By joAnne - United States

Thanks, I guess

Today, I went to visit my fiancé's dying grandmother in the hospital with him. She started talking to us about living each day to the fullest. His grandmother points to me and says, "Life is short. That's why you don't waste any time screwing girls who look like that." FML

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There's no helping some people

Mother of the year

Messed up

By

Today, I have to pay my college an extra $1000 because there is a $20 charge every time you get locked out of your room, and I have an extremely poor short-term memory. I'm also only allowed to have exactly one keycard at any given time. FML

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By okaythen - United States - Euless

Today, I asked out this girl at work who I've had a crush on for a while. She looked oddly familiar, aside from the fact that we worked together. It was almost like we'd met outside of work. Two hours and one Snapchat story later, I realized I'd asked out my best friend's girlfriend. FML

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By oneloveliz

Today, I was watching my dog via security camera live feed, when my roommate came in completely naked to make breakfast for himself. FML

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By what_a_loner - Canada - Bowmanville

Today, I got into a fight with a lawn chair. It won. FML

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By Dad41

Toynado

Today, I came home from work and found that my son had taken every single one of his toys out and left them on the floor. Plus some goldfish crackers. FML

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By CockroachCluster

Today, I turned on my A/C for the first time in a couple of months. A family of ginormous cockroaches climbed out of the air vent and a few clumps of dead cockroaches fell to the ground. FML

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By okay - United States - Woodstock

Today, a customer complained he never got his sandwich, even though I put it in the oven, dressed it up and served it to him. When I went to clear his table off, I saw the sandwich basket. We had to give him his money back. FML

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By ducky2721 - United States

Today, while working my overnight shift, I went into the isolation room to find some items for a former client. The door fell shut and the magnetic lock went to work. Both unit telephones and my cell phone were lying on the desk, and I waited four hours for my supervisor to rescue me. FML

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By Bouh - France - Paris

Today, as every day for the past few weeks, my husband won't have sex. His reason? We've decided to have a baby, and he reckons that the longer he waits, the more competition there will be between his sperm and thus the better the result will be. FML

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By limeychefboy

Today, I was on my motorbike 200km from home in the middle of nowhere when I needed to poop, so I found a wooded area and did my thing. As I was climbing back up, I knocked my helmet from its perch and watched it roll right into what I’d just left. FML

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By What am I doing with my life? - United States - Aurora

Today, I collected my students' final essays. One of them submitted a printout of a screenshot he took with his phone. Too bad a browser address bar was still in the shot, along with a "click to read more" link at the bottom. My students are too dumb and lazy to even plagiarize properly. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mahwah

Today, while attempting the Italian Chandelier with my girlfriend, I heard a popping noise, and then had a sharp pain in my dick. Turns out I "broke" it. Instead of calling 911 immediately, my girlfriend remarked how my now black and blue penis looked like a Smurf. FML

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By hiitisbrooke - United States - Dearborn

Today, I texted my friend asking if he'd like to join my "porno group". I meant promo. I quickly texted back correcting the mistake, but not before I received the nudes he sent. FML

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By Briscuit - Canada - Pitt Meadows

Today, I was granted a donation to pay for a creative writing course. When I told my mom she couldn't even muster a smile. She found her excitement later, however, when she posted how proud she was of me on Facebook. I can only get praise through my mom attention-whoring on social media. FML

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By Lizzie - United States - Rockford

Today, we had a get together for work at a restaurant I've never heard of. After spending all week trying to make a good impression on my new boss and co-workers, I showed up in a pair of shorts and a Star Wars T-Shirt. Turns out it was one of the fanciest restaurants in town. FML

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By manda8484 - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I've been crushing on for a while. When he dropped me off, I said thank you and that we should do it again sometime. He replied, "Yeah, maybe next Halloween." FML

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By JoanT - 14/7/2020 09:43

"Nice alarm you've got there"

Today, I woke myself up by pinching my nipple between my elbow and the bed. This isn’t the first time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cottonwood

Today, my boyfriend canceled his plans to attend my father's wake, not even 10 minutes after he found out there won't be any alcohol on offer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left my dog alone in the house for ten minutes while I took a shower. When I got out I found a mess of dust all over the floor and her ripping up a package that was supposed to be sent to my aunt. It contained my grandmother's ashes. FML

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By UnderConstruction - Canada - Pickering

Today, I wrecked my car and got rushed to the emergency room. While strapped to a gurney, a nurse reached in my back pocket, grabbed my wallet and pulled the velcro keeping my wallet shut. The entire room immediately started laughing as condoms and loose change went flying everywhere. FML

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By daddoesn'tknowbest - United States

Today, I overheard my husband talking to our 6 year-old about animals for a project. I listened, thinking it was cute, until my husband said gleefully, "Remember to say this in your project: octopuses have 8 testicles." FML

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By ilikemusicokay - United States

Today, I was going to the bathroom at work. Since I knew it would take a while, I brought my iPod in for entertainment. To bad it disabled me from hearing the continuous knocks on the door as well as the manager eventually picking the lock and busting in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Athens

Today, I wore a bikini to the lake with my parents. I didn't know that my back was covered in bruises, and ended up having to awkwardly explain to my parents that I am not in an abusive relationship; the bruises came from the sex I had last night. FML

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By WaffleMan - United States - Stirling

Today, I was in a business meeting. I was giving a Powerpoint presentation to my boss and a few other associates. Then a notification popped up in the middle of my presentation reminding me that I needed to renew my pornhub subscription. FML

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By Livingthedream

Today, I got home from a long day of work and saw a pile of dog puke on the kitchen floor. I went to get paper towels and found a pile of dog shit. With my foot. Both of my kids were home all day and left the piles for me to clean because "that's gross". FML

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By Lunar-Spice - 16/12/2020 04:54 - United States - Midlothian

Teddy is always there for you

Today, and for the past month, I'm so lonely that I fall asleep holding my teddy bear's paw for comfort. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I woke up to the smell of bacon. It smelled so good, and made me very hungry. Then I realized it was my neighbor cooking. I have no money or bacon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend got the breast implants she's been wanting for the last 5 years. When I went to pick her up at the hospital she said, "Maybe I can find a guy with a real job now!" I paid for her fake tits. FML

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By imaginationdarling - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was at my retail job and we had to change the mannequin's outfit. I had to hold her while my manager grabbed the new outfit. I rested my head on her naked plastic chest, and it was the closest I've got to affection in years. FML

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By moobysrocks - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend out bowling. The place was not only packed, but on my very first attempt, I stumbled and landed flat on my "sugarbuns" about 6 feet down the lane. Everyone pointed and laughed hysterically, including my girlfriend, who was on the floor almost in tears, enjoying my pain. FML

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By Jaxter - United States

Today, I was walking up to girlfriends house when her terrifying Marine Corps dad threw a football at me. Not being very athletic i surprised myself by catching it. He gestured for me throw it back and i watched it spiral wildy to the left and hit my girlfriends mom in the face. FML

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By notcool - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend upset because my best friend has begun stripping to pay for school. His response was, "Where and what time does she work?" FML

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By anon - United States - La Puente

Awkward conversation

Today, I had to have a very difficult and awkward conversation with my best friend about her fiancé hitting on me. She seemed completely unfazed and ended up admitting that a three-way with me was actually her idea, but she didn't want to "weird me out" by asking me about it. FML

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By lifesmells - Canada

Ouch

Today, I learned that when blender jars aren't locked, they fly off the blender, into the air, hit you in the head and explode all over your kitchen. Today, I also learned that after I'm attacked by a flying blender, the first thing my boyfriend asks is if I'm still gonna make him a smoothie. FML

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By BUSTED. - United Kingdom - London

Today, I punched a drunk woman who kept trying to force herself onto my husband. She turned out to be an off-duty cop. FML

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By laurwitharawr - United States

Today, my daughter was feeling sick. She threw up on the floor. As I was cleaning up her vomit, she threw up on my head. Twice. FML

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By Purple-jacket

Today, I graduated with a CS degree and a certification in networking, only to make $12/hr. Guess some trade jobs are worthless now. FML

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By life// - Canada - Fort Mcmurray

Today, I was walking my dog when he decided that he was too lazy to continue walking. It ended up with me looking like a crazy dog lady carrying my medium-sized dog home. FML

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By Hide -n- Seek - United States - Grand Prairie

Hide and Seek

Today, someone left a note on the front door saying "Let's play Hide and Seek". Who ever left the note apparently took my tires off my truck and scattered them. So far, I found one in my pool, and 2 outside my neighborhood. I still can't find the last one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went upstairs to scold my boys for running in the house because someone could get hurt. As I turned around to come back downstairs I tripped and fell all the way down to the landing at the bottom. I could hear them laughing in their rooms. FML

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Top comments

By ams_fml | 0

#13507 - Wednesday 4 March 2009 1:40

don't worry, she's probably blind anyway.

By GameRater01 | 0

#13505 - Wednesday 4 March 2009 1:39

That is a crazy lady.

COMMENTS

By GameRater01 | 0

#13505 - Wednesday 4 March 2009 1:39

That is a crazy lady.

Reply

Hgielad_720 | 0

#1568781 - Tuesday 19 October 2010 3:38

omfE. I'm so sorry. Haha but that is really terrible :(

Reply

IanTheKorean | 8

#6655230 - Friday 22 July 2016 14:55

wut is this comment

By ams_fml | 0

#13507 - Wednesday 4 March 2009 1:40

don't worry, she's probably blind anyway.

Reply

lilyenid | 0

#1014365 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 0:37

and if she not, well good luck!

By jamieallover | 0

#13508 - Wednesday 4 March 2009 1:40

wow. maybe it is a good thing she's dying.

By McLaughlane | 0

#13520 - Wednesday 4 March 2009 1:43

ouch :( That's mean, I'm sorry.

By cp2292 | 0

#13521 - Wednesday 4 March 2009 1:43

Next time be less ugly

By sara942 | 0

#13522 - Wednesday 4 March 2009 1:43

LOL at #3! Whatever, maybe she's just jealous that you're young and healthy. Horrible, I know, but why else would someone say such a rotten thing to your face?

Reply

Lahir | 0

#1015957 - Wednesday 2 June 2010 2:36

lol maybe she had an ugly face?

By Blank_fml | 0

#13530 - Wednesday 4 March 2009 1:45

ignore the old c**t she was probably a whore anyways

By daniellerose | 0

#13532 - Wednesday 4 March 2009 1:46

maybe she was just trying to help her grandson out a little?

By jayhawk63 | 0

#13544 - Wednesday 4 March 2009 1:48

Oh she's awesome.
I hope I say shit like that when I'm old.

By burdenofaday | 0

#13547 - Wednesday 4 March 2009 1:50

@#9: I'm going to go out of my way to say shit like that when I'm old. Nothing to lose!