Today, I donated blood at a blood drive. As is the usual for...

By fatblooddonor

Today, I donated blood at a blood drive. As is the usual for blood drives, I was offered a shirt after donating. The worker handing out the shirts asked me for my size. I said that I was a medium. He looked me over, then asked, "Are you sure?" FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Mother of the year

Team breaking

By Anonymous - United States - Norfolk

Today, I was laid off from my job as a manager. After cleaning out my office, I began clearing my computer. I received an email from HR announcing a job position that opened up. Too bad it was for my job. FML

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By FML - United States - Maricopa

Today, I took my boyfriend to a family dinner. It went well, until my dad got drunk and started telling everyone about how "midgets" are assholes and are ruining America. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I really had to pee at work and rushed to the urinal. I unzipped but couldn't find the hole in the front of my boxers and ended up pissing my pants. I had put my boxers on backwards. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé suggested we bring his elderly mother with us on our honeymoon. FML

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By scared shitless in ohio - United States - Dublin

Today, I decided to be friendly and say hi to the weird kid at school, who was sitting by himself eating lunch. After I said hello, he stared up at me intensely and said, "I don't have many friends. Yeah. Mainly 'cause I've eaten most of them." FML

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By Brooke - United States - Manteca

Today, my mother came back from her trip to Vegas. Her breasts were obviously 2 letter sizes larger. I asked if she got a boob job and she denied it, saying that it's against her religion. She's an atheist, and a liar. FML

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By ??? - 12/10/2020 08:00 - United States

Tiger King

Today, I asked my wife how we could spice up our sex life. She wants me to dress up and talk like Joe Exotic. No, she wasn’t kidding. FML

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By Tymer - Canada - Malahat

Today, while at school, a bra fell out of my coat. After the initial shock, people started congratulating me on finally getting a girlfriend. I didn't have the heart to tell them it was my mom's. FML

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By SpiderFather - France

Today, my seven-year-old son put a spider in the microwave. Animal cruelty? No. The goal was to irradiate it, then get it to bite him so that he would become Spider-Man. FML

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By Anonymous - China

Today, I was in a restaurant with my fiancée for dinner. I commented that she had some food around her mouth. She responded with a lecture, then by throwing her hot bowl of noodles at me, before stomping out the restaurant. FML

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By MemoKrosav - Mexico - Matamoros

Today, I had the most uncomfortable feeling in my socks, but I didn't care to check. It wasn't until I got home that I realized that the feeling was a small thin piece of glass that was slowly cutting away at the bottom of my foot. I still don't know how it got there. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 16:59

Time flies by

Today, long after ten years ago when I answered the door to someone asking if my mummy and daddy were home, and I was 24 and it was my house, I just now got asked if my 30 year-old sister was my daughter. Time has not been kind to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that even though I was an honor student throughout school, and considered the golden child who was going to go far in life, all I've accomplished a year after graduation is becoming an unemployed single mother still living with my parents. FML

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By explosiveBAM - United States

Today, I was texting at work when my manager walked in. I quickly dropped my phone in the garbage to avoid trouble. Since I was working so hard, she decided to do me a favor and throw the trash out for me. FML

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By carmelita - Singapore

Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend. A while later I forgot about it and started digging my nose vigorously. He then beeped me and said "Digging for gold, dear? " FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Davis

Today, my boyfriend told me that he doesn't know why I think deepthroating is so uncomfortable. To prove his point, he grabbed my dildo and effortlessly slid it down his throat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's thinking I had a UTI. Turns out I have an STD. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sandy

Today, I got into an argument with my mom over her sexist, emotionally-abusive boyfriend. I told her that either he goes or I go. She called me a disrespectful bastard for not respecting my "new father." I'm now sitting outside a McDonald's with my suitcase, leeching their WiFi. FML

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By Anonymous

Strange Diet

Today, I woke this morning to my girlfriend asking me how many calories are in her deodorant. FML

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1342

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was opening up to my close friend about my low self esteem. To make me feel better, he told me that he gets a boner whenever he walks behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the bank to get a temporary debit card since I lost my wallet a week ago. On my drive across the street from the bank to the DMV a car slammed into mine at the intersection, nearly totaling my car. The movie theater I went to last week just called and said they'd found my wallet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Howell

Today, my mom was watching me during my Taekwondo lessons. She was yelling at me to focus on my own work and to quit hanging out with the little kids. I'm the instructor. FML

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By cheesfactor - Bulgaria - Rousse

Today, my wardrobe door jammed, and I couldn't change out into some nice clothes for my date. On the way there, my car broke down. Not wanting to be late and make a bad impression, I scuttled the rest of the way, only to find I'd been stood up. FML

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By catstew - United States

Today, my mother's beloved cat died and we thought it would be nice to bury it in the back yard. I came home from work and while walking to the door saw that the cat had been dug up and partially eaten by the local raccoons and strays. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to get over my childhood phobia of syringes by donating blood. The phlebotomist hadn't even touched the needle before I started sobbing hysterically. They made me leave. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, I was trying to put some new curtains up. I couldn't make sense of the instructions, so I decided to wing it. I spent a frustrating half hour fighting with it, and just seconds after I succeeded, the curtain rod gave way and slammed straight onto my head. FML

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By luciazee - Peru - Lima

Today, after having spent years staying in school, working hard to achieve good grades, and avoiding all the bad kids, my mom accused me of having no direction in life and complained about how I haven't given her a grandchild yet. I'm 19. FML

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By she knows - United States - Honolulu

Today, I was at my in-laws' house, and as I was walking to the living room I had my hands on the back of my hips supporting my back. My mother-in-law told me to stop because it makes me look pregnant. I'm 9 months pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Weston

Today, I thought it would be nice to park my new car under a big, shady oak tree to prevent it from heating up in the sun. The big, shady oak tree thought it would be nice to shed a massive branch on top of my new car. FML

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By ACCCHHHOOOO!!!!!!!!! -_- - United States - Laurel

Today, my dick of a neighbor tried to file a noise complaint against me, all because I have the flu and am sneezing a lot. FML

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By effedfosh - Canada

Today, I overheard a couple talking behind me. She said, "You wanna know what's really scary?" He said, "the size of that guy? Yeah he's huge", to which she replied, "no, the scary thing is that's a chick." They weren't talking about me, but they sure were talking about my girlfriend. FML

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By FishStampede - Korea Republic of

Today, I was visiting a national park and went for a swim. Afterwards, I needed to change clothes but the bathrooms were closed. I went off into the woods to change. As soon as I was naked, I heard hooves and sixteen people on horseback rode by. I'd stripped by a horse trail. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it appears that my upstairs neighbour has decided to learn how to play the trombone. FML

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By Good Luck Chuck - United States - Orlando

Today, my former fiancée, who I stopped seeing 5 months ago, married another guy. She wore the dress that I'd purchased for our would-be wedding. FML

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By brittney242 - United States - Stow

Today, while at a night club, I was wearing a brand new outfit that I absolutely loved. I was enjoying myself until I felt something wet drop onto my head and body from above. It was puke from a drunk guy in the V.I.P. section. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a bar with some friends when my wife texted me asking where I was. Not wanting her to know I was at a bar, I told her I was still at work. She was sitting in the booth behind me. FML

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By Matthew - United States

Today, I was arrested for breaking into a house. This is what happens when I lose my key. FML

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By Renderfist

Today, I had to comfort my wife after she found out that her boyfriend wasn't faithful to her. FML

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By noonotme - United States

Today, my father told me to stop purposely singing out of tune because it was annoying. I wasn't doing it on purpose; it's my real voice. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I fell and impaled my leg on a steel rod at work. The first guy to respond to my agonised cry for help must’ve been a total moron because he thought it was a prank and yanked on the rod to see how it worked. Then he asked if I did it on purpose to get a day off. FML

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Top comments

By Gofuckyourself | 24

#7774008 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 4:48

Dick move on that person's part but good on you for donating blood! They could have also meant to ask if you're smaller than a medium instead of larger. Don't let words take you down! ❤

By RichardPencil | 30

#7774013 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 5:16

The nerve of that guy!

He just assumed you wanted to wear it over your torso like a normal person. Maybe you just want to use it to cover one of your tree-trunk thighs. Could happen.

COMMENTS

By blondie45 | 21

#7774004 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 4:15

Well done in donating blood ❤️

By Gofuckyourself | 24

#7774008 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 4:48

Dick move on that person's part but good on you for donating blood! They could have also meant to ask if you're smaller than a medium instead of larger. Don't let words take you down! ❤

RichardPencil | 30

#7774015 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 5:17

Aw, you're so sweet!

By RichardPencil | 30

#7774013 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 5:16

The nerve of that guy!

He just assumed you wanted to wear it over your torso like a normal person. Maybe you just want to use it to cover one of your tree-trunk thighs. Could happen.

By Helmut Arias Rodriguez | 21

#7774018 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 5:44

You got ROASTED!!!!

By Aphrodite | 20

#7774020 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 5:52

Sometimes, we like to make our selves feel better by saying our sizes are smaller than they really are. Although it’s a form of denial, It’s natural.

By zuckerburg | 21

#7774057 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 8:30

He's not a sales person trying to sell you something and telling you you look good. So take it as advice and lose some weight

By Henry8cooper | 15

#7774123 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 10:26

I am sure he looked you over, and thought that these gorgeous breasts does not fit in a medium.

Not good if you're a guy - otherwise a compliment 😊

🙏 😂😂

By Stephanie Claire | 12

#7774197 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 14:20

I’ve never once been offered a shirt when donating blood

By DraftHail614 | 17

#7774302 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 19:24

What was your blood type? Pudding?

By JillianJuneBug | 39

#7774424 - Wednesday 27 February 2019 3:06

I didn’t know they offered t-shirts. Last time I donated blood they handed me a $5 Dunkin Donuts gift card but when I went to use it turned out they never put anything on it. I think I would prefer a t-shirt.