Animals: Today, I walked under a tree and heard birds chirping from above.... - FML

By lbg2msf - 06/11/2013 18:08 - United States - Biloxi

Today, I walked under a tree and heard birds chirping from above. I stopped and looked up, only to catch a face full of bird shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 778

You deserved it 9 479

Commando

Own it

Seize the day

By Ted - 06/06/2019 18:00

Today, I finally felt comfortable enough to fart in front of my boyfriend for the first time. He went quiet, got up and left in his car. I haven't heard from him in 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 097

You deserved it 440

By CaityLovesBo - 05/02/2012 18:49 - United States

Today, my mom went to the store. She said she was feeling generous, and had gotten everyone a little treat. My brothers each got candy and a movie. I got acne medication. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 579

You deserved it 3 519

By Anonymous - 14/03/2012 19:31 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was masturbating, and out of the corner of my eye I saw a figure. It was my neighbor staring at me through the window with a total look of disgust. I moved in this weekend and hadn't yet introduced myself to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 820

You deserved it 32 942

By Binks - 23/11/2018 09:30 - United States - Bonneau

Today, my dad took away my Xbox because "You never do anything active." I had just run a 5K. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 867

You deserved it 229

By anonymous - 16/10/2014 20:53 - United States - Canton

Today, I walked into my house and saw it was flooded. I went upstairs to the bathroom to see the toilet overflowing and my boyfriend holding my dog over it so he could drink it. My boyfriend said he didn't know what else to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 057

You deserved it 4 042

By very punny - 03/09/2014 03:18 - United States - Odenton

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend with a ring from Kay Jewelers. She saw the box, started giggling, whispered, "'Kay", and then started laughing so hard at her joke she had to excuse herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 539

You deserved it 6 397

By Username - 16/02/2012 23:30 - United States

Today, the couple with three noisy toddlers in the apartment above mine finally moved out. A couple with a non-stop crying newborn moved in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 026

You deserved it 3 116

By shnigel - 27/02/2010 20:04 - United States

Today, I got sent out of the class for "inappropriate" behaviour. The teacher later forgot about me and sent a notice home to my parents stating that I skipped class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 346

You deserved it 7 298

By ice cream dude - 10/08/2012 13:58 - United States - Denver

Today, I finished my first two weeks as an ice cream truck driver. Now I can't get that annoying ice cream truck music out of my head. It's even in my dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 921

You deserved it 4 319

Zapped

By joey - 09/03/2020 05:00

Today, my mom decided to try her new taser on me while I was asleep on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 763

You deserved it 119

By loser - 29/10/2008 11:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I told a friend that he looked smarter with his glasses on. He took them off and said "oh, and now you look more handsome". FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 321

You deserved it 41 971

By DDRFreak - 19/03/2015 21:49 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I was playing Dance Dance Revolution in an arcade when a woman came up and asked me if playing it was my job. I laughed but then realized that it is actually the closest thing I have to a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 598

You deserved it 7 630

By Michael tee - 11/08/2011 20:11 - United States

Today, I asked my dad if I was a planned baby. He asked me if the crazy drunken party he and my mom had nine months prior to my birth counted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 318

You deserved it 5 008

By Anonymous - 09/04/2016 15:26 - United States - Newville

Today, the nerves for my finals got so bad that I started stress-cleaning in my dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 353

You deserved it 1 523

By barface - 11/01/2012 02:52 - United States

Today, while very sick, throwing up in a bucket beside my bed, my dad came in pushed my face into the bucket. For a laugh apparently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 775

You deserved it 2 795

By Anonymous - 07/05/2013 20:17 - United States - Canton

Today, I turned 35. Because I'm still single, my sister bought me a cat to help start my "inevitable collection." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 017

You deserved it 6 409

Pay up

By ShouldHaveLetHimTakeTheTV - 07/11/2009 17:01 - United States

Today, I got a letter in the mail saying I'm being sued by the guy that broke into my house last week. When I walked in and saw him, I tackled him, punched him in the face a time or two, and restrained him with zip ties. I now have to pay for his broken nose and face charges of assault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 183

You deserved it 4 894

By coffee - 07/03/2013 13:44 - United States

Today, after my coworker bought coffee for me for the fifth time, I thanked him and asked him why. Apparently it's the only way to get me to shut up in the morning so he can get work done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 024

You deserved it 37 017

Try to do a nice thing…

By Anonymous - 14/09/2019 04:01 - United States

Today, I mowed our lawn without being asked. My sister wouldn't stop yelling at me for not checking with her, because she wanted the grass to get long enough to "play jungle" in. My mom sided with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 781

You deserved it 116

By Anonymous - 14/02/2017 04:53 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend left me. I have no clue what to do with the holiday we have booked or the ring I was going to propose to her with on Valentine's Day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 085

You deserved it 626

By neighbor - 26/01/2014 13:08 - Australia - Mosman

Today, I was helping my elderly neighbor carry her groceries into her kitchen. When I finished, she sighed and said, "You're such a sweet girl. It's just a shame about your face." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 821

You deserved it 4 001

By Anonymous - 13/02/2014 01:12 - United States - Coraopolis

Today, the boy who sits next to me in class accidentally dropped his sketch pad. It turns out he's really talented at drawing portraits. They're so good that I could recognize myself in all of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 238

You deserved it 7 725

By wastedlove - 23/06/2009 15:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had sex with this guy who I like very much. As he went to leave I decided to give him one last thrill. So I reached down his pants and started to rub and stroke him. He abruptly pulled my hand out, when I asked why, he points behind me, my mom watched the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 999

You deserved it 73 677

By notgay - 12/02/2013 02:30 - United States - Alfred

Today, I was walking with my friend. The girl in front of us had a really nice ass, so I turned to my friend and said, "Damn, she has a perfect ass." He replied, "That's a guy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 510

You deserved it 38 917

Nature calls

By Anonymous - 03/10/2019 16:00

Today, I had to use a drop hole toilet while camping. The smell will haunt me for the rest of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 051

You deserved it 620

Just because you can don't mean you should

By Anonymous - 10/12/2020 20:06 - Nigeria

Today, I got stuck in my washing machine. When my sister saw me, she just left me there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 305

You deserved it 744

By PrettyScared - 29/07/2013 15:07 - United States - Matthews

Today, my step-brother said to me, "If we weren't related I would fuck you so hard." Mom says I should "be grateful for such a nice compliment." FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 515

You deserved it 6 029

Let's say, hypothetically…

By Anonymous - 08/12/2014 04:35 - United States - Long Beach

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend gave me a long, philosophical explanation about how he doesn't love me, but we should still have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 735

You deserved it 3 847

By Anonymous - 28/09/2011 21:52 - United States

Today, the boy I like came to my house with a dozen roses to ask me to homecoming. My uncle chased him down the street with a pitchfork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 754

You deserved it 2 761

By Ugggggggggg - 06/11/2012 05:11 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I woke up with a wax strip on my chest and my girlfriend sitting next to me on the bed laughing. She pulled the strip. I screamed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 509

You deserved it 4 842

Time marches on

By Anonymous - 05/01/2021 00:58 - Canada - Brandon

Today, after looking back at our high school photos, I told my fiancée I’ve been scared lately that I’m getting uglier with age, and that I was much prettier back then. He got really quiet, and then agreed with me.. I’m only 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 732

You deserved it 237

By please knock - 13/09/2016 23:26 - United States - Needham

Today, I went in the one-person bathroom at work to pee. Next thing I know, a woman forced the locked door open and walked in on me, because she didn't believe another person who said, "I think someone is in there." I'm reluctant to use that bathroom in the future. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 405

You deserved it 1 208

By Anonymous - 21/05/2012 11:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the orthodontist's to get my braces tightened, and I chose baby blue bands. Turns out they make my teeth look extremely yellow. Only a month and a half to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 657

You deserved it 4 808

By fuckoffandfuckoffagainyoucunt - 17/08/2012 16:27 - United Kingdom - Sittingbourne

Today, I was at the gym, when a pretty overweight guy started staring and eventually taunting me. Let me tell you, lines such as "Lay off the cake, fatty!" and "I can see your gut hanging out your ass, for fuck's sake!" don't exactly boost one's self-confidence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 532

You deserved it 2 755

By hatemyjob - 23/06/2011 18:13 - United States

Today, I discovered that even though I now have a key to get into the office, I don't know the code to shut off the alarm system. I showed up early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 675

You deserved it 4 030

By Anonymous - 15/05/2018 15:00

Today, my stepmother proved once again that she likes to play favourites. She has no job, so anything she gifts comes from my dad’s account. On my last birthday, I got £5 on a cheap card. Today, my step-brother's birthday, he got £400 and an iPad. He’s 4 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 402

You deserved it 223

By BoredRunner42 - 07/09/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, I had a great time with a girl I liked. I asked her out and she said yes. She also said she cuts herself and if I ever broke up with her, I'll be responsible for her death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 535

You deserved it 6 556

By Anonymous - 23/07/2009 07:00 - United States

Today, I saw an elderly man struggling to make it across a busy street. I jumped up from my table at Starbucks to help him, leaving my things behind. When I got back to my table feeling good, I found that my coffee had disappeared. So had my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 300

You deserved it 25 638

By Anonymous - 30/03/2012 07:45 - Australia - Perth

Today, I woke up to what sounded like twigs snapping. Turns out it was the skull of a live mouse being crushed in my cat's jaws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 203

You deserved it 2 724

Classic sting

By Anonymous - 25/01/2021 23:01 - Canada

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to prank my friend. When he came to pick me up in his car, I pulled up my mask, put on my toque, got in the back seat and yelled "This is a robbery! Don't talk! Drive now!" I'd hopped in the back of the wrong car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 200

You deserved it 1 507

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Thursday 7 November 2013 0:28

I hope you didn't have your mouth open

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Thursday 7 November 2013 0:29

Damn, it's only Wednesday and you're already getting shitfaced? I wanna party with you, OP!

Comments

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Thursday 7 November 2013 0:27

So many puns to be made

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Thursday 7 November 2013 0:37

Maybe you should of tried it.

Soniye 14

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Thursday 7 November 2013 0:55

Shitfaced already are we now OP ?! Lol

swaggalikethat 22

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Thursday 7 November 2013 13:41

Birds: Chirp chirp (hey Op,look up!) Op: "looks up, gets shitted on" Birds:"laughing, high fiveing each other, fly away" Shoulda blew those little bastards right outta the sky, that would show them

x_the_lancer_x 13

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Thursday 7 November 2013 0:28

Ehh, you gotta be careful about those things! But still, there really wasn't anything you could have done about that. FYL!

michaelaranda 28

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Thursday 7 November 2013 0:39

op could've just kept walking. still, its not a ydi.

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Thursday 7 November 2013 0:28

I hope you didn't have your mouth open

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Thursday 7 November 2013 0:32

Yup facefull is so much better than mouthful haha

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Thursday 7 November 2013 0:36

Lol just Google "Reporter Bird Poop"

BoltTheSuperdog 22

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Thursday 7 November 2013 8:49

#15 Exactly what I thought of!

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Thursday 7 November 2013 0:28

Shhhhh! It's just some sticky snow

Daryen_rawwwr 7

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Thursday 7 November 2013 0:28

what a SHITTY situation. First pun c;

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Thursday 7 November 2013 0:31

This pun is so fucking overused; I'VE HAD IT!

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Thursday 7 November 2013 0:36

You just had to add "First pun" at the end, didnt you..

cuppycakeslove 20

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Thursday 7 November 2013 0:36

Just stop.

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Thursday 7 November 2013 0:40

See this is why aliens won't talk to us

PenguinBitch 43

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Thursday 7 November 2013 0:59

@5 First pun and your last

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Thursday 7 November 2013 0:59

Exactly, what if the first transmission they get is Honey Boo Boo and they are so repulsed by the human garbage they are so they just blow us to fiery hell with their mega laser.

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Thursday 7 November 2013 9:00

I would be afraid to see the FML that this pun does not get buried for

neuroticallyyour_fml 17

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Thursday 7 November 2013 16:23

No, just no.

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Thursday 7 November 2013 0:29

Damn, it's only Wednesday and you're already getting shitfaced? I wanna party with you, OP!

lissa_jade 22

Thursday 7 November 2013 0:33

did you honestly expect that NOT to happen ?

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Thursday 7 November 2013 6:17

Yes?

Jseldi 10

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Thursday 7 November 2013 0:33

I think you scared the shit out of it :/

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Thursday 7 November 2013 0:33

I just hope none entered your mouth or eyes

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Thursday 7 November 2013 0:33

Struck by flying shit. Theres a more majestic way to think of it.

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 50

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 4

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 270

You deserved it 57