete with big eyes and saying "honk honk" whenever he touches them. FML

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By UnhappilyUnemployed - 16/6/2014 22:49 - United States - Madison

Today, I had a job interview. It went really well until I couldn't figure out how to open the slide door to get out of the room. FML

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By Baldy - 3/4/2011 09:16 - New Zealand

Today, my wife told me that she was leaving me for someone with more hair. FML

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Top comments

By Hannah_fml | 0

#3201 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 4:44

Kids seem to like me, maybe because I am shorter than most adults. But I ALWAYS ask them if they need help first.

Once I was skiing and there was this small 5 yr old kid and he was 'stuck' on a flat part without poles, so I asked him if he would like help, and he said yes, so I pulled him along (he grabbed onto my pole) the flat section.

People often go up to dogs and just pet them, dogs attack, and the dog gets euthanized...

By Mr_Serious | 6

#3196 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 4:03

people need to teach their kids what the hell that stuff actually means... i probably would've shit-stomped that little prick...

COMMENTS

By greenman_fml | 0

#3183 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 3:24

it would have been glorious if you started singing "You and me baby ain't nothin but mammals so let's do it like they do on the Discovery channel"

justmaddi | 3

#966149 - Monday 22 March 2010 4:15

haha bloodhoung gang = epic

MikeyyyyLover | 0

#1368367 - Wednesday 8 September 2010 6:55

omg I was thinking the same thing

By Mr_Serious | 6

#3196 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 4:03

people need to teach their kids what the hell that stuff actually means... i probably would've shit-stomped that little prick...

KB503 | 15

#6114099 - Sunday 9 November 2014 7:23

Or she could've asked for his permission.

By NorfolkDude | 2

#3199 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 4:18

That kid is well trained. I'm surprised he didn't kicked you in the face. You should be glad he did that. I think you deserved this one though, sorry to say. Next time ask. You just don't "zip" someone unless you'd be wanting a smacking.

PurpleLightsaber | 4

#5003958 - Thursday 4 October 2012 14:43

*kick

jorgeq161 | 4

#5923274 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 3:55

That's just stupid.

By Hannah_fml | 0

#3201 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 4:44

Purplexus | 14

#5814400 - Thursday 2 January 2014 23:08

Aw this is actually the funniest thing I've seen all day the comment is so serious and then you're just like 'hehe' i like you

By Seegtease | 0

#3256 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 8:01

#2, the kid is not a brat, just trained.

OP, considerate of you to help, sucks. Hope the spectators put 2 and 2 together and figured out what you were really trying to do. Good thing you're a girl, too.

By zachattack | 0

#3301 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 10:48

Thank goodness you're not in freakin' jail.

By zidane312 | 0

#3325 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 12:30

lol, i woulda kicked the shit outta that kid if he said that to me. But only if nobody was looking lol

By elguapo_fml | 0

#3361 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 14:32

seriously, don't be touching little kids that don't belong to you. it's that simple... you deserve to look like a pedophile if you behave like one

By arms_akimbo | 0

#3390 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 15:41

It's nice you wanna help people but don't touch kids. Seriously. In this day and age, don't even bother. Everyone's a paranoid freak.

By Expat47 | 0

#3392 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 15:42

Ah, see, Big Brother's Paranoia Lessons are starting to take hold. Don't believe me? When's the last time you heard some "good news" from the big stations?