Love: Today, I was walking with my crush, and I told him how I felt.... - FML

By crazystar69 - United States

Today, I was walking with my crush, and I told him how I felt. As soon as I turned to him, a bird shit on my face. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Out of it

Leave me alone!

By Anonymous - 4/8/2020 20:01

How's the diet going?

Today, I bought 3 buckets of expensive low-calorie ice cream because it was on sale, only to discover it tastes rather awful. I thought I liked that stuff… Oh, I remember now, I did like it… After mixing it with lots of chocolate spread. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was being driven to get my wisdom teeth removed and I was panicking all the way there. When we got to the office, I was told that I'd been brought in on the wrong day, and that I have to do this all over again tomorrow. FML

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By Violated - United States

Today, I fell asleep on the train and accidentally wound up resting my head on a strange man's shoulder. When I woke up, I discovered that not only did he not object, but he decided to return the favor by resting his hand on my thigh. I was wearing a skirt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at school, I was crying because someone I knew had died. My teacher pulled me aside and said, "I understand you're socially awkward, but don't worry it gets better." FML

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By juli - Taiwan

Today, while I was driving my 27 year old boyfriend 8 hours to a Pokémon event, he realized he didn't bring his DS with him. He cried about it. FML

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By Anonymous - Indonesia

Today, I found out my daughter has a higher paid job in the same company I work in. I also found out she is dating my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2021 20:01

Evil always wins

Today, I was in the Walmart parking lot listening to some music in my car and some lady comes up to me and say, “Boy, the music you listen to is so unholy, I think you need some Jesus in your life.” FML

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By cjgreer70 - United States - West Linn

Today, I was told I looked like Beaker from the Muppets. After doing a side-by-side comparison, I realized it's true. FML

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By hunnydoll - United States

Today, while talking to my boyfriend, I was frantically searching for my cell phone. He was curious as to what I was doing so I told him. There was long silence followed by laughter. He could hardly breathe as he told me, "Honey you're on your phone talking to me." FML

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By Scumbagmemory - United States

Today, I was texting a guy that one of my friends told me about. She gave me his number and told me about how he was deaf. Three hours into great conversation I forgot and asked him what his favorite music was. FML

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By machismo - United States

Today, in preparation for proposing to my girlfriend, I borrowed one of her rings, so I could discreetly get her ring size. Not only have I now lost the ring, which turns out to be a keepsake of her dead grandmother, I still don't know her ring size. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, my boyfriend and I were downtown when he pointed to a girl and said he wished I dressed more like she did. She was obviously a hooker. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was shopping at a store from which I had previously bought a shirt. The clerk accused me of trying to steal my own shirt and called security. They examined it and argued with me for so long I was late to work. FML

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By cammy - 8/5/2021 05:59

How not to raise 'em right

Today, I learned that my 13 year-old daughter has been wearing the same pad for a week “because there’s no blood on it.” When I told her that it's still disgusting, she tried to defend herself be saying that, "no one ever told her how long she could wear it." FML

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By ohmylantis - United States

Today, my boyfriend was introducing me to some business partners. As he was going along telling me their names, when he introduced me, he called me by my best friend's name. FML

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By gullible - United States

Today, I travelled across an ocean to visit the guy I'm dating. He lied to me about his apartment; he lives in a dorm with a twin-sized bed and a bathroom he shares with 8 guys. Just now, after taking 3 trains from the airport to his "apt", he asked me to edit his essay while he goes to class. FML

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By eric - United States

Great chat!

Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML

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By Sean - Canada

Today, while my plane took off, I was forced to sit and watch as somebody rear-ended my car in the parking lot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Blacksburg

Today, my elderly neighbour told me why my other neighbours don't talk to me. I'm a massage/physical therapist and treat clients, mostly athletes, in my home. My neighbours saw the steady stream of young, buff guys coming to my house and concluded that I'm a gay prostitute. FML

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By notapervert - United States - Santa Rosa

Small talk fail

Today, I managed to score a date for the first time in over a year, and was very nervous. When I was asked what I do for a living, I laughed nervously, and then blurted out, "Finger women." What I was trying to jokingly say was that I'm a gynecologist. FML

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By whyme - 16/5/2021 20:01

Economic abuse

Today, I got my first tattoo. I felt good about it, until I told my mom, who was not happy. She responded by taking me out of her car insurance policy, family plan, and charging me for rent every month since I, "wanna be all grown up now.” FML

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By ow - United States

Today, while I was running in a cross country meet, a bug flew into my right eye. Then, a bug flew into my left eye. Not wanting to lose a neck-and-neck sprint, I tried to run blind. I hit a pole. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my last day with my boyfriend before he went to college. At the store, he got a huge box of condoms. When I asked why he was getting so many, he said they were for the girls he meets at college. He then asked me to steal them for him. FML

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By Ariel_Mariaa - Canada

Today, I went to see the latest Paranormal Activity movie with my mother. We were terrified and held hands at one point. The person sitting behind us thought it would be hilarious to abruptly scream into my mother's ear. She reacted by flailing and driving her arm straight into my face. FML

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By RingofFire - United States - Edenville

Today, I was standing on the patio when one of my upstairs neighbors threw a cigarette butt over the balcony. It landed on my head and burned some of my hair. FML

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By twelvie - Australia - Sydney

Today, my younger sister stopped talking to me. I got engaged to my boyfriend of 4 years and apparently, she's been in love with him since she met him. Through me. She's 12. FML

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By not getting any anymore - United States

Today, while I was making out with my boyfriend, he left my dorm suddenly without telling me where he was going. A few hours later, he texted me to tell me that being with me made him feel dirty and he had gone to confession. He then called me a sinner. FML

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By JohnFarrell - United States

Today, I was at the gym when I saw one of my friends at the water fountain. I went over and gave him a man ass slap while he was drinking. It wasn't my friend. I now have a black eye. FML

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By actor my ass - Canada

Today, trying to be romantic, I invited my girlfriend over to watch a movie. I said she could pick one up on the way, and I'd pay for it later. I ended up having to suffer through some "movie" that involved nothing but Nicolas Cage gurning like a stroke victim between crappy fight scenes. FML

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By Nick Nameous - United States

Today, I celebrated the new year. Alone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I was having a wet dream and had a pretty vivid imagination. I ended up thrusting so hard that it showed up in reality. I literally humped so hard that I woke myself up. Not only that, but I was sleeping on the living room floor so my roommates saw and now it's their joke of the day. FML

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By GabyLeann - United States

Today, while showering, I broke the cap off the shampoo. Not my shampoo, my roommate's. The $60 shampoo I swore I wouldn't touch. FML

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By kdgirl - United States

Today, my Grandmother gave me rosary beads for my birthday. She told me I better start praying for a husband. FML

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By Emma Five - United States

Today, my dad was driving me to college. I'd cracked a joke about how old people like him shouldn't be allowed to drive, and I guess he took it personally, what with him speeding straight up to the parking lot wall, and only braking after I started shrieking in terror. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2021 03:00 - Australia - Geraldton

Not the golden child

Today, my father retired and made sure to buy both my younger sisters and their partners near new cars. Despite only one having a licence. Then bought the bare minimal definition of a "functioning" car for me, as compensation for paying off the family car on my own. FML

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By peapapeanut

Today, after months of my best friend telling me we were going to be roommates and moving to a new city together, with me trusting her, she ditched me because “everyone” told her not to live with me. She’s still moving, and we’re going to be in the same school and class. FML

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By thekriss - France - Paris

Today, after my shift at the police station, I went on a date with a girl I recently met. We had a great date, that is until I opened the car door for her, and out of habit, pushed down on her head as she got in. FML

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By shit Music - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I forgot my headphones at home. When I got to work I found out that today was also the day the band next door had decided to practice their only song for 8 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2021 23:00 - United States - Kissimmee

Investing in the future

Today, after years of being underpaid, I received my first paycheck at my new job. My new employer offers excellent benefits and a 401k. But after I invest in all these wonderful things, and after a $4 an hour pay increase, my net income is less than before. FML

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By tooearly - United States

Today, I told my mom I was going to a New Year's party. She told me to be back by midnight. FML

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Top comments

By DocBastard | 38

#2166083 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 22:32

When people say not to get shit-faced on a first date, this is NOT what they mean.

By firegecko123 | 0

#2166060 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 22:25

OH DAMN!

COMMENTS

By capt_awesome1 | 11

#2166059 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 22:26

at least it's good luck ! (:

Reply

newfiegirl | 8

#2166136 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 23:27

a bird craping on you is good luck!? Lol

Reply

blackbird31 | 0

#2166153 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 23:38

crapping has two p's and shat is the past tense of shit.

By firegecko123 | 0

#2166060 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 22:25

OH DAMN!

Reply

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2166586 - Thursday 10 March 2011 3:18

It's a sign of love.

Reply

EatnBeef | 7

#2166970 - Thursday 10 March 2011 5:30

protect your face OP!!!!

Reply

rebekahmarie | 0

#2167133 - Thursday 10 March 2011 6:17

Even the bird thinks you're full of shit.

Reply

pokopiko | 9

#2167151 - Thursday 10 March 2011 6:22

Teehee, puns are so amusingly cheesy.

Reply

dre_bro11 | 12

#2167942 - Thursday 10 March 2011 12:11

Isn't it meant to be good luck if a bird shits on your head?

Reply

SassiestLemon | 2

#2170237 - Friday 11 March 2011 0:42

84- Yes, that's the just of it.

Reply

randomguy1millon_fml | 0

#2556801 - Tuesday 24 May 2011 7:13

must have been a shitty conversation

By blessthefall313 | 6

#2166061 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 22:26

aw that sucks

By Xx_Nikky_xX | 4

#2166063 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 22:25

lmao!

Reply

SchiTzenGiglez | 0

#2166649 - Thursday 10 March 2011 3:44

HAHAHA YES!! such a good FML. FYL Indeed.

Crap lost the game.

Reply

BuhZinga | 2

#2167935 - Thursday 10 March 2011 12:08

NOOO!! I haven't lost the game in over a year! >_< meanie face

By ktdad07 | 0

#2166065 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 22:27

That's foul.

Reply

charloemm | 7

#2166220 - Thursday 10 March 2011 0:21

No, that's fowl. haha

Reply

intheboot | 0

#2166244 - Thursday 10 March 2011 0:45

^win, lol

Reply

colffenstein | 0

#2170506 - Friday 11 March 2011 1:46

rofl... but yeah u spelled fowl wrong so it doesn't quite work

Reply

Perksofbeingawal | 0

#2171806 - Friday 11 March 2011 7:08

Your picture is beautiful. :) What an adorable child.

Reply

ktdad07 | 0

#2171877 - Friday 11 March 2011 7:41

97- Foul is spelled correctly for the context. (I don't do many written puns, I wasn't sure which version to go with for the sake of the joke)

103- Thank you.

By ehhbeek | 1

#2166066 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 22:27

what'd he say?

By ktdad07 | 0

#2166068 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 22:29

FML comments seem to be on the fritz, again.

By YacL | 15

#2166069 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 22:28

Lol, the bird strongly disapproves of your feelings. FYL

Reply

January8 | 5

#2166125 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 23:08

that made me laugh too many times out loud to myself at work

By riley322 | 0

#2166073 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 22:29

Dirty mouth? Clean it up with Orbit!

Reply

Rawr100 | 0

#2166111 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 22:53

dirty face clean it up with jizz

Reply

MichaelGood | 0

#2166478 - Thursday 10 March 2011 2:42

Or a facecloth, they work best

Reply

MdoAngel | 0

#2167410 - Thursday 10 March 2011 8:37

way to ruin it goodies

Reply

SassiestLemon | 2

#2170258 - Friday 11 March 2011 0:45

Way to ruin it, 19.

By SilenceIsSilver | 0

#2166077 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 22:30

Lmao maybe the bird thought the guy thought you were ugly and shat on your fayce so he didn't have to look at it xD if so, FYL.