Animals: Today, I was woken up by my wife softly kissing me on the lips....

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was woken up by my wife softly kissing me on the lips. Half asleep, I kissed her back, before quickly opening my eyes and realising it wasn't my wife; it was my dog. FML

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Animals

There's no helping some people

Season finale

NRA fanboy

By maggu - Denmark

Today, my mom started referring to me as "The Bitch". When I asked her why, she said that I have always been a bitch, but I was never old enough for her to actually call me a bitch. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to a support group for my porn addiction. I was hoping I wouldn't recognize anyone there. The first person I recognized was my dad, and the second was one of my professors. FML

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By BruisedPride

Tumblr

Today, I fell down concrete stairs trying to plug my computer into an outlet. I now have a twisted ankle, scrape on my elbow and a huge scratch across my laptop. The best part? The outlet wasn't even working. FML

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By Craig - United States

Today, I was awarding medals to finalists in a school club. While putting one around someones neck, I ended up poking a girl in the eye. She tried to be a trooper by continuing to walk across stage but i guess her eyes got really watery because she missed the step and fell, breaking her ankle. FML

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By letdown13 - United States - Binghamton

Today, my husband told me to look for a honeymoon resort, since we had to cancel it last year. I looked everything up and got all excited. Just when I asked him for payment information, he said "April Fools!" April Fools was two days ago. FML

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By go fuck myself - United States - Tampa

Today, I can't decide what's worse: the fact that my mother found my vibrator or that, as a prank, she replaced it with a realistic tarantula replica. She won't tell me where it is. FML

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By MandMandM - United States

Today, while I was at my boyfriend's house, I got my period. About an hour after I tell him I just got my period, he impatiently says "Is it over yet?" FML

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By depressed - United States - Hull

Today, I finally told my dad about how I've been diagnosed with clinical depression. He began to recite a commercial for depression meds, but he couldn't finish because he was overwhelmed with laughter. FML

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By not telling you my name - United States - Elkhart

Today, I went to take a dump at work. The silence in the room was deafening, and I ended up singing to myself. After I proudly finished, there was a short silence, followed by a coworker in the next stall saying, "Um... don't quit the day job, Rick." I'll never live this down. FML

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By lauren_rox - Canada

Today, I was waiting at home for a phone call. While I was in the bathroom, the phone rang. I quickly stopped my business and ran out of the bathroom with my pants by my ankles. I leaped over the couch, tripping and then stubbing my toe while hopping to the phone. It was a telemarketer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to chase my dog all the way down the street, watching in horror as she proudly showed all of my neighbors my bra. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Berkeley

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me. I said yes. This caused him to panic, excuse himself, then take it back via text message a half hour later, claiming he'd been drunk. We live together. When he comes back home, it's going to be very awkward indeed. FML

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By RatCityChick - United States - Bellevue

Today, my grandmother said she's noticed that I've been very angry lately. She came to the conclusion that I "haven't been laid enough" and my boyfriend is "not doing his job." Thanks Grandma. FML

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By Mishti

Today, whilst on the toilet at the mall, I took my new designer sandals off as my feet were blistered. Not even a second later, a hand reached out from under the stall, grabbed my sandals and disappeared. I had to walk home a mile barefoot. In the burning heat. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I wanted nothing more than to go home and get into bed. While I was unlocking my front door, the flimsy key snapped off inside the lock. A locksmith was called out, who did nothing but sadistically guffaw at my misfortune and crack sarcastic jokes as he undid the lock. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Farmingdale

Today, I ran one of the hardest cross-country courses in the country. I'm a pretty good runner, and I was feeling confident for the first mile. Then the chipotle from last night's dinner hit, and my legs weren't the only thing running. FML

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By Alup132

Today, while delivering pizza, a customer got mad at me and accused me of not having a GPS, then cussed me out and hung up. The address he gave me was a parking lot with 6 cars, none of which were his. FML

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By Hoover

Today, my parents brought me to the doctor because I was faking a headache. One thing led to another, and it turns out I have a tumor pressing against my spine. FML

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By itrustedsnapeallalong - United States

Today, for the first time, I hugged the man I have been in love with for four years. It was a congratulatory hug at his wedding to my best friend. FML

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By jentea - Canada

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house waiting for him to get out of the shower. Bored, I sent my friend a picture of myself pretending to make out with his bear rug. After the photo shoot, I looked in the doorway to find his dad staring at me. FML

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By kitty - United Kingdom - Exeter

He Mad

Today, my grandpa yelled at me, telling me to stop being ugly and rude. I only asked if he could cut the watermelon. FML

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By Sabraynay

Today, my mom instructed me to never scream when being attacked by a rapist. Apparently it would only anger him, causing him to chop my boobs off and superglue my eyes shut. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Redding

Today, my daughter had the words "Always classy, never trashy" tattooed across her lower back in crappy cursive lettering. She doesn't understand the irony. FML

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By Dammit... - United States

Today, my mom told my dad to get me extra absorbent pads, very loudly, in a crowded mall. FML

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By bigbaby - United States - Saint Michael

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night and panicked because I couldn't find my blankie. I'll be 36 in a month. FML

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By phonesage - United States

Today, I went to meet the girl I'd been talking to online for a while, and fallen in love with. When I arrived at her house, my brother answered the door and took a picture of my shocked face. He and his girlfriend had planned the entire thing because I'm apparently the most gullible member of the family. FML

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By MICHAELTHEA - United States

Today, I was walking on the beach when I tripped. I was about to land on a kid's sandcastle, so I tried to dodge by leaning left to avoid it. Before I hit the ground, I noticed the many rocks I was heading for. FML

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Long thought

Today, I was on the toilet and jumped when I saw a face at the window. It was my own reflection. FML

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By Shrimpy

Today my girlfriend and her 3 friends walked in on me doing a solo performance on myself. They stood their quietly and videoed it unknown to me. And then afterwards laughed and made fun of how small I am. And to make it worse forwarded the video to everyone. Now everyone calls me shrimp. FML

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By phonebaby - United States - Stamford

Today, my friend asked me to order take out for him because he gets nervous on phones. I called a chinese restaurant, only to get nervous and hang up. FML

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By Tp - United States

Today, I walked four blocks with toilet paper hanging out of my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I was told I will be having twins; this came as a shock since there are no twins in my family. When I asked my mom about it, she said that she wasn't surprised and not to worry about it because she had "absorbed her twin" and that the problem would "take care of itself." FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, my boss walked in my office to see me busy making a little Post-it dress for my pen. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my cat let out the biggest moan I have ever heard, while we were both in the living room. My dad heard and accused me of watching porn. FML

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By justin_99 - Canada

Today, I was working at Tim Hortons. A lady was in line, and she couldnt make up her mind. 20 minutes later she finally decided to get something, and she reached in her pocket. I was hoping it was a tip, but she gave me a coupon for a haircut. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Owensboro

Today, I was at my boyfriend's grandmother's house meeting her for the first time. I excused myself to the restroom and as I walked out of the room I heard her say, "You could do a lot better. She's fat." Then I heard my boyfriend reply, "I know." FML

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By razzipost1 - Canada

Today, I came home from work to my basement flooding. With sewage. That wasn't from our house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was making instant hot chocolate from the hot water dispenser in the break-room at work, a coworker informed me that it was industrial "recycled" wastewater that was only supposed to be used for washing tools. Thanks. I've only been doing that every day for the past 8 months. FML

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By DrakeScott - United States

Today, I completed the arduous, nearly hour-long process of answering the eHarmony dating questionnaire, only to be told my answers were too "unique" for them to match me with anyone. I had chosen "the world" as my distance range. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Arlington

Today, my boyfriend is mad at me for causing him to fail a science test. Apparently he thought I was serious when I told him that homo sapiens were extinct because they were "homo". FML

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Top comments

By hornytoad13 | 15

#6050486 - Thursday 28 August 2014 15:53

He was just trying to get out of the mans best friendzone

By JasonUMN | 15

#6050482 - Thursday 28 August 2014 15:51

They say dogs are a man's best friend for a reason you know...

COMMENTS

By JasonUMN | 15

#6050482 - Thursday 28 August 2014 15:51

They say dogs are a man's best friend for a reason you know...

Way2Fast8 | 20

#6050567 - Thursday 28 August 2014 17:50

I've seen THAT in movies too many times

girI | 20

#6050884 - Thursday 28 August 2014 23:51

Classic

Dodger_fan16 | 11

#6051587 - Friday 29 August 2014 17:45

I bet that's the most tongue he's gotten in a while

By hornytoad13 | 15

#6050486 - Thursday 28 August 2014 15:53

He was just trying to get out of the mans best friendzone

BvbArmy_0 | 18

#6050975 - Friday 29 August 2014 2:36

YES

xBethanyC | 15

#6055253 - Wednesday 3 September 2014 5:05

I'm more concerned with the fact that his wife kisses like a dog.. or who knows, maybe his dog has had some kissing lessons?

By sarahmaxine | 19

#6050488 - Thursday 28 August 2014 15:54

Happened to my friend just a short while back lol

By MRVOlivia | 22

#6050492 - Thursday 28 August 2014 15:54

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Nyx7 | 24

#6050628 - Thursday 28 August 2014 19:27

Find*

_purepxrcelain_ | 6

#6051441 - Friday 29 August 2014 14:19

LMFAO ^^

milo_fml | 9

#6111953 - Friday 7 November 2014 3:21

What's so funny, #70??

By yung_dubbs | 9

#6050493 - Thursday 28 August 2014 15:54

You kept going right?

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#6050736 - Thursday 28 August 2014 20:19

The real FML here is that the dog stopped.

By DogeMan | 14

#6050494 - Thursday 28 August 2014 15:55

He just wanted some love

By salvorican | 24

#6050496 - Thursday 28 August 2014 15:55

So, who's the better kisser?

SmittyJA24 | 26

#6050523 - Thursday 28 August 2014 16:22

The dog.
I'm sure the dog used more tongue.

By ifoundalaska | 11

#6050502 - Thursday 28 August 2014 15:57

Well that's even better

By xXToxicPenguinXx | 12

#6050503 - Thursday 28 August 2014 15:57

Mans best friend at its finest

By eatinchocolate | 8

#6050508 - Thursday 28 August 2014 16:03

dogs give the best kisses