Today, while driving, I saw a car pull over with its hazard lights...

By someoneneedsassistance - 24/4/2015 15:07 - United States - Woodford

Today, while driving, I saw a car pull over with its hazard lights on. I went to see if they needed help, only to see the guy was jerking off to something on his phone. FML

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Intimacy

Understandable

This is us

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Anonymous - 18/3/2010 07:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-wrestling on the couch. I got thirsty, so I got up and grabbed a metal water bottle and drank out of it. He tried to playfully touch it and spill water on me, but instead hit it hard enough to where it slammed my mouth, chipped my tooth, and cut open my lip. FML

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By tbalboa - 1/7/2011 17:27 - United States

Today, a cop pulled me over and started bitching me out. He was certain I'd been drinking, because, "Nobody goes to Albertacos this late at night unless they're drunk." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2013 21:57 - Egypt

Today, my teenage daughter found out that she's pregnant, but insists she's still a virgin. Who does she think knocked her up? God? FML

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By sylverster - 15/3/2011 12:37 - Singapore

Today, I banged into a glass door. My friend laughed at me, so I turned around and gave him the finger, then turned back to continue walking and banged into the door again. FML

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By Roxy19 - 22/1/2013 06:50 - United States - San Diego

Today, while at the gym, my boyfriend wouldn't stop texting me. I was confident enough to text while on the treadmill. Bad idea: I hit myself on the bar and tripped in front of everyone. FML

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By 205 - 13/11/2009 21:23 - United States

Today, after getting my car completely fixed after it being damaged for a year, I was driving and the entire side panel on the car fell off. The repair man forgot to put the screws back in. FML

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By secretdeo - 24/8/2009 04:48 - United States

Today, I was at the store buying some feminine products. At the cash register, the clerk said to me "Dude, you know those are for girls right?" I am a 30 year old woman. FML

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By shh - 9/10/2015 07:06 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, during dinner with my wife's family, my daughter suddenly yelled, "DADDY TICKLES MOMMY'S BUM BUM!" I don't think I've ever received dirtier glares in my life. FML

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By Crispy cripple - 5/9/2018 18:30

Today, my dorm's fire alarm went off. In the rush to escape, I slipped and fell off my bunk bed, breaking my ankle in two places. Crying, I told my roommates I needed help to walk. They shrugged and left after mentioning that I would slow them down. FML

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By me:( - 16/7/2013 23:44 - United States - Romulus

Today, I went to the grocery store with my husband, only to find that his ex-wife worked there. Then I found out he never actually divorced her. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2016 02:20 - United States - Exeter

Today, my mom was "that" customer at the local drive-thru. She slipped into attention whore mode and bitched the guy out for not giving us extra fries. He said she didn't ask for any, which was true. Instead of apologizing, she swore at him and floored the gas, sending our drinks spilling all over me. FML

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2019 02:00

Miss Pissy

Today, I was protesting for animal rights. On my way home, I accidentally hit a pig with my car. I freaked out and got out to check to see if it was OK. It knocked me over, spraining my wrist, and it pissed all over my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2016 19:44 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my boss - whose intelligence level hovers a hair above "Herpity derpity derp" - got up my ass and accused me of lying to him. All because I said that just because I'm a network admin, I can't make his 7 year old piece of crap Blackberry magically be able to use 4G networks. FML

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By anon - 17/7/2015 07:04 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I sent my long-distance boyfriend a heartfelt message about how much I missed him. He sent me back a picture of a Minion. FML

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By Ouch - 20/5/2012 04:06 - United States - Costa Mesa

Today, I tried to beat my dad to the car. I jumped over the steel cables in the parking structure and hit my head on a metal pipe, then bounced off the wires, and onto my back on the pavement. Good thing we were already at the hospital to visit my sick mother. FML

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By - 29/4/2019 14:00

Today, after the booty call I work with became a lead, a position I was guaranteed, he's spread awful, untrue things about me around the office and since he became buddy buddy with management, they believed him. Don't shit where you eat, kids. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2012 11:44 - United States

Today, I got tasered by a cop. It was his second day on the job. My crime? Sneezing during a sobriety test. FML

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By nilssonfan - 17/11/2010 08:08 - United States

Today, I bought one of my favorite albums from when I was growing up. When I looked at the liner notes, I learned that my favorite song on the album wasn't about taking a bath, but about going to a brothel. My second-favorite isn't about moving, but about suicide. My childhood just shattered. FML

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By MAC - 13/1/2009 09:47 - France

Today, like every other day, I turn up at work at the security guard's gate to show my ID badge. Except that my brother had stuck a huge "FBI" sticker on it. My co-workers now all call me Mulder. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2017 15:00 - United States - Stevenson Ranch

Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes

Today, after pranking my roommate several times by putting lube in his hand sanitizer bottle, he got me back by putting sanitizer in my lube. FML

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By dumpedchick - 25/6/2009 02:46 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years dumped me. I was really depressed so a couple of my friends came over to take me out to a club to cheer me up. My ex was there, partying with his friends. He came up to me and my friends and asked my friend if she wanted to hang out sometime. She said yes. FML

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By KiwiMaid - 3/6/2016 10:31 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I got excited because my husband will be away for 5 days, which means I'll be able to deep clean the house. FML

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By scaredofcutouts - 10/10/2012 21:44 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, my sister thought it would be funny to place a cardboard cut-out of a person at the foot of my bed. I woke up, saw the cut-out from the corner of my eye, fell out of bed, landed on my hand wrong, and broke two fingers. She got it all on video. FML

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By Bad Uncle - 13/5/2018 19:00

Today, I came home to my mother, wife, sister, and certain family members cussing me out. My daughter and niece told them that I took them to visit and pray at The Church of Satan. Girls! It's The Church of Saint Anne! FML

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By halloweensucks - 1/11/2010 01:08 - United States

Today, I spent over an hour decorating my house for trick or treaters. I never got one person at my door because I forgot to unlock my gate. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2012 19:03 - Canada

Today, I drunkenly staggered home and crashed on the couch. When I woke up I realized it wasn't my house. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2011 05:38 - Canada

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She was so happy that she began flapping her hands around and screaming. She was flapping her hands so hard she smacked herself in the face and started crying. FML

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By Patricia - 1/10/2011 23:30 - United States

Today, I tried to have sex with my boyfriend three times, but every time he insisted that he wasn't in the mood. I left to get food and when I came home he was masturbating. FML

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By asdfasdf - 24/1/2009 15:14 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend said she didn't want to have sex because it takes too long. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2011 18:37 - United States

Today, after shoveling one guy's steps, sidewalk, and driveway for two hours straight, I went to ask for my money. He said, "Work is its own reward!" and shut the door in my face. FML

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By idonthavelice - 28/2/2010 13:44 - China

Today, while I was standing in the elevator with a few people I just met when I moved in yesterday, I felt something fall on my hair and dusted it off. It was a cockroach. None of them will come within a 1m distance to me now, because they all think I've got lice. Welcome to the building! FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2020 20:00

Proactive

Today my fiancé left to take care of his little sister who lives alone and recently got COVID-19. To be cautious, he will remain there for weeks until he tests negative. Feeling lonely, I texted my mom for comfort. She immediately canceled our engagement party this summer instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2014 15:57 - United States - Lancaster

Today, we decided to go to an aquarium for a little family get-away. At the end was a shark viewing deck, and I leaned over the rails to get a better look. How did I find out that my glasses needed to be adjusted? They fell off and sunk right to the bottom of the shark-infested waters. FML

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By Aleial - 19/11/2011 08:20 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend's "therapy" meetings have been with my best friend, in his truck. FML

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By :'( - 9/9/2015 03:34 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was let go from my dream job for requesting Photoshop as well as Illustrator. I was hired to create marketing materials. Guess I should have just used Paint. FML

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By fire starter - 16/8/2015 04:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I tried to vacuum to surprise my mom with a clean house. The vacuum started shorting out, sparked, and then burst into flames mid living room. FML

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By meegs - 17/10/2010 00:31 - Canada

Today, my sister asked me if she could go into my closet to borrow my favourite dress for a party she was going to tonight. When I asked her where she was going, she said to a Halloween costume party. My sister is going as a prostitute. FML

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By Bandking - 17/3/2014 21:48 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I marched in the St. Patrick's day parade. My horn has an inconveniently-placed spit valve that has to be drained frequently. At the end, I discovered every time I emptied it, it would spray all over the front of my pants. I marched an entire parade looking like I pissed my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2011 17:35 - United States

Today, I made my young niece lunch. After she claimed to have eaten it all, she wanted to go out and play. I was putting my shoes on when I found part of the sandwich I made her stuffed in my shoe. FML

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By dad - 3/3/2009 22:28 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year old daughter from her room texts me, "Stop." FML

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Top comments

By IAmzephyr | 22

#6272174 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:02

car jacking?

By Edward862 | 7

#6272156 - Friday 24 April 2015 23:59

yeah, I should probably apologize for that.

Comments

By limegreenpoopie | 31

#6272153 - Friday 24 April 2015 23:58

Ewwww! You can't unsee that -___-

ironmany_fml | 23

#6272482 - Saturday 25 April 2015 6:36

ewwwe. can't unsee you

LittleBastard | 20

#6272498 - Saturday 25 April 2015 7:03

Ewwww you're an asshole! Figuratively, and literally.

By Edward862 | 7

#6272156 - Friday 24 April 2015 23:59

yeah, I should probably apologize for that.

munchly | 17

#6272239 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:53

You should be ashamed of yourself!

funsizedliz | 15

#6272257 - Saturday 25 April 2015 1:09

So.... Did you still help him?

4WheelBurnout | 14

#6272331 - Saturday 25 April 2015 2:05

Says the girl with semi nudes as her profile picture....

StiffPvtParts | 43

#6272408 - Saturday 25 April 2015 4:23

Must've been some very juicy porn c:

pauliegon | 18

#6272433 - Saturday 25 April 2015 5:02

Best comment I've seen on FML

By davincidasecond | 24

#6272157 - Friday 24 April 2015 23:59

Brain bleach would be a good thing to have after seeing that.

By FusionPlacebo | 26

#6272158 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:00

That's why I never pull over to see if someone needs help.

Markovski | 18

#6272168 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:01

As if that happened to you.

melisssa87 | 30

#6272898 - Saturday 25 April 2015 17:23

Well then I guess you dont want anyone to pull over when you need help too

DanCastellaneta | 17

#6273646 - Sunday 26 April 2015 6:34

Wow, you're not very sharp, are you?

By cmarksjr | 16

#6272162 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:00

I guess he was helping himself..

theTravinator | 21

#6272250 - Saturday 25 April 2015 1:05

That's one hell of a joyride

TheBelt | 19

#6272341 - Saturday 25 April 2015 2:19

Did O.P join?

By dragonkisses28 | 25

#6272169 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:02

So did you help him?

Dillyduzit | 23

#6272241 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:53

Sounds like the beginning of a porno.

ironmany_fml | 23

#6272483 - Saturday 25 April 2015 6:38

look at OP's name... i guess they were willing to 'assist' :P

By IAmzephyr | 22

#6272174 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:02

car jacking?

Zarokona | 9

#6272649 - Saturday 25 April 2015 10:37

Perhaps car jerking?

pugpuggy | 21

#6272670 - Saturday 25 April 2015 11:34

you just ruined the joke!

ZombieSazza | 34

#6272822 - Saturday 25 April 2015 15:49

Well done, #65, now it's forever unfunny.

By insideoutoreo33 | 8

#6272176 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:04

Boys will be boys

edward80 | 18

#6272247 - Saturday 25 April 2015 1:04

but boys normally don't jerk off in a car

By failedgamer01 | 18

#6272179 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:05

Couldn't he have waited to go home and do it in the privacy of his own house? -_-

SlimDanny | 15

#6272207 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:28

Some people's self control is sub par.

RedPillSucks | 31

#6272437 - Saturday 25 April 2015 5:05

when you gotta cum,
you gotta cum.

martin8337 | 35

#6272648 - Saturday 25 April 2015 10:33

Unless 10 other people live there. Then it may be difficult to jack it with no privacy.

By the_aspect | 28

#6272181 - Saturday 25 April 2015 0:05

brain bleach, please. Could he do that in private?