By Anonymous - 8/10/2020 14:01 - United States - Allentown

A mother's love…

Today, I crawled into my mom's room to tell her my stomach was in massive pain. She ended up throwing me out of the room while spraying me with Lysol. My appendix was about to burst and I needed surgery. FML

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Dangling modifier

Taking stock

Buyer's market

By Anonymous

Today, I found out why my husband is suddenly uninterested in sex. Apparently one of the secretaries at work has finally turned 18, and it's pretty much an open secret among his coworkers that they fuck anywhere from 2 to 5 times a day. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband accused me of cheating on him and demanded to look through my phone. When he found nothing, he admitted to having his first gay experience this weekend and just wanting something to “even the field” before telling me. FML

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By Anonymos_fmler - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I was shopping when a woman stopped me and asked me what lipgloss I was wearing because my lips looked gorgeous. I had to explain to her it was just the grease from the Slim Jim I had just eaten. FML

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By disaster... - United States

Today, my mom and my step dad decided they're getting a divorce. They've been married for 2 weeks and I paid for a quarter of the wedding. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I was asked to leave a church service for laughing at the kids trying to sing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Doylestown

Today, my dad stopped me mid-sentence and said he wanted to punch me in the face and set me on fire for using the word "selfie". FML

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By insomniac

Today, my sister is nursing an injured cat back to health in our home because she accidentally hit it with her car. Now I can't decide which is contributing more to my insomnia: the incessant meowing, or the constant itching because our house is infested with fleas. FML

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By fuck you dad - Ireland - Carrickmacross

Today, my dad yet again uttered the words "well, that escalated quickly," while watching the news. He uses this godforsaken meme multiple times a day. I lost my shit and told him to just shut up already. He raised an eyebrow and said, "well, that escalated quickly." FML

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By Tabby - United Kingdom

Today, I had to tell my teenage son that no, his knowledge of the English language was not passed down to him genetically. FML

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By Super Confused - United States - Fremont

Today, I got my graded essay from my teacher. Earlier, he'd said that it was "too specific", and that I should change it to be "more general and debatable". Now that I've got it back, the first comments on the paper are, "Your thesis is too general, be more specific." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my grandmother has been complaining that I spend too much on food, so I started cooking food from scratch. I happily showed her my recipe book and encouraged her to try a few. She then mocked me for wasting time by not buying frozen food. FML

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By where do they come from - United States - Bellingham

Today, I had to explain what "cashback" was to a customer. She called me a liar and wanted to talk to a manager because she felt I made up the concept. I'm the manager. She wouldn't believe me and waited in the store for an hour. Apparently this is what a Masters degree gets me. FML

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By donguigeek - France

Today, my 4-year-old son is distraught. This morning we saw a man, dressed as Santa, passed out drunk on a public bench. My son is now convinced that it was his corpse, and that Santa Claus is dead. FML

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By dumb mother - United States

Today, my mother yelled at me for standing too close to the microwave. Her reason? The radiation was going to seep through, kill my sperm and cause cancer. FML

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By sillygoose - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor to check the dark growth I just discovered on my back. It was chocolate. FML

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By replaced - United States - Marietta

Today, my boss fired me because his girlfriend wanted the job I had. She has no experience whatsoever in my line of work, it was just his "anniversary present" for her. FML

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By LadyChristina25 - United States

Today, I witnessed a horrible car accident and was interviewed by the local news. During the interview I said, "It was terrible. It was like watching a silent movie... but there was sound!" The interview has been aired 6 times. FML

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By Boo Boo - United States

Today, I went to get my blood drawn to see how far along I am pregnant. The lady stuck both my arms twice and then busted a vein in my right arm. She told me to come back tomorrow to try again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I helped my parents move out of their old house. While I was guiding my dad down the stairs with the couch, my mom asked me to pick up the tape on the step below me. I bent over and grunted. My dad thought I said "Go" and kept moving. He knocked me down two flights of steps. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had my boyfriend come over for dinner for the first time. It was all going well until my dad started explaining to my boyfriend how to use toilet paper. He even demonstrated it. FML

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By ohman - United States

Today, I was walking down the street and while stopped at a light, this old man waved at me. Thinking nothing of it, I walked through a parking lot to get to where I was going, where he not only followed me, but mistook me for a prostitute. It was 5pm. FML

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By Overlord247 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, due to sleep deprivation, I wasn't paying attention to where the elevator stopped. I walked into a flat, thinking it was mine. It wasn't. It was the flat just beneath mine. FML

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By wifeofafainter - United States - Bronx

Today, I told my husband I was pregnant, then he fainted. FML

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By boinger - United States

Today, I meant to express to my friends that I was enamored with a young saleswoman I had encountered at a store. I wanted to tell them that she was quite petite and that I am, in general, attracted to petite women. Instead I said "You know? I like little girls." FML

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By anon - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, after taking a guy home and getting frisky, he woke up in the middle of the night, got out of bed, and peed on my desk. That's 2 years of uni work and my laptop soaked through. FML

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By jag talar - Canada

Today, I came home to visit my family after a year at college. Expecting to impress them, I proudly informed them that I now speak fluent Swedish. Imagine my surprise when my mother said, "That's a useless language" and everyone agreed. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, in the spirit of Christmas, I let a spider live in my room. I normally kill them, because I'm scared of waking up with one on my face. I woke up with it on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Goldendale

Today, I walked into my room, only to find my 15-year-old brother violating my old teddy bear. FML

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By lbailey32 - United States - Seneca Falls

Today, my boyfriend decided the best way to inform me of his shoplifting tendencies was to steal stuff while we were at Starbucks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my boyfriend's 21st birthday. Along with a pair of $80 shoes, I bought him a birthday cake, his favorite ice cream and a $15 balloon. I showed up to the party and he was very intoxicated. So intoxicated that he pops the balloon, drops the cake, and throws up all over his new shoes. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 20:01

Neuter your pets

Today, our cat is in heat. Her male counterpart is sitting outside my bedroom door, serenading her loudly, and has sprayed his piss all over the house, making sure she cannot escape him broadcasting his availability. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, I was in a very crowded train coming home from work. I saw a cute guy sitting across from me. As I lifted my one leg to hook it over my other leg, I let out a loud fart. All I could do was sit there and wait for my stop. FML

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By Claustrophobic - United States

Today, I was on a plane in the aisle seat; the guy in the middle was encroaching on my space, and the window seat was not taken. The stewardess noticed my discomfort and suggested the guy move so we both had space. He had bought both seats and "liked sitting in the middle." FML

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By blah! - United States - Newington

Today, my grandkids went around my house claiming items to inherit. FML

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By handyman13 - United States

Today, I found out that I have a warrant for my arrest, because I was fishing without a fishing license. FML

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By shitballs_911 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my friend's paintball party and we were doing it in a forest nearby. When I arrived at his house, his parents said they already started, so I geared up and went out there to find that there was a note on a tree. It said 'Sorry', and then twenty people jumped from bushes and ambushed me. FML

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By alice - United Kingdom

Today, on the bus, water kept dripping on my head so I stood up to move. As I got up, the bus turned round a corner and I fell over into a man's lap. When I tried to get up, I slipped down between his legs. FML

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By outofajob - United States - Farmington

Today, I gave feedback on how the store is run at the owners' request, because they don't understand why everyone keeps quitting. I guess they took it personally, because they asked me not to come back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out how it feels to get your nut-sack caught in a belt buckle. FML

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By jack

Today, my shoulder was pulled out of its socket when I was helping a customer load a desk into his vehicle and he decided to answer his cell phone. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7943678 - Thursday 8 October 2020 23:40

I hope you mean EX-mom!

By tounces7 | 27

#7943703 - Friday 9 October 2020 3:34

She sounds like a piece of shit, frankly.

COMMENTS

By 123Puppy | 31

#7943677 - Thursday 8 October 2020 23:40

She’s a terrible mother...Sorry OP. :(

By RichardPencil | 29

#7943678 - Thursday 8 October 2020 23:40

I hope you mean EX-mom!

By Marcella1016 | 31

#7943690 - Friday 9 October 2020 2:23

And they say nothing is stronger than a mother’s love...

Except maybe the fear of COVID.

By tounces7 | 27

#7943703 - Friday 9 October 2020 3:34

She sounds like a piece of shit, frankly.

By Hangryko | 17

#7943725 - Friday 9 October 2020 5:49

How are you doing now, OP?

If you're a minor, call CPS; that's child neglect. Even if you're not, she could be charged with assault and possibly reckless endangerment.