Today, I donated blood at a blood drive. As is the usual for...

By fatblooddonor - 26/2/2019 04:00

Today, I donated blood at a blood drive. As is the usual for blood drives, I was offered a shirt after donating. The worker handing out the shirts asked me for my size. I said that I was a medium. He looked me over, then asked, "Are you sure?" FML

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Serious times

Night terrors

Mind your own beeswax

By Joe - 8/7/2011 18:48 - United States

Today, I realized that I look sexier in my fiancée's panties than she does. FML

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By ExtendedVacation - 23/2/2009 22:00 - United States

Today, I submitted a vacation request to my manager and it was approved. I came back from lunch and was informed that I have been let go. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2011 15:33 - United States

Today, I went to dinner with friends for my birthday. During the whole thing they insisted that we get whatever we wanted and celebrate, but when the check came, they all looked at me expectantly. I just bought my friends $150 of food for my birthday present. FML

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By dontfencemein - 22/7/2011 04:25 - United States

Today, I paid $5000 for a new fence in my backyard for my dogs. My dog escaped three hours after the contractor finished the fence. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2015 23:22 - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, while walking to my flat, I spotted something white hanging over the handle bar of my parked bike. It was a very used diaper. FML

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By MissKitty - 10/3/2017 04:00

Special Snowflake Kitty

Today, I found out why I couldn't properly breathe nor sleep for the past 2 days. I'm allergic to the new kitty litter. This is the special litter I had to buy because my snowflake cat is allergic to all the other brands. FML

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By JG - 10/5/2012 11:48 - United States - Melbourne

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to announce to the class that I finally got a girlfriend. I received a standing ovation. FML

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By anonymous - 24/2/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me I look like a fish gasping for breath when I "finish" during sex. FML

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By Terrible Boss - 18/9/2019 02:04 - United States

Stability

Today, I fired all 12 of my employees, purely out of anger and frustration. Realizing my mistake when I'd calmed down, I called each employee and apologized, asking if they'd come back. Only one said yes. The mailroom clerk. FML

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By "Luke Payne" - 30/12/2019 14:00

Today, I was walking to the bus stop when I realised that I hadn't got my headphones in and was blasting Eminem whilst walking past a bunch of 5 year olds. He said the 'N' word at the same time. I guess I'm not going to that bus stop any more. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2020 20:00

Increase school funding, please?

Today, my teacher began to explain Veterans' Day and why it's on 11/11 to a new student from Iran. He said he already knew, but this was news to almost everyone else in the class. FML

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By thanks mom ¬_¬ - 24/8/2013 22:05 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, my mom visited my new apartment for the first time. I was showing her the bedroom, when she looked into my opened sock drawer and said, "Using Durex, eh? Yeah, you were born 'cause a Trojan split." FML

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By rapturezz - 6/6/2011 07:55 - United States

Today, my ex-girlfriend told my entire family and all my friends that we broke up because I came out to her. They all believe her. Twenty two texts and counting. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2014 18:34 - United States - Hartford

Today, I realized that although I'm dating the most loveable, caring and genuine man, the fact that he's a crack addict means I'll never be his drug of choice when he needs a hit. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2011 13:31 - United States

Today, at a family reunion, my dad announced to everyone that I'd finally started my menstrual cycle. My grandmother started sobbing hysterically. FML

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By fgbh456 - 28/12/2011 00:48 - United States

Today, I confronted my mom about her drinking problems. After I blurted everything out, she completely denied it. She did this as she was drinking a huge cup full of vodka. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2020 14:00

Dad jokes, part 43884

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad, who it turns out is such an anime nerd he decided to overplay the "idiot overprotective dad" character all afternoon, including making the dramatic faces, playing theme music from his phone, and at one point threatening my genitals with an oversized foam battle axe. FML

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By ICantBelieveThis - 6/3/2010 14:31 - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend in her room. That means: Jonas Brothers posters on the wall, Jonas Brothers pillows, sheets, comforter and stuffed dog. After we did it, she apologized to her posters for having to see that, since they're pure. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2015 11:57 - United States - Howell

Today, I babysat an 11 year old kid while his parents ate out. As soon as they left, the kid asked me if I wanted to be on the sex offender's list. Before I could even process that, he told me to stay out of his way and he wouldn't accuse me of anything. FML

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By Nyquilwtf - 23/9/2012 05:03 - United States

Today, I learned that Nyquil has such an amazing effect on me, that it won't even allow me to wake up to go to the bathroom. FML

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By kkt - 25/4/2013 04:54 - United States - Granbury

Today, my 15-year-old brother got busted for selling pills at school. The officer said they were reddish pink, so we searched the house for that kind of pill. Turns out it was my dog's medicine from over 4 years ago. FML

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By CutestBoysEver - 30/10/2012 01:30 - United States - Fruita

Today, I went to the hospital in labor expecting a baby boy. I ended the day with identical twins, a baffled doctor, and a husband convinced that our sons can clone themselves. FML

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By Sam - 15/7/2013 05:14 - United States - Elmhurst

Today, I had to turn down an invitation to one of my best friend's birthday party because I had been scheduled to work. Little did I know that my job on that day would be setting up the tents, tables, and chairs for that very birthday party. FML

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By fuckshitcockwaffle - 31/5/2013 14:59 - Australia - Bayswater

Today, while feeding my neighbour's cats, I mistakenly switched up their foods. One has medicated food that causes drowsiness. The healthy cat got knocked out like a log. I panicked, laid him out by the bed, and spilled milk around his head to make it look "natural." I think I'm going to hell. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2010 15:03 - United States

Today, I was meeting my husband's old friends at his 20 year high school reunion. He introduced me as his 'friend from work' to his ex girlfriend. FML

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By PainStressLife - 11/11/2013 05:17 - United States - Dublin

Today, I went to an over-crowded grocery store. As I reached the front of a long line, I noticed that a cart had been abandoned in everybody's way. Trying to be helpful, I moved it to the side. An enormous woman then shoved me and yelled at me for "pushing her property around." FML

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By whyme_ss - 20/7/2009 20:05 - United States

Today, I went on a rollercoaster for the first time. I sat in the back, which was a bad idea. When it ended everyone in front of me turned around and stared. When I asked my friend what was going on, she said I had been screaming the Lord's Prayer the whole time. I hadn't even noticed. FML

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By everythingWASperfect - 13/11/2010 14:43 - Canada

Today, at work, I accidentally walked into a meeting at which the whole company was there but me. The meeting was about how they could legally fire me while paying as little severance as possible. I'm the CEO and the founder of the company. FML

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By S. - 26/8/2012 16:20 - Estonia

Today, I bought a pack of toothpicks. There were 500 of them. When I got home I accidentally dropped the pack. After twenty long minutes of picking them up, I dropped them again. FML

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By Anon - 8/3/2012 11:53 - United States

Today, I was called an assortment of names and was almost followed home by a crazy bitch. Why? Because I stated that it was unsanitary for her to bring her dog to a grocery store. She clearly disagreed. FML

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By sigh - 13/4/2016 02:10 - United States - Charlotte

Today, my new neighbor offered to "humanely capture and relocate" the squirrels in my attic. He then "humanely" shot at them with a BB gun, and the "relocated" them into his stomach once they were killed. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML

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By Flicker - 14/5/2009 07:23 - Australia

Today, my football club gave us all jerseys with our last names on them. My last name is 'Flicker'. The letters are all in uppercase. And the 'L' and the 'I' are joined together at the bottom. My jersey reads 'FUCKER'. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2010 11:34 - Sweden

Today, at work, after a visit to the bathroom, the lock broke in my hand and the door was jammed. I called the janitor on my cellphone and told him about the situation. He told me to fill out a complaint and leave it in his post box. He then hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2014 17:26 - Dominican Republic - Santo Domingo

Today, I was feeling adventurous and decided to freeball it to school. As I went to sit down during first class, I managed to sit on my own balls, scream, then collapse on the floor gasping. My teacher thought I was screwing around and gave me detention. FML

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By unfortunategeek - 23/12/2010 16:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I tried to contact my birth mother, who abandoned me when I was three weeks old. After months of tracing, I finally plucked up the courage to call her. She told me to "f*ck off and die". FML

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By Dig4life - 5/6/2015 13:42 - United States - Kent

Today, after telling my mom that I'll be going to Las Vegas with my dad for my 21st birthday, she started ranting about how my dad always wanted to abort me and that she was the only one who actually wanted me. FML

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By dormeur - 18/1/2013 11:39 - France - Malakoff

Today, as usual, my cat was sleeping on my stomach. I couldn't fall asleep so I delicately picked him up and put him down next to me. He got up, hopped back onto me, gave me a slap and then went back to sleep on my stomach. I didn't dare move all night. FML

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By neverdatingagain - 27/11/2016 22:07 - United States - Lake Oswego

Today, after three years of dating, my boyfriend finally proposed. To my best friend. FML

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By Noname - 18/2/2009 15:43 - United States

Today, I was secretly listening to a voicemail from my mom in maths class when I accidentally hit the speaker phone button. My whole math class now knows I have a gyno appointment at 9:45 on March 11. FML

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By failure - 13/10/2010 06:18 - Australia

Today, I rang my girlfriend to make sure she made it home alright. She told me to check my facebook. Nothing was different so I hit refresh. We were no longer in a relationship. I got dumped via facebook whilst on the phone to her. FML

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Top comments

By Gofuckyourself | 24

#7774008 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 4:48

Dick move on that person's part but good on you for donating blood! They could have also meant to ask if you're smaller than a medium instead of larger. Don't let words take you down! ❤

By RichardPencil | 28

#7774013 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 5:16

The nerve of that guy!

He just assumed you wanted to wear it over your torso like a normal person. Maybe you just want to use it to cover one of your tree-trunk thighs. Could happen.

COMMENTS

By blondie45 | 21

#7774004 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 4:15

Well done in donating blood ❤️

By Gofuckyourself | 24

#7774008 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 4:48

Dick move on that person's part but good on you for donating blood! They could have also meant to ask if you're smaller than a medium instead of larger. Don't let words take you down! ❤

RichardPencil | 28

#7774015 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 5:17

Aw, you're so sweet!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7774013 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 5:16

The nerve of that guy!

He just assumed you wanted to wear it over your torso like a normal person. Maybe you just want to use it to cover one of your tree-trunk thighs. Could happen.

By Helmut Arias Rodriguez | 21

#7774018 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 5:44

You got ROASTED!!!!

By Aphrodite | 19

#7774020 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 5:52

Sometimes, we like to make our selves feel better by saying our sizes are smaller than they really are. Although it’s a form of denial, It’s natural.

By zuckerburg | 21

#7774057 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 8:30

He's not a sales person trying to sell you something and telling you you look good. So take it as advice and lose some weight

By Henry8cooper | 15

#7774123 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 10:26

I am sure he looked you over, and thought that these gorgeous breasts does not fit in a medium.

Not good if you're a guy - otherwise a compliment 😊

🙏 😂😂

By Stephanie Claire | 12

#7774197 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 14:20

I’ve never once been offered a shirt when donating blood

By DraftHail614 | 17

#7774302 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 19:24

What was your blood type? Pudding?

By JillianJuneBug | 39

#7774424 - Wednesday 27 February 2019 3:06

I didn’t know they offered t-shirts. Last time I donated blood they handed me a $5 Dunkin Donuts gift card but when I went to use it turned out they never put anything on it. I think I would prefer a t-shirt.