Today, I found out my boyfriend was going to propose. He'd bought... - FML

By Anonymous - 18/5/2019 14:25

Today, I found out my boyfriend was going to propose. He'd bought me a beautiful white gold ring that I never got to see. His estranged mom stole the ring. FML

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You can't win sometimes

Crowded House

A beautiful truck decoration

By Anonymous - 24/8/2018 18:30

Today, in front of our family reunion, my daughter accused me of being a racist because I won't let her date a black man. I do not have a racist bone in my body; this man is an actual gang member and he has killed people before. Nobody believes me. FML

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By fuckmyjob - 19/6/2014 20:10 - United States - Lake Charles

Today, at my first day working at Walmart, a customer asked if we have any egg cookers. I said I wasn't sure, but that I'd be "eggstatic" to go ask for him. The first clue I got to suggest he hated puns was him yelling "Don't get smart with me, boy!" and then threatening to kill me. FML

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By RadioactiveKush - 1/3/2015 07:07 - United States - Monroe

Today, my drunken mom began to frantically scream "YEAH" "WOO HOO" and "ALRIGHT" at some kindergarteners that were singing Amazing Grace in honor of a restaurant owner who had recently died. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2015 17:28 - United States - Macon

Today, I went to visit my senile grandma, since she's ill and nobody else in the family visits her. I ended up having to sit through a long rant about the Illuminati, black people, and how we'd have a cure for the common cold already if it weren't for "those god damned foreigners". FML

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By fatty - 21/11/2012 06:20 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I yet again purposely avoided the 'Health and Fitness' section on pinterest to keep my self-esteem up. FML

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By schmoodles - 7/5/2009 00:20 - United States

Today, as I was running a cute guy was coming towards me. As he was passing me, he yelled "nice tush!" I said thanks and slapped my ass flirtatiously. He stopped running, laughed and pointed to my crotch, replying "No, I said nice BUSH" I looked down to see my shorts had rode up a bit too high. FML

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By fail - 14/4/2011 22:27 - Canada

Today, to impress my friends, I attempted to do a back flip. The only one impressed was the doctor who set my broken leg. FML

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By BeautifulDisastre - 23/12/2009 10:24 - United States

Today, I drove the six hours to LA to attend my Uncle's birthday party. When I tried to get off at the exit, it took me two hours just to get onto the street where the club was. By the time I showed up, the party was already over, so I ended up going to a Denny's. I drove eight hours for a Denny's. FML

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By theyreallydosmell - 4/2/2011 00:59

Today, I came home from a vacation. It had snowed, so I decided to shovel the front walk. While shoveling, I found a dead skunk frozen solid on the sidewalk. I tried to pick it up with my shovel, but it stuck. It won't move 'til the ice melts. FML

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By NC - 11/2/2010 07:32 - Malaysia

Today, I spilled some milk on my laptop. I was pretty sure it would be fine as it was only a bit of milk. While cleaning the residue, I knocked a whole bucket of water into the insides of the laptop. RIP Macbook. FML

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By Ouch - 21/1/2012 00:29 - United States

Today, the vibrator I ordered online was delivered. I'd paid extra to make sure it would be here before the weekend, so I could sneak it into my room while everyone was gone. My dad decided to stay home all day and answer the door ahead of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2013 23:44 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I had an anxiety attack just from thinking about appearing on TV and being watched by a real audience. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2013 23:34 - United States - Brimfield

Today, I got to wash my ex-wife's dishes at her apartment while her new boyfriend played with my daughter in the living room. FML

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By OMGraven - 19/2/2010 08:24 - United States

Today, I returned home to find that my boyfriend's dog had gotten into the garbage and ripped all my used pads to shreds. There's a trail of Always tatters leading to his dog bed, and blood everywhere. My blood. Oh God. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2010 23:40 - United States

Today, I found out that my entire school differentiates me from another girl in my grade with the same name by saying "No, she's the lesbian one." I'm straight. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2010 20:48 - United States

Today, my pet rat had babies. We've only ever owned one rat. FML

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By Celeste - 2/3/2010 09:14 - Singapore

Today, I fell asleep in a taxi. So did the taxi driver. FML

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By mystery - 17/6/2012 02:08 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. She hadn't even called me; I saw the news on my Facebook news feed. FML

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By ididlookgood - 13/4/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I went to the gym that I just became a member of, making an extra effort to look good because I've heard there are hot guys there. The lady at the front desk said they need to take my picture, then took a second look and said, "Don't worry hun, we'll take it when you're more prepared." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2009 20:15 - Canada

Today, I woke up after a night of partying and went to the bathroom. That’s when I realized that after passing out with my shoes on last night, my friends decided use a black sharpie and play “connect the dots” with my acne. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2012 08:08 - United States - Redding

Today, my daughter had the words "Always classy, never trashy" tattooed across her lower back in crappy cursive lettering. She doesn't understand the irony. FML

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By stanDman - 19/1/2009 18:05 - Canada

Today, I was jerking one off and my cat jumped out of nowhere and dug his claws into my shaft. Attempting to knock him away resulted in three nasty gashes... that I now have to explain to my wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2015 21:17 - United States - Santa Fe

Today, I went to work and said hi to my boss. He reached towards me. I thought he was trying to give me a hug, so I awkwardly hugged him back. Turned out he was just trying to fix my shirt collar. FML

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By honeynuggetviolin - 1/5/2013 00:31

Today, I spent hours playing my guitar and singing in the street, hoping to make some extra cash. About 3 hours in, I realized some punk had been walking around with a hat taking money as if he was with me. FML

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By z - 5/11/2009 17:20 - United States

Today, I re-joined a popular on-line dating service. I first signed up 3 years ago and was matched with a wonderful woman. After about a year, she broke up with me. I was devastated. After two years of trying to win her back, I decided it's best just to move on. Guess who they matched me with? FML

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By sllaggy - 18/4/2011 09:34

Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's house. I had a shower while he went downstairs. As I went to say goodbye to him, his mother muttered "slut" while pouring him orange juice. FML

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By biker2012 - 1/6/2009 19:13 - United States

Today, there was a parents bike race on the track at my high school for a fundraiser. My dad entered, and ended up winning. He did his victory dance with a massive erection showing through his spandex. Just about all of my friends, teachers, other parents, and the hot soccer team saw. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2015 22:02 - Germany - Lahr

Today, after several sleepless nights full of crying, I went to my university's free help center. After telling the psychologist my problems and asking what to do, he looked at me blankly and said, "Uh, it's not depression, I guess. You should go out more and, like, party some more." FML

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By thefuckedupbunny - 18/8/2019 20:00

Today, while on the train with my dad, my boyfriend sent me a message. It was a nude, and when I looked, my dad saw. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2011 14:39 - United States

Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML

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By nonymous human subject - 14/11/2015 20:02 - United States - Palo Alto

Today, I got to my human anatomy class with a hickey on my neck. Since I sit in the front row, my professor noticed and decided to call me to the front. He then started talking about ruptured blood vessels and hickeys, all while as I served as the subject. FML

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By MGZ - 19/10/2009 02:33 - United States

Today, I told my 13 year old daughter that she was grounded from using her phone. Later on, I get an important call regarding a job that I have been after. After I'd picked up the phone, my daughter starts screaming "HELP! RAPE! HELP!" on the other phone. I don't think I'll be getting the job. FML

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By meatballz - 16/3/2010 04:28 - United States

Today, I went on my first date with a girl I have been infatuated with for months. At the restaurant, the waiter came while she was in the bathroom. I ordered steaks for both of us. Turns out, she is vegetarian, and doesn't like it when men are "overly aggressive". She called me a cow murderer. FML

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By Welp - 3/7/2016 12:39 - Romania

Today, I found out that my company used a nice photo of my coworkers and me for their corporate website, in efforts to make their office seem fun and relaxed. This wouldn't be so bad if they hadn't just fired every single person in the photo, myself included. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2013 17:51 - Finland

Today, I was babysitting a kid for the first time. She asked if she could watch a movie, so I downloaded Cinderella for her. An hour later, this 10-year-old girl was lecturing me about unrealistic standards of beauty and abusive relationships, and how I suck for liking the movie. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2012 02:45 - United States - Miami

Today, I saw on my 17-year-old daughter's floor her "To-Do" list. What was #1? Jump in front of a moving vehicle, in hopes that Edward Cullen will use his vampire speed to save her. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2011 21:34 - United States

Today, in one fell swoop, my testicles and spirits were simultaneously crushed into submission by the girl I like. FML

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By apparantlyStupid - 27/6/2012 23:28 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, I confronted my daughter about the various drug-associated items I found in her room. She then confronted me about going in her room and invading her privacy, to the point where I forgot the main issue and apologised to her. I just got outsmarted by a teenage pothead. FML

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By bored - 12/9/2019 00:02

I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself

Today, I found a deck of Uno cards. Being extremely bored, I decided to put them in order. I now know EXACTLY which cards I'm missing. FML

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By Aries_gurl - 23/10/2018 08:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my sister asked to use my blow dryer, so I gave her the keys to my apartment. When I came home from work, half my clothes were missing. FML

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Top comments

By tounces7 | 26

#7803948 - Saturday 18 May 2019 15:11

At least she won't be able to screw with your lives any more, from her prison cell.

By manb91gb | 14

#7803968 - Saturday 18 May 2019 15:45

She sounds like a very estrange woman...

Comments

By tounces7 | 26

#7803948 - Saturday 18 May 2019 15:11

At least she won't be able to screw with your lives any more, from her prison cell.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7803956 - Saturday 18 May 2019 15:30

Now he’s married to her!

I hope you’re cool with polygamy. The incest part can be tough to swallow

By manb91gb | 14

#7803968 - Saturday 18 May 2019 15:45

She sounds like a very estrange woman...

By bloopaloop | 27

#7803978 - Saturday 18 May 2019 16:26

Doesn’t sound very estranged. You’ll see her again.

By skippydoda | 32

#7804377 - Monday 20 May 2019 0:45

I hope that he got insurance on it.