Miscellaneous: Today, I found out if I refuse my boyfriend anything in public,... - FML

By anon. - 17/01/2012 23:41 - United States

Today, I found out if I refuse my boyfriend anything in public, he will continually yell out, "Penis!" until he gets his way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 068

You deserved it 8 759

Empathy lives

Batman

Better off out

By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 22:26 - United States

Spicy

Today, I told my husband that I wanted to take advantage of the alone time we would have while our kids are visiting my parents. My idea? A nice dinner out and kinky sex all night long. His idea? Chinese buffet and subsequent dutch ovens in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 343

You deserved it 3 958

By auntoftheyear - 10/08/2011 04:46 - United States

Today, I saw my brother's pregnant girlfriend smoking. Disgusted, I asked him why he didn't just stab her in the uterus and get it over with. He laughed like it was a joke, then cussed because he spilled his cereal. He's more concerned about spilled cereal than having a brain-damaged child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 250

You deserved it 10 016

By SoCalStoopid - 09/09/2011 21:17 - United States

Today, to save money, I bought some meat in bulk. When I got home, I was told that power to the neighborhood was out, and probably would be for days. Rather than let the meat rot, I barbecued it all and gave it away to my neighbors. The power came on while everyone was eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 862

You deserved it 4 440

By Dead_Eye - 27/09/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, I turned down an invite to a huge private party that is rarely given to freshmen in college, because I felt bad that I hadn't had a chance to talk to my girlfriend in a couple of days. I called her a couple of hours later. She answered with, "Hey, I'm at a party. I will call you tomorrow?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 624

You deserved it 20 994

By Anonymous - 06/05/2016 16:55 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, my dad and I ran into a guy I've been dating. He flipped out and accused me of cheating on him. This is now the second guy to have a similar reaction to my dad. I guess this is one of those unexpected consequences of teen pregnancy that my parents didn't see coming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 298

You deserved it 1 442

By Anonymous - 16/12/2009 12:09 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years confessed that he was sleeping with me and 5 other girls while we first started dating. He told me he numbered us and rolled a die to see which one he would date. I guess I won. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 479

You deserved it 3 815

By Anonymous - 29/11/2010 14:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, my parents found several drawings of a dinosaur girl in various bondage equipment posing seductively in my purse. The drawings weren't mine, nor do I have any idea where they came from, but my parents now think I'm a freak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 016

You deserved it 3 896

By jkmartinjk - 28/11/2012 04:58 - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, on an important call with a potential employer, he began to speak quieter and quieter until I couldn't hear him at all. When I finally hung up after waiting for 5 minutes, I realized that I had been pressing down on the volume button. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 599

You deserved it 32 939

By Anonymous - 20/05/2018 01:30

Today, I sneezed without knowing I had a nosebleed. Despite turning my head, a fine blood spray shot out all over my fiancée’s white dress as we were standing at the altar. She refused to say “I do” because she was so mad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 976

You deserved it 540

By WaitedOut - 03/10/2012 08:07 - United States - Saukville

Today, at work, I got to wait on one of those tables where everyone had very complex orders, and some of them sent their food back. When the time finally came for me to bring them their check and receive my well-earned tip, I returned only to discover that they'd dined and dashed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 250

You deserved it 2 106

By 3.14 - 08/02/2012 11:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I bought my mother an apple pie. She made a face at it and said that she'd decided to go on a diet. After I'd left the house, she put it in the oven, forgot about it, and burnt it to a crisp. She then called me up to inform me that I'd wasted my money, and to get her "another damn pie." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 094

You deserved it 2 069

By Anonymous - 24/08/2017 07:00 - United States - Carlisle

Today, I came home early from work and found my brother in my bed with a girl I've never met. Apparently he's been using my house to hook up with girls while I'm gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 601

You deserved it 359

By derve - 07/11/2012 23:48 - United States

Today, as my girlfriend and I were finishing up a romantic dinner, she gazed into my eyes for a moment and said, "You know, sometimes you look like a character from Sesame Street." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 150

You deserved it 2 157

By Anonymous - 14/01/2011 20:53 - United States

Today, while playing with my cat, she decided to give me a surprise nipple piercing with her claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 194

You deserved it 5 259

By knife knife - 20/09/2016 00:38 - United Kingdom - Dalkeith

Today, I ate out, even though I was tired. When my main course arrived, I realised I had sent both my forks away with the starter plate. Rather than say anything, I ate dinner with two knives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 794

You deserved it 14 786

By teejayrn - 15/12/2012 11:48 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, my son sprayed the bottom of my car and windows white with fake snow in Christmas cheer. He did a great job, except he used white spray paint instead of the fake snow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 486

You deserved it 2 433

By floff - 19/09/2017 04:30

Today, I broke a toe. It was not too bad and I can still walk, but the doctors had to tape it to the next toe to help it heal. Turns out I am allergic to the glue on the tape. The pain of the blisters covering two toes and the itch is worst than the break. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 449

You deserved it 216

By Anonymous - 24/04/2017 22:00

Today, a large number of people at my office don't realize that if the door to a stall is locked, it's occupied. While I can somewhat deal with people needlessly asking if it's occupied, what I can't deal with is someone looking over the stall to check. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 713

You deserved it 223

Unwanted guest

By MMM - 21/01/2014 23:26 - United States - Saco

Spicy

Today, my plans for having sex with my girlfriend were thwarted for the sixth time in a row by my own mother. I found out later that she's been reading my texts so she knew when to drop by and ruin everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 399

You deserved it 11 426

By anonymous - 29/06/2010 02:21 - United States

Today, a cute thirty-ish chick walked into the bar I work in. I asked her for her license to make her feel young. She didn't have her license on her and started yelling about how stupid it was to even ask, when she obviously was old enough to drink. She then got up and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 551

You deserved it 12 878

By Anonymous - 08/03/2013 11:29 - United States - Charlottesville

Today, my teacher read my story about a haunted house for a class assignment. She liked it very much and turned it in to the office to be sent into a state writing competition. An hour later, I was called to the office where the guidance counselor called my work "disturbing" and said I "need help". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 200

You deserved it 2 889

Back to square one

By HomeChump - 28/09/2016 05:49 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was so proud I'd fixed the toilet with a hardware store part without even having to call a plumber. As I happily put the lid back on the tank, I dropped the lid, which broke the tank, spilling water everywhere. Now I need a new toilet, a new floor, and I have to call the plumber. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 016

You deserved it 2 553

By Anonymous - 14/07/2010 06:14 - United States

Today, I made brownies for my co-workers. My boss called me into his office, and I though he was going to compliment me on the baking. Instead, he talked about how his 5-year-old daughter can make brownies better than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 606

You deserved it 6 211

By ALLALA - 04/04/2009 23:34 - Canada

Today, my husband and I were watching TV. An info-mercial came on for a diamond cross necklace that had the lord's prayer engraved inside of it. As the commercial ended I said, "who in their right mind would actually buy that?" Turns out, my husband would, for our anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 855

You deserved it 24 322

By Anonymous - 04/01/2011 04:19 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me for the tattoo artist who gave us our matching "love" tattoos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 284

You deserved it 9 703

By Nicole - 09/05/2016 20:12 - United States - Bozeman

Today, a friend came to visit me from across the U.S. We spent the majority of the time she was here standing in the rain, at the dog park 20 miles from my house, so she could "make sure her baby poops on time". Basically, I took time off to watch my friend's dog take 6 craps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 169

You deserved it 889

By briscoe - 29/09/2015 02:48 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I was on the train next to an elderly woman. When I told her it was my stop, she turned her knees towards the aisle, and I, thinking that she was letting me go by, began to edge past. She screamed, "DON'T PUSH ME!" and the whole train turned to look. I was thus the asshole pushing the old lady. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 956

You deserved it 1 677

Smile!

By Anonymous - 21/11/2017 15:00

Today, some official photographs went live on our company website. As I took a closer look, I realised I was in the background of one photo unloading boxes from a van. My trousers were halfway down my ass, flashing my butt crack for the whole internet to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 835

You deserved it 1 403

By steven - 24/06/2009 15:33 - Canada

Today, my friend said he'd give me 20 bucks if I would ask out the ugliest girl in school. I did it. She rejected me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 957

You deserved it 112 377

By ouch - 08/03/2011 15:50 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend convinced me that a staple gun doesn't work on skin. I decided to put this new piece of information to the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 634

You deserved it 99 440

By freakingow - 14/02/2010 18:05 - United States

Today, I opened the freezer for some Poptarts and a giant block of meat fell and broke my toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 919

You deserved it 6 831

By Anonymous - 01/03/2009 20:02 - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my mother asking me if I was okay. Confused, I asked her what she meant. She then told me that my boyfriend had broken up with me, and she just wanted to make sure I was handling it alright. I had to find out my relationship was over from my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 831

You deserved it 3 686

By thanksmom - 02/02/2011 02:01 - United States

Today, I finally got up the nerve to invite the guy I like to hang out at my house. It was also the day my mother decided that our house is a "pants optional zone," and that she should implement that policy immediately. While he was at our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 127

You deserved it 2 850

By brrrr that's cold! - 27/01/2011 20:24 - United States

Today, I finally felt well enough to take an actual shower after having surgery on my back. It took five minutes to stand up, ten minutes to get to the shower, and another ten minutes to get in. The pilot light went out in less than five minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 647

You deserved it 2 392

Glittery letters

By Anonymous - 27/01/2020 18:00

Today, I found out my husband had bought my 1-year-old daughter a shirt that says "Birth Control Fail" in pink glittery letters. He even took her out in it while I was at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 111

You deserved it 421

By Anonymous - 28/12/2017 06:00

Spicy

Today, I went home with a guy I met at the bar. I warned him that I was on my period, but he said it was fine. Not only was the sex awful, I woke up to find that he'd smeared period blood on my face in the dark. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 824

You deserved it 7 017

By theregoesmyspermcount - 02/08/2009 22:45 - United States

Today, my 250 lb ex-Marine dad announced he was going to start randomly punching me in the crotch, without warning, to "improve my reflexes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 761

You deserved it 5 679

Slumming it

By Anonymous - 25/09/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Today, my mum and I were moving the last of  my stuff into my new flat when I heard some creaking. The sound was  coming from the bathroom, so I went to check it out. As I stepped  through the door, the floor collapsed and the bathtub and I fell  right through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 803

You deserved it 95

By notinterested - 13/09/2011 10:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, my husband dropped his pants and said, "Why don't you go down and say hello." This is his idea of foreplay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 237

You deserved it 5 408

By Anonymous - 04/07/2015 03:41 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I had to lie to my coworkers about me and some guy beating the absolute shite out of each other in a bar fight, all to avoid admitting my black eye was from my 7 year old son punching me in the face the other day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 086

You deserved it 6 454

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 8:45

Let him find out if you don't get your way, you yell "RAPE!" until you do.

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 8:44

Dump his immature ass.

Comments

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 8:44

Dump his immature ass.

ClassyCommando 13

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 8:56

Let him yell all he likes. He's just making himself look exponentially more stupid everytime he says it.

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 8:59

Play along. Yell VAGINA!

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 9:04

PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 9:12

*Looks at 22's picture* *Looks at 22's comment* Hmm...

noncomposmentis 6

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 9:19

I suspect that the OP's boyfriend is inspired by '500 Days of Summer'.

FirstTigerHobbes 13

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 9:20

22- it is now clear to everyone what you think about day and night. Doesn't that get boring?

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 11:44

How mature...

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 14:39

What you should do is run away yelling "No, I don't want your penis. Rape!"

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 21:54

You should yell back, "infection!"

ImFrackinBored 13

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 23:02

^^ Genius.

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Thursday 19 January 2012 3:19

You should have broken up with him and walked away. He would be a single guy screaming penis. Hmmm

Link5794 18

Monday 8 October 2012 16:12

Better idea: punch him in the face, because violence is always the answer.

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Friday 2 May 2014 8:43

if you're going to allow him to do this (give him what he wants so he stops) than YDI. But you can refuse to play along and he should stop. If not, dump his childish ass!!

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 8:44

Play along! PENIS GAME!

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 8:46

I love that game!

xXxIracebethxXx 14

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 8:53

PENIS!!!!

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 10:09

PENIS!!!!!!!!!!!

beatdownbarbie 5

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 10:43

My younger brothers tried playing that game once in the grocery store...we wee with my Oma, she beat the crap out of them both with a cereal box. >.

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 12:52

I like your Oma…

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 13:23

I play all the time.

lol_ironic_life 9

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 13:46

PENIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 14:19

PENIS?....!!!!!!!!

SW500 13

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 15:26

I quite prefer the vagina game...

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Thursday 19 January 2012 1:28

Pegina?

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Thursday 19 January 2012 3:40

i made a new game and it's called BOOBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Thursday 19 January 2012 4:04

How about "AIDS." Anyone wanna play? No? Just like my childhood :(

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 8:45

Let him find out if you don't get your way, you yell "RAPE!" until you do.

prettyinpink03 11

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 8:46

Haha. Excellent.

Leipe_Henkie 10

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 9:48

This would most certainly get rid of him, but if you just want to get rid of his comments, just bring a bottle of water and fling it at him in the place he mentions every time he does so :)

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 12:29

Ugh my guy friend would yell that, sooo annoying..,

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 21:00

"PENIS!" "RAPE!" PENIS!" "RAPE!" wouldn't that be a sight to see....

WhoaItsKiernan 4

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Tuesday 21 February 2012 5:13

#9 -Okay Mr. Burns...

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 8:45

You should yell "you have a small penis!" to make him SHUTUP.

ClassyCommando 13

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 8:57

"I see you like to talk about the small things in life..." Epic burns.

onlychildFTW 33

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 9:23

That's awesome 16.

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 9:54

Just "you have a small..." suffices :)

leh9 2

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Thursday 19 January 2012 4:52

Or... When he says penis say "yea, a small one" :)

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Thursday 19 January 2012 8:33

Lol

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 8:45

Funny stuff

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 8:46

Boyfriend use penis! It's super effective!

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 9:02

Socially awkward girl uses lame line, line backfires, she gets negatived You have lost this battle!

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 9:17

Speaking of social awkwardness. I hate when I have a really, really good word to play on Words with Friends except it's something like "Vagina" on a triple letter and triple word score against my mom. 120 points + awkward dinner tonight or Lose at Words with Friends FUCK!

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 9:27

28, you came out of your mum's vag, I don't think that she will mind!

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 9:33

My mommy says I came froms a test tube.

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 10:23

What she meant by that is she was testing many guys tubes at the time of your conception...

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 18:07

my mother play penis before on words with friends

mannybarrantes 1

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 8:46

Did you learn that the "hard" way? ahhaaa

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 8:47

"...talking about tiny things..."

fangbanger_kitty 10

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 20:28

My goodness, that's a way to get dumped. Lol

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 8:53

Does he do it for 'long'???

AcidLacedBong 5

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 8:55

Just yell tiny or small before he says penis!! And point at him ahaha

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10

You deserved it 7

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 164

You deserved it 82

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 404

You deserved it 44