Intimacy: Today, I walked in on my dad's poker game. He didn't know I was...

By Creepedout - 25/06/2013 01:27 - United States - Clearwater

Today, I walked in on my dad's poker game. He didn't know I was there, and was telling his friends what he would do to my girlfriend if I wasn't dating her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 034

You deserved it 4 664

Intimacy

Dysfunctional

The smell detective is on the case

You tried

So sorry I called you a dingdong

By Anonymous - 10/08/2020 17:01

Today, I sent a draft email to my boss. The receptionist, thinking they were being helpful, forwarded it straight to the client. It's not ready for the client. I mean, it is NOT ready for the client. Really, really not ready for the client. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 457

You deserved it 198

By Anonymous - 23/02/2016 05:16 - United States - Davis

Today, I realized that I will be leaving for the US Marine Corps in June, and the presidential election is in November. I could potentially be serving with Trump as my Commander-in-Chief. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 339

You deserved it 4 914

By Rob - 06/06/2012 16:02 - United States - Neoga

Today, after having sex with my girlfriend, I jokingly held the condom above my mouth. Somehow, the condom busted, and everything went over my face. Worse still, we're now wondering just how safe this condom really was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 716

You deserved it 42 457

By Anonymous - 06/10/2011 16:17 - Canada

Today, I was using the toilet and decided to check out some FMLs. One made me laugh out loud as my room-mate was passing by the bathroom. He now tells everyone my penis is so small it makes even me laugh every time I see it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 549

You deserved it 11 234

By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 19:51 - South Africa

Today, I arrived home to find my cat dead and note saying, "Sorry, I tripped over him." Not only is my cat dead, but I was robbed by a polite thief. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 744

You deserved it 3 098

By danikka1 - 11/03/2010 17:13 - United States

Today, I told my husband that after fifteen years of marriage, I wanted a divorce. His first question was whether or not he could still go on the family cruise my parents are paying for in May. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 024

You deserved it 10 467

By hahasuckit - 25/12/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, my friends and I were shopping for dresses. I asked the lady at the counter for a size 4, she looked at me and mumbled "Yeah right." in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 290

You deserved it 5 285

By Anonymous - 04/05/2013 21:44 - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, my neighbours' whiny emo of a daughter got dumped by her boyfriend. In her infinite wisdom, she's chosen to cope by playing on her recorder the worst rendition of "My Heart Will Go On" that I've ever heard. It's been going on all day. Now I know why he dumped this idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 114

You deserved it 9 288

Missed opportunities

By Anonymous - 13/07/2020 08:01

Today, I turned down a chance to go to a bar with a girl I like because I have an autoimmune disorder and don't want to get sick because of being irresponsible and obviously COVID 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 702

You deserved it 237

By JWags - 04/12/2018 05:00

Today, at 30 years old, my wife asked why I'm circumcised when my parents aren't religious. I didn't know I was circumcised. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 444

You deserved it 1 470

Technology hates humans

By Anonymous - 17/01/2021 11:01

Today, I had the house to myself for the morning. I decided to enjoy being alone, so pulled my trusty bullet vibrator from the drawer. I was very much into it, loving the alone time and myself, and was on the edge of climax when my vibrator died. This brought me to tears, because all I wanted to do was be alone and masturbate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 221

You deserved it 237

Oh, hi Sharon!

By graveyard-sh*t - 29/10/2019 14:00

Today, my psycho ex-girlfriend showed up at my new job to, "Keep an eye on me." The same ex-girlfriend who has been stalking me since we broke up. Two years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 877

You deserved it 182

By DJ - 11/12/2011 01:01 - United States

Today, my creepy, stalker ex-girlfriend was given an anonymous love letter. She's convinced it's from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 125

You deserved it 2 845

By spekledworf - 28/08/2012 02:57 - United States - Wrentham

Today, I discovered why the milk in my house has a funny, sweet taste. My family has been pouring the leftover milk from their cereal back into the carton. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 391

You deserved it 1 992

By michael - 14/02/2012 02:55 - United States

Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to take a dump out of a second-story window is a very bad idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 182

You deserved it 41 893

By Zxz - 08/04/2013 21:51 - Canada

Today, the power was out. I tried to explain to my boyfriend that he wouldn't be able to watch any TV until the power came back on. His response was, "But we have Netflix." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 180

You deserved it 6 243

Leeches

By Anonymous - 19/12/2020 01:04 - Iraq - Basrah

Today, I found out that if my husband and I move to another country to live, then his mom and sister will live with us too. I'm already living with them because of societal traditions. I like them and everything, but I really need some privacy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 892

You deserved it 290

By gtfb1993 - 02/12/2011 22:21 - Canada

Today, I was at the laundromat, when an attractive girl set up at the machine next to mine. She looked me up and down, then noticed the skid-marks on my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 669

You deserved it 42 371

By L_lives - 30/05/2015 05:40 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I realized out how sad my love life is when I got excited that the number a girl gave me turned out to really be hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 402

You deserved it 2 955

By shmoooopie - 29/05/2015 03:39 - United States - Medina

Today, for my birthday, my boyfriend made me a coupon book. I thought it was sweet until I noticed they were all conditional. For example; "Give your boyfriend a blowjob and he'll give you a 10 minute back massage!". They're all like that and he's mad because I refuse to use them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 443

You deserved it 3 858

By fartypeepee - 18/07/2009 10:48 - Australia

Today, I woke up feeling a tingling sensation on my testicles. I enjoyed it for a few seconds, then threw off the covers. Looks like there have been cockroaches in my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 310

You deserved it 10 441

By Anonymous - 01/07/2015 19:09 - United States - Tampa

Today, my flight was at the other side of the airport. I ran to the gate, to find that the flight had moved to the other side of the airport. So I ran again to miss my plane by a minute. However I did get a new flight... at the other end of the airport. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 995

You deserved it 1 941

By no_service - 19/06/2009 17:57 - United States

Today, my phone died. I plugged it in to charge and then went out to run some errands. When I returned, my phone was no where to be found, and our shovel was on the floor, muddy and wet. I then discovered my 6-year old son had buried my "dead" 200$ palmpilot because he had felt sorry for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 566

You deserved it 6 982

By grann - 15/03/2010 01:39 - United States

Today, while walking to my car through the snow, I noticed the sunroof was open and 2 feet of snow had poured in. Angry, I opened the door to start cleaning. That's when I noticed all the wildlife that had taken refuge inside from the cold. Not only were my seat cushions wet, they were torn open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 849

You deserved it 26 243

By Anonymous - 24/04/2009 22:53 - United States

Today, I was looking at my recommendations on Amazon, which included several vibrators. Just a few days earlier I was looking at books on anger management. Amazon thinks I need to get laid. They're right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 747

You deserved it 9 011

By Anonameow - 26/02/2016 00:31 - United States - Nanticoke

Today, I'm recovering from surgery. Every time I laugh, it hurts so badly I start to cry, which hurts even worse and makes it difficult to breathe. The painkillers I'm on make everything seem funny. I laughed so hard at a dumb pun that I nearly passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 289

You deserved it 1 496

By tinaburrito - 26/01/2010 21:33 - France

Today, I found out my bank account was in the negative because my work gave me a check that didn't clear. I went to my bank to get a statement of charges so my job could reimburse me. They told me requesting a statement costs 8 dollars, which I don't have because my account is in the negative. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 155

You deserved it 2 632

Better out than in

By Anonymous - 06/11/2018 05:00

Today, my daughter told me her tummy hurt, but I assumed she was lying because she hates visiting grandma. About 20 minutes into the car ride, she got excited and said, "Mum my tummy doesn’t hurt anymore!" About 10 seconds later, the smell filled the car right up to the roof. It was diarrhoea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 701

You deserved it 3 649

By Anonymous - 30/08/2015 00:06 - Canada - Newmarket

Today, I found dog poop in my room that had probably been there for days. My girlfriend, who was watching the house, said she didn't realize it was there, because she thought it was the smell of her own farts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 632

You deserved it 2 192

By oxjessiiox - 11/10/2009 15:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to pretend to give birth in a play. I wanted to make it a realistic as possible but ended up crapping myself on stage by accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 036

You deserved it 29 734

By coloneltushfinger - 12/06/2019 16:00

Today, I did the best at-home manicure I’ve ever had. I took my time and it looked like it was done professionally. As soon as I put on the top coat and waited for it to dry, my stomach rumbled and I had to run to take a dump. The polish smeared everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 560

You deserved it 334

By Anonymous - 28/06/2013 18:07 - Egypt - Cairo

Today, I woke up to a flooded basement. That basement is my bedroom, so I'm completely surrounded by water. All I need is a tiger and this would be like The Life of Pi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 607

You deserved it 3 861

Welcome to the world!

By Anonymous - 01/04/2020 08:00 - United Kingdom - Aldershot

Today, I helped deliver the baby belonging to the woman my husband left me for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 442

You deserved it 136

By ashdk - 28/01/2011 09:12

Today, my fiancé and I just moved into our first apartment together. Our neighbor across the hall? My ex-boyfriend who I've had to file three separate restraining orders on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 560

You deserved it 5 647

By Anonymous - 24/01/2015 20:26 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my husband came home, drunk and with lipstick smeared on his face. When I confronted him about it, he just slurred, "Ah don't worry babe, it ain't mine." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 133

You deserved it 2 929

By killmenow - 10/09/2012 17:52 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was out shopping, when I noticed a teenage girl with a double stroller picking up a pack of condoms. I couldn't help but mutter that it was a little late for those. A guy who must have been her boyfriend then stormed over and beat the shit out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 228

You deserved it 77 278

Excuses, excuses

By jenn - 24/10/2021 17:00

Today, my daughter didn't clean the bathroom today, even though I told her yesterday that she needed to do it. She claims she forgot, because, she’s "slept since then.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 675

You deserved it 191

By ssnickel - 07/07/2009 21:29 - United States

Today, I accidentally dropped my birth control pill on the floor and my dog ate it. The good news is, I startled her and she spit it right out. The bad news is, I still had to take it after it had been in my dog's mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 885

You deserved it 19 664

Disinterested

By lily - 13/09/2020 14:01 - United States

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I slightly opened my eyes during it and saw him with his eyes wide open, watching TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 309

You deserved it 313

By manymisfortunes - 04/10/2014 05:43 - Canada - Lachine

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have a quickie in the car. We had left a window open so it wasn't too hot, and I was holding onto the edge of the window, fingers hanging over. In the midst of it all, my boyfriend managed to close the window by hitting the button. My finger is broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 944

You deserved it 12 385

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Top comments

DerrickJames 33

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 11:47

Maybe he was bluffing?

Riya2595 15

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 11:50

You can use this against him later.

DerrickJames 33

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 11:47

Maybe he was bluffing?

itsmichellebitch 16

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 11:52

Bluffing with that great poker face.

Pleonasm 35

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 11:58

He said he would be "All in," and he even invited his poker friend over for a "three of a kind." His friend of course called him on that, and revealed that it was going to be a "full house" in her.

Ambient25 24

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:05

sounds like everyone has an Ace up their sleeves

Wizardo 33

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:12

Sounds like he was going to do a 'Royal Flush' in her. Sounds like OP got dealt a bad hand with his dad.

kriz_allizwell 6

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Wednesday 26 June 2013 3:35

Poker face. Poker face. He wanna poke her face.

SwaggCapone 11

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Sunday 30 June 2013 21:05

^ No

TeddyBeaRx666x 3

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Friday 21 August 2015 18:17

haha thank you. Was thinking the same

football98_fml 20

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 11:47

well you are dating her, so guess you guys are both safe

feelingold 18

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 13:33

Ahem, what 40-50 year old man doesn't occasionally let his mind drift toward the babysitter/ son's girlfriend/ neighbor's daughter? Though discussing it showed a major lack of respect..

nurchok 15

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 17:08

On the other hand, he basically commented on her beauty. But I agree, FYL

pistachiopanda 19

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 11:47

Poker face like a champ!

jw90 18

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 11:48

Haha..awkward turtle

mixinitup 12

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 11:49

Cleveland: "That's just nasty"

Riya2595 15

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 11:50

You can use this against him later.

deepunder 17

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 11:51

Maybe he wants you to move out with her, instead of having a full house

mazzera_fml 7

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:01

Your dad's a donkey

robotiick7 23

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 13:40

For the people who thumbs him down and don't understand ass is another word for donkey so he just switched em

Pwn17 25

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 13:56

Ok, ass isn't such a bad word, but if he really wanted to get that point across without swearing, he should have used a synonym for the insult (like jerk or something). Calling someone a donkey is just... strange.

mazzera_fml 7

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 14:02

Actually its a poker term for a bad player

Pwn17 25

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 14:55

Oh.. Sorry, I'm not familiar with poker :p Well I feel stupid now.

Yellow_Fish79 11

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:04

Um... what.

Wizardo 33

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 15:35

OPs dad said he's going shag his sons gf, if she wasn't his gf. It clearly says this in the FML...

perdix 29

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:06

Poker?

perdix 29

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 12:26

#13, did I have to spell out "poke her?"

TheDrifter 23

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 14:10

Yup. Liquor in the front, poker in the rear.

perdix 29

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 15:02

#31, haha, that phrase crossed my mind, too, but I was gunning to post the Second-Best One-Word Comment of All-Time (imma let you finish). First place is a tie for every time that "YOLO" has been the perfect comment. :D

TheDrifter 23

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 15:38

Lofty goal, trying to beat out "ouch", "damn" and the venerable "ermahgerd".

perdix 29

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Tuesday 25 June 2013 16:31

#41, WTF is an abbreviation, not an acronym. I learned from the late, great George Carlin that an acronym is an abbreviation you can pronounce as a word. The way he put it was: "The IRS, CIA and FBI are not acronyms. They're just pricks." RIP, George!