Family portrait - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 5

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 105

Spicy

Spicy

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 324

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 720

You deserved it 126

Family portrait

By a816090 - 26/09/2019 16:00

Today, my boyfriend sent a picture of me posing with our dog to his family via a group text. Along with our 25" bong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 739

You deserved it 1 229

Triage

Leave us alone

Baby you can drive my car

02/05/2016 20:05

Spicy

Today, we were doing research on contraceptives in class. Afterwards, the girl next to me starts explaining how "cringey" and "grossed out" she gets when she sees/hears "the words for the private parts." She then tells me all about her getting her period that morning in explicit detail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 344

You deserved it 1 077

The Terminator

By Manny Managerson - 23/11/2020 11:01

Today, a furious woman stormed into my job, demanding to know why I fired her precious baby boy. I explained that watching porn on the clock is grounds for termination. She screamed that I was lying about him and that she’ll see me in court for slandering him. I had to call the cops to make her leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 165

You deserved it 63

24/11/2013 23:19

Today, while riding the subway, I fell asleep. I awoke to find that someone had stolen my glasses. From off my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 138

You deserved it 7 777

17/01/2017 22:00

Today, I'm so bad at parking that I saw the guy next to me openly cringe as I pulled into a spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 346

You deserved it 1 882

10/01/2011 08:25

Today, I heard my asshole neighbor had died of a stroke. I was outside and said, "Well it's about goddamn time!" I turned around to see his wife walking her dog and staring deep into my soul. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 102

You deserved it 68 106

25/12/2009 06:28

Today, I sat for 3 hours at my boyfriend's Christmas celebrations. He has 22 cousins. They open presents one at a time. In silence. I got nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 208

You deserved it 3 471

29/05/2015 03:39

Spicy

Today, for my birthday, my boyfriend made me a coupon book. I thought it was sweet until I noticed they were all conditional. For example; "Give your boyfriend a blowjob and he'll give you a 10 minute back massage!". They're all like that and he's mad because I refuse to use them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 430

You deserved it 3 856

14/11/2009 21:37

Today, I saw a grasshopper in the urinal so I decided to pee on it. It jumped out, scared the hell out of me, and I peed all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 785

You deserved it 75 331

11/09/2009 14:48

Today, I was putting my horse away into her pasture, when I slipped in the mud. In a haisty attempt to support myself, I grabbed the electric fence in on hand, and my horse with the other. The shock from the fence traveled through me to her, sending her running and leaving me with 2 broken teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 089

You deserved it 6 767

11/06/2019 12:49

Today, all of my friends stopped messaging me. I checked their Snapchat and Instagram accounts and saw that they were all at a party. When I confronted them, they assured me I was invited and should join them. When I arrived at the address, the house was empty. They gave me the wrong address. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 250

You deserved it 305

14/12/2012 02:25

Today, I played a game of Monopoly with my friends. Since I'm of Greek origin, they thought it would be funny to make me start with a €100,000 debt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 432

You deserved it 5 588

Happy Birthday to me

By Zebra - 30/12/2020 22:58

Today, my sister was meant to come over for lunch for my birthday. Turns out, she forgot about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 769

You deserved it 51

28/11/2009 15:33

Today, I woke up and took my mom to work. It wasn't until after I got home, logged on Facebook and looked at the upcoming birthdays to see that it was her birthday today. No wonder she was silent the entire car ride and slammed the door on the way out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 800

You deserved it 56 874

09/11/2014 04:06

Today, the last of my close friends announced she is pregnant. Meanwhile, I'm single and my nest is empty. Well, not exactly, because even my freaking cat is pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 459

You deserved it 4 969

Kids is hard work

By Anonymous - 27/09/2021 22:59

Today, I told my husband I wanted to make him happy by giving him a baby. He told me either I can make him happy, or I can give him a baby, but I can’t do both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 415

You deserved it 692

25/03/2013 14:48

Today, my boyfriend tried to whimsically serenade me by throwing rocks at my apartment window and singing. He got the wrong window. Another guy answered, and now he thinks I'm cheating on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 867

You deserved it 3 310

28/12/2013 08:23

Today, my dog has found a new game he likes. It involves him rolling around on my new bed sheets to build up static electricity and run and poke me with his nose so I get shocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 424

You deserved it 5 861

08/04/2016 02:28

Today, my cat likes to share my pillow at night. I guess she was extra comfortable last night, because she didn't bother getting off it to hack up a hairball. I woke up because I rolled my face onto it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 700

You deserved it 2 402

Almost there

By Anonymous - 22/04/2020 14:03

Today, I discovered that my contract start date is exactly 2 days outside of the furlough date. Meaning instead of taking 80% of my salary, I'm only getting 40% (thanks to the company). This would be fine if I hadn't just moved countries to get this job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 485

You deserved it 155

Mixing it up

By Kayleigh - 16/03/2021 21:59

Spicy

Today, I found out my boyfriend cheated on me with his dad's ex-girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 149

You deserved it 75

19/04/2014 01:19

Today, I accidentally let a huge one rip while tending to an older patient at the nursing home where I work. The patient passed away shortly thereafter. Coincidence? FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 514

You deserved it 7 429

07/05/2017 02:00

Today, I was playing music from my phone, which was on the couch. I guess my dog got jealous, because she picked it up and ran over to the toilet, promptly dropping it right in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 933

You deserved it 715

20/11/2009 13:56

Today, I discovered that my boss listens to the things we say about him on the audio-enabled cameras at our work. I'm thus currently jobless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 060

You deserved it 40 571

28/03/2009 03:15

Today, my mother was vaccuming the stairs. Trying to be polite, I climbed over the banister to the floor above, so I wouldn't interrupt her. She looked at me odd and said, "I'm surprised that held your weight." The banister is maple and steel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 662

You deserved it 5 575

17/06/2009 05:15

Today, a real estate agent showed my house to some buyers. I found out when I exited the shower, fully nude, to them in the hallway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 854

You deserved it 5 268

15/01/2010 00:43

Today, I woke up in my boyfriend's dorm and decided to take a shower before he woke up. I used the girls bathroom on the above floor, and afterwards just threw on a towel and ran to the elevator. I forgot to press my boyfriend's floor and I was taken to the lobby in a towel. People were waiting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 028

You deserved it 32 163

22/11/2014 15:34

Today, I had to babysit both my neighbor's 3-year-old daughter and my very pregnant cat. I left the room briefly, only to come back to a traumatized 3-year-old crying in horror as my cat gave birth in front of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 478

You deserved it 4 480

07/05/2013 07:45

Today, my ex won a writing competition. His story was inspired by our relationship. In it, I'm a serial killing prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 076

You deserved it 8 059

15/11/2018 13:00

Today, I decided to be healthy and drink a tall glass of water whilst doing my assignment that is due in three days. I managed to spill the entire glass over my laptop. I flipped it over and used a hairdryer to dry it off. While doing that, I managed to melt my keyboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 651

You deserved it 2 876

Clean me, humanoid

By Anonymous - 02/03/2020 15:00

Today, I had to wash my cat. Twice. The first time was because he decided to roll over in the litter tray after using it. The second was the result of him pissing on the floor, then rolling in it right after I'd dried him from the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 364

You deserved it 225

Unhappy Birthday

By Anonymous - 27/07/2020 02:01

Today, none of my family was at home. Turns out my one of my aunts was having a birthday party and all my relatives went, but nobody told me because they don’t like me coming around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 222

You deserved it 241

11/08/2010 12:01

Today, because the two other managers decided to go on a spa day together, I had to stay at work despite the fact I spent most of the day throwing up in the bathroom. They called me to say what a good day they had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 228

You deserved it 2 897

31/01/2010 17:42

Today, I realized what all the women I've been with have in common: Craigslist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 534

You deserved it 29 424

30/04/2009 17:41

Today, I was on my way home when I saw a cop hiding behind a Budget truck. I immediately slowed down and prayed that he wouldn't give me a ticket. Then I realized I was walking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 126

You deserved it 95 354

26/05/2014 22:34

Today, my mom insisted on making my lunch. She didn't know that knives are banned at my high school, and packed me a steak knife for cream cheese. I'm now suspended for 7 days, and she refuses to say that she did anything wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 613

You deserved it 5 255

02/01/2010 21:22

Today, I realized that the only male that has ever been in bed with me has been my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 080

You deserved it 6 908

02/10/2015 16:48

Today, I found a baby squirrel on the pavement and thought I'd try and rescue it. While I googled what to do, it started running around. I tried to grab it, but it ran straight into the path of a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 358

You deserved it 4 022

28/07/2014 04:36

Spicy

Today, my husband decided to play a recording of me breaking wind in my sleep to my whole family at the dinner table. To make matters worse, it was a compilation of different noises from over a long period of time. My family was horrified and my husband seemed proud of himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 170

You deserved it 4 544

I'm in a hurry

By Anonymous - 20/01/2020 20:00

Today, I was working in my store. Right around closing, a lady came in to try some things on. I went to the back and when I came out, she was standing in the middle of the room with fluid coming from between her legs. I asked her if she was going into labor. She wasn't. She was peeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 459

You deserved it 128

22/04/2013 07:19

Today, my mum asked me, "Shouldn't you be cleaning your room?" On impulse, I replied, "Shouldn't you be in the kitchen?" I've never been hit so hard in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 195

You deserved it 126 045

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Top comments

RichardPencil 30

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Thursday 26 September 2019 17:18

What else would you use to treat the dog's arthritis? Tell his family that the vet ordered the bong to care for your dog, and stick with that story!

alycion 38

Send a private message

Friday 27 September 2019 2:55

If it were a bottle of wine, would that upset them? If not, they really need to educate themselves. Oooh you are such a horrible person for using something that’s harmless if used responsibly. My family is just use to it. I’m medical. I refuse to be shamed.

Comments

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Thursday 26 September 2019 17:18

What else would you use to treat the dog's arthritis? Tell his family that the vet ordered the bong to care for your dog, and stick with that story!

Send a private message

Friday 27 September 2019 2:55

If it were a bottle of wine, would that upset them? If not, they really need to educate themselves. Oooh you are such a horrible person for using something that’s harmless if used responsibly. My family is just use to it. I’m medical. I refuse to be shamed.

Send a private message

Sunday 29 September 2019 9:08

neither weed nor alcohol are harmless. there's just worse things out there

TrashlifeKaylala 12

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Saturday 28 September 2019 9:41

It’s for tobacco duh

Send a private message

Saturday 28 September 2019 12:34

I mean fyl and ydi. fyl if they are annoying about it... but ydi for not keeping things put away. like damn, the dog or someone could knock it over. spill bong water and make a mess. or worse, break it and get glass all over.

Send a private message

Saturday 28 September 2019 15:12

At least he remembered to Photoshop out the crack pipe...