Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML
Today, as a 26 year-old woman, I had my first orgasm. I gave it to myself. None of my long-term relationships even came close. For almost 26 years I thought I would never have one. FML
Today, the only thing I got for my birthday was my boyfriend's offer to give me "the gift of anal". FML
Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML
Today, I got married. Tonight, I received the best orgasm of my life. Not from my husband; from the jacuzzi tub in our honeymoon suite, where he was passed out drunk. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My wife gave me a card that read, "You made it to 36!" It's my 35th birthday. FML
Today, at 26, I bought my first vibrator. I've never really masturbated before, because I've always been with a guy. I used it for the first time, and orgasmed in under 3 minutes. I guess this whole time the guys I've been with hadn’t in fact made me cum as much as I thought. FML
Today, it's my 35th birthday. My wife greeted me naked, and with an itemized list of what's off limits. A list of what was on the menu would've been much shorter and might have had better spelling. FML
Today, I received an early Christmas gift from my boyfriend of ten months. It was soap. In a few days he will be receiving his very expensive specialized car horn he has wanted for years, while I will be enjoying my new bar of Walmart brand soap, which has already begun to give me a rash. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend took me to dinner and near the end, he pulled out a long, rectangular box. Thinking it was a necklace, I got very excited. It was a wand. FML
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Top comments
kate08_fml 0
that is a serious FML comment right there. F your life ... seriously
silkee_shiny 0
Happy Birthday hun :)
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Comments (197)
AntiChrist7 0
men are willing to sleep with everyone. YDI for not knowing that
bluejean0991 0
I feel really sorry for you... but why would you wait until 35? I started experimenting at like 15 or 16... I'm still a virgin but I still ********** so it doesn't matter if you don't have anyone to do it for you (though it would be nicer) :]
UltimateIdiot911 0
@42 Are you sure? Maybe extremely drunk but most guys I know have some standards and being a guy myself, have standards too.
arienh4 0
Too crappy to be true. Honestly.
PaytonStray 0
My Parents were married 20 years and my dad never gave my mom a single ****** in their entire marriage. It can definitely happen.
Drunkbunny 2
Those who are saying she must not have any friends or a sexual partner don't know what it's like to be in your mid 30s or above. If you're still single then, your married friends don't hang out with you any more and it becomes increasingly hard to meet men. Also, many women have had sex but not orgasms. I went to Catholic school and that's the standard there. :) Honey, I have three words for you: Hitachi Magic Wand.
ohdamn_fml 2
Boyfriend. Get one
so1337 0
how do you fail this hardcore at life? failing this much takes a lot of dedication...
kellster 2
I'm really sorry. :( I mean, yay for having something in your life that will give you a little joy where it counts, but how do you not have any friends? Did you do something to scare everyone away? Your family? That's really sad. Maybe you should join some kind of club, or dork it up in some kind of online group. There are people out there for you, platonic and otherwise! I hope you find some of them!
eliz3 0
That is incredibly lazy on your part to not to achieve an ****** by 35.