Health: Today, I had to help my dad remove a splinter. From his butt.... - FML

By Anonymous - 19/02/2010 00:44 - United States

Today, I had to help my dad remove a splinter. From his butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 996

You deserved it 2 788

Taking stock

Leave us alone

Mr Commitment

By absense - 16/03/2016 07:43 - United Kingdom

Today, after returning to work from a week-long sickness, I sent out an apologetic email to all of my clients to explain my lack of communication due to absence. I realised afterwards I had put the subject line as 'Absense'. And sent it to all of my clients. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 512

You deserved it 3 908

By brick - 14/05/2018 10:00 - United States - Geneva

Today, I went to sleep at 7am. I learned once that Indians used to drink tons of water before bed to force themselves awake so I did that in case my alarm (which I hooked up to my speakers) didn't work. The alarm worked, but the shock of the blasting sound made me pee my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 102

You deserved it 3 039

By Anonymous - 14/04/2014 10:12 - Malta - Qormi

Today, after a dental appointment, my lips were numb. On the bus on my way back home, the cutest girl smiled at me. In attempt to smile back, I forgot my lips were numb and ended up spitting my chewing gum at her. I had to switch buses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 105

You deserved it 5 965

By Anonymous - 25/10/2011 01:29 - United States

Today, I proudly presented my research project in class that I've worked for day and night for 3 weeks straight. My teacher fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 439

You deserved it 3 522

By Badhusky - 29/08/2018 20:30

Today, I had to carry the dead weight of my 90-pound husky upstairs to the bath because he hates it. He cried the entire time, loudly. He then rolled in the dirt when I let him outside to pee not even an hour later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 708

You deserved it 487

Hyperpoop

By Elongated Muskrat - 17/05/2021 00:01 - France

Today, a friend of mine enthusiastically explained to me how Elon Musk's car-tunnel-thing is supposed to work. I don't know what's worse, the dumbass tunnel or the fact that my friend thinks it's an amazing idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 402

You deserved it 1 000

Tasty!

By Sad and hungry - 25/04/2020 17:00

Today, my in-laws invited us over to dinner. I decided to help out in the kitchen and watched in horror as my mother-in-law licked every utensil, sucked her fingers while making the plates and slurped wine straight from the bottle. My husband said I was rude for refusing to eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 867

You deserved it 215

Lonely

By GinaD - 02/05/2021 11:01

Today, my friend got an engagement ring. She’s been with her boyfriend for 2 years and it started as a one-night stand. Whenever I have one-night stands, the only thing I get is left on "read". FML

I agree, your life sucks 404

You deserved it 647

By boyBYE - 16/11/2016 23:30 - United States - Pleasant Grove

Today, when my ex said he wanted to be friends, what he meant was that he wanted me to help him hook up with 18-year-olds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 320

You deserved it 947

By Anonymous - 22/10/2011 01:33 - United States

Today, I introduced my new boyfriend to my parents. Everyone knows he's into the emo scene, but this didn't stop my dad from slowly looking him up and down, then saying, completely deadpan, "You never told us you were a lesbian, honey." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 063

You deserved it 37 418

By SomeoneElse - 14/07/2009 13:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I was in a music shop looking for a new guitar when someone called out someone else's name and jumped on my back. I lost balance and fell forward and broke 3 guitars and damaged another 6. The guy said "Sorry, thought you were someone else" and ran out. I now have to pay £2500. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 246

You deserved it 3 348

By anonymous - 20/12/2010 11:23

Today, while I was walking home from work, it started to rain. Clutching my bag in one hand, I started to run so I wouldn't get too wet. I saw a man running towards me and all of a sudden he tackled me to the ground. He thought I had stolen someone's handbag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 030

You deserved it 3 247

By fuckthat - 18/02/2009 05:08 - United States

Today, my grandmother called. She greeted me by my mother's name. When I told her it was not my mother, she apologized and corrected herself, but this time she addressed me as my sister. When I told her it was not my sister either, she said "Sorry, wrong number" and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 438

You deserved it 3 320

By squirrels69ing - 22/05/2011 01:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was driving back home with my mom when we saw two squirrels having sex in the road. I told her to just honk the horn. She said that I was being selfish, that sex is a beautiful thing, and that we should let them finish. We sat there for at least five minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 699

You deserved it 6 210

By Anonymous - 29/11/2014 21:54 - United States - North Adams

Today, I asked my girlfriend's father for permission to take his daughter's hand in marriage. He asked me "Which one?" I said "Uh, the one I'm dating... Lisa." He belched and said, "Yeah sure, throw 'er off a cliff for all I care. Piss off, boy." So much for chivalry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 413

You deserved it 3 713

Taking the piss

By allie - 31/05/2021 22:01

Today, my mom forced me to take a drug test while she watched. I couldn’t do it due to nerves, so she grounded me because, "there's no way I would be nervous unless I was doing drugs." Nope, just a shy bladder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 943

You deserved it 88

Shame on you!

By Bjax - 11/10/2017 16:00

Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5am to tell me she was mad at me. Apparently I did something bad in her dream. She still won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 638

You deserved it 375

By Anonymous - 24/06/2012 05:01 - United States - Sacramento

Today, my boyfriend told me I was almost perfect. And the only reason I'm not completely perfect is because I don't like Mountain Dew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 298

You deserved it 29 635

Oops.

By Marcilor001 - 10/08/2018 20:30

Today, I realized I have a weight problem. My brother excitedly showed me his new high-end scale and measured his weight, then our other brothers. I took one step on it and the screen read "E". It then shut off and hasn't turned on since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 610

You deserved it 696

By Classy Broad - 15/05/2019 22:15

Today, I learned that my hair color is classified as "Buttered Toast". FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 315

You deserved it 271

By CreeptacularBait - 27/05/2018 19:00

Today, after over a month of running to lose weight, I can’t walk without crying from the shooting pain in my legs. My husband is upset that I won’t go to the grocery store, make his lunch, or go hiking with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 412

You deserved it 792

By Faluna - 17/02/2011 21:27 - Sweden

Spicy

Today, I found out that the mysterious yellow mould that won't come off my apartment floor is in fact the remains of a condom my room-mate used when she was f*cking her boyfriend in my bed. Afterwards, she apparently threw it on the floor and let it lie there. For three weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 166

You deserved it 4 192

By BaliTheDog - 24/03/2013 23:01 - France

Today, I was walking my dog when he stopped in the middle of the street and took a dump. I looked around furtively but saw nobody, so I just kept walking. I stepped in it on the way back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 003

You deserved it 97 356

By kana__ - 21/01/2015 16:26 - Japan

Today, my sister got her retouched wedding photos. Apparently one of the things she had the professional do was edit me out of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 230

You deserved it 2 634

By jdancerchick - 16/11/2011 13:47 - United States

Today, while driving and singing, I noticed a large fly inside my car. I stopped singing so it wouldn't fly into my mouth. That didn't stop it from flying up my nose, causing me to swerve and drive into a ditch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 202

You deserved it 4 697

By milf - 06/08/2012 01:10 - United States - Muncie

Today, I was changing my son's diaper when he said "Momma." Astonished that he'd finally spoken, I clapped and smiled proudly. My clap scared the crap out of him. Literally. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 120

You deserved it 5 219

By expassword - 17/12/2010 00:20 - United States

Today, I asked my wife for her computer password because my computer crashed. After minutes of begging she finally told me. Turns out that her password happens to be her ex's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 033

You deserved it 3 709

It's all downhill from here

By Brenna - 17/11/2021 10:59

Today, I woke up realizing my 40th birthday is on Sunday and I’ll only have about 40 more years to live after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 667

You deserved it 222

By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 08:21 - Australia

Today, I won an award at school for my hard work. Afterwards, my parents told me off. Why? They wanted my brother to get it instead of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 626

You deserved it 1 953

Not the sharpest tool

By Anonymous - 10/07/2021 02:01

Today, it became apparent that my new boyfriend has the mental process where unless you give him specific instructions, he can’t do anything right. Such as when asking him to let the dog out, it won’t occur to him to let the dog back in until I get home. By then the dog had destroyed the garden out of boredom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 793

You deserved it 220

By emih - 21/02/2010 08:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came to my workplace and presented me with a lock of his hair. His pubic hair that he'd just cut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 472

You deserved it 3 120

Thanks for the input

By SBCR - 07/12/2012 06:01 - United States - Ankeny

Today, my best friend announced she was getting married. I've always wanted to be a bridesmaid but she then added, "You can't be in the bridal party because you don't have the same body type as the other bridesmaids. But you can still come to the bachelorette party!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 384

You deserved it 2 983

Detained

By Sonakshi - 11/09/2020 13:03 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I forgot to bring a letter to my secondary school, so I went to detention. I told them it got lost, but it's only when my parents phoned and told them the same thing that they believed it. So I got detention for nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 141

You deserved it 195

By Anonymous - 20/08/2009 23:34 - United States

Today, it was my first day of school as a freshman. I soon became lost and decided to ask a senior for directions to my class. They smiled at me and said "It's on the third floor to the right." After ten minutes of walking up and down stairs and hallways, I discovered there is no third floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 450

You deserved it 20 921

Painful

By rise - 08/05/2021 10:59

Today, I had a massive, pounding headache. I asked my mom for some painkillers and she said, "No. You don’t deserve pain relief. Ever. For anything." What? FML

I agree, your life sucks 966

You deserved it 57

By justdancebbyx3 - 06/06/2010 05:23 - United States

Today, I logged onto Facebook and found out that my own mother unfriended me because she didn't want her new boyfriend to know that she had a daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 886

You deserved it 2 997

Phone holder

By my arms hurt - 25/11/2019 20:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I had to sit in between two boys on a two-hour bus ride. They were watching a movie and each of them had shared an earphone. They made me hold the phone up so both of them could see the screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 149

You deserved it 1 815

By preggers - 30/11/2011 14:57 - Canada

Today, my husband asked me if I was really pregnant or if I was just smuggling cheeseburgers. I'm now referred to as "the hamburgler." I'm only 5 months pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 485

You deserved it 3 920

By Meh - 18/07/2009 15:51 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was surprising my husband because our sex life is lacking. We have planned sex tuesday night, every week, with the lights off. When he came home for lunch, I was nude and waiting for him. He took one look and said, "I forgot you looked like that. Meh, I'm going back to work." FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 890

You deserved it 8 498

The truth

By Theaccident - 22/01/2011 10:03 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my mum told me how I was only here because my dad couldn't pull out in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 915

You deserved it 3 640

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Friday 19 February 2010 9:21

Just, whatever you do, don't ask him how it got there. You're probably better off not knowing.

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Friday 19 February 2010 9:18

lol atleast your father appreciates you taking a splinter out from his butt :)

Comments

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Friday 19 February 2010 9:18

lol atleast your father appreciates you taking a splinter out from his butt :)

JaquanKennedyFML 0

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Friday 19 February 2010 9:20

wow lol

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Friday 19 February 2010 10:00

why did you do it? you could have refused

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Friday 19 February 2010 10:11

could have been his cock...

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Friday 19 February 2010 10:21

I am sick of seeing snickerdoodles pic it's sooo confusing r u a little boy or a Tiney girl it's driving me nuts change ur damn pic or get a life and stay away from other ppls miserable life dude or dudett???

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Friday 19 February 2010 13:21

when your friends ask, just say father and son bonding time.

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Friday 19 February 2010 13:39

thats soooooo hawt!

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Friday 19 February 2010 13:56

so he has wood in his ass?

nmsm 1

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Friday 19 February 2010 13:58

How?

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Friday 19 February 2010 15:24

WIN skullbashd!!

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Friday 19 February 2010 19:35

1.why was your dad sitting on splintery wood with no pants on? 2.why could he not get it out himself? 3.was there no one else he could have asked besides his probably teenage daughter?

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Saturday 20 February 2010 5:32

^^ youuuuuuu suckkkkkkkkk

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Saturday 20 February 2010 7:31

@24 I think there would be worse things to worry about if he had a splinter in his cock. like how the hell it got there.

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Saturday 20 February 2010 12:08

@44 op is a woman...

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Monday 22 March 2010 7:17

I smell butt buddy

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Friday 19 February 2010 9:18

Not really an fml. Families help each other and I'm sure he'd do the same for you. Besides, how could he reach it himself?

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Friday 19 February 2010 14:38

WHO CANT REACH THIER ASS??? 0_0 Thats kinda nasty yo. I mean. HOW DO U WIPE IF U CANT REACH 0_0

derschadenfreude 5

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Friday 19 February 2010 15:08

hello? that's clearly what OP is for, 53. sorry you're the pleasure slave of your dad's ass. incest ftw

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Sunday 17 July 2011 21:29

so your saying that if your dad asked you to remove a splinter from his butt , youd do it ? um .. woow .. gross .

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Friday 19 February 2010 9:19

mmmm that's sexy

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Saturday 11 September 2010 19:28

YDI for having dad with a splinter in his ass.

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Friday 19 February 2010 9:19

hahahaha at least you're willing to help him!

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Friday 19 February 2010 9:21

yuk yuk yuk

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Friday 19 February 2010 10:48

hey your hot zuuzuu . any other hot pics?

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Thursday 25 February 2010 10:11

wtfux? i only aske for other pictures . its not like im gonna rape her or anythin. >.<

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Friday 19 February 2010 9:21

Just, whatever you do, don't ask him how it got there. You're probably better off not knowing.

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Friday 19 February 2010 9:27

hmm wood in his ass... ouch

quietlytearful 0

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Friday 19 February 2010 13:17

haha. #13 ftw.:P

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Friday 19 February 2010 9:23

I think everybody in this site is better off not knowing

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Friday 19 February 2010 9:23

@7 WIN :) it's probly part of some kinky game I wouldn't mind playing

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Friday 19 February 2010 9:24

fun

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Friday 19 February 2010 9:26

I hope he learned his lesson about wooden butt plugs.

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 8

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 16

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 98

You deserved it 1 934

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 845

You deserved it 189