Today, I donated blood at a blood drive. As is the usual for...

By fatblooddonor

Today, I donated blood at a blood drive. As is the usual for blood drives, I was offered a shirt after donating. The worker handing out the shirts asked me for my size. I said that I was a medium. He looked me over, then asked, "Are you sure?" FML

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Red flag

You can't win sometimes

The sweet smell of unsuccess

By apowell5 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to try and get answers about the numbness and tingling in my right leg. The Dr told me I was too fat for my pants, and I pinched a nerve. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Rosebery

Today, my girlfriend visited my restaurant with some guy I'd never seen before. She introduced him to me as her "new boyfriend". She was always a cold bitch, but I never saw this coming. I had to serve their food while choking back tears, and I couldn't work up the nerve to spit in it. FML

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By courtbabbbby - United States

Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said "shit" while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn't I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my wife actually had the balls to tell me that we can't have sex for the rest of her nine month pregnancy, because according to her, "I don't want twins." FML

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By ILOVELEDZEPPELIN - United States - Wakefield

Today, I called my mother crying, telling her how my husband has apparently been cheating on me for months. To my surprise, she didn't interrupt me or cut me off the whole time. Only when she didn't respond, did I realize she'd hung up a half an hour ago. FML

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By hatemyjob - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I answered a call at work from a very irate gentleman. After being shouted and sworn at profusely, I ended the call in a slightly less than civil manner. Turns out that guy is one of our company's biggest clients. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while walking past a homeless man, I heard him comment on the woman in front of me saying, "I should come to this side of town more often, there's some hotties here." Then he saw me and said, "Wait, no, I think I'll stay on the other side of town." FML

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By angry girlfriend - United States - West Harrison

Today, I found out that the reason my boyfriend hasn't texted me recently is that he'd forgotten he was dating anyone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was bitched out by my 17 year old son's teacher. It seems the idiot teacher made the kids advocate for his own political beliefs in a presentation, and my son ended his speech saying, "And it remains my opinion that our instructor is cramping my motherfucking style." Instant suspension. FML

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By jack the ripped - United States

Today, while examining my busted nose in the mirror, I had a sneeze attack. Now it looks like someone got their throat slashed in my bathroom. FML

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By jj159 - United States

Today, I found out that the money my husband and I gave to my son for university courses, has instead been spent on pole dancing lessons. FML

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By Clementine - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. After dessert, he went to the bathroom so I quickly called the waiter over and paid the bill, thinking it was a nice gesture. When he returned, he broke up with me for "emasculating" him. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband misheard me when I said I wanted a massage with sensual oils. He used essential oils instead. Essential oils are not meant to be used on the skin, trust me. My skin looks like a cross between sandpaper and pus-filled bubble wrap. FML

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By Babs - United States - Rancho Cucamonga

Today, I did a bike ride and run with a gent I'm serious about. On the run, I had a big lead until he passed me up saying, "I'm going to marry you." Puzzled that he would propose and then sprint away leaving me trailing, he clarified at the finish. His words: "I'm going to bury you." FML

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By runner - United States

Run run run

Today, I went for a run in a new pair of shoes that left me with huge blisters. As I finished cleaning them up so they could heal, I limped to my bed to take a nap. I was woken by the fire alarm. My building was having a drill and we couldn't use the elevators. I live on the 9th floor. FML

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By Rainman - United States

Today, I had to water my entire garden. After an exhausting hour of watering hundreds of plants, I turned off the hose and started to feel good about the grueling job. That is, until it started pouring rain. FML

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By Stigmamma

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to be responsible and put parental controls on the Playstation so our kids can't play adult games or watch adult content online. And now, neither can we. FML

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By jamiedevin - United States

Today, I was feeling really sick when I was with my boyfriend at the park. When we were walking, I got really dizzy and collapsed. My boyfriend didn't catch me. His mom took me to the hospital. While I was being poked with needles, he was at home playing COD. FML

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By anonymous

Today, I had to fake fall down the stairs so my mom would stop texting and actually pay attention to what I was saying. FML

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By 16seconds - United States

Today, I had to buy a wrist splint for my carpal tunnel syndrome. Not because I'm a computer programmer or some hot shot web designer but because I spend ALL of my time playing Solitaire on my laptop. FML

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By broke_broken - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, after paying back the money my grandma lent me to fix my car, I stepped outside, only to see my car leaking antifreeze all over the driveway. I had to ask for the money back to fix it again. FML

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By wormsmeat - Canada - Kingston

Today, my dog vomited a writhing mass of maggots. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever smelled, and I was baffled as to where she found a maggot infested dead thing to eat. Baffled, until my mom reminded me that my cat has been missing, presumed dead, for over a week. FML

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By PaperInfection - United States

Today, I fell in a hole in my back yard and got stuck. My mother called the fire department. They all stood around laughing and taking pictures before they helped me. FML

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By lowly101

Today, I stood up at my desk and fell. I landed on the arm of my desk chair. There was a loud crack when the plastic in the chair broke. My co-workers heard. They didn't come to check on me because I didn't scream. FML

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By 4yrldkicker - United States

Today, I was at the mall and someone peeked their head under the door of my dressing room while I was half dressed. Not knowing who it was, I kicked him in the face just out of instinct. Its was a 4 year old kid looking for his mother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Carpentersville

Today, I caught my roommate trying to use my flashlight as a dildo. FML

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By poisonivyandbigfoot

Today, I was playing a game on my boyfriend's phone when he got a text from a girl saying, "last night was so fun." When I asked him about it, he panicked and said, "we were hunting Bigfoot." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2020 13:58

Happy families

Today, I just found out that my mom is cheating on my dad. I went to give my dad the evidence I'd gathered, and he just said he knew, and that he’s cheating on her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - American Canyon

Today, my wife packed my lunch. Inside of my lunchbox was a photo of her eating my sandwiches. FML

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By goestoschoolonsnowdays - United States

Today, we had our second snow day in a row, something that never happens. So while the rest of school got to sleep late, I had to wake up early, get dressed, and go to my bus stop because my mom didn't believe me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2020 16:58 - United States - Rockaway Park

Wedding of the year

Today, I dreamed that I got so nervous during a toast at my friend's wedding that I pissed myself. To coax myself to wake up, I took off my dress, stripped down to my underwear, and pinched myself. I wasn't dreaming. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I have been crushing on for 2 years. At the end of the date he tells me that he is moving away and as his going away present, I could pay for dinner. FML

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By Dani - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I woke up feeling awful and decided to make myself a nice egg omelette with bacon, toast and fresh fruit. As I went to eat it, I stubbed my toe and dropped it all on the floor. My dogs were very happy about that. FML

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By TheSickness - United States

Today, the girl that I fancy was sick and I offered to hug her, but she protested saying that she didn't want to get me sick. I told her, "If hugging you gets me sick, then I'll just have to deal with being sick." She gave me the biggest hug she could. I haven't stopped puking since. FML

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By Tal - United States

Today, I got kicked in the face at a soccer game. Everybody clapped. FML

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By kimhinesvoinea - United States

Today, I took multiple pictures of my blanket and pillow pet, trying to get the "perfect pose" so I could post it on Facebook with a cheesy joke. I'm 30. FML

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By swedishdude - Sweden

Today, I was at a party where I ate a bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML

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By Thanks - United Kingdom

Today, I took my daughter to the zoo. I threw a piece of my sandwich towards a very cute chimpanzee. As a thank you, he threw a piece of crap at me, which exploded all over my shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ceiling fan was rocking violently so I turned it off. I stood under it trying to figure out what the problem is, it fell on my face. FML

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By Phobic_fml

Today, I saw the engagement announcement for the girl I've been in love with for 10 years. FML

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Top comments

By Gofuckyourself | 24

#7774008 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 4:48

Dick move on that person's part but good on you for donating blood! They could have also meant to ask if you're smaller than a medium instead of larger. Don't let words take you down! ❤

By RichardPencil | 29

#7774013 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 5:16

The nerve of that guy!

He just assumed you wanted to wear it over your torso like a normal person. Maybe you just want to use it to cover one of your tree-trunk thighs. Could happen.

COMMENTS

By blondie45 | 21

#7774004 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 4:15

Well done in donating blood ❤️

By Gofuckyourself | 24

#7774008 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 4:48

Dick move on that person's part but good on you for donating blood! They could have also meant to ask if you're smaller than a medium instead of larger. Don't let words take you down! ❤

RichardPencil | 29

#7774015 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 5:17

Aw, you're so sweet!

By RichardPencil | 29

#7774013 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 5:16

The nerve of that guy!

He just assumed you wanted to wear it over your torso like a normal person. Maybe you just want to use it to cover one of your tree-trunk thighs. Could happen.

By Helmut Arias Rodriguez | 21

#7774018 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 5:44

You got ROASTED!!!!

By Aphrodite | 19

#7774020 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 5:52

Sometimes, we like to make our selves feel better by saying our sizes are smaller than they really are. Although it’s a form of denial, It’s natural.

By zuckerburg | 21

#7774057 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 8:30

He's not a sales person trying to sell you something and telling you you look good. So take it as advice and lose some weight

By Henry8cooper | 15

#7774123 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 10:26

I am sure he looked you over, and thought that these gorgeous breasts does not fit in a medium.

Not good if you're a guy - otherwise a compliment 😊

🙏 😂😂

By Stephanie Claire | 12

#7774197 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 14:20

I’ve never once been offered a shirt when donating blood

By DraftHail614 | 17

#7774302 - Tuesday 26 February 2019 19:24

What was your blood type? Pudding?

By JillianJuneBug | 39

#7774424 - Wednesday 27 February 2019 3:06

I didn’t know they offered t-shirts. Last time I donated blood they handed me a $5 Dunkin Donuts gift card but when I went to use it turned out they never put anything on it. I think I would prefer a t-shirt.