Health: Today, I had a cyst in my butt removed. The doctors had to make...

By hurtinrealbad - 16/10/2012 17:25 - United States - Tempe

Today, I had a cyst in my butt removed. The doctors had to make a hole, and then fill it with gauze before sending me home. As soon as I got back, my sister decided to kick me in the butt as hard as she could. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 037

You deserved it 1 964

Health

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Compromises

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

By Teaching - 12/11/2009 07:17 - United States

Today, I was reading my students' Halloween stories I made them write for my creative writing class in high school. One of my students wrote about attacking me. She got my street address perfect and everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 916

You deserved it 4 516

By Leenotgay - 25/09/2011 04:23 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's totally convinced I'm gay. When I tried explaining that I can't be if I'm attracted to her, she took it as me thinking she's mannish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 273

You deserved it 3 635

By Poly24 - 27/08/2013 10:32 - France - La Courneuve

Today, I could hear my daughter playing with her Barbie dolls in her room. "Do you think your boss will agree to give you a raise?", she said. "Of course, we slept together!" My daughter is six. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 025

You deserved it 8 860

By Anonymous - 23/12/2010 04:35 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my crush and wanted to see what he thought of me. Instead of asking him straight, I tugged at my shirt, saying ''I don't know why I wear this top. I always look awful in it." He said, "Are you fishing for a fat joke?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 601

You deserved it 45 392

By uetlqdja - 21/05/2011 15:31 - United States

Today, my ex husband is marrying my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 106 569

You deserved it 7 148

Gag reflex

By banananana - 25/09/2019 20:00 - Switzerland

Today, my dentist applied a paste on my teeth to make them more resistant. It tasted so disgustingly like artificial banana that I had to throw up. I'm not allowed to brush my teeth, drink or eat for 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 335

You deserved it 181

Bridezilla strikes again

By Anonymous - 29/04/2021 10:58

Today, I told my sister I felt like her friends didn't like me, since they were ignoring my questions, opinions, etc., in the bridesmaids' chat, but were all over each other's messages. She kicked me from her bridal party, saying her friends wouldn't want me at the bridal shower and bachelorette party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 998

You deserved it 80

By Peter80 - 03/03/2009 14:55 - Netherlands

Today, at work, our new cute intern asked me if I could explain my work. Taking a cool posture sitting on her desk I explained. After 10 minutes I walked away, only to hear her laughing with the girl next to her. Turns out my fly was open. And I didn't wear underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 191

You deserved it 73 478

Happy Valentine's Day anyway

By Brokenheartz - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months told me he was not going to celebrate Valentine's Day because it was a "capitalistic consumerism holiday." He works in a bank and helps "capitalistic consumerism" 364 days a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 932

You deserved it 5 371

By Pisspants - 17/09/2016 04:39 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was at work and I needed to pee. In my haste, I forgot to lock the door. A coworker walked in on me and I bolted up mid-stream to slam the door back shut. I had pee down my leg and pee squishing in my shoes for the rest of the day. I can still remember his tone of voice, yelling, "Sorry"! FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 080

You deserved it 2 798

By justthinkofyourhand - 13/07/2014 22:36 - United States - Salida

Today, after five years of dating, my boyfriend finally proposed to me. The words "just think of the tax breaks" were uttered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 474

You deserved it 4 952

By Anonymous - 01/11/2017 04:00

Today, three days before their rent was due, my fiancé's friends moved out of our basement without saying a word to us. On their way out, they took an envelope from my locked desk with $800 in it that was for our wedding in six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 206

You deserved it 288

By are you kidding me - 20/10/2014 04:53 - United States - Wichita

Today, I showed up to work and my boss was nowhere to be found. A phone call later, I find out he's in Dubai. Oh, and since I'm his personal assistant, I should be able to take care of matters until he gets back. I've only been his assistant for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 878

You deserved it 2 682

Sibling rivalry

By Anonymous - 08/09/2021 08:00

Today, my youngest son got lost while shopping. I was frantic, but my oldest son didn’t care, his opinion seemed to be "Who cares?" and "Quick, let’s leave before he turns up." He didn’t even unplug his earphones or look up from his phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 723

You deserved it 232

By Larz - 26/01/2011 21:49 - Canada

Today, I woke up to a pile of hair on my floor. I looked in the mirror and realized the hair was from my head. I had a dream about cutting my hair and I guess it came true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 910

You deserved it 3 630

By breakinphones - 20/02/2011 02:03 - United States

Today, I threw my brand new iPhone 4 in the air whilst laying on my bed. It came down, went through my fingers, landed on my balls, then broke on the concrete floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 619

You deserved it 81 589

By Anonymous - 07/01/2012 17:49 - Canada

Today, I tried to discipline my two year old son. Whenever I do this, he starts pointing and imitating me, and I can't help but laugh. This explains why he never listens to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 567

You deserved it 37 730

By Anonymous - 04/02/2011 20:13 - United States

Today, while stocking shelves with canned goods, a kid no older than ten ran down the aisle, knocking down everything in his path. He was followed by his mother who was laughing hysterically. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 658

You deserved it 2 734

By Kikinovak - 13/12/2008 12:06 - France

Today, a driver stole the parking space I was about to pull into. I politely asked him to move. He had a go at me, so I kick his car twice, in front of a few witnesses. The car is fine. I ripped two ligaments in my foot and I'll have a cast for a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 046

You deserved it 41 068

By whoknows?! - 05/02/2010 21:18 - France

Today, I decided to change my boyfriend's background on his phone. As I was in the process of changing it, I noticed his most recent picture is of a naked girl. The naked girl happens to be my 18 year old sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 798

You deserved it 5 002

By Anon - 15/03/2016 06:52 - United States - Pasco

Today, my boyfriend and I were reminiscing and sharing funny stories of when we were little. It was then that he told me he used to be flexible enough to suck his own weiner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 757

You deserved it 3 020

By Anza - 29/06/2011 06:12 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum told me that my sister's little kiddie swing wouldn't hold my weight. I told her she was being stupid, and went on anyway. A broken ankle and two pins in my elbow later, I'm willing to accept this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 141

You deserved it 59 287

By shithappens - 31/03/2019 14:00

Today. I went on a date with a really great guy. After the date we went to his place and had drinks in the hottub. I ended up shitting myself.FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 150

You deserved it 625

By pathetic - 06/11/2013 13:04 - United States - Lincoln

Today, my grocery shopping consisted of Poptarts, SpaghettiOs, Lucky Charms, Popsicles, Easy Mac, and Twinkies. I'm a 25-year-old woman with no kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 947

You deserved it 22 533

Alone

By shit - 30/05/2019 06:00

Today, I was in a public restroom trying to take a dump. It's difficult for me to do it in public, so to make it easier I kept telling myself, "Nobody's here, you're all alone." I then heard, "No you're not." I didn't realize I was saying it out loud. And that I wasn't alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 709

You deserved it 675

By anonymous - 17/07/2013 04:48 - United States - Katy

Today, I had to pull one of those toy stretchy hands out of my dog's butthole. It slapped me in the face when I finally got it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 570

You deserved it 7 373

By blue - 25/08/2012 21:59 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my swimming coach made us swim fifty laps non-stop as punishment for his previous class being unable to swim a drill properly. They're 8-11 year olds who are still learning to swim. I feel like my arms and legs are filled with lead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 156

You deserved it 2 339

By ferret702 - 05/02/2016 12:04 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, in the current company I'm employed by, I have a better chance at gambling my way to the top, as opposed to working my way up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 091

You deserved it 1 791

By Anonymous - 23/04/2013 16:24 - United States

Today, I took my Spanish test, and I felt very confident. I got the test back later, and saw my teacher had written on it: "Congrats on the 94%, but I know you cheated." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 847

You deserved it 7 430

By madari - 21/10/2012 23:11 - Spain - Benalm?dena

Today, my husband and I went to marriage counselling. I confessed something that was bothering me, but he didn't understand. Our counselor repeated word-for-word what I said right back at him. He turned to me angrily and shouted, "Why couldn't you just say that the first time?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 013

You deserved it 2 803

By now sharing the blessing - 21/11/2018 23:00 - United States - New York

Today, while battling a severe flu, I was forced to come to work by my manager. Upon arrival, I discovered that a colleague he likes who should be covering for me is out today. The reason? Her shoes hurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 074

You deserved it 156

By airhead2015 - 12/02/2014 17:57 - United States - Morristown

Today, I ran out of toilet paper. I yelled from the bathroom for my parents to bring me some toilet paper. My dad slipped one tiny piece of toilet paper under the door and boomed, "THE FINAL TEST." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 351

You deserved it 5 665

Bad car day

By Jess - 12/03/2021 14:01

Today, I got not one but two flat tires after hitting two separate potholes big enough to take chunks out if my original rim and to bend the shit out of my spare. This was in about a 3 mile radius and within minutes of each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 873

You deserved it 165

By Anonymous - 29/12/2010 03:20 - United States

Today, I was giving myself a breast exam for lumps. I heard laughing, looked around and saw that the 12 year-old neighbor and his friends were watching through the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 996

You deserved it 12 460

By Anonymous - 09/03/2017 12:00 - United States

Today, while e-mailing my dream college, I noticed you can see other people's profile pictures when I saw a lady I've met before. I've been using this e-mail account to communicate with all the colleges and universities. My profile picture is baby Elmo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 978

You deserved it 4 286

Get out

By Leave me alone, bitch!!! - 20/11/2021 02:00

Today, I found out that my mother changed all the locks of the house and threw away all of my girlfriend's stuff. I don't know what the fuck happened there. I actually bought the house two years ago because I had enought of her being nosey and controlling with both of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 303

You deserved it 84

By Me - 31/01/2010 05:01 - United States

Today, I got to talk to the guy I like. Thinking it would be about something pleasant. I was completely wrong. It was about the guy who sits in front of me and his masturbation problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 569

You deserved it 3 152

By icandothecancan - 21/06/2014 23:14 - United States - Duncan

Today, while in the yard, my 18-month-old son decided to take off running into the road, where a car was driving. I rushed after him, only for one of my dress straps to suddenly break without warning. It must have looked like I was trying to flag down the driver with my flailing tit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 547

You deserved it 6 113

By Keaton - 15/06/2010 16:58 - United States

Today, I got a bird as a pet. I thought it would be funny to put it on my head and take a picture. When the flash went off the bird flew off my head and pooped at the same time. You could see it in the picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 345

You deserved it 44 885

By Sweeney - 20/05/2009 17:54 - United States

Today, I decided to finally use the gym membership I got a few weeks ago. After I returned to the locker room, the locker I used was opened with all my stuff, including my iTouch, cell phone, and my wallet with cash stolen. It turns out I left the sticker that tells you your combo on my new lock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 924

You deserved it 76 161

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Top comments

green2go 14

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:21

That's a pain in the ass

DocBastard 38

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:25

Good luck healing your second asshole with a third asshole in the house.

green2go 14

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:21

That's a pain in the ass

lolipop1234_fml 7

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:27

Don't you mean pain in the hole :D

itsharkley 8

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:29

Hole lotta pain

Futacy 29

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:42

1- LOL cliche, but funny

dinorider_fml 4

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:48

Sounds like OP needs an a-cyst-tent to kick their sibling's ass

lolipop1234_fml 7

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:51

31- That was great!!

habibiiiiiii 2

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 23:23

Op needs to punch her in the boob. Hard.

Futacy 29

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 23:50

46- for all we know, she could be ten years old... none of this OO yet

Jjgibbs 5

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 23:50

Sound someone is a little butthurt ;)

CheeseTron 15

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 0:13

Well thats cyst insensitive.

priceyfml 7

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 1:07

That's a half assed pun.

Kaatosade 9

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 4:37

That's when you decide to accidentally trip her down the stairs.

AaronGuy 12

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 4:43

100, *ass-identally.

Grimmerie 31

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 6:16

I'm enjoying these jokes, butt aren't they a bit insensitive?

Softballchhickk 11

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 7:14

I incyst, they're not insensitive (:

HerroMaylaHerro 6

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Thursday 18 October 2012 0:45

OP's sister sounds like an ass

FATTY_MCDOOGLE 29

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Monday 22 October 2012 21:45

Find a way to get her back.

Aratiti 8

Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:21

Why would you randomly kick your sibling hard in the butt?

Psych101 9

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:24

You're an only child, aren't you?

lilhellian 26

Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:27

You sir are illiterate. Do reread the fml.

Psych101 9

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:29

17- If you're talking to me, I was replying to 2. That's why it was a reply.

gTOtheT 7

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:42

Because that's what siblings do. Me and my sister slap each other in the butt all the time. It's sibling love!!

JuliannVo 11

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 23:10

It could have been just for fun or an accident.

528Alice491 3

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 23:39

Why wouldn't you? O.o Tripping, kicking, punching, pantsing, thumping, teasing... Some of our greatest stories and scars are from kicking each others asses as kids. And teens. And now were making new ones as young adults. It's a love that never fades. I hope to run my sister over with my wheelchair in my old age.

Futacy 29

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 23:49

21- I'm pretty sure she was replying to #2

hatesfate 6

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 23:49

41 - how do you accidentally kick someone in their ass? I can see if they were playing soccer or another sport, but its doubtful since the OP just had a cyst removed that they would be doing that.

LeaAnne94 17

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 1:44

Why wouldn't you? That's what siblings do.

AaronGuy 12

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 4:46

29, no, that's incest.

Futacy 29

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 5:23

102- seriously? and i suppose kissing eachother on the cheek or forehead is too? or hugging eachother? they're signs of sibling affection. Long story short; you obviously don't have siblings that you grew up with.

green2go 14

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 5:45

Me and my sister get into it all the time

spiritfang11237 16

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 6:07

Sounds like me and my sister. Hell, my friends and I do that as well. Of course, they also know there are repercussions for actions done, and usually harsher ones for actions done against sick or injured members of our group. Get back at her when you are feeling better, but not when she is injured or sick.

Grimmerie 31

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 6:19

My brother threw a mattress at me this morning. Siblings kick the shit out of each other.

Aratiti 8

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 6:39

"You" can actually mean any person in general. I knew it was the person who wrote this who was the "victim", and the "you" stands for "someone". Don't correct other people's grammar if you're not even right. Also, I have my own brother, and I mean we argue, but we don't kick eachother.randomly.

hatesfate 6

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 8:00

^just admit you failed and move on

CatchMe25 16

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 8:20

108 - I'm assuming that I'm the only one that caught that 29 said they slap each other "in the ass"? That's probably what prompted 102's comment...

hatesfate 6

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 10:34

^whos a bright little crayon... That's right, you are!

gTOtheT 7

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 22:36

102- I'm pretty sure that not incest. It's love. It's not like we're slapping each other in a sexual way. It's just funny.

CatchMe25 16

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 22:47

Hatesfate...I'd rather be a bright crayon than a malignant blastoma like you. Maybe you should cut back on the haterade a bit

TurtleSmile 14

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:21

Did she know?

Clioo_fml 17

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:31

Does it matter? She was probably in pain before the kick...just imagine what she's feeling now.

lacespace 8

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:53

Well it kind of matters whether she was intentionally being an asshole or not

Inheritance 10

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 0:07

Nope 3 she didn't because you know siblings don't care about each others well being or health. She just felt like being a bitch and doing that.

SystemofaBlink41 27

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 5:23

35- well under both circumstances she'd still be an asshole, but under the "knowing" circumstance it'd be extra asshole-ish...

Eila1996 5

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:22

If she knew about it, then she is a bitch!

countrygirl626 16

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:24

I would think the sister would know that their sibling was having surgery.

Eila1996 5

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:26

Yeah, I just wanted to make sure.

satanic_fml 13

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:22

what an asshole

EagorLuvsBigFoot 8

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 3:24

Really puts a new meaning to it eh

xLIGHTS_fml 23

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:23

Did it explode o.o

BeaterOfTheDrums 15

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 0:12

If it did, does that make op an ass-blaster?

RaggleFrock 13

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 1:34

No. It was removed, they packed the crater it left behind with gauze.

bReLiNg 18

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 13:10

It must've been HUGE! I had one on my face and I needed two operations. But on the ass! God poor OP :(

ZiplockP 0

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Thursday 18 October 2012 19:00

The cyst was already removed dumbass.

Shleebs 12

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:24

Your life sounds rough.

JrLee87 6

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Thursday 13 December 2012 20:43

Hey

toxic_love_sick 0

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:24

Dick move :/

JerryH 9

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 23:08

I think you mean ass move

DocBastard 38

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:25

Good luck healing your second asshole with a third asshole in the house.

gc327072 30

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 23:16

I bet OP's feeling pretty butthurt about this whole thing.

outoftown 26

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 0:12

Unfortunately, insurance won't cover removal of the third asshole.

Ajwc101 24

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 7:09

I like what you did their Doc.

DarksideDoll 31

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Sunday 7 December 2014 7:15

I laughed way harder at this than I'd like to admit.

lilhellian 26

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:25

hmm a new hole vs a new crack. discussion time:)

BellaBelle_fml 23

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 11:57

Wait, what?

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 13

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 28

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 126

You deserved it 2 424

Gag reflex

Bridezilla strikes again

Happy Valentine's Day anyway

Sibling rivalry

Alone

Bad car day

Get out

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