Intimacy: Today, while driving, I saw a car pull over with its hazard lights...

By someoneneedsassistance - United States - Woodford

Today, while driving, I saw a car pull over with its hazard lights on. I went to see if they needed help, only to see the guy was jerking off to something on his phone. FML

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Intimacy

Dementia or hate? You decide

And today, on Dr Phil…

Taking stock

By marriageblows - United States

Today, I had the day off from work. I did all the chores hoping to free up time to spend with my husband tonight. When he came home, he looked around and decided that since there was no need for him to stick around and help clean, he'd head to the bar to watch the game with the guys. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pocatello

Today, I approached a cute girl at a club, when she started barking at me like a rabid dog. Thinking she might be mentally unhinged, I left, only to see the same girl laughing her ass off with her friends minutes later. When I went back over, her friends started barking at me too. FML

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By sharkboy - United States - Honolulu

Shark Week

Today, while at the beach, as a joke, I told my girlfriend that I was a shark. She then poked my eyes and punched me in the nose. When I started to get mad, she just shrugged and asked, "What? You're the one that wanted to be a shark. Don't you watch Shark Week?" FML

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By I'maboutobarf - Australia

Today, my mum got a new blender. Dinner was roast beef, broccoli, cauliflower, pumpkin, potatoes and water. In a cup. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to superglue a couple quarters to the sidewalk downtown and watch people try to pick them up. Unfortunately, street patrol was watching me glue everything the whole time. I was fined with public vandalism and defacing US currency. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was ambushed by a very angry beaver. FML

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By gr8terevil - United States

Today, the men clearing the walkway outside my dorm room, with a snowblower didn't realize that my window was open. I looked over from my computer to see snow shooting in, covering my clock, closet, and radio. And now it's melting. FML

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Rocky VIX

Today, I was laying with my face dangling down the side of my bed, when my kitten rushed up to me looking worried. He sniffed me for a while, then decided the best thing to do was to stand on his hind legs and start punching my face like a speed bag. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my sister and I were watching the Olympics. Michael Phelps was on the screen, and I was thinking how hot he is. My sister commented on how he looks so much like our brother. I can never look at either of them the same way ever again. FML

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By That_Indian_Guy - United States - Oviedo

Today, I woke myself up by letting out a long fart. It wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't fallen asleep while on jury duty. FML

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By Duellist

Today, someone in Fedex typo'd "KZ" for "NZ" and sent our fencing weapons to Kazakhstan. FML

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By sambo99 - United Kingdom

Today, it's my birthday. So far I have received: the news that my parents are divorcing, a dead bird and a pile of shit left on my bed (courtesy of the cat), a rash all over my face, and some slippers from my boyfriend. FML

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By mook05 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of 6 months is not actually on vacation with her cousin but is moving in with her fiancé. FML

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By LostSoul

Today, I found out my daughter was planning a wedding and invited everyone but me. FML

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By RDMdragoon - United States

Today, while deleting my ex-fiancée's account off my computer, I saved her pics. I found one of her with her now boyfriend in our bedroom. FML

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By Joe - Canada

Today, I was at a dance. I was griding with this guy when I felt something move in his pants. I stood up and stepped away. He replied with "Don't flatter yourself, it was my phone". FML

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By cupcakelady127 - United States

Today, I got into a wreck thanks to a big flashing sign on the highway that said "Keep your eyes on the road" that distracted me. FML

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By Champion sucker

Uh... Okay?

Today, I was going out with my boyfriend after recently coming out. On my way out the door, my dad looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Suck that dick like a champ tonight, son." FML

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By jesuschrist

They'll go at night

Today, my daughter asked me why NASA hasn't gone to the sun yet. She's seventeen. FML

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By BadDad - United States - San Diego

Today, I was summoned to the bathroom by my three-year-old, who still needs help cleaning up sometimes. When I walked in, he looked so happy and proud as he pointed to the trash can saying, "Look at my big poop!". Buying a new trash can tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Woodland

Today, my house was robbed while I was at work. The robber left a note telling me my stuff was crappy and that they found my safe under the bed. FML

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By JoJo - United States

Today, I realized that acne is a major side effect of a medication I'm taking. The medication is to help me with my anxiety. The acne is creating more anxiety. And the more anxious I get, the more meds I need. And the more my face breaks out. FML

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By anonymous

Today, I ended up in an awkward position during sex and dislocated my knee. My wife accused me of doing it on purpose to criticize her for being too fat and heavy for sex. FML

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By farf

Today, I received 46 emails from co-workers who were using reply-all to tell everyone else not to use reply-all. FML

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By Anonymous

Art

Today, I was at my job as a fitting room attendant and I checked a woman and her young son in. After several minutes, they left, saying there was lipstick on the mirror. Not only was it all over two mirrors, but also on the wall, the floor and the carpet. The whole place smelled of lip-balm and I was left to clean it up. FML

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By sorenips - Canada

Today, after a great treadmill run at my gym, I noticed a stain on my clothing. Apparently my nipple chafed so badly that it bled through my white t-shirt, and I'd walked around the gym completely oblivious. FML

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By Devin - United States

Today, I went to see a movie with 4 friends. I didn't realize that I was the only one who didn't have a date. The theater row had just enough room for everyone but me, I got to sit in back of everyone else while they were making out in front of me for 2 hours. FML

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By BUSTED. - United Kingdom - London

Today, I punched a drunk woman who kept trying to force herself onto my husband. She turned out to be an off-duty cop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I felt like too much of a loser to go to a Christmas party, since I'd be the only one going without a date. I had to invent imaginary friends who were "coming into town for the holidays" to feel like less of a loser. FML

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By BearMan - United States

Today, I decided to come out to a co-worker. She looked at me, then laughed, and said, "You can't be gay, you're fat!" FML

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By annonymous - United States

Today, while at a neighborhood party, my drunk mother told all our neighbors, including a girl I like, about my struggles with a micropenis. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2021 21:30 - United States

Always carry around a pencil with you

Today, while at work, I took one of the biggest dumps I've taken in my life. The turd was so big, I took a pencil and chopped it into small pieces because I was afraid it would clog up the toilet. FML

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By ouchy - United States

Today, I was babysitting three little kids. I decided to give one of them (a seven-year-old) a piggy-back ride, thinking I'm strong enough. I managed to get a few feet before faceplanting on the wooden floor. She is fine though, no pain or anything. My face took the impact for both of us. FML

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By keerow - United States

Today, I realized that the homeless people I give change to all dress better than I do, including the one that doesn't believe in pants. FML

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By KO - United States

Today, in the middle of sex, my husband accidentally headbutted me, almost knocking me unconscious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found dried cum in my hair - after being at work for two hours. FML

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By Anonymous - Romania - Buzau

Today, I heard my grandma sobbing in her room. After finally convincing her to tell me what was wrong, she confessed to watching a porn video last night. She thinks not being able to sleep afterwards is a sign that God is punishing her, and that she's damned our family to hell. FML

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By lovesucks - Australia

Today, I finally got the courage to go up and ask out the girl I have loved for a couple of months now. After she said yes, I was over the moon and ran home to tell my roommate. The next day, I saw her making out with another man. When I confronted her, she said "Oh, you were serious yesterday?" FML

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By Master Debater - Australia

Today, my grandmother walked in on me watching porn on my computer. She looked at the woman on the screen and said, "I used to have tits like that, but look what having 7 kids did to them." Now I'm scarred for life. FML

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By OMGWTF - United States

Today, while biking home from work, a 12 mile trip, I was speeding down a long hill and my jean pant leg got caught in the chain. It ripped, and then the rest of my pant leg ripped off. I had to bike 10 more miles half naked along the highway. FML

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Top comments

By IAmzephyr | 22

#6272174 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:02

car jacking?

By Edward862 | 7

#6272156 - Friday 24 April 2015 23:59

yeah, I should probably apologize for that.

COMMENTS

By limegreenpoopie | 31

#6272153 - Friday 24 April 2015 23:58

Ewwww! You can't unsee that -___-

ironmany_fml | 23

#6272482 - Saturday 25 April 2015 6:36

ewwwe. can't unsee you

LittleBastard | 20

#6272498 - Saturday 25 April 2015 7:03

Ewwww you're an asshole! Figuratively, and literally.

By Edward862 | 7

#6272156 - Friday 24 April 2015 23:59

yeah, I should probably apologize for that.

munchly | 17

#6272239 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:53

You should be ashamed of yourself!

funsizedliz | 15

#6272257 - Saturday 25 April 2015 1:09

So.... Did you still help him?

4WheelBurnout | 14

#6272331 - Saturday 25 April 2015 2:05

Says the girl with semi nudes as her profile picture....

StiffPvtParts | 43

#6272408 - Saturday 25 April 2015 4:23

Must've been some very juicy porn c:

pauliegon | 18

#6272433 - Saturday 25 April 2015 5:02

Best comment I've seen on FML

By davincidasecond | 24

#6272157 - Friday 24 April 2015 23:59

Brain bleach would be a good thing to have after seeing that.

By FusionPlacebo | 26

#6272158 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:00

That's why I never pull over to see if someone needs help.

Markovski | 18

#6272168 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:01

As if that happened to you.

DanCastellaneta | 17

#6273646 - Sunday 26 April 2015 6:34

Wow, you're not very sharp, are you?

By cmarksjr | 16

#6272162 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:00

I guess he was helping himself..

theTravinator | 21

#6272250 - Saturday 25 April 2015 1:05

That's one hell of a joyride

TheBelt | 19

#6272341 - Saturday 25 April 2015 2:19

Did O.P join?

By dragonkisses28 | 25

#6272169 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:02

So did you help him?

Dillyduzit | 23

#6272241 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:53

Sounds like the beginning of a porno.

ironmany_fml | 23

#6272483 - Saturday 25 April 2015 6:38

look at OP's name... i guess they were willing to 'assist' :P

By IAmzephyr | 22

#6272174 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:02

car jacking?

Zarokona | 9

#6272649 - Saturday 25 April 2015 10:37

Perhaps car jerking?

pugpuggy | 21

#6272670 - Saturday 25 April 2015 11:34

you just ruined the joke!

ZombieSazza | 34

#6272822 - Saturday 25 April 2015 15:49

Well done, #65, now it's forever unfunny.

By insideoutoreo33 | 8

#6272176 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:04

Boys will be boys

edward80 | 18

#6272247 - Saturday 25 April 2015 1:04

but boys normally don't jerk off in a car

By failedgamer01 | 18

#6272179 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:05

Couldn't he have waited to go home and do it in the privacy of his own house? -_-

SlimDanny | 15

#6272207 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:28

Some people's self control is sub par.

RedPillSucks | 31

#6272437 - Saturday 25 April 2015 5:05

when you gotta cum,
you gotta cum.

martin8337 | 35

#6272648 - Saturday 25 April 2015 10:33

Unless 10 other people live there. Then it may be difficult to jack it with no privacy.

By the_aspect | 28

#6272181 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:05

brain bleach, please. Could he do that in private?