Miscellaneous: Today, I was so lonely that I pretended I wanted to buy something... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 460

You deserved it 122

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 189

You deserved it 1 610

14/03/2011 18:31

Today, I was so lonely that I pretended I wanted to buy something from a telemarketer so that they would keep talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 958

You deserved it 9 763

There's no helping some people

Batman

Leave us alone

11/01/2013 00:51

Today, I found out that my son told my daughter at some point that "real" name for Hershey's Kisses is "blowjobs." I found this out because at kindergarten she was asked what her favorite food was. The teacher wasn't happy when she called me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 677

You deserved it 3 084

25/08/2009 17:09

Today, I was walking out of a bar when someone grabbed me by the throat, and slammed me against a wall, saying "Stop fooling around with my wife, because next time - I'll kill you." I'm gay and haven't been with a woman since 1985. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 363

You deserved it 7 039

Confused

By Anonymous - 22/01/2021 14:31

Spicy

Today, I drunkenly hooked up with a meth dealer I just met online. Of course this occurred at his place, since he's on home detention for drug trafficking - ankle bracelet and all. Worst part? I really liked it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 256

You deserved it 1 856

Bureaucracy

By CaptainStars - 29/06/2020 20:01

Today, I ran out of my antidepressants, and I cannot get more because my local hospital is closed, and I can't register online because the only way it will let me sign up is over the phone, due to me living in a rural area. I'm mute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 721

You deserved it 110

23/11/2011 01:53

Today, after changing his mind 3 times, my long distance fiancé told me he wasn't coming to see me for Thanksgiving. Out of anger, I threw his clothes, car magazines, and whatever else I could find in a huge, messy pile. During this, he walked into the room. He was going to surprise me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 690

You deserved it 48 130

07/06/2011 06:48

Today, I found out that if your boss deletes you off Facebook, it's probably not a good sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 809

You deserved it 4 387

22/01/2017 10:00

Today, I got chewed out by my boss for not doing my job. Turns out what's described in my job description, contract, and job title isn't my job. My real job is outlined in the footnote of my contract. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 685

You deserved it 572

28/06/2019 02:49

Today, my mom called me again to whine about what she heard about Trump on the news. I don't like him either and often agree with her, but she does this every 20 minutes so she can update with me. She's done this since he took office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 727

You deserved it 414

Look where you're going

By flicmybicgrl - 23/09/2020 08:01

Today, I was heading to class with all of my books and papers in my arms. To prevent tripping and falling down the stairs, I decided to take the elevator. On my way there, I slipped and fell because my books were blocking the wet floor sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 971

You deserved it 315

15/10/2009 11:29

Today, I found out that, because I'm a student, the employees I train make more than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 091

You deserved it 2 362

22/06/2009 16:18

Today, I had a job interview with a person named Chris. The entire time I couldn't figure out if Chris was a man or woman. The interview went as good as it could have went. At the end I said, "Thank you very much sir." Wrong gender. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 356

You deserved it 18 922

15/06/2017 16:00

Today, my boss selected me to be the company representative at an important meeting in Portland with one of our biggest clients. I was thrilled, until I realized he hadn't said anything about my plane ticket or hotel reservation. He later told me that I'll need to acquire those things myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 883

You deserved it 237

02/02/2011 23:57

Today, I went to shovel the massive amount of snow that was on our car. After spending time in the cold wind, I finally finished, realizing it wasn't my car. It was an identical car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 601

You deserved it 6 285

03/01/2014 02:52

Today, when I am asked to do something and I don't do it immediately, my mother threatens to "twerk" in front of my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 711

You deserved it 9 170

24/08/2019 18:00

Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a really stubborn pimple. By the time I felt the cartilage rip, it was too late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 206

You deserved it 1 055

Worst father ever

By Dick. - 13/05/2021 22:01

Spicy

Today, my father was watching the story on the TV news of a girl who was killed by an Uber driver when trying to return home. The only thing he said was, "Serves her well for being a slut." I have two younger sisters and one among them had a miscarriage after her abusive ex-boyfriend raped her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 392

You deserved it 92

07/02/2013 15:24

Today, I was at an estate sale of my neighbor who recently passed. I recognized many items for sale that I had ordered or won on eBay from the past 8 years. Turns out the little old lady had been stealing my mail for close to a decade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 378

You deserved it 3 869

24/07/2009 19:05

Today, I was at work when my mother called. She gave me great news that she had finally cleaned out my room and all those "old and useless" books that I had in there. Those "useless" books that she had just trashed were all antiques and worth about $500 each. There were 27 books in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 593

You deserved it 5 185

21/05/2019 20:02

Today, I went to a seminar about non-prejudice and acceptance. I spent the whole time being made fun of because of my pink shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 973

You deserved it 211

21/10/2009 02:15

Today, I decided to take a personal day from class and e-mailed all of my profs saying I had flu symptoms. While standing in line at Starbucks later, someone behind me says "Glad you're feeling better. Hope you can attend class tomorrow, we'll discuss lying." It was my Ethics professor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 837

You deserved it 59 410

18/11/2008 21:13

Today, I was having a smoke out on the balcony of my apartment. When I was walking back into the house, I walked straight into the large glass sliding door, loudly whacking it with my forehead, subsequently waking up my 2 other flatmates at 2.30am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 514

You deserved it 26 040

20/02/2012 14:23

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend would rather jerk off than have sex with me. Even if I'm next to him in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 087

You deserved it 6 518

20/08/2015 12:37

Today, I was talking to a colleague about love. He told me he's given up on love because things ended badly with a previous girl. I said, "Maybe it wasn't meant to be, and she wasn't the one." He then said the reason it didn't work out was because she killed herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 685

You deserved it 3 992

Masterchef

By Uh-SLEEP - 11/12/2020 03:01

Today, our stove broke. Now, we have to cook using a toaster oven. FML

I agree, your life sucks 533

You deserved it 59

08/10/2016 05:24

Today, my mother threatened my psychiatrist with legal action because he told her the organic and herbal "medicine" she swears by don't actually "cure" mental illness like she claims. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 339

You deserved it 683

11/03/2011 05:20

Today, I was waiting for the pan to heat up so I could make myself scrambled eggs. Just then, my mom runs up to me, cracks an egg open on my head, and runs away laughing. I only had one other egg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 465

You deserved it 4 595

07/10/2009 20:43

Today, I was locked inside my dorm room. Yeah, inside. How? Some of my floormates decided to stick pennies in the door frame, which jammed the handle. I was stuck inside my room and had to pee really bad. I couldn't call an RA to get me out either. Why? I am the RA. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 293

You deserved it 5 001

06/12/2009 20:28

Today, I was sitting on the couch with my 5 year old on my lap. All of a sudden, she turned to me and said, "Daddy, I love your boobies. They're a good pillow." My own kid just called me fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 887

You deserved it 18 061

26/03/2017 18:47

Today, my now-ex dumped me at a house party, which I then couldn't leave, as all my things were at his house, where I was meant to be staying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 223

You deserved it 310

Not now, please

By Anonymous - 01/12/2020 19:01

Today, days before my graduation, I got sick with a virus, so I had constant vomit and incontinence. To receive my diploma, I had to wear a diaper and spend the whole graduation drinking electrolytes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 905

You deserved it 91

14/09/2018 09:00

Today, I was watching anime in my room when my mom walked in with fresh laundry. It would've been fine at literally any other moment, but the scene on at the time involved girls groping each other in a hot spring. Now she's accusing me of being in cartoon porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 179

You deserved it 819

17/11/2013 06:00

Today, after just having used the bathroom, my ring fell in the toilet. After stealthily removing it with a toothbrush, I went to go wash it in the sink. It then fell down the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 366

You deserved it 14 653

29/03/2016 04:57

Today, I gave the guy I've been seeing a copy of my newly published book, because I know he loves writing. He started reading and commented on how amazing it was. Then he gave it back. He didn't realize it was a gift. My awkward self didn't correct him. I'd written him a sweet letter inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 287

You deserved it 4 868

28/11/2012 06:32

Today, my husband quit his job as a university professor and picked up the graveyard shift at a rat farm so he could have more time during the day to play World of Warcraft. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 624

You deserved it 3 372

Gigs

By Anonymous - 22/03/2019 20:00

Today, I went to see my favorite band in concert. Not only did the people next to me have a loud conversation through the entire set, the guy behind me repeatedly tried to lecture me for head-butting him. Given he was a foot taller than me, I'm not even sure how that was possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 899

You deserved it 131

18/08/2009 05:02

Today, I ran over a cat while driving home. I tried to keep myself together but couldn't help but cry because of how bad I felt. Through my tears I failed to notice a porcupine in the middle of the road. Yep, I hit him too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 445

You deserved it 19 396

26/06/2009 14:20

Today, My 5 year old sister informed me she had left me a present in my bed. She had tied a ribbon around a dead rat's neck and propped it up on my pillow. The label says his name was Bert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 624

You deserved it 2 968

Sign this!

By Stairs? Noooooo - 15/09/2015 22:31

Today, I was signing with my deaf brother at a local McDonald's. We were having a laugh about a game we played last night when this morbidly obese woman waddled over to us. She was utterly convinced we were "talking shit" about her and made a scene about our "hand gestures." Seriously? FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 117

You deserved it 1 525

29/10/2013 00:53

Today, I had to listen to my boss say "Arabica beans" in a goofy, fake New England accent every time the McDonald's ice coffee commercial came on the radio. I worked a 12-hour shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 688

You deserved it 3 257

Cool, dude

By lamemom - 05/04/2014 22:05

Today, my friend saw a stamp on my hand and asked me which club I had gone to last night. I was so desperate to seem cool that I lied, instead of admitting it was actually from a children's play group that I took my kids to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 998

You deserved it 8 890

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Top comments

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Monday 14 March 2011 23:16

op call me! I can hook you up with some shamwows to wipe away you tears. Only $10.99

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Monday 14 March 2011 23:07

Wow

Comments

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Monday 14 March 2011 23:07

Wow

TheRealFamilyGuy 5

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Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:41

I love skittles!

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Tuesday 15 March 2011 3:34

I love skittles and Peter griffin heehee...

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Tuesday 15 March 2011 8:11

There is no easy target for rape. Except women and children.

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Tuesday 15 March 2011 13:13

I like to make them think they have a sale and then try to get free stuff

MyDogTastesBad 0

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Tuesday 15 March 2011 17:05

I swear I've read a post very similar to this at least 5-6 times..

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Tuesday 15 March 2011 17:25

wow

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Thursday 31 March 2011 6:57

I do this when those telemarketers call me more than once. And finally tell them i am not interested. I dont get more calls then

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Monday 14 March 2011 23:10

Loner

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Thursday 24 March 2011 8:28

well that was uncalled for. douche.

CTVrhythmguitari 8

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Monday 14 March 2011 23:11

lol fail xD I love being alone haha I spend time with people all the time so alone time is kinda nice :D maybe you should go out somewhere and meet people! :D

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Monday 14 March 2011 23:14

...are you a chick or a guy?

syki 22

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Monday 14 March 2011 23:26

I though chick, but then I went to his profile. His name's Levi and he likes cute girls. Sorry, Levi. A few more years should fix that problem. :3

CTVrhythmguitari 8

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Monday 14 March 2011 23:31

ahaha it's the hair isn't it? xD I know it's like uber fucking long, I'm getting it cut like next week lol so I'll probably have a not so gay looking pic up then :P xD

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Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:16

There are some very masculine looking girls out there, and isn't Levi a unisex name?

jess6blondie9 2

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Tuesday 15 March 2011 1:42

I've never heard of a girl named Levi.

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Tuesday 15 March 2011 2:47

all I know is that I drove the chevi to the Levi but the Levi was dry.

fastspeed1234 0

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Tuesday 15 March 2011 3:26

haha corny but funny

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Tuesday 15 March 2011 3:55

44, read Fairy Tail. There's a female character named Levi.

AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml 12

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Tuesday 15 March 2011 4:56

wow, not one of these responses had anything to do with what the guy said XD

nerdsgetmehot 22

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Tuesday 15 March 2011 6:49

I can see that #3 is obviously a guy, even with the long hair. :P

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Tuesday 15 March 2011 7:10

I like being alone too!:)

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Tuesday 15 March 2011 8:14

You guys made him feel so self conscious about his looks that he took his picture down lolol

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Saturday 19 March 2011 4:02

alone is fun better than being with aswholes

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Monday 14 March 2011 23:16

op call me! I can hook you up with some shamwows to wipe away you tears. Only $10.99

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Tuesday 15 March 2011 4:47

trololololololololol WIN

DoubleEdgedBlade 4

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Tuesday 15 March 2011 8:57

OP, don't listen to 5, I can hook you up with the exact same product for the cheap price of $10.98!

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Monday 14 March 2011 23:20

lol. I bet the telemarketer was pissed!!!

Perksofbeingawal 0

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Monday 14 March 2011 23:22

I want a ShamWow! : (

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Monday 14 March 2011 23:23

weirdo

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Tuesday 15 March 2011 2:49

you've never been lonely before? just because she did something about it doesn't mean she's weird

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Tuesday 15 March 2011 6:17

48 I want you to think about what you just said carefully and then ask yourself if it really made sense

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Monday 14 March 2011 23:25

Try volunteering. You'll help someone and meet people, too.

jess6blondie9 2

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Monday 14 March 2011 23:27

Haha Awh. That's kinda sad.

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Monday 14 March 2011 23:28

Should have asked them if they were hiring. You'd get to talk to lots of idiots like you for the money, if they hired you.