Intimacy: Today, in public, a homeless guy looked me in the eyes and started... - FML

By scarredforlife - 16/06/2013 23:27 - United States - Brooklyn

Spicy

Today, in public, a homeless guy looked me in the eyes and started wanking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 394

You deserved it 5 019

What did I say, Roy?

Sorry sweaty, my brain is melting

Family ain't all it's cracked up to be

By Anonymous - 14/03/2013 14:40 - Latvia

Today, my fiancée and I showed my mother-in-law a picture of the location at which we'll be holding our wedding reception. It's a beautiful waterfront building overlooking the ocean. She looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Looks like a good place to commit suicide." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 109

You deserved it 2 836

By StupidCar - 07/02/2009 20:56 - United States

Today, I spent 600 dollars to have my brakes fixed on my car, they weren't squeaking. I got my car back and now the brakes squeal and my air conditioning won't work. I just spent 600 dollars to break my car even more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 979

You deserved it 4 845

By Anonymous - 27/06/2019 16:34

Today, my 7-year-old learned "Smoke Weed Everyday" from YouTube, and has repeated it so many times that I'm now singing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 347

You deserved it 421

By Badhairday - 11/06/2015 23:14 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I arrived at the salon to get my hair done for prom. The lady at the front desk insisted I didn't have an appointment. After looking back on my recent calls, it turned out I called the wrong number and whatever asshole was on the other line played along. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 704

You deserved it 4 108

Lookin' good

By Sleeping Beauty - 19/12/2015 19:20 - United States - Jamestown

Today, I took a nap on the couch. Apparently, my wife decided to put makeup all over my face as I slept. She didn't tell me until after I went to the gas station to grab some beer. Looks like I will have to find a new place to buy beer from now on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 004

You deserved it 3 759

By Anonymous - 25/09/2014 15:52 - United States - Red Oak

Today, as I was opening the door for my boyfriend, I pressed my boobs against the glass to make him laugh. I didn't see his dad standing just behind him at first, but he certainly saw me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 321

You deserved it 10 875

By goodlord12 - 17/01/2013 07:53 - United States - Branson

Today, I let my friend bleach my hair, which resulted in it falling out in clumps. I spent $150 at the beauty salon fixing it and cutting most of it off. I sent the pictures of my new hair to my friends, and I got the same reply from each and every one of them: "That better be a wig." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 250

You deserved it 30 242

By Az - 13/06/2012 00:24 - United States - Dallas

Today, I woke up to a guy outside my house, who wanted to give me flowers and take me out on a date. Aside from it all being pretty fucking creepy anyway, the guy is my not quite right in the head second cousin, who's apparently now head-over-heels in love with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 858

You deserved it 2 370

I could be happy

By Anonymous - 17/06/2021 00:01

Today, I got my first job offer in over a year, a mere few days after being accepted to study for my dream career. My crippling depression won't allow me to enjoy any of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 787

You deserved it 115

Badass over here

By Morgan - 12/09/2020 23:01 - United States

Today, my sister burned herself on purpose with a curling iron. Why? She thought it would be cool to have a scar that "tells a story." My sister is 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 379

You deserved it 121

By mapleleafs34 - 17/01/2010 19:24 - United States

Today, I realized that the only boy that shows up at my door is the pizza boy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 182

You deserved it 7 286

Outdoorsy romance

By Anonymous - 04/04/2020 17:00

Spicy

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on Tinder. After chatting in a pub, we went for a walk at the marina nearby. He tried to have sex with me bareback behind the lighthouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 687

You deserved it 653

By Hipnog - 07/11/2015 14:33 - Czech Republic

Today, I realised how damn creepy I am because I get nervous and smile when someone looks at me, and no it's not one of those smiles you'd love looking at, it's a smile straight out of a horror movie. I made a bunch of children run away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 445

You deserved it 2 675

Oh no!

By AnnoyedandAutistic - 01/06/2017 02:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were eating breakfast at my strict Christian grandparent's house when he said that it was impossible for anyone bigger than a grapefruit to be swallowed by a whale. My grandmother asked him, "What about Jonah?" to which he replied, "Oh, that's just a myth." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 945

You deserved it 609

By Anonymous - 22/07/2019 18:00

Today, while on a beach with my 3 year-long boyfriend, I went on his phone to find a restaurant I'd sent him on Instagram. Instead, I found countless messages to other women, trying to slide into their DMs. Needless to say, everyone on that beach got a free show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 829

You deserved it 208

By mindlost - 07/01/2010 02:58 - United States

Today, I had an argument over whether or not I should buy some flowers. With myself. Out loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 239

You deserved it 29 394

By FenderBender - 03/09/2009 04:54 - Canada

Today, I was driving home from work and noticed the car behind me was tailgating me pretty badly. I was starting to get angry with the driver, and kept glancing in my rear view mirror at him. While I was doing so, the traffic ahead of me stopped, and I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 488

You deserved it 43 482

By aftermath1991 - 03/09/2009 07:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to sit for an hour listening to my girlfriend talk to her ex about his testicles. She laughed more during that conversation than she ever has with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 071

You deserved it 6 254

Triple Dog Dare

By MiserableGradStudent - 11/12/2017 01:30

Today, I was teaching my microbiology lab class as a graduate TA. Some dumbass frat boy dared his friend to drink a tube of E. coli and the idiot did it. Now everything in the lab is contaminated with vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 828

You deserved it 348

By Anonymous - 02/04/2013 09:22 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my little sister figured out how to use the printer. I came home to pictures of Nicolas Cage all over my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 273

You deserved it 5 810

Zoning out

By puppylove - 05/05/2020 08:00

Today, my mother found me staring at my puppy's asshole. She had apparently been standing there for 5 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 431

You deserved it 1 715

By hard_headed - 10/09/2010 10:02 - United States

Today, at work, I leaned back in a chair too far, causing me to tip over and smash my head into a wall. If that wasn't enough damage, my boss keeps replaying the security footage to everyone I work with. My head hurts not from the fall, but the loud laughter that keeps coming from inside the office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 853

You deserved it 22 940

By :/ - 30/01/2016 07:45 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I'm so broke, I walked into a nursing home and pretended to be a gentleman's son just so I could get some free food "for him". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 951

You deserved it 6 496

By Anonymous - 30/12/2010 22:28 - United Kingdom

Today, my father had a dream that he'd lost me forever, and the pain was so unbearable, it woke him up. Turns out, the pain he was experiencing was just his bowels and he really needed to take a shit. This is the most affection I've ever received from my father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 950

You deserved it 3 441

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

By Anonymous - 18/05/2020 17:00

Spicy

Today, I was getting frisky with my husband under the covers in bed. My son decided to run into our room and cannonball on top of my husband. This startled him, which caused him to bite me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 479

You deserved it 271

By NoTattoo - 12/08/2015 17:50

Today, my girlfriend of 7 months broke up with me because I refused to get her name tattooed on my chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 307

You deserved it 2 442

By Chester (Seattle) - 09/09/2010 02:15 - United States

Today, I got circumcised. After the surgery, my girlfriend got drunk and texted all of her friends about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 880

You deserved it 5 795

By sopathetic - 26/02/2009 04:09 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around. I was sitting up on my bed when he reached down near my privates and said, "Wow babe, did you shave today? It's so soft..." He was actually touching my bottom roll above my vagina which delightfully formed a crease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 902

You deserved it 21 998

By JH - 01/07/2010 01:43 - United States

Today, I was making out with my new boyfriend when he pulled away and looked me deeply in the eyes, he smiled and said, "I don't care what anyone else says, I think you're beautiful." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 122

You deserved it 17 970

By Anonymous - 18/07/2009 14:23 - United States

Today, I finished a fence around my house that I have been working on all week. About an hour after I finished, a water company truck pulled into my driveway. They told me they would have to take down my fence to make repairs on a water pipe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 186

You deserved it 3 184

By xXEmmaLieXx - 03/03/2015 17:37 - United States - Berkley

Today, my entire junior class took the ACT. On the last test, a classmate's phone went off, automatically invalidating the whole test. We all have to retake it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 456

You deserved it 2 968

By Prae - 01/10/2012 05:47 - United States - Dallas

Today, I washed the dishes for my mom while she was out, as they seemed to be piling up. I accidentally sliced my hand with a knife in the process. After a trip to the hospital, it was revealed she'd been leaving those dishes there "to teach dad a lesson." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 593

You deserved it 2 087

By Anonymous - 27/04/2018 20:30

Today, my child's kindergarten teacher told me that my child said, "My mom drinks wine and lays down." I don't drink alcohol, although at times I drink juice in a wine glass. I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm an alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 750

You deserved it 626

By Kara - 15/12/2011 21:43 - United States

Today, my downstairs neighbor had a home birth. Not only did I hear eighteen hours of uninterrupted screaming, they called me afterwards, asking if I could come over to help them clean up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 208

You deserved it 2 772

By startingover - 18/07/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, I was at work in a lab. I spent all day growing a large bacterial culture. I went to retrieve it, only to find that someone had turned the incubation shaker up too high, and my flask had flown off and shattered. Not only did I lose all my work, but now the whole room is a biohazard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 276

You deserved it 3 583

By Anonymous - 31/10/2015 12:36 - United States

Today, I went to a party with a friend. All I remember is passing out on the couch. About 10 minutes ago I was woken up by a bucket of cold water and thrown out by the guy who lives there. I'm still dripping and very cold, and I have no idea where the hell I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 586

You deserved it 8 386

By Its My BDay I Can Cry If I Want To - 10/08/2016 16:51 - United States - Ephrata

Today, all of my friends bailed from the birthday party I was throwing myself. This was also after they had encouraged me for months to have one, knowing I'd never had my birthday celebrated before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 435

You deserved it 844

By Anonymous - 25/07/2017 00:30

Today, after 26 years of confusion with my parents pronouncing it different ways, and in my mom's case, multiple ways, having to clear up how it's spelled every time I meet someone, I asked my mom how to pronounce my name. She got mad and then pronounced it three different ways while explaining. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 438

You deserved it 422

Double standards

By onlywantuanyway - 05/09/2014 22:59

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend again told me how he wants to have an open relationship. Of course, this means he can do what he likes with anyone, but if I so much as kiss someone else, I'm a cheating slut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 816

You deserved it 8 266

By djangle - 02/11/2010 23:34 - United States

Today, my marriage counselor told me I have the communication skills of a Lou Gehrig's patient. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 223

You deserved it 17 031

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Top comments

red_headforlife 15

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Monday 17 June 2013 9:01

GET OUT. FAST.

expertsmilee 26

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Monday 17 June 2013 9:01

Staring contest with a twist it would seem

Comments

red_headforlife 15

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Monday 17 June 2013 9:01

GET OUT. FAST.

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Monday 17 June 2013 9:03

Or stay and let the man finish. You're attractive enough to wank to, embrace it.

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Monday 17 June 2013 9:12

Really, it's a compliment to your looks

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Monday 17 June 2013 9:14

I would have wanked right back! How rude of you

ironichalibut 24

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Monday 17 June 2013 9:31

I can't help but wonder what would happen if you started a wank-war with a homeless man.. Would it become an epic struggle, with people forming a ring of a crowd, entranced by the surreal situation? What would the challenger even do? Take it too far?Could the hobo suddenly become disgusted at your 'head' on approach? And what would your mother say?

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Monday 17 June 2013 10:24

Thank you 36. Best laugh all day ;)

ise3 10

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Monday 17 June 2013 16:45

Or it could be the start of a porno

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Monday 17 June 2013 9:01

oh

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Monday 17 June 2013 10:25

No, more like ohhhhh ohhhhhh ohhhhh

expertsmilee 26

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Monday 17 June 2013 9:01

Staring contest with a twist it would seem

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Monday 17 June 2013 10:05

I would be more awkward if OP was a man.

gotaplanstan 28

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Monday 17 June 2013 11:12

I would be too 43... I would be too.

therealafroninga 10

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Tuesday 18 June 2013 4:47

You blinked....

cuppycakeslove 20

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Monday 17 June 2013 9:01

Turn around and walk away FAST

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Monday 17 June 2013 9:04

Turn around and give him something to stare at while he finishes? I like your style.

EVILREDINSOMN1A 6

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Monday 17 June 2013 9:01

He must have been a real jerk-off

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Monday 17 June 2013 9:16

We got a real fucking comedian over here, ladies and gentlemen.

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Wednesday 19 June 2013 4:01

Haha 69 points

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Monday 17 June 2013 9:02

Ok that's just nasty

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Monday 17 June 2013 9:13

Gosh, are you sure about that?

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Tuesday 18 June 2013 6:22

Nasty would be OP getting his/her self off also..... A race to the finish. Seriously, you know you can stop staring and walk away right?

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Monday 17 June 2013 9:02

At least he didn't start crying and run away.

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Tuesday 18 June 2013 1:31

Or crying and masturbating

FRB 8

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Monday 17 June 2013 9:02

Then ask him why did he not break up with you before the trip?

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Monday 17 June 2013 9:15

this is a TERRIBLE previous FML reference.

cuppycakeslove 20

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Monday 17 June 2013 9:21

I don't think it's a reference... just commented on the wrong post

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Monday 17 June 2013 9:03

And you didn't help a brotha out? Rude.

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Monday 17 June 2013 9:16

That's what I'm saying. Some people need to let go of fear and learn to replace it with better, happier emotions. For instance, OP could've been flattered instead.

Thundering_Jibbs 13

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Monday 17 June 2013 9:03

All a part of the new clothing the homeless initiative, jack-it for a jacket!

tj5810 21

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Monday 17 June 2013 10:43

Whack-it for Jackets. Tugs for shrugs. Wanks for tanks.

RedPillSucks 31

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Monday 17 June 2013 18:03

yanks for Yanks?

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 7

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 321

You deserved it 863

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 784

You deserved it 1 073