Intimacy: Today, I had to explain in great detail why it is inappropriate...

By foreseeingabreakup - 06/09/2011 04:42 - United States

Today, I had to explain in great detail why it is inappropriate for my boyfriend to grab at my vagina in public. He did it again twenty minutes later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 187

You deserved it 6 989

Intimacy

Mother of the year

Our house, in the middle of our street

Murphy's Law

Cultural differences

By Thongy - 07/04/2020 20:00 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Why? My Australian friend sent me a message saying I'd left my thongs at his house. My boyfriend still refuses to believe that they call flip-flops thongs in Australia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 978

You deserved it 543

By ummPORQUE - 07/05/2009 16:17 - United States

Today, I found out that the guy i've been having sex with for over a month didn't know my name until today. No wonder he always ever called me 'baby.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 946

You deserved it 70 543

By KrissyBearr - 31/12/2011 01:36 - United States

Today, while having sex, I told my boyfriend that I loved him. I could feel him go soft inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 266

You deserved it 9 976

By anyoldnamewilldo - 11/12/2014 16:10 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I wore what I thought was a hideous sweater from the thrift store for an ugly sweater contest. I've gotten more compliments on it than anything else I've ever worn. I can't even succeed at failure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 493

You deserved it 3 878

By noway - 22/03/2015 04:03 - United States - San Francisco

Today, a girl asked me to check out her left breast, which she said she'd found a strange lump on. I'm an orthodontist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 815

You deserved it 3 435

By lyfisdyno - 12/09/2013 00:16 - United Kingdom - Malvern

Today, I had sex with a guy wearing a KFC uniform. Hat included. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 768

You deserved it 73 916

By Anonymous - 13/09/2017 01:30

Today, I ordered a surveillance camera for my home. The package got stolen after being delivered. I think they're onto me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 819

You deserved it 250

A Tale of Two Nutritionists

By Christin Deason - 08/09/2019 22:00

Today, a friend criticized my detox method, calling it "unhealthy and unsafe." Recently, she made a post bragging about her dieting method, which is also very unhealthy and unsafe. I told her she was being a hypocrite. She unfriended and blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 272

You deserved it 369

By firefliiez - 15/11/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, my ex decided he wanted to start calling me "Pup." I jokingly said "Please! Call me anything but that! Sausage face even! Just anything but that!" Later, we went bowling with a large group of friends. He put my name in the board as "Sausage Face." Everyone agreed it will be my new name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 160

You deserved it 42 768

By frozensolid - 24/01/2013 21:25 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I waited over 30 minutes in freezing cold weather for my bus. When it finally arrived, I went to get on board, but slipped and fell on the icy ground. The driver waited a whole 2 seconds before snorting, "Ain't nobody got time for this shit", closing the doors, and driving off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 172

You deserved it 3 222

By daddy'sgirl - 21/06/2012 04:11 - United States - Memphis

Today, I was lecturing my high school students on the importance of a good education. I pointed out the janitor in the hall and told them if they didn't stay in school, they'd end up like him. Then one of my students raised her hand and reminded me that the janitor I pointed to was her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 173

You deserved it 75 253

By estallidos - 23/01/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, I got out of the hospital for the second time in a week. The first time was for a seizure that my cat induced by tripping me over. The second was to get stitches from the Doberman that had decided to take over my front yard while I was gone. Apparently I was intruding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 194

You deserved it 2 430

By Anonymous - 09/05/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, my roommate and I were walking to a bar and a group of guys shouted out at us "Hey, it's like we're on Animal Planet, I see a zebra and a gorilla." My roommate was wearing a zebra print shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 510

You deserved it 5 112

By demaris - 30/10/2010 23:46 - Canada

Today, I was following a makeup tutorial on YouTube. The girl said to apply concealer to any "problem areas" on my face. When I was done, 90% of my face was covered in concealer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 252

You deserved it 6 026

By Anonymous - 25/05/2018 01:30

Today, my wife admitted that she purposefully starts fights with me purely because she enjoys arguing and seeing me flustered. Don't marry a lawyer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 061

You deserved it 553

Not cool, not at all

By dammed - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got a text from my roommate asking me if it was cool that my ex was coming over to console him because he's sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 535

You deserved it 2 176

By Ashley - 07/10/2013 06:11 - United States - Belmont

Today, a friend thought it would be funny to shove me over; I faceplanted. I was going to say "F*ck you" and "I will kill you". It came out as "I will f*ck you." He's still laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 221

You deserved it 8 055

By regiftee - 25/03/2009 05:06 - United States

Today, my watch broke so I casually mentioned to my dad that I needed a new one. A little while later he hands me this really nice watch. He says, "Here, this one's been lying around for a while". It was the watch I gave him for Father's Day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 927

You deserved it 4 948

By gerontofuck - 15/04/2014 21:55 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I realized that the only female who shows any sexual interest in me at all is my 70-year-old neighbor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 776

You deserved it 4 625

By Mr.no contacts - 31/03/2013 07:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, the people fixing my phone called to say that for some reason, my phone's SIM card has wiped all my contacts except for four, and they are doing their best to try and recover the rest. I had to explain to them that I only had four contacts to begin with. The guy laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 527

You deserved it 5 718

By flea-bitten - 06/04/2013 19:41 - United States

Today, I was discussing possible career choices with my relatives. Pretty much everyone expressed the belief that I'm screwed for life, with my grandma commenting later: "She ain't even got the tits for porn. God help her." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 274

You deserved it 4 421

By TalkDirtyToMe - 10/10/2014 19:33 - New Zealand

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk dirty to my boyfriend, after he promised not to laugh at me. All seemed well, until I heard laughter. It wasn't him, though; it was his family listening from the other room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 970

You deserved it 7 439

By anon - 01/10/2010 02:54 - United States

Today, I removed all my online dating profiles. Apparently my ex-husband finds stalking me online preferable to spending time with his new girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 964

You deserved it 2 992

By Yazzy - 13/02/2009 09:57 - United States

Today, I found out that my parents can see a screen-by-screen of everything I say and do on my computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 728

You deserved it 7 919

By aaannnddd there goes my boner - 28/11/2013 22:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I arrived at work six minutes late due to heavily congested traffic. This is just two days after my boss put out a memo saying that anyone who's late to work from then until the new year will have their holiday bonus pay forfeited. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 139

You deserved it 8 393

By AboutToBeHomeless - 03/11/2016 13:16

Today, I received a letter from my landlord's attorney. It said my landlord is terminating my "verbal" lease with him. Ten years ago, the deal began as rent to own. My landlord is my grandfather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 833

You deserved it 727

Misery

By Galaxy-eyes photon human - 04/06/2020 02:00

Today, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me. The worst part is I’m currently stuck in his house and can’t even deal with a fight right now. Why? Because I just had surgery this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 797

You deserved it 325

By bleh - 27/11/2010 00:23 - United States

Today, I discovered my parents took me to a specialist when I was a baby because they thought I had a facial deformity. It turns out I'm just ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 127

You deserved it 3 130

By those_allergies - 12/05/2013 05:20 - United States - Bend

Today, I was eating a mystery flavored candy and I had an allergic reaction. Not only did I have to go to the hospital because my throat swelled up, but I still don't know what I'm allergic to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 235

You deserved it 4 309

Strange terminology

By Not true - 18/07/2016 02:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that I don't have a "grippy vagina" after he slipped out for the third time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 309

You deserved it 1 733

By racist - 15/10/2010 06:00 - United States

Today, I was sitting in a lecture about the history of the KKK and the problems it has caused, when the weirdest and quietest kid leans over my shoulder and says "I'd burn you first..." and winks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 156

You deserved it 3 635

By Anonymous - 14/11/2012 07:18 - United States

Today, excited that I finally got a place of my own, I invited my boyfriend over for a sexy sleep over. He told me his mom doesn't want him sleeping over. He's 21 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 002

You deserved it 4 639

By blacktyaffair - 09/11/2011 14:48 - United States

Today, I discovered that my dog is an aspiring underwear designer, her latest project being creating crotchless underwear. Mine seem to have been used as prototypes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 078

You deserved it 4 043

By Wolf - 20/01/2009 16:20 - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, while sitting next to me, my boyfriend sends a text to one of his "friends" saying "I'm thinking of you". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 374

You deserved it 2 334

By Anonymous - 22/07/2017 05:29 - United States - Irving

Today, my dad unlocked the bathroom door and barged in without warning only to catch me, with no clothes on, masturbating. He said, "sorry" but stayed for another 20 seconds to look for his shampoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 052

You deserved it 1 241

By juliette - 08/10/2012 05:39 - United States - Tucson

Today, I surprised my boyfriend with a bag containing condoms and sexy lingerie. He looks into it and says, "I hope you kept the receipt." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 404

You deserved it 4 478

By thelunarwolf - 02/03/2011 03:41

Today, while trying to have a serious conversation with my husband about his drug use over text, he came home. Drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 791

You deserved it 8 855

By cunting cuntface of a boss - 25/02/2014 20:42 - Australia

Today, I had to proofread a document my boss had written. When I pointed out that he spelled "college" as "collage" multiple times, he angrily accused me of trying to make him look stupid. This is the guy who constantly boasts about his "genius" IQ level to the whole office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 080

You deserved it 3 462

By cmzraxsn - 11/12/2010 19:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I ran to catch the train, but slipped on the stairs and fell on my shoulder. However, my effort was rendered useless; it wasn't even my train. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 282

You deserved it 5 309

Childish Gambino voice This is America

By poor - 05/08/2019 16:01 - United States

Today, my obnoxious neighbor once again bragged how much she gets from the government because she’s "too fat to work." Meanwhile, I had to start a gofundme after I couldn't afford dialysis from having to cut work hours so I could go to dialysis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 144

You deserved it 137

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Top comments

Xathanos 16

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 11:54

Social retardation is a problem. Can be cured though I think..

mimi_animee 18

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 11:55

Grab his dick in public then !! :)

Xathanos 16

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 11:54

Social retardation is a problem. Can be cured though I think..

almariee 2

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 12:00

never go out with him in public ;) there's your solution :p

fthislyfe 22

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 12:33

What was the details of your explanation?

changesinme 0

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 12:36

24- it was, I might get real horny and wet and I'd make you do me in public, and that's why he did it again

JiggaJayZ 16

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 12:47

Give him a nice backhand to the wingdings next time he does it

cudi504 4

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 12:49

OP's vagina must be awesome

Jimboom 11

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 12:56

The only real cure is a blunt object to the back of the head and a shovle... or at the very least castration so that his genes doesn't infect the world.

stro88 6

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 13:32

Some of the posters are mad blowing this out of proportion or just don't like vagina. The bf is just petting his pussy, no harm done.

hawaiianfire 0

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 14:04

I don't think he's retarded, he just hasn't gotten his nut for the day. Maybe OP should take care of that before they went in public :P

underguarded 20

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 14:13

I just don't like your comment.

Deathhound 27

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 14:39

Oh my, that's gross. And why is he doing that? Does he have any explanation for that?

13FTW 9

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 16:22

I'm surprised he waited a whole twenty minutes

ohhaixp 6

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Wednesday 7 September 2011 0:51

high functioning retard.

juliushater 12

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Wednesday 7 September 2011 8:30

win win win win

loso86 2

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Thursday 8 September 2011 10:29

We have a winner

Jacky12 0

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Wednesday 7 September 2011 10:21

24- You are really awesome..

ifknh8usernames 7

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Wednesday 7 September 2011 21:14

Not that I think it's okay or appropriate, but if my bf did that to me in public I would probably get a little horny and start acting frisky myself. Though.. there is a time and a place for everything. I would definitely rather him do it discreetly if we were in public.

Cynical_in_SK 6

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Thursday 8 September 2011 7:20

No...I'm afraid there is no cure for retardation of any kind. Ignorance can be cured...but stupidity...especially when it's to the point of retardation...is forever.

kyliebear 15

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 11:55

You're boyfriend is way too embarrassing :) threaten him playfully

kyliebear 15

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 12:01

I meant 'your' ...

scotch 4

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 14:12

Saved yourself from a bitchy grammar nazi :)

ItsTheKing 10

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 16:42

Damn it, #2. I'll get you next time. I will be back.

ykthechild 0

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Wednesday 7 September 2011 0:41

NAZI'S UNITE!! Wait...wait...wait...you're talking about a different type of nazi,huh? Shit.

chowE_fml 4

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Wednesday 7 September 2011 5:03

Corny

thehoneybadger 10

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Wednesday 7 September 2011 6:04

141, I'm afraid you're not invited to the grammar Nazi party, as you misused that apostrophe. :(

KatherineAnne 7

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Sunday 11 September 2011 6:47

Some guys are pigs. If he's worth dating, deal with it. If not dump him. Mine is too but he's worth it :)

mimi_animee 18

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 11:55

Grab his dick in public then !! :)

blcarter81 0

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 11:57

That wouldn't faze him in the slightest...?

Xathanos 16

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 11:59

I don't think you've thought that through, it makes her look like a slut..

marpay 11

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 12:21

Grab his junk and scream. "This is my man! This is where my babies come from!" What celebrity did that, because I can't remember.

zeddeiram 0

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 12:27

20, that was lois from family guy..

xcrashxloved 0

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 13:57

He would most likely try for some public sex if she did q:

dirtydancer 0

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 14:27

Lois from family guy.... how can u NOT know that!?

Bladian 5

Tuesday 6 September 2011 14:44

Probably because family guy is stupid.

13FTW 9

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 16:05

Obviously family guy is not stupid if Lois is now a celebrity...

Jovecove 13

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 19:33

Lay off the explanation. A solid kick to his right-nut might just do the trick.

theaws0m3guy 4

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Wednesday 7 September 2011 1:20

Why not left nut?

jesernoob 13

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Wednesday 7 September 2011 8:27

because I already called left nut.

marpay 11

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Wednesday 7 September 2011 9:37

Just a little knowledge Lois from family guy did it to make fun of the actual celebrity who did it. After some research it turns out it was faith hill who yelled it at a fan who grabbed her husband at an awards show.

SolemnlyLove 7

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 12:04

ydi for dating a social retard...

sceneblondie 8

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 13:49

Lmfao I had the same problem with my bf XD and he's not a retard >:/

kiakia0131 23

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 16:52

"Retard" should not be used to insult someone.

laurengayle 0

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 22:02

Agreed.^

scarletteletters 0

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Wednesday 7 September 2011 0:23

Same problem.. Retard shouldn't be used as a insult ever. Smh.

Waffl3z 8

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 12:04

Lol, OP's name says it all.

GlitteryMasakali 1

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 12:14

Hey 9, your picture is funny :D

Waffl3z 8

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 14:03

Thank u ma'am :D

HomelessMuslim 0

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 14:19

Waffl3z I see a relationship between us.

GlitteryMasakali 1

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Wednesday 7 September 2011 8:02

68 - It seems you're full of racism and misunderstanding about Muslims? That's not nice.

Laterial 3

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 12:06

Diagnosis: Stupid!

Laterial 3

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 12:10

Can be contagious and highly infectious if left untreated!

jarednt39 5

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 12:40

10- your picture is hilarious !

jizzwold 21

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 18:37

I disagree with your picture

Badab1ng 5

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 19:02

10- you're picture is fucking stupid. That is all.

Badab1ng 5

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 19:04

Your* dadgum iPhone.

xcarxcrashx 9

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 21:39

I agree that your picture is so true cause this country is a toilet.

burninnapalm 5

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 22:32

Except There is no way he could have spent the 2 trillion dollars after he was out of office for three years... After 6 months, it's all the new president retards.

clumsylittleme 11

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Tuesday 20 September 2011 5:10

#103 That's cause your a fuc*ing moron. So shut the fuc* up(:

GlitteryMasakali 1

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 12:12

I would breakup immediately!

RyNo24 4

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 15:06

You MUST be single with that attitude...

Yodaevil 4

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Tuesday 6 September 2011 16:01

Seriously, unless he's 40, give it a rest! Young couples are to act like that, unless she's a prude. In that case do him a favor and dump him so he can find a girl who enjoys that kind of attention.