Today, while driving, I saw a car pull over with its hazard lights...

By someoneneedsassistance - United States - Woodford

Today, while driving, I saw a car pull over with its hazard lights on. I went to see if they needed help, only to see the guy was jerking off to something on his phone. FML

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33193

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Intimacy

Caught red-handed

Honesty is the best policy

Parental guilt

By fmylifeee

But my babiiiiiiies!

Today, my wife and I invited my boss over for dinner, specifically warning her not to bring her children due to our house not being childproof. She surprised us by walking in with her toddlers. They both shat on our carpets, then my dog knocked them into a wall. I guess I'll start looking for another job. FML

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1516

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is getting back together with his crazy alcoholic ex-wife who frequently cheated on him. In addition to this news, I also found out that he maxed out all my credit cards. FML

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33568

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By Noname - United States

Today, while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurant manager. He told me that while he respected my personal choices, his patrons didn't feel comfortable with someone who used to be a man using the women's restroom. He thought I was a transsexual. I am a naturally-born female. FML

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382474

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Kilkeel

Today, I felt frisky, so I did my hair and put on make-up and some lingerie. I walked into the living room, where my husband was playing a video game. He glanced up, said, "Oh, for fuck's sake." and made me wait nearly 15 minutes for him to reach a save-game point. FML

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41695

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after years of marriage and my lazy husband letting himself go, I can now finish a bottle of wine and still be sober. This means I've built immunity to the last thing that can make me want to have sex with him. FML

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By anx133 - China

Today, I daringly tried that fish-bath thing, where all these fish come and eat all of your skin's dead cells. I got into it, and after 15 minutes of being a human buffet, at least 20 of the fish died. FML

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By khfhjfsb - United States - Downers Grove

Today, the guy I was sexting asked me to stop including my face in the pictures. FML

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55841

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By Colormered - France

Today, I spent all day organizing a list of electronic parts for my boss. I found the easiest way was to color problem parts in the spreadsheet red and okay parts green. After I finished at the end of the day, I found out my boss is red-green colorblind. FML

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By iheartmorons - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend told me that he feels empty inside when I'm not in the kitchen. This is the most romantic thing he has said to me in the past two years. FML

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27684

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By EricCartman - United States

Today, I was riding the bus home from school. I was sitting by myself, and my backpack was occupying the seat next to me. A hot girl boarded the bus, and was standing right where I was sitting. I placed my backpack on my lap, freeing up the seat. The girl stood the entire bus ride. FML

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By creeped out - United States - Smithtown

Today, my identical twin sister's boyfriend walked over to me, and whispered in my ear, "I know what you look like naked." FML

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47777

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By MsConfusedd - United States - Hazlet

Today, I learned that my 76 year old great aunt likes to swim naked, even when I have friends over. FML

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25653

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got a new cell phone. I was texting pictures from my old phone to my new one, including several dirty ones, when I noticed I wasn't receiving any of them on the new phone. I was texting the wrong number. FML

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12970

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By Ally

shrinks into corner

Today, my dad decided to be an awesome person and fold my laundry without telling me. Later, I heard my parents having a conversation about a pair of panties that were "like dental floss" and which sister they belonged to. FML

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By EwwwwYuck - 3/8/2020 02:02

Yummy

Today, I set my parrot in the bathroom while I cleaned his cage, thinking he would be safe there. He was in fact safe, but not so the used maxi pad he chewed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

993

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302

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By RecentCollegeGrad

Today, my mother got heartburn. She claimed she only gets heartburn when she is near a pregnant woman. She threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't take a pregnancy test, despite there being no way I was pregnant. Turns out, I am pregnant, and my mother's ego has never been bigger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34000

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my first day as an animal control officer. My first dispatch was to collect a dog that had been hit by a car. I had to clean up my dead dog on my first day of a job that barely pays rent. FML

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59338

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By Loopy - Belgium

Today, I had to buy more supplies for the cat my friend asked me to pet sit for 2 weeks. Her 2-week vacation ended over 3 years ago. FML

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1895

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By arachnidphobia - United States

Today, I was fined because my son pushed the alarm button in the elevator. Why? There was a spider in there. FML

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By madiison09 - United States

Today, I got a letter from Yale law school saying I got a 4 year full scholarship. I called my dad crying and read the whole thing... even the bottom, which said, "April fools! Love mom and dad." FML

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65105

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By joeshmoe - United States

Today, my 26th birthday party got busted by my parents due to them coming home early because of a flight cancellation. Everyone had to leave, but not before my mother made me go to my room. FML

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25186

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By help me - United States - West Hartford

Today, I walked in on my 15 year old daughter and her boyfriend. They were standing in my bathroom, both naked from the waist down. Supposedly, he was trying to "teach her how to pee standing up." FML

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68681

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By Anonymous

Cats gonna cat

Today, I got a new mattress delivered to my house. Didn’t have it on the frame for more than 5 minutes before my cat had already pissed on it. FML

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By eventer1919 - United States - Rice Lake

Today, I was asked to cover work for someone because they have volleyball practice. Apparently, they haven't noticed that we've been on the same team for two years. FML

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By YES I MEAN *EX* GIRLFRIEND - Canada

Today, to prove that my girlfriend is a "total skank", my best friend seduced her and showed me the video he secretly filmed of it. FML

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32447

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By Skittles

Today, while my husband and I were having sex, we were trying this strawberry flavored lube which had a very strong candy smell. My husband starts laughing mid-performance, looks me in the eye, and exclaims "F*CK THE RAINBOW, TASTE THE RAINBOW!" FML

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4693

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By supercalifragilisticexpialidocious - Australia - Maida Vale

Today, my car broke down on my way home from university. I tried calling for help, only to realise my phone had completely run out of charge. Luckily, I had passed a police station so I decided to walk the 10 minutes down the road to ask for a phone. When I got there, the station was closed. FML

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14103

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By sexlube - 1/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Kirkland

Hand sanitizer

Today, my kid told my wife he's been using the hand sanitizer under our bathroom sink. It's not hand sanitizer, it's a giant bottle of lube.

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By Gone With the Wind - United States - Omaha

Today, the tornado sirens went off so my family went to the basement and turned on the TV to the local news. The station goes to their sky cam as a trampoline flies by. Quite the sight. When the storm passed, I looked outside to see our trampoline was gone. It was the one flying by on TV. FML

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53569

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I put an anonymous note under my neighbour's door asking them to not have sex so loudly during the day. Since then, I haven't heard any sex. Unfortunately, I have heard a woman crying loudly because she just found out about her husband's affair. FML

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By FreeToFly3733 - Canada

Today, I finally found my cellphone when I heard WHACKWHACKWHACK inside the washing machine. FML

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By wrong state for that shit - 22/8/2020 04:48 - United States - Hesperia

Weird accusation, lady

Today, my uncle’s girlfriend’s paranoid jealousy hit a new low. I woke up to several nasty, threatening texts from her, accusing me of sleeping with my own uncle. According to her, no uncle and niece could possibly be as close as he and I are without something freaky going on. I really hate her. FML

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1973

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By DroppedTheSoap - Australia - Brisbane

Today, while trying to sexily wash my man in the shower, I dropped the body wash bottle. The pump grazed my nipple, making it bleed. As if that didn't kill the mood, I now have a Star Wars bandaid on my boob. FML

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1879

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found thousands of ants in a secret nest in an unused corner of my apartment. They were feeding on the baking mix I forgot in a box from moving two months ago, and the queen has been laying her eggs on my wireless router. FML

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28622

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By you're shitting me - Australia

Today, after months of tests for mystery nerve pain, I went to get more blood taken only to leave the clinic with an empty tin to collect my bowel movements for the next 72 hours. Which needs to be refrigerated. I live with 4 other people, with one fridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48543

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I discovered that I needed to reapply for my job in order to have a chance at keeping it. The applications closed yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30024

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By Anonymous - 19/6/2020 14:01

Class Wars - UK Edition

Today, my wife blames me for our son having a “posh” accent, because she thinks he’ll be bullied at school. I’m a Yorkshireman and use “ey up”, “ow do” , “pillock” and “arse” in everyday conversation, whereas my wife was raised in Oxford, I doubt I’m the one making our son sound posh. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1518

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By BlueSteele220 - United States - Coppell

Today, my family got mad at me for eloping and not inviting them to my wedding. Even though they admitted they wouldn't have gone anyway. FML

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21414

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By hangman - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boss suspended me for laughing too hard at my desk and causing a big scene in front of our customers. I was laughing because he'd forwarded me a hilarious email. He was practically smirking as he handed me my official warning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48613

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By faceless_sailor8 - United States

Today, my wife compared me to Sid the sloth from Ice Age. Same smile, same eyes, same belly, same big feet. FML

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Top comments

By IAmzephyr | 22

#6272174 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:02

car jacking?

By Edward862 | 7

#6272156 - Friday 24 April 2015 23:59

yeah, I should probably apologize for that.

COMMENTS

By limegreenpoopie | 31

#6272153 - Friday 24 April 2015 23:58

Ewwww! You can't unsee that -___-

ironmany_fml | 23

#6272482 - Saturday 25 April 2015 6:36

ewwwe. can't unsee you

LittleBastard | 20

#6272498 - Saturday 25 April 2015 7:03

Ewwww you're an asshole! Figuratively, and literally.

By Edward862 | 7

#6272156 - Friday 24 April 2015 23:59

yeah, I should probably apologize for that.

munchly | 17

#6272239 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:53

You should be ashamed of yourself!

funsizedliz | 15

#6272257 - Saturday 25 April 2015 1:09

So.... Did you still help him?

4WheelBurnout | 14

#6272331 - Saturday 25 April 2015 2:05

Says the girl with semi nudes as her profile picture....

StiffPvtParts | 43

#6272408 - Saturday 25 April 2015 4:23

Must've been some very juicy porn c:

pauliegon | 18

#6272433 - Saturday 25 April 2015 5:02

Best comment I've seen on FML

By davincidasecond | 24

#6272157 - Friday 24 April 2015 23:59

Brain bleach would be a good thing to have after seeing that.

By FusionPlacebo | 26

#6272158 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:00

That's why I never pull over to see if someone needs help.

Markovski | 18

#6272168 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:01

As if that happened to you.

melisssa87 | 30

#6272898 - Saturday 25 April 2015 17:23

Well then I guess you dont want anyone to pull over when you need help too

DanCastellaneta | 17

#6273646 - Sunday 26 April 2015 6:34

Wow, you're not very sharp, are you?

By cmarksjr | 16

#6272162 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:00

I guess he was helping himself..

theTravinator | 21

#6272250 - Saturday 25 April 2015 1:05

That's one hell of a joyride

TheBelt | 19

#6272341 - Saturday 25 April 2015 2:19

Did O.P join?

By dragonkisses28 | 25

#6272169 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:02

So did you help him?

Dillyduzit | 23

#6272241 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:53

Sounds like the beginning of a porno.

ironmany_fml | 23

#6272483 - Saturday 25 April 2015 6:38

look at OP's name... i guess they were willing to 'assist' :P

By IAmzephyr | 22

#6272174 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:02

car jacking?

Zarokona | 9

#6272649 - Saturday 25 April 2015 10:37

Perhaps car jerking?

pugpuggy | 21

#6272670 - Saturday 25 April 2015 11:34

you just ruined the joke!

ZombieSazza | 34

#6272822 - Saturday 25 April 2015 15:49

Well done, #65, now it's forever unfunny.

By insideoutoreo33 | 8

#6272176 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:04

Boys will be boys

edward80 | 18

#6272247 - Saturday 25 April 2015 1:04

but boys normally don't jerk off in a car

By failedgamer01 | 18

#6272179 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:05

Couldn't he have waited to go home and do it in the privacy of his own house? -_-

SlimDanny | 15

#6272207 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:28

Some people's self control is sub par.

RedPillSucks | 31

#6272437 - Saturday 25 April 2015 5:05

when you gotta cum,
you gotta cum.

martin8337 | 35

#6272648 - Saturday 25 April 2015 10:33

Unless 10 other people live there. Then it may be difficult to jack it with no privacy.

By the_aspect | 28

#6272181 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:05

brain bleach, please. Could he do that in private?

But my babiiiiiiies!

*shrinks into corner*

Yummy

Cats gonna cat

Hand sanitizer

Weird accusation, lady

Class Wars - UK Edition

shrinks into corner