Love: Today, I was so desperately lonely that I begged a telemarketer...

By lonely loser - 22/08/2014 18:04 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was so desperately lonely that I begged a telemarketer not to hang up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 677

You deserved it 6 748

Love

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Keep your distance

You tried

Keeping up appearances

By waterpistolriot - 23/10/2020 11:02 - Austria

Today, I ordered food for delivery. I actually made it sound as if there were other people at home so I had an excuse for ordering so much. I don't think they bought it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 439

You deserved it 763

By talker - 14/11/2012 06:14 - United States - Middletown

Today, I discovered both how much I really talk to myself when I'm drinking alone and how thin the walls of my apartment are. I heard my own slurred voice coming from my neighbor's apartment. They had recorded me and made a mixtape of some of the more interesting things I had said. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 513

You deserved it 22 947

By meesmees - 23/11/2013 10:48 - United States - Severna Park

Today, I ended up talking to a homeless man and bought him a meal. In return, he hugged me and groped my ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 730

You deserved it 6 784

By Anonymous - 18/02/2011 21:18 - United States

Today, I had to get into my house via the dog flap because my mom changed the locks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 064

You deserved it 4 477

By Anonymous - 20/08/2015 04:16 - United States - El Cajon

Today, my psycho landlord threatened to take me to court if I don't pay my rent on time this month. I'd totally understand if he weren't my father-in-law, and if the reason I didn't pay on time before was because of hospital fees I'd incurred for an emergency appendectomy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 525

You deserved it 2 550

By Anonymous - 17/07/2009 05:11 - United States

Today, I thought it was a good idea to go number two while smoking a "cigarette". My ash tray was over by the sink so I decided to just ash in the toilet. While ashing between my legs, I sneezed and now I have a extremely uncomfortable burn on my man member. Smoking is bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 412

You deserved it 90 666

By NCanalyst - 11/11/2009 20:28 - Norway

Today, I interviewed potential employees for a job position that I was supposed to get promoted to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 451

You deserved it 2 347

You're fired

By Pyrophobia - 13/09/2021 23:00

Today, my husband nearly set our apartment on fire, all because he attempted to burn any evidence of his affair with his mistress, including the used latex condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 390

You deserved it 105

By codizzy - 18/08/2016 22:05

Today, while working at my job at a lumber/hardware store, my coworker told me he was taking an hour break instead of the usual half-hour. Not only did he leave me with a store packed with customers on Customer Appreciation Day, but he never came back until closing time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 677

You deserved it 921

By Anonymous - 26/11/2010 13:15 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my stalker is my mom's new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 488

You deserved it 3 050

The more things change…

By J.O.S - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, airport security took away my 32$ eyelash curler, because it could be used as a weapon. I miss the '90s. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 066

You deserved it 9 500

By Fish - 19/03/2009 15:47 - United Arab Emirates

Today, we were hanging around the pool with a couple of friends and a crush of mine. Thinking I would be able to impress her with a well performed dive of the diving board, I go up and attempt my best dive. I slip just as I jump and hit my head on the board. I had to be saved by the lifeguard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 237

You deserved it 55 258

By AwkwardMoments - 26/01/2017 14:00

Today, while napping on the couch, I had a very vivid dream about a girl I like. I woke up to my mother and father choking back laughter and recording me on their phones. I don't know what's worse: waking up with a boner in front of my parents or finding out I was also talking dirty in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 816

You deserved it 672

Alexa, play "What's My Age Again?" by Blink182

By collegestudent - 20/09/2019 02:01

Today, my dad asked me if I needed crayons for school. I'm going to college this fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 291

You deserved it 191

By Anonymous - 28/09/2009 01:39 - United States

Today, after coming home from hanging out with a few friends, my mom told me that I shouldn't hang out with them any more. Why? Because "they are way hotter than I am and I'll never get a boyfriend if I'm always the ugly one in my group." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 652

You deserved it 3 406

By chris - 14/06/2011 05:10 - United States

Today, I saw my bike locked outside a Starbucks down the street from my house. It was stolen about 10 days ago from my communal laundry room. There was even a cop parked across the street, but I have no proof to show that bike even belonged to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 811

You deserved it 3 857

By turnedoff - 18/06/2012 01:00 - United States

Today, I kindly asked my boyfriend to shave his pubic hair to make oral sex more enjoyable for me. He declined, saying, "Think of it as flossing your teeth. I'm doing you a much needed favor." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 448

You deserved it 5 824

By hantavirus - 26/08/2009 08:44 - United States

Today, I found out that the horrific smell coming from somewhere in my kitchen was a rotting dead mouse in my dishwasher. I have been eating off plates washed in dead-mouse water for the past week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 819

You deserved it 11 357

That's… sexy

By Anonymous - 03/02/2021 01:01 - Mexico - Iztacalco

Today, my wife threw up in the middle of sex, then fell asleep right after. I didn't even finish and it'd been over a month since the last time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 966

You deserved it 275

By Boss Troubles - 17/03/2015 06:12 - United States - Anaheim

Today, my boss insisted I go in front of him up the stairs. Out of respect, I insisted he go first. After a few seconds of back and forth insisting, he went. The reason he wanted me to go first was because he had to fart. I inhaled the raunchy gas for over three flights of stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 772

You deserved it 12 333

By Nixontones - 14/10/2011 15:09 - United States

Today, I have been pissing blood for 2 hours, ever since some douche in a Nixon mask ran up and slugged me in the kidney. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 978

You deserved it 2 507

By awkwardballer - 24/05/2016 16:53

Today, while playing basketball with my new coworkers, I managed to get the ball stuck between the hoop and backboard. In trying to free it, I also got a traffic cone stuck and ended up having to drag a large ladder across the court while everyone watched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 831

You deserved it 1 577

My eyes! My eyes!

By Audrey - 21/07/2020 14:01

Today, I walked in on my mom masturbating. I want to run away. I feel violated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 594

You deserved it 619

By MariadelMar - 19/08/2009 15:03 - United States

Today, I flew 8 hours to visit my boyfriend. When I arrived at the airport, and he started taking long to show up, I checked my email to see the info. I hit the junk mail by accident and found his last 10 emails in there. He had broken up with me a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 549

You deserved it 16 214

By WIIslave - 14/12/2009 07:49 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to get a pulled arm muscle checked. I told him I had been bowling, and it had just started to hurt badly. He said it was normal for a man of my age (35) to pull a muscle when lifting a ball of 12-15 pounds. I then told him it was on my son's Wii. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 898

You deserved it 28 944

By Anonymous - 29/05/2016 02:20 - United States - Exeter

Today, my mom was "that" customer at the local drive-thru. She slipped into attention whore mode and bitched the guy out for not giving us extra fries. He said she didn't ask for any, which was true. Instead of apologizing, she swore at him and floored the gas, sending our drinks spilling all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 929

You deserved it 1 731

By semischweet - 01/09/2019 20:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I learned why you should never to use Sean Connery's voice when asking your girlfriend to sit on your face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 702

You deserved it 1 832

By Ad-s - 14/01/2009 05:01 - France

Today, I got together with a small gathering of friends in a bar. I go up to the bar to order something, but with all the music and noise, the barman can't hear what I'm trying to say, so he leans forward, cocking his ear towards me. For some reason, I thought he was being friendly so I kissed him as if we were saying hello to each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 409

You deserved it 22 750

By padre74 - 03/10/2016 17:31 - United States - Jackson

Today, after creating a swear jar for my son, I came back to find a $20 bill in it and him saying, "How much does that buy?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 287

You deserved it 2 380

By UGH! - 19/12/2016 18:21 - Canada

Today, I slid into a seat in a very busy foodcourt that was jam packed full of seniors at the mall. It was the only seat available, so I was quick to jump into it. It was soaked with urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 111

You deserved it 1 016

By Noname - 13/03/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, I got a $200 ticket mailed to me for drunk driving in Maryland. I have never been pulled over for drunk driving and I have never been to Maryland. FML

I agree, your life sucks 97 795

You deserved it 4 389

By someone - 01/04/2014 19:21 - United States - Point Pleasant

Today, I resorted to the oldest prank in the book: laxatives in the food. Except it wasn't for a prank, but just a desperate attempt to get my clingy boyfriend to leave me the hell alone. I think I'm going to hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 500

You deserved it 12 610

By Anonymous - 09/05/2010 16:19 - United States

Today, I realized that going back on birth control has made my acne go away and my boobs bigger. However, to my boyfriend's dismay, I've completely lost my sex drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 045

You deserved it 5 211

Rookie mistake

By Anonymous - 29/01/2021 05:01

Today, I drunkenly hooked up with my friend. Two weeks before Valentine's day. She expects me to buy her a present because we've known each other for a while, and apparently thinks it's more than a drunk hookup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 309

You deserved it 1 572

By communistgirl - 24/01/2012 16:42 - United States

Today, I had to do community service work, so I helped out at a senior center. One of the confused elderly patients, who believed the Cold War was still on, thought I was a Soviet and started screaming about how I was going to nuke his country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 859

You deserved it 4 045

By this sucks - 05/08/2013 04:00 - United States - El Paso

Today, after gaining all the weight back that I had lost after my first marriage, I realized that the only thing that fits me now is my wedding ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 053

You deserved it 9 797

By BangBangBzzz - 15/12/2015 22:01

Today, I went for a much needed relaxing massage. As I lay down, the renovation works in the next building started up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 387

You deserved it 1 408

By soccer8goalie - 03/09/2014 02:13 - United States - Parkersburg

Today, I was punched in the face because my uncontrollable hiccups were "annoying". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 218

You deserved it 4 571

By JD - 06/02/2010 01:20 - Australia

Today, I was in my drama class and I was standing behind the curtains. My friend accidentally bumped me into the bin that was hidden behind the curtain. Everyone heard me fall and they opened the curtains. My butt was stuck in it and my knees were in front of my face. No one helped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 157

You deserved it 2 910

By bloated - 04/11/2016 02:46 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I felt so self-conscious about my gut, I pushed it out and pretended I was pregnant rather than sucking it in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 757

You deserved it 2 501

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

mangasempai 11

Send a private message

Saturday 23 August 2014 5:23

Should call Jake from Statefarm, he'll keep you company.

junkman6 22

Send a private message

Saturday 23 August 2014 5:23

In other news an average joe starts a company based on making phone calls to lonely people and becomes a millionaire!

mangasempai 11

Send a private message

Saturday 23 August 2014 5:23

Should call Jake from Statefarm, he'll keep you company.

Harshdfml 14

Send a private message

Saturday 23 August 2014 5:33

Say something I'm hanging up on you.

orbit 22

Send a private message

Saturday 23 August 2014 7:24

"She sounds hideous"

Sudoc 29

Send a private message

Saturday 23 August 2014 5:23

They're not allowed to hang up on you

junkman6 22

Send a private message

Saturday 23 August 2014 5:23

In other news an average joe starts a company based on making phone calls to lonely people and becomes a millionaire!

LexiDaBae 17

Send a private message

Saturday 23 August 2014 17:07

That's actually a really good idea.

bodica 4

Send a private message

Saturday 23 August 2014 21:30

Wasn't this a movie?

fsomelife 26

Send a private message

Saturday 23 August 2014 5:26

Are you perchance from soviet Russia?

jakeroney98 14

Send a private message

Saturday 23 August 2014 5:26

Most of those companies don't let employees hang up, so you can waste all their time you want. Kind of ironic if you ask me, but funny the same

Mauskau 35

Send a private message

Saturday 23 August 2014 13:40

They always hang up on me. I always question them to the point they can't respond without telling me what they're not allowed to tell me.

sashakotlik 14

Send a private message

Saturday 23 August 2014 5:29

Normally it's the other way around isn't it?

Psycho_Babydoll 26

Send a private message

Saturday 23 August 2014 5:30

Oh my God, this hurt my heart a little.

OhWhoCares 42

Send a private message

Saturday 23 August 2014 5:31

I'm trying to imagine how that conversation would go. If you feign interest won't they usually go on and on about whatever they're selling?

HJKM_fml 19

Send a private message

Saturday 23 August 2014 23:33

Yeah. I can't hang up on them fast enough. lol. *Sorry to any telemarketers out there

n3ophyt3 10

Send a private message

Saturday 23 August 2014 5:32

Well at least you knew whom to call when you are lonely

keirookami 11

Send a private message

Saturday 23 August 2014 5:34

But they ring us...

tfriend3 15

Send a private message

Saturday 23 August 2014 5:34

It's not that difficult to socialize, just go out and try to meet new people.

Psycho_Babydoll 26

Send a private message

Saturday 23 August 2014 5:38

If OP suffers from anxiety (just a wild guess, given the loneliness), it actually IS that difficult to 'just go out and meet new people'.

Rababco 29

Send a private message

Friday 5 August 2016 3:34

If someone has social anxiety or Autism or even is just shy, it's very difficult to go out and meet people and make friends.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 15

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 104

You deserved it 27

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 907

You deserved it 69

Keeping up appearances

You're fired

The more things change…

Alexa, play "What's My Age Again?" by Blink182

That's… sexy

My eyes! My eyes!

Rookie mistake

Add a comment - Reply to : #

Top comments

Comments