Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML
Today, as a 26 year-old woman, I had my first orgasm. I gave it to myself. None of my long-term relationships even came close. For almost 26 years I thought I would never have one. FML
Today, the only thing I got for my birthday was my boyfriend's offer to give me "the gift of anal". FML
Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML
Today, I got married. Tonight, I received the best orgasm of my life. Not from my husband; from the jacuzzi tub in our honeymoon suite, where he was passed out drunk. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My wife gave me a card that read, "You made it to 36!" It's my 35th birthday. FML
Today, at 26, I bought my first vibrator. I've never really masturbated before, because I've always been with a guy. I used it for the first time, and orgasmed in under 3 minutes. I guess this whole time the guys I've been with hadn’t in fact made me cum as much as I thought. FML
Today, it's my 35th birthday. My wife greeted me naked, and with an itemized list of what's off limits. A list of what was on the menu would've been much shorter and might have had better spelling. FML
Today, I received an early Christmas gift from my boyfriend of ten months. It was soap. In a few days he will be receiving his very expensive specialized car horn he has wanted for years, while I will be enjoying my new bar of Walmart brand soap, which has already begun to give me a rash. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend took me to dinner and near the end, he pulled out a long, rectangular box. Thinking it was a necklace, I got very excited. It was a wand. FML
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Top comments
kate08_fml 0
that is a serious FML comment right there. F your life ... seriously
silkee_shiny 0
Happy Birthday hun :)
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Comments (197)
Jade_Broute 0
Wow. Your life sucks. Try guys, they do better jobs than showers do. You're pretty sad, really. Wonder why you never got an ****** earlier?
Loony_fml 4
I'm sorry. Happy birthday! =/
ammali 0
Happy birthday! And it gets easier after the first one... the more you learn about what makes you ******, the better it gets from there. Heck, the shower heads beat 99% of guys anyway :)
Hummingbird114 0
Three words for you, honey: Hitachi magic wand. Google that shit.
FoundManyLemons 0
Common problem, but with all the tech out there, there's really no excuse. Get yourself one of these: http://is.gd/vFi7 and use it with yer menz, k? (without too, of course)
up4thebadguys 0
uhhhh freaking loser!!! ya sap
00001000100101 0
CONGRATULATIONS, your life is really ****** up. Haven´t you tried to get an ****** by yourself??
czm 0
#18 is right.... you suck. FYL
meepmeep_fml 0
Don't worry! Most of us have our first ****** with one of those fantastic shower heads. Men are mostly useless on the female ****** front.
leftie 0
Looks like youre throwing rocks tonight!