Miscellaneous: Today, my neighbors left for their nine month excursion, and...

By Anonymous - 16/10/2012 16:38 - United States - Raleigh

Today, my neighbors left for their nine month excursion, and armed their security system. One of the features is a loud series of three beeps every three seconds, 24 hours a day. I can hear it, clear as a bell, throughout my entire house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 325

You deserved it 1 576

Miscellaneous

Triage

Compromises

Must be one hell of a novel

By analgirl - 09/11/2014 13:31 - France - Paris

Today, I found out the only reason my boyfriend asked me out is because he thought I "looked like a girl who'd be into anal". FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 019

You deserved it 4 381

Noise annoys

By SHUTUPDAD! - 17/10/2020 20:02

Today, my dad found his old harmonica. It’s been five hours and he shows no signs of stopping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 020

You deserved it 131

Affection breakdown

By Anonymous - 19/12/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom - Boston

Today, my wife can't be bothered to do anything that isn't work, talk about her work, and sit on the sofa. Then she complains that I don't show any affection, when she can be bothered to even talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 111

By Sam - 27/02/2011 21:42 - United States

Today, I overheard my parents in the kitchen talking about how they wanted to try anal tonight. There is over three and a half feet of snow outside, leaving me no way to escape the horrible sounds and mental images yet to come. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 691

You deserved it 4 277

Get some rest

By Anonymous - 20/06/2021 18:01

Today, I dislocated my shoulder doing a really big stretch when I woke up. After the doctor relocated it, my dad told me I still had to do my chores. No excuses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 830

You deserved it 101

By mental - 25/10/2012 23:09 - United States

Today, after therapy for obsessing over every woman who talks to me, all I could think about was how I could seduce my therapist. I think I still need a lot of help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 557

You deserved it 6 030

By frankie034 - 06/05/2009 07:40 - Australia

Today, I was ordering some clothes from Abercrombie online and I went to measure my bust to check what size I am in American. I got my measurement, checked what size it would be and the size of my bust was not even listed on the website. Great. Now even Abercrombie thinks I have small tits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 593

You deserved it 9 116

By Ca13b - 15/10/2011 07:18 - United States

Today, my brother put pepper spray on my toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 931

You deserved it 3 927

Everyone's a critic

By Anonymous - 24/02/2021 05:01 - United States

Today, I finally left a one-star review for my doctor’s office. I mentioned my doctor was epic, but called them out on their poor billing practices. I got a call saying my awesome doctor actually owns the clinic. My next appointment is going to be so awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 690

You deserved it 291

By nicknick2 - 18/05/2011 16:08 - United States

Today, I was at Walmart with my mom, when a guy next to me let out a series of vicious farts. Assuming it was me, my mom chewed me out in front of the guy and made me apologize. The man looked at my mom and said, "Children, they're so immature." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 972

You deserved it 3 896

By TheDeathguard - 20/07/2017 20:05

Today, a couple yelled at me and reported me to the homeowner association for "watching them make out" at the pool. I'm the lifeguard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 603

You deserved it 277

By ew - 04/10/2009 15:41 - United States

Today, I noticed that my acne has gotten so bad, I can see it out of my peripheral vision. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 013

You deserved it 9 162

By numbnuts - 23/09/2013 05:48 - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, my 2-year-old daughter overheard my wife and I arguing and fixated on one particular insult my wife threw at me. Now my daughter won't stop saying "Daddy a numbnuts", always with a big smile on her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 432

You deserved it 6 029

By I’m bushiest - 27/12/2018 22:00 - Australia - Bankstown

Today after flying 9+ hours to meet my future month in-law I had to take a pee in the rubbish bucket from her car infront of her, I said in my very bad Japanese “so I guess we are good friends now” she responded with a confident “yes” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 082

You deserved it 366

By scooter922 - 15/07/2012 07:45 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got home from the hospital after I burned my hand. Why? I dropped my phone in the pot while stirring hot soup, and I reached in to get it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 202

You deserved it 39 504

Posturing

By Anonymous - 05/08/2021 02:01 - Canada

Today, I researched how to manage chronic tailbone pain from excessive sitting. One of the most consistent pieces of advice was to lean forward when working. My posture is already so bad, my chiropractor says I'm one of his worst clients of all time. I work a desk job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 713

You deserved it 115

By KittyNeko - 28/12/2009 06:26 - United States

Today, I allowed my friend to talk me into going on a date. The guy's truck smelled like formaldehyde - I'm assuming from the snake that he apparently tried to turn into a necklace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 007

You deserved it 3 175

By Amara1717 - 19/08/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I was driving my little sister to school. She really didn't wanna go and was throwing a tantrum in the car. When we stopped at a red light, my sister notices a police man giving a ticket to another driver. She rolled down her window and screamed "Help me! I'm being kidnapped by a murderer!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 015

You deserved it 3 496

By bettercallpeta - 15/02/2013 05:42 - United States

Today, I saw my neighbor's delinquent kid shooting squirrels with a BB gun. Shocked and furious at his cruel behavior, I told him to stop, with the threat of telling his parents. He responded by shooting me in the nuts and running away in a fit of laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 990

You deserved it 11 119

By Anonymous - 24/11/2014 18:47 - United States - Charlottesville

Today, I decided to check out a dating site, when I stumbled across my ex wife's profile. She'd had it for four out of the five years of our marriage. And no, it didn't rate us as a good match. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 747

You deserved it 3 843

By Anonymous - 07/09/2010 05:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I got in an argument so intense that she left saying that we needed to spend some time apart. The argument was over what was the best PIXAR movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 300

You deserved it 25 386

By TiredHomeowner - 16/07/2018 15:00

Today, I realised just how skewed my reality is when I was pleasantly surprised that teenagers threw eggs at my windows. They usually throw rocks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 276

You deserved it 202

By seriously - 17/12/2014 13:33 - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I decided to splurge and get valet parking at a fancy restaurant. I got out of the car and gave the man my keys and watched as he slowly backed my car into another car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 529

You deserved it 3 573

By Fish Breath - 03/06/2016 22:26 - United States - Bloomington

Today, as part of my job at a pet store, I helped our frat house president pick out goldfish for the new aquarium the big brothers are installing over summer break. And, once I'm initiated, I'll get to swallow one of the fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 988

You deserved it 4 086

By greatly disturbed - 07/03/2015 19:09 - United States - Elk Grove

Today, my little sister complained about a young boy in her class always pulling her hair. She asked when boys will stop doing it. My mom replied, "They won't, even when they're grown-ups," then looked over at my dad and shared a dirty smirk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 536

You deserved it 4 354

By mykhael - 21/08/2013 18:58 - United States - Opelousas

Today, my girlfriend and I started fighting. Instead of arguing for herself, she decided to set her puppy on me. Only "Puppy" is the name of her fully-grown police-trained German Shepherd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 023

You deserved it 7 444

By fucklife - 16/04/2013 18:13 - United States - Washington

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she heard me say "love you" on the phone. I was talking to my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 457

You deserved it 5 182

By johnG - 21/12/2009 15:23 - Canada

Today, I got a call from my local hospital's emergency room, stating my wife was in labour. My wife and I split years ago, but just haven't divorced. She is telling everyone I am the baby's father, my current girlfriend is 7 months pregnant with my child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 033

You deserved it 9 871

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 00:00 - New Zealand

Today, I'm ignored and bored so much at my dream job that I've started bringing in my fanfiction to write when no one is around. Which is 80% of the day. I'm training to be a civil engineer. My experience writing fanfiction should take me really far in my chosen career. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 236

You deserved it 309

Got a little a carried away there, Skippy

By Anonymous - 31/10/2019 14:00 - Canada

Today, one of the houses had actors with chainsaws. I ran away screaming and slammed into a wall. So much for being macho this Halloween. FML

I agree, your life sucks 690

You deserved it 1 264

Dogs 4 Life

By RIPFelicity - 21/08/2021 00:01

Today, my boss wrote me up for appearing "depressing" to customers. I told her that I was upset because my dog had to be put down yesterday. She told me, "Aw that’s sad. But guess what? That dog ain’t gonna pay your bills and put bread on your table. So cut the emo crap or you’re fired." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 557

You deserved it 204

Mowed down

By ThatsNotGrass - 10/08/2014 01:30 - Canada

Today, I was mowing the lawn while wearing gym shorts. Because I had no pockets, I tucked my phone into the waistband of my shorts. I didn't notice my phone had slipped until the lawnmower started making an awful sound. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 241

You deserved it 22 440

By Anonymous - 03/11/2009 19:49 - United States

Today, while I was driving out of the student parking lot I saw people laughing. Then the old security lady yelled for me to stop. She told me my books were on the top of my car but one had already fallen off. I looked in my rearview mirror and saw all of my school papers flying everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 971

You deserved it 31 219

By shocked - 12/10/2009 14:52 - United States

Today, my "future" wife got drunk in front of my parents, who she was meeting for the first time. She called my dad a piece of shit and told my mom she wants to tear her own eyes out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 605

You deserved it 5 663

By urinetrouble - 04/05/2017 06:00 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, while checking the men's bathroom at work, I noticed one of the air fresheners had fallen from the top of the paper towel holder into the garbage. It wasn't until I picked it up and examined it that I realized I was actually holding used urinal fresheners. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 378

You deserved it 1 552

By ooops - 03/09/2009 00:18 - United States

Today, I was driving into a parking lot with some friends. I carelessly passed a sign when my friend said, "Wait what did that sign say?" I backed up to read it and guess what it said: "Severe Tire Damage. Do Not Back Up." Now all 4 of my tires are slashed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 911

You deserved it 43 162

By Fuckmylife - 19/12/2018 22:00 - Canada - Port Colborne

Today, thanks to a side effect from my medication I'm suffering the longest mild panic attack I've ever had. I'm on day 2 and it shows no sign of letting up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 474

You deserved it 181

By Anonymous - 14/03/2015 11:04 - Netherlands - Dronten

Today, I worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend that I love her. She made a face like she'd just sucked on a lemon and said, "Um... yay, I guess...?" and awkwardly left the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 265

You deserved it 3 026

By dumped - 05/06/2009 17:14 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me because the love advice that she gets on her cellphone every week says that I'm cheating on her. I've never cheated on her and I was planning to propose next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95 763

You deserved it 6 245

By Addianna - 15/12/2016 16:04 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, and every day this week, my office mate has decided to "liven up the place" by singing and whistling Christmas tunes and other unknown songs. She has zero musical ability. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 733

You deserved it 638

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Top comments

TurtleSmile 14

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:23

Troll level : Expert

Wolflink289 10

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:24

Perhaps it's time for a tree to "fall" on their power lines?

xLIGHTS_fml 23

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:21

And it doesn't auto turn off? D:

Psych101 9

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:27

Well, it wouldn't be a very good security system if it automatically turned off. The beeps are part of the system.

xLIGHTS_fml 23

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:28

I mean after a while and then the cops turn up at the house if it isn't turned off in a minute if the alarm is set off. Well that's how mine works anyway

Psych101 9

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:31

12- The alarm isn't set off, the beeps show that it's working.

xLIGHTS_fml 23

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:41

Wouldn't that annoy the neighbors at night o.o unless they sleep with their alarm unarmed and sorry about my misunderstanding, I re-read it wrong when I replied you

Psych101 9

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:45

18- No problem, you raise a valid question. I don't think it makes much sense either.

TheStoryOfWazza 9

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 23:49

Maybe cause it is a made up story...

ethanbin 10

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 7:11

So would OP be allowed to complain to the police for disturbance of peace? And if so what would they do about it?

folgy 10

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 9:09

Just like most alarms would have a light somewhere outside the house that flashes every now and then to show possible intruders the property is alarmed they do it as a deterrent I would imagine the beep alerts to the fact the system is armed and operational and also acts as a deterrent so they see it/ hear it and think its best to move on rather than break into your property and shit themselves when they hear loud sirens going off.

FATTY_MCDOOGLE 29

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Monday 22 October 2012 21:47

It's an alarm. Why the hell would it turn off?

Peacelove0404 26

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:21

That's annoying! I don't know why anyone would want that!

ImaginaryFoe 0

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 0:47

If it were your alarm, you wouldn't be home to hear it so it wouldn't annoy you. I doubt the neighbours considered that it could be heard from someone else's home. OP, attempt a break-in. The alarm will sound, you'll get home before the police show up, and the neighbours will be called to remotely disable the alarm. (*Warning: Do not follow that advice as it is terrible with little chance of success.)

TurtleSmile 14

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:23

Troll level : Expert

Scarshadow101 6

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:59

3-I love how your profile picture matches your comment beautifully.

DatRealAssTruth 3

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 0:01

Lol it does

Inheritance 10

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 0:31

Hey OP, Beep Beep BEEP!!

greenimk 4

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 3:09

3- You have a nice smile, even if it is meant for turtles... ;)

wironandine 8

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 10:52

Overused term level : overused as hell

cinnamondemon 8

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Friday 19 October 2012 4:18

i was just thinking that :D

Zoey5683 17

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:23

Isn't that disturbance to the peace? If it's heard throughout your home, i'm sure it's bothering others too

Peacelove0404 26

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:24

You can report it to the cops if it's really a disturbance to a bunch of people

Futacy 29

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:39

just what I was thinking. How is ant alarm system like that even legal? O_o

onlychildFTW 33

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 10:21

I bet it's a foreign system that's techneclly not allowed to be sold. Those do exist.

priceyfml 7

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Thursday 18 October 2012 4:24

The police might be able to get in contact with them, and the company whom installed the alarm

Wolflink289 10

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:24

Perhaps it's time for a tree to "fall" on their power lines?

juturnaamo 29

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:24

Throw a rock at the window and set off the alarm. That will teach them.

severe_fml 3

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:25

Throw a rock through the window to set it off, they come back, problem solved.

severe_fml 3

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:31

When I was typing, the douche above me hadn't posted yet.

danielnieves 4

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 23:14

Clearly she did or wouldn't be below her

pmadNess 14

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 23:15

You don't post in time, and the one above you is the douche? You must have a mirror somewhere in your house... Locate it, look in... You will see the real douche

severe_fml 3

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 23:42

25- there is a difference between typing and posting. 26- if you think that's an original moment worth posting you are too young to be here.

severe_fml 3

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 23:44

*comment

BeaterOfTheDrums 15

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 0:08

You're just digging yourself into a deeper hole. It would be better to just stop talking.

olpally 32

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:25

Call the cops?? Maybe they can shut it off??

docscientist 9

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Wednesday 17 October 2012 5:54

Yes, it's noise pollution.

mikepzz 27

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Tuesday 16 October 2012 22:25

burn the house to the ground and urinate on the ashes, if the fire doesn't stop the noise maybe your piss will fry the circuitry. or you could call them, that might work too