Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML
Today, as a 26 year-old woman, I had my first orgasm. I gave it to myself. None of my long-term relationships even came close. For almost 26 years I thought I would never have one. FML
Today, the only thing I got for my birthday was my boyfriend's offer to give me "the gift of anal". FML
Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML
Today, I got married. Tonight, I received the best orgasm of my life. Not from my husband; from the jacuzzi tub in our honeymoon suite, where he was passed out drunk. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My wife gave me a card that read, "You made it to 36!" It's my 35th birthday. FML
Today, at 26, I bought my first vibrator. I've never really masturbated before, because I've always been with a guy. I used it for the first time, and orgasmed in under 3 minutes. I guess this whole time the guys I've been with hadn’t in fact made me cum as much as I thought. FML
Today, it's my 35th birthday. My wife greeted me naked, and with an itemized list of what's off limits. A list of what was on the menu would've been much shorter and might have had better spelling. FML
Today, I received an early Christmas gift from my boyfriend of ten months. It was soap. In a few days he will be receiving his very expensive specialized car horn he has wanted for years, while I will be enjoying my new bar of Walmart brand soap, which has already begun to give me a rash. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend took me to dinner and near the end, he pulled out a long, rectangular box. Thinking it was a necklace, I got very excited. It was a wand. FML
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Top comments
kate08_fml 0
that is a serious FML comment right there. F your life ... seriously
silkee_shiny 0
Happy Birthday hun :)
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Comments (197)
dragonmystik3030 0
10 has all ready been reported. yeah that sucks is it a case of no good man or just no men at all
BigLord 0
Man...... that sucks hard. I feel so sorry for you :/ At least most of us get gifts for our birthday...
nat66623 0
WHAT!?
ChefBoy6382 0
congratulations on your ****** and birthday
lostathome 0
35? In all of these years, you've never taken time out to try and give yourself one until now? You sure as hell aren't going to have one with a man if YOU don't even know what you like or how to do it.
takemeaway10 0
LOOK, shower heads don't leave you in the middle of the night, or wake up next to you and push you out the bed. Shower heads don't give STDs or forget to pull out! Enjoy it!
ellameno 2
I gave you a "you deserved that" for waiting until you're 35 to ********** properly. That's pathetic.
MyBloodSings 0
Wow. I mean, I can't even...Wow. Um...Yeah. But, you know, just out of curiosity...What kind of shower head did you use? >.>
hurr 0
Sad, but at least you got your first ****** for your birthday =). That's a pretty good present, in my opinion! Talk about the gift that keeps on giving.
Endymion_fml 0
What, you didn't try to get one before this? What are you, lazy or stupid?