Kids: Today, I had to explain to my brother why it's not OK to stick... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 46

You deserved it 9

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 743

24/09/2013 00:05

Today, I had to explain to my brother why it's not OK to stick his knob in the toaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 222

You deserved it 3 293

Dysfunctional

Leave us alone

Weird reason to leave, but OK

29/08/2011 08:33

Today, my mum gave me half-raw chicken for dinner. After she refused to cook it again, I threw it away saying that I didn't want to get salmonella. She told to be more grateful, and that I was an idiot for trying to use salmonella as an excuse because 'it's chicken, not salmon'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 041

You deserved it 3 842

Don't hate the player…

By He who is free of sin casts the first stone. - 16/06/2021 14:01

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend confessed to me that she'd cheated on me with my best friend. I can't get mad at her, because I cheated on her with him before she did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 213

You deserved it 1 654

28/03/2015 02:12

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. Within minutes, they said I needed to leave. Their reason? Apparently, I was mocking her dad's speech impediment. I also have one but they wouldn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 228

You deserved it 2 207

23/02/2016 06:53

Today, I was at church with some friends and our counselor, who had recently came back from Taiwan. I was born there and love to visit, so I immediately exclaimed, "How lucky!" A few seconds of awkward silence later, he said, "I was visiting my dad who was just diagnosed with cancer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 787

You deserved it 2 114

HALLO?

By BrilsmurfO_O - 06/04/2009 14:12

Today, I was at IKEA with my parents. I walked away from them and later I heard the speaker of the store call my name asking me to come to the playground because my mom and dad were worried. I'm 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 959

You deserved it 4 948

18/05/2011 16:03

Spicy

Today, after fifth block, I decided to go for a little walk. Apparently so did my boyfriend and best friend. I found them together under the stairs with her head in his crotch. She said she was looking for her contacts. His pants were pulled down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 435

You deserved it 4 703

09/05/2011 07:38

Today, I learned that chivalry truly is dead when a seemingly fit man pushed me into a door to get a seat on the train before me. My leg is in a cast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 781

You deserved it 3 382

05/12/2015 05:44

Spicy

Today, after about a year of keeping it a secret from my girlfriend, I told her about my foot fetish. She said "EWWWWWWWW!" and left. She's ignoring my calls and has changed her relationship status to single on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 407

You deserved it 6 492

08/02/2013 21:59

Today, I was playing Slender, when I caught a glimpse of the Slenderman. I jumped in my chair, letting rip a huge fart in the process. Nobody heard it, but only because my shrieks of terror drowned out the sound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 140

You deserved it 9 352

Slippery slope

By bailey1389 - 26/08/2020 02:02

Today, I slipped on my son's Hot Wheels cars and fell onto a building made out of Lego. I now have a fractured tailbone and a broken wrist. I called my husband to tell him what happened and all he could do was laugh. My son didn't leave them on the floor, my husband did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 658

You deserved it 176

20/09/2013 00:47

Today, I was at work at Krispy Kreme for national "talk like a pirate" day. If you dressed like a pirate you'd get a free dozen donuts. A man came in with just an eyepatch on. Thinking he was trying to get a free dozen, I told him he needed to try harder. Turned out the eyepatch was real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 211

You deserved it 13 870

19/09/2012 00:42

Today, my dad's recycling went out of control. He now keeps a calendar of my periods, just to remind me to recycle the cardboard from my tampons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 581

You deserved it 2 004

24/05/2016 10:30

Today, I took my 9-year-old sister to an ice cream shop. There we met a boy about her age, who started a conversation with her, told her she was pretty and they ended up exchanging numbers. I'm 24 and so far I've never succeeded at getting a girl's number like this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 666

You deserved it 1 304

25/07/2016 14:13

Today, I told my husband that I think he has ADHD. He was offended and began to argue, then he got distracted by a dog outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 800

You deserved it 1 631

05/12/2018 03:30

Today my wife came home and said "Before you go into the garage, let me tell you what happened". She was stopped at a traffic light and when it turned green she stepped on the gas, but the truck in front of her did not. The grill was smashed and the car has a 3 inch hole in the bumper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 385

You deserved it 223

19/08/2010 00:53

Today, one of my cousins offered to sell me his mac for a low price. When I got it, I realized it was an old toshiba painted white with an apple sticker on it. My cousin still insists it's a mac. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 147

You deserved it 31 457

02/03/2016 18:53

Today, being jobless and all, I tried calling my dad for a job after my many years of pride. He invited me to an interview to compete against 10 people, probably more qualified than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 978

You deserved it 7 174

Technologically Challenged

By paper towel virgin - 24/05/2013 00:24

Today, I was using a restroom with automatic sinks and toilets. I assumed the paper towel dispensers were automatic too. I stood there waving my hands like an idiot before a girl walked in, pulled a lever, and made paper towels come out for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 307

You deserved it 40 191

Shut up! Shut up!

By Steve - 30/04/2021 01:59

Today, I found out the guy taking the cubicle next to mine is the annoying dudebro who punctuates, like, every sentence he says with, like, the word "like" every, like, three words. Like… FML

I agree, your life sucks 796

You deserved it 92

04/01/2009 05:24

Today, I withdrew $120 from the ATM at the hotel I'm staying at, only to have no money come out. When I talked to the concierge, who witnessed the whole thing, she said it had been happening all day and that the machine was broken. My bank says it's the hotel's problem, and the hotel says it's the bank's problem. Either way, I'm out $120. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 666

You deserved it 2 037

20/02/2012 06:05

Today, my car key clicker wouldn't let me in. After a few frustrating minutes, I realized that, besides electronic capabilities, it's also an actual key that fits in a hole to unlock my door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 632

You deserved it 41 013

Gas wars

By Ali - 04/10/2020 23:02

Today, my boyfriend came over for the first time and we were alone. He was being super romantic and snuggling with me, and then out of nowhere he let out the biggest fart I've ever heard. He then explained how I should try to compete with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 042

You deserved it 339

Growing old gracefully

By OldBitch - 16/08/2020 02:01

Today, I realized my breasts look like sweat socks and my ass is sagging so much, it slaps the back of my legs. My neck has grown three chins, and I have put on 40 lbs. Yes, the golden years are here at last, and they can certainly kiss my ass. Happy 50th to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 218

You deserved it 419

20/07/2009 05:40

Today, my girlfriend's dad chased me with a baseball bat because he found a pair of my boxers in her room. They were not there because I left them there, they were there because she stole them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 262

You deserved it 3 135

10/08/2011 17:47

Today, I was preparing food in the microwave. I hadn't noticed that a fly had flown in until I noticed its melted corpse engraved into my hot-pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 871

You deserved it 5 884

10/05/2019 10:00

Today, I decided to turn my life around by finding a job, going to a gym, and getting counselling. Counselling is £145 a month. A gym would be £50 a month minimum, and there's an 8-year gap in my resumé, and everyone says no one will hire me because of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 683

You deserved it 515

12/12/2018 05:00

Today, I woke up with a swollen face and have been diagnosed with mumps. Despite having been vaccinated against it. Twice. I have three assignments due next week and I can barely stay awake long enough to type this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 598

You deserved it 238

22/09/2016 21:48

Today, my mom told me she wouldn't be able to leave my middle-aged brother at home for Christmas in order to meet her first grandchild. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 301

You deserved it 861

19/12/2014 10:41

Today, I was shocked to notice that my hair has started growing out entirely silver, supposedly due to pregnancy. I'm 19. Apparently, according to my aunt, "It runs in the family." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 560

You deserved it 6 703

31/10/2016 04:38

Today, my mom asked me if I was a lesbian because I haven't brought a guy home in over 7 years. Nope. I'm just a crazy cat lady, minus the cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 718

You deserved it 1 150

08/06/2016 08:38

Today, after months of living on five dollars a day for food in college, I found out my parents bought me an expensive meal plan and forgot to mention it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 441

You deserved it 1 475

26/07/2010 12:26

Today, I was woken up because the police were pounding on my door, and saying I am under arrest for stealing road signs. My friends went drinking last night and thought it would be funny to steal seven stop signs, four bus stop signs, and two children crossing signs then plant them on my front lawn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 267

You deserved it 4 862

Procrastination

By Anonymous - 23/04/2021 17:01

Today, I planned a busy day of errands: cycle 16 km, pick up a thing I bought online, go to the gas station, pharmacy and 3 different shops. I’m totally exhausted now. Maybe tomorrow I’ll find the energy to actually do all those things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 599

You deserved it 310

15/08/2015 16:50

Today, I discovered that my mom bought roll on stick glue that looks quite a bit like deodorant. It was early in the morning and I was groggy. Long story short, I had to cut every one of my pit hairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 167

You deserved it 4 418

08/12/2016 10:57

Today, I took my car to dealer because of the loud knocking sound I heard while driving it. Twenty-four hours later, they told me it was fixed. Fifteen minutes after I drove away, the tire flew off my car while I was on the highway. My car is now totaled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 972

You deserved it 621

08/01/2016 02:08

Today, I was chilling in my comfy zip-up sweatshirt when I realized I was running late for an acting class. In my mad panic, I forgot I didn't have a shirt or bra underneath. Later in class, I was performing a scene and started to unzip my sweatshirt. You can figure out the rest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 409

You deserved it 5 563

24/07/2013 18:03

Today, I spontaneously got my ear pierced. By spontaneously, I mean my 12-year-old sister stabbed one of her earrings into my ear while I was sleeping. She claimed the freckle on my earlobe looks "exactly the same" as the hole from her ear piercing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 262

You deserved it 3 295

30/12/2015 00:58

Today, while babysitting a young girl, I put on the movie Bambi, as she told me it was her favorite movie. I didn't know that her parents always skipped the scene where Bambi's mom dies. Despite my attempts to comfort her, she was still upset when her parents returned. Her mom blamed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 083

You deserved it 1 669

Panic!

By Bleach dat Blood - 20/07/2015 03:02

Today, I woke to find a pool of my own blood all over my pillow. Frantic to find the source of the blood, I rushed into the bathroom and tripped over my too-long pajama pants. Crashing to the floor face first, I broke my nose. Turns out I had just bitten my lip in the middle of the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 043

You deserved it 3 781

31/03/2016 17:07

Today, my hair got stuck in my umbrella. I asked for help from passers-by, but all I got was weird looks as they hurried past me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 123

You deserved it 1 881

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Top comments

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 10:03

If it's not plugged in, it's fair game.

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 10:03

Should have let him find out the hard way

Comments

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 10:03

If it's not plugged in, it's fair game.

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 11:11

He likes his dick extra toasty

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:41

With extra butter

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 16:47

#94, Your pic makes you seem like you have a sinister plan to rule the world with butter. You and Paula Deen should rule the world together.

LowExpectations 30

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Wednesday 25 September 2013 1:55

That's fucked up #1. You're promoting rape.

TheKidOnFire 10

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Wednesday 25 September 2013 3:26

@124 Dude... How the fu... You have made me lose 1,000,000 braincells in 3 seconds. Idiocity is truly hitting Earth. Harder than I expected. Call the Doctor now.

LowExpectations 30

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Wednesday 25 September 2013 3:49

But how's it consensual if the toaster isn't powered on!? What wrong with me!? What's wrong with you!?

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Wednesday 25 September 2013 6:55

It's Idiocy..

lifeisfabulous 10

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Wednesday 25 September 2013 21:39

Wait which Doctor the medical one the one the flies around in a blue box?? Both vould be useful in this situation.

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 10:03

Should have let him find out the hard way

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 10:09

The Darwinian way.

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 12:34

I agree, we don't need people like him reproducing anyway.

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 13:24

Haha I took "the hard way" literally. :P

ThatPlankton 15

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 14:49

So did the toaster ;)

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 22:09

I'd just turn the toaster on.

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 23:35

Exactly. If he gets it burned once, he'll stop unless he is a true idiot.

jw90 18

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Wednesday 25 September 2013 1:16

I think we can all agree that it's common sense to not put your dick in anything besides a vag.

LowExpectations 30

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Wednesday 25 September 2013 1:58

What about glory holes #121? I mean, sometimes there's a chick on the other end...

skystormdude 10

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 10:04

i say let him learn the HARD way!

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 17:54

I think he got the wrong idea when people told him about "hot" sex.

MsSoulReaper 27

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 10:05

I thought it was common sense to not put any part of your body in dangerous places.

NoFlippinWai 24

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 13:20

especially, one's penis. I keep mine in the bedside drawer. ;-)

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 13:34

The two slits probably turned him on and thought. . . threesome!

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 13:54

the stupidity of people never ceases to surprise me

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 14:56

A vagina is more dangerous than a toaster... A toaster can't give you STDs. Jus a tan

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 20:21

Complete with light charring on the edges.

WingedApollo 12

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 10:07

As long as he wasn't the one serving the family buttered toast...

TheKidOnFire 10

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Wednesday 25 September 2013 3:28

You have made my day. Thank you. @124 Made my day horrible. You bought it up again.

awkwardlysmiles 12

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 10:08

Please tell me you replaced the toaster before making toast?

Ctrl_H 18

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 10:09

Mmmm chestnuts roasted on an open fire.

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 10:09

I really wanna know how old your brother is.

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 10:32

28

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 12:56

25

NoFlippinWai 24

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 13:21

32, and recently divorced?

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 10:11

Did you explain by turning it on?

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 10:13

This was the joke I was waiting for. Thank you.

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 12:23

*ditto*#12

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 10:12

This is why I sometimes question on how the younger generations are going to survive later on. But I guess we learn from our mistakes.

NoFlippinWai 24

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 13:22

Op did not say it was a younger brother.

Mysterious_one 20

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Tuesday 24 September 2013 19:43

she should have let life circle goes on by losing his fertility .. lol