Intimacy: Today, I walked in on my dad giving my mom a striptease. FML - FML

By SCARRED - United States - Kansas City

Today, I walked in on my dad giving my mom a striptease. FML

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Dangling modifier

Reverse psychology

It's the thought that counts

By Foot In Mouth - United States - Bentonville

Today, while meeting a new client, their assistant said I looked familiar. Before my brain could stop me, I blurted out, "I do porn." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but when I took out the ring it flew out of the box and disappeared. She's been crying for 3 hours and I'm down 2 grand. I still don't know what her answer is. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's thinking I had a UTI. Turns out I have an STD. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom put a candle on in the living room. She told the family "how much she loved it!" My mom then went on the tell us that my dad got it for her and it must have been some cheap candle. I bought the candle as a gift for her on her birthday. Thanks mom. FML

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By thanksbaby - United States

Today, my fiancé and I were cuddling in bed talking about our future wedding coming up. He leaned over seductively to tell me he got a present for me to ‘use’ on our wedding day. It was a pack of breath mints. FML

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By Lonely - United States

Today, I had a date in my dreams. It was a pity date, with someone who is already taken. I can't even get a real date in my dreams. FML

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By Undersexed - United States - Washington

Bad sex

Today, my husband complained about my lack of sex drive. Gee, I wonder why, Mr. "Always comes first by humping for a whopping 30 seconds." FML

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By Single - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, my girlfriend showed me a print of a Banksy that she'd just bought, telling me it was an original. When I tried to argue that it wasn't, she broke up with me for "implying she was a moron." FML

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By running scared - Norway

Today, I found out that my violent ex has moved to my country for the sole purpose of tracking me down. I know this because my former boss called and told me she gave him my address. She loves the idea of us getting back together because, "You are such a cute couple!" FML

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By has-evil-friends - United Kingdom

Today, I had six friends round for pizza. When I went to answer the door to the delivery, my friends turned off the lights and pretended they weren't there when I shouted for help carrying all the food. Not only does the cute delivery guy think I'm greedy, but also that I have imaginary friends. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my dad texted me, saying "My dicks so hard 4 u". I'm desperately hoping he meant to send that to his girlfriend instead. FML

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By sarahcurtis213 - United States

Today, I was at the library using a computer to order a package. A man sat down next to me mumbling to himself while staring at me. As I got up to go to the printer, he pointed at me and screamed, "I will burn you alive and enjoy it!" All of my info including my address was still on the computer screen. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I needed to call my mom to get some info so I dialled the number on my work phone. Not 2 seconds after, my cellphone rang. I got super pissed off because I hate when people call me on my cell at work. It was me. I'd dialled my own number. FML

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By Chronicus Ironia - United States

Today, I found out that my wife is leaving me for a tattoo artist. I was in rehab and she met him getting a tattoo as a surprise for me. FML

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By DENTALITY - Norway

Today, I caught my son trying to punch his own teeth out so he'd get more money from the tooth fairy. FML

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By dork - United States

Today, I found out my class was attempting to raise money for me through a bake sale because some girl spread a false rumor that I was raped and that my father was going to disown me. The whole school believes it and my biology teacher took me aside and asked if I needed someone to confide in. FML

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By uterus why

Today, I have realised that since I get laid so infrequently, every time I have sex now, it kickstarts my period. FML

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By crash - United States

Today, I went dirtbiking. While I was going down a hill, I spun out of control and flipped over my handle bars. I now have a sprained arm, multiple bruises and a crescent-shaped gash on my neck that looks like I was bitten. People are asking if my boyfriend and I were being frisky last night. FML

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By help me - United States - San Francisco

Today, I have watched the Elmo's World episode featuring balls ten times in a row. The toddler I'm watching screams if I put on something different. His mom just said she was stuck in traffic. She should be back in about five and a half more replays. FML

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By BagBoy - United States

Today, I was taking out a customer's groceries when he offered me a $5 tip. I told him I couldn't accept, since it's against store policy, but thanked him anyway. He called me an asshole just as my boss was walking to his car, who then yelled at me for it. FML

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By Carolyn Burnham

Today, I was at the local drive-thru with my boyfriend. While we were picking up the food, the asswipe at the window thought it hilarious to copy the scene from "American Beauty" and pretend that we were a couple and that I was cheating on him. My actual boyfriend believed it and won't talk to me. FML

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By insideout - United States

Today, I told my parents that I was going out with my boyfriend and they agreed to let me go as long as I was home by midnight. Did I come home on time? Yes. Was my shirt right side out? No. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, while I was fitting an elderly gentleman for a suit, he muttered all too loudly that he'd give his left nut for a reacharound. FML

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By takeshi

Today, I took my girlfriend to a restaurant we both like. By the end of the date, we were fighting and she angrily broke up with me. To make things worse, I got food poisoning. She didn't. FML

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By LT - United States

Today, the car I was in got pulled over by the police for making an illegal turn. I was in a cab. And he kept the meter running. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, after a surprise candlelit dinner and a two bottles of wine for my birthday, my boyfriend and I decided to take a sexy shower together. It ended with us both drunk, naked, and crying, wedged into a small tub together, talking about our dead pets. FML

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By mannnnn

Today, I went into work to change a shift I was unable to work. I phone the first person on the employee sheet and they promptly answer by saying "You still work here? I thought the manager fired you..." I was fired last week and have been showing up for shifts without anybody noticing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my iPod to Walmart to replace the battery. They tell me to call Apple. I go home again and call Apple. They tell me to call Walmart. I call Walmart. They tell me to bring it in. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, at my new job, some juvenile cockbite spiked my food with a laxative, as part of some kind of bizarre hazing ritual. The bastard got ratted out and suspended, but my arsehole now feels like it's been blown apart by a nuclear warhead. I thought this shit only happened in movies. FML

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By RDMdragoon - United States

Today, while deleting my ex-fiancée's account off my computer, I saved her pics. I found one of her with her now boyfriend in our bedroom. FML

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By elizabethyeo - Australia

Today, I was speaking to an old friend and I asked her how her mother was. She replied, "She passed away, you came to her funeral last month." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was talking dirty with my husband over the phone while he was out of town. I started to verbally act out his fantasy and got quite into it. I was returned with silence. Embarrassed, I tried to hang up. Turns out the call had already been dropped, five minutes prior. FML

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By Cinnanyan - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, due to me not looking, I accidentally bit an apple made of styrofoam that was meant to be a part of a display on the kitchen table. My roommates were there and me not wanting to embarrass myself by putting it back, I walked out, apple in hand, to throw it away elsewhere. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my 24-year-old brother again yelled at me for looking at him while he was on the toilet. It'd be easier not to if he didn't sit on the toilet with the door wide open, and if the bathroom wasn't directly opposite my bedroom. FML

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By maryann - 13/1/2021 08:01

Skinny love

Today, despite begging my parents to get food other than diet and weight loss stuff, they refused. I'm bullied for being skinny on a daily basis. FML

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By King.Dick. - United States - Windsor Heights

Today, I had to give a presentation at school about King Richard III. I realized too late that someone had changed his name to "King Dick" on all the slides. My little sister later broke into hysterics and confessed this had been her April Fool's prank. FML

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By thanks, fuckface - United States - Parachute

Today, just as I was about to orgasm, my boyfriend whispered, "Cum, my preciousssss" into my ear, in his scarily accurate Gollum voice. I think my clitoris just about withered away in despair. FML

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By dormlyfe - United States - Moraga

Today, I met new people at my dorm, only to find they already knew me because they listen to my boyfriend and me have sex all the time. FML

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By boogery - United States

Today, after putting a bag of dirty laundry in the laundry room to wait for an open washer, I came back to find a "free stuff" sign on all of my expensive jeans, new towels, and favorite sweatshirts. The bag was over half empty. FML

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By chocofreak - United States

Today, I work at a chocolate factory on the sanitation shift. I was under a machine cleaning and a spider fell on me. I started freaking out and a coworker thought I got caught in the moving parts and frantically pulled me out and alerted my boss. Turns out it was just a piece of caramel. FML

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Top comments

By sorta_sarcastic | 12

#6052045 - Saturday 30 August 2014 5:15

Serves you right. Always knock first.

By leopardwilliam | 22

#6052048 - Saturday 30 August 2014 5:15

That cannot be unseen

COMMENTS

By sorta_sarcastic | 12

#6052045 - Saturday 30 August 2014 5:15

Serves you right. Always knock first.

Reply

LaColombianita | 26

#6052063 - Saturday 30 August 2014 5:16

Hey they could have been in the living room for all we know.

Reply

lnheritance | 19

#6052203 - Saturday 30 August 2014 8:18

Perhaps they didn't put the traditional hat on the door knob. So FHL.

Reply

MountainGiant87 | 15

#6052242 - Saturday 30 August 2014 10:38

#9 I don't think I want to know

By leopardwilliam | 22

#6052048 - Saturday 30 August 2014 5:15

That cannot be unseen

Reply

StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6052108 - Saturday 30 August 2014 5:50

Especially, if he was using a pole...

*shudders

Reply

princesspeachxox | 18

#6052128 - Saturday 30 August 2014 6:06

At least he came in early enough to only see that!

Reply

theaaxis | 27

#6052139 - Saturday 30 August 2014 6:26

#20, I believe he supplied his own. ;)

By AvatheAvacodo | 9

#6052050 - Saturday 30 August 2014 5:15

-Bleaches Eyes-

Reply

girI | 20

#6052254 - Saturday 30 August 2014 11:21

But you cannot bleach the mind's eye...

By foxwasalamb | 24

#6052055 - Saturday 30 August 2014 5:16

whatever works for them

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6052369 - Saturday 30 August 2014 15:09

You pic is fucking creepy!

By DontClickOnMe | 28

#6052056 - Saturday 30 August 2014 5:16

Hahaha, hey, maybe you could learn something from him. Next time, knock!

By raisinbam | 13

#6052058 - Saturday 30 August 2014 5:16

At least that's all he was doing

By DarkPoet_fml | 5

#6052059 - Saturday 30 August 2014 5:16

Should of thrown some ones at him and left

Reply

MortenM | 17

#6052771 - Saturday 30 August 2014 23:38

Seems like the best solution. Plus obviously add hints to it all the time when you talk to him

By 23lf | 16

#6052061 - Saturday 30 August 2014 5:16

It's OK to cry now OP

By weveallbeenthere | 30

#6052065 - Saturday 30 August 2014 5:17

you just can't unsee some things.

By Awesomeaxel | 24

#6052068 - Saturday 30 August 2014 5:17

Just honestly say nothing and pretend it didn't happen. It is probably just as awkward for them.

Reply

elcee1987 | 18

#6052220 - Saturday 30 August 2014 9:18

Idk elephants in the room tend to grow over time, not shrink. Might just want to get it into the open. Maybe op can crack a small joke to ease the tension.