Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML
Today, as a 26 year-old woman, I had my first orgasm. I gave it to myself. None of my long-term relationships even came close. For almost 26 years I thought I would never have one. FML
Today, the only thing I got for my birthday was my boyfriend's offer to give me "the gift of anal". FML
Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML
Today, I got married. Tonight, I received the best orgasm of my life. Not from my husband; from the jacuzzi tub in our honeymoon suite, where he was passed out drunk. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My wife gave me a card that read, "You made it to 36!" It's my 35th birthday. FML
Today, at 26, I bought my first vibrator. I've never really masturbated before, because I've always been with a guy. I used it for the first time, and orgasmed in under 3 minutes. I guess this whole time the guys I've been with hadn’t in fact made me cum as much as I thought. FML
Today, it's my 35th birthday. My wife greeted me naked, and with an itemized list of what's off limits. A list of what was on the menu would've been much shorter and might have had better spelling. FML
Today, I received an early Christmas gift from my boyfriend of ten months. It was soap. In a few days he will be receiving his very expensive specialized car horn he has wanted for years, while I will be enjoying my new bar of Walmart brand soap, which has already begun to give me a rash. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend took me to dinner and near the end, he pulled out a long, rectangular box. Thinking it was a necklace, I got very excited. It was a wand. FML
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Top comments
kate08_fml 0
that is a serious FML comment right there. F your life ... seriously
silkee_shiny 0
Happy Birthday hun :)
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Comments (197)
TooMuchXbox 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Not to toot my own horn, but I come drama free and the package includes daily orgasms (3 weeks a month). Sorry, however. I am out of stock. (the point is .. um.. 'good luck'?)
903texmom1 0
wow...35 and first ever ******..with a shower head of all things?! ever heard of a viberator...works wonders!!
spamme 0
go sing in americanidol and become popular (it only works if youre damn ugly and can sing ok)
wilstylez_25 0
F your life well i guess not literally f your life because then there wouldn't be a FML but at least you've had one
mangoid 0
i love those shower heads, but seriously? Get a vibrator. or a sexual partner of some sort.
cbdee 8
I say all 3!
honeydoodles 0
Happy Birthday and congratulations! While I understand why it's FML, but to me it's more a happy thing...I'm happy the shower head worked for you!
rukusrazor 0
It's too bad, but I'm guessing there is some reason you have no friends and have never had a boyfriend / ******.
supafly208 0
Ouch... you need to get a human dick to do that for ya. you know what gets you off, so just tell him what needs to be done ;) Happy Birthday btw :) On the other hand, at least your first ****** was now, instead of later on in life.
Stay_beautiful 0
you're first? at 35? maybe you shouldn't be so antisocial and go out and find a real man/woman who can satisfy you. I'd give you my man, but I don't share.
sarah8909 0
After that long without one, do you honestly care how it was acheieved? I wouldn't lol