Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML
Today, as a 26 year-old woman, I had my first orgasm. I gave it to myself. None of my long-term relationships even came close. For almost 26 years I thought I would never have one. FML
Today, the only thing I got for my birthday was my boyfriend's offer to give me "the gift of anal". FML
Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML
Today, I got married. Tonight, I received the best orgasm of my life. Not from my husband; from the jacuzzi tub in our honeymoon suite, where he was passed out drunk. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My wife gave me a card that read, "You made it to 36!" It's my 35th birthday. FML
Today, at 26, I bought my first vibrator. I've never really masturbated before, because I've always been with a guy. I used it for the first time, and orgasmed in under 3 minutes. I guess this whole time the guys I've been with hadn’t in fact made me cum as much as I thought. FML
Today, it's my 35th birthday. My wife greeted me naked, and with an itemized list of what's off limits. A list of what was on the menu would've been much shorter and might have had better spelling. FML
Today, I received an early Christmas gift from my boyfriend of ten months. It was soap. In a few days he will be receiving his very expensive specialized car horn he has wanted for years, while I will be enjoying my new bar of Walmart brand soap, which has already begun to give me a rash. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend took me to dinner and near the end, he pulled out a long, rectangular box. Thinking it was a necklace, I got very excited. It was a wand. FML
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Top comments
kate08_fml 0
that is a serious FML comment right there. F your life ... seriously
silkee_shiny 0
Happy Birthday hun :)
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Comments (197)
h011ist3rguy 0
Well, the next step is popping your cherry, hahah!
Jaywin 3
So wait...do you just not get men or are the men you get just not pleasuring properly? Because there's a different between never having an ****** because you're an anti-social spinster and never having an ****** because you get with bad dudes. I'm gonna go with anti-social because by 35 SOMEONE would've given you an ****** if you were willing and trying.
Loe_307 0
#7 got me all excited!!
ducklamp 0
its not everybody's fault that you dont know your body as well as they know their own.
I_am_stupid_also 6
This one is pretty funny: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JuiXkBspGM
DizzyDemon0 9
Wtf...obviously you don't know the right kinda guys... Happy bday..and uhm..grats on the ******..i suppose.. Want to learn what it's really like?
Big_Kane 3
If you've never had an ******, you probably don't communicate very well with your sexual partners. Do so.
sammy813 0
is thsi really true? you didnt get any presents for your 35th bday. and u got ur first ****** at thirty five from a shower head. i cant even fathom what you look like. probably monstrous! so u have no friends. okay that was incrediously mean of me.
piguy314 0
I'm surprised it took you this long to bring yourself to ******. l2waterfall method in bathtub.
aerosparrow 0
#38 - the feeling I got from this FML is that she hasn't ever even had a sexual partner, what with the no friends giving gifts and all...