Miscellaneous: Today, I got a haircut for the first time in almost a year. I...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a haircut for the first time in almost a year. I thought it looked really nice and made me look good. On my way to CVS, I ran into one of my friends. He examined me and said, "You look... like a crack whore." FML

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Miscellaneous

Out of it

Assumption Day

8 out 10 dentists

By . - United States

Today, I convinced my father that "Juanito", our relative who needed money for immediate surgery in Mexico was a stranger attempting to scam him. I was $1400 too late. FML

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By Reggie

Today, it was the first sunny spring day that I had off from work. I spent the morning making a picnic lunch and took my girlfriend to a beautiful spot overlooking the lake. I did not count on a bird flying by with perfect poop aim as soon as we spread out the food. FML

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By What am I doing with my life? - United States - Aurora

Today, I collected my students' final essays. One of them submitted a printout of a screenshot he took with his phone. Too bad a browser address bar was still in the shot, along with a "click to read more" link at the bottom. My students are too dumb and lazy to even plagiarize properly. FML

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By tor - United States

Today, one of my bosses came into work and told me that they had seen my dad's twin in the supermarket holding hands and kissing a much younger woman and her baby. My dad doesn't have a twin. FML

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By CandlesSuck - Canada

Today, I invited my girlfriend to come over, telling her I had a surprise. I filled the bathtub and lit a lot of candles to be romantic. She gets here, and we start doing our thing. Until we smell something burning. It was my hair. I now have a bald spot on the back of my head. FML

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By Fatty1970 - United States

Today, I told my kids that our family dog was getting too fat and we should give him a little less food. My youngest daughter whispered to her sister, "Mommy's fat and we still give her food." FML

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By LiLGeek - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were looking for our bubblegum flavored "numbing" lotion to have some morning fun. We couldnt find it anywhere. After about 10 minutes, my little nephew comes from my room crying and drool coming out of his mouth. He smelt like bubblegum, his mouth and tongue were all numb. FML

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By Cantswim - United States

Today, I had to go take swimming lessons because my mom has a fear I'll drown and I'm totally afraid of swimming anyway and never get anywhere near water. My instructor? A high school classmate of mine. My fellow swimming classmates? 5 and 6 year old kids. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Middletown

Today, my live-in mother-in-law brazenly swiped most of the money from my wallet, then walked out of the room as if nothing had happened. The worst thing is that my wife believes anything she says, so I can't do a damn thing about it. FML

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By KindaLooksLikeCocaine - United States - San Francisco

Today, I walked in on my drunk roommate grinding up stale marshmallows and attempting to snort them. FML

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By lolzboss - United States

Today, my five year old son decided to move all my stuffed animals I have around the house, into sex positions and massive orgies. What have I been teaching my son lately? FML

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By Misky

Today, I was walking past a homeless guy while smoking; he asked if he could have a cigarette. So I gave him one and said without thinking, "Sorry, it’s a menthol, but beggars can't be choosers." FML

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By aussiegirl - 15/10/2020 08:02 - Australia - Sydney

Vibe check

Today, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression after being severely bullied and harassed at my workplace. It was also today that my fiancée told me I was “creating really negative vibes.” FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rochester

Today, as I listened to the guy I've been seeing pour his heart out to me, all I could think about was how much I needed to poop. FML

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By useyourownbed - United States - Byron

Today, my sister walked into my room, saying her boyfriend "forgot something." She then reached under my bed and pulled out a pair of boxers and a condom wrapper. Her response to my disgust was, "My bed was dirty." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, a bird got into the walls of my house through a hole. I located where it was by following the chirping and scratching sounds, and drilled a hole to get it out. I pulled out the drill, only to find the drill bit bloody. Suddenly, no more chirps. FML

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By TrashGirl

Today, for our 8th wedding anniversary I gave my husband several well-thought-out gifts. He gave me divorce papers. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I overheard my friends laughing about how my anxiety means I'll be single forever. I was too anxious to confront them. FML

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By slappedright - United States

Today, I went with my boyfriend to the OC fair. He was taking a picture of me in front of a giant mechanical butterfly at the insect exhibit. Playfully, he told me to pretend to be a butterfly, so I quickly lifted my arms, just in time to slap a 7 year old girl in the face. FML

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By ihatemyjob

Today, I worked from 8 to 7 without a break and I'm still not done with my assignment. Meanwhile, my co-worker crafted a piece of paper looking like a watermelon slice and posted a picture of herself seemingly taking a bite out of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2020 05:01

Baby you can drive my car

Today, as usual, I work nights and sleep during the day. I found out that my brother uses my car and never puts gas on it when he called me for the first time to actually ask me if he could borrow my car, and also to lend him $20 to put gas in it. FML

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By fuck no - India - Kollam

Today, my husband wanted to use bacon grease as lube. FML

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By IHateBeingAStudent

Today, a little girl I give horse-riding lessons to told me she had saved up $8.00 for her own pony. I laughed and thought how cute she was, then realized that was more than I have in my own savings account. FML

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By hannieannie

Psychopath's joke

Today, I’m still recovering from last night. I fell asleep before my boyfriend. He thought it would be funny to stand at the bottom of the bed with a knife and wake me up. I screamed so much that I wet myself and had a panic attack. He recorded the whole thing. FML

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By The_Waffle - United States - Cleveland

Today, my dog ran away. Luckily my neighbors caught him before he got too far. Now they won't give him back because they think I did something to him to make him want to run away. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, at school, everybody wanted to be my partner for a project. This surprised me because nobody ever wants to be with me. Turns out when I was absent, my teacher promised that whoever was my partner would get extra points on the project. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I forgot to bring my lunch to work. I got so hungry, I resorted to eating antacid tablets from the medicine cabinet for lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Eureka

Today, I moved into my new apartment complex. I left some items including a cherished painting my best friend made for me outside the front door while I moved furniture into my bedroom. When I went back outside, someone had kicked a huge hole in the painting. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML

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By maybe dead in a day - United States - Buffalo

Today, my boyfriend of three days met up with me at the movie theater, sporting a crude tattoo of my face on his cheek, along with a love heart and the word "forever." Looks like I'm single again. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2020 11:01

I'm horny, horny horny horny…

Today, my husband chose to masturbate. I'm not getting laid for the forth night in a row, because initiating sex is too hard for him. Just once, I want to not have to initiate or flat out beg for it. FML

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By Brooke - United States

Today, my skin was turning black, and I believed I was reacting to a spider bite. I spent 4 hours waiting in an emergency room in the middle of the night, paid a $100 copay, and missed a night with my boyfriend just to have a doctor wipe dye from my brand new black jeans off with alcohol. FML

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By FeedTheBirds - United States - Estero

Today, I bought a delicious $17 lobster sandwich at a restaurant on the beach. The seagull who zoomed in and ripped it out of my hands as I was about to take the first bite seemed to enjoy it very much. FML

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By huh? - 22/7/2020 20:00

Race against the clock

Today, we found out that my 13-year-old cousin is pregnant. My mom then turned to me and asked why I decided to wait so long. I’m only 20. Instead of being worried that this young girl has potentially ruined her entire life, my mom just complained that her sister "gets to be a grandma first." FML

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By wahwah - United States

Today, I had to complete a project for my course in Italian. We had to write a little paragraph about a friend. I had to make one up. FML

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By abutorac951 - 16/3/2020 16:48

Panic! At the Costco

Today, I had to drive over an hour away to buy toilet paper. FML

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By Jackedup - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 1 month came over and told me she wanted to talk to me. We sat down on the couch and she told me she was pregnant and that it was mine. I reminded her that we've never slept together. FML

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By Chad - 6/11/2020 07:54 - United States - San Diego

Fire hydrant

Today, I was sleeping after having worked 76 hours over the last week on night shift, only to be woken up by a fire alarm in the hotel I'm staying in. I rushed to put on some clothes and head out, but couldn't hide my morning wood, which would not go away. People took pictures as we were waiting to be let back inside. FML

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By my teeth! - 24/7/2020 14:07

Like riding a bike

Today, my sister and I were trying to teach our kids how to Double Dutch. While giving a demonstration of how to jump in while the ropes were turning, my feet got jumbled. I ended up faceplanting in front of all the kids, who screamed in horror at my bloodied face and missing tooth. FML

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By librarygirl - United States

Today, I was volunteering at the library. A kid came up and asked me to help him peel the back off his sticker. It took me so long the kid left. Determined, I still tried to peel it off. Fifteen minutes later, the librarian came over, looked once at it, and told me it wasn't a sticker. FML

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By grossedoutgirlfriend

Not so normal, no

Today, I came home from work to see a pair of panties I hadn't worn lying on the floor. I picked them up and they were all crunchy. It turns out that while I'm away, my boyfriend uses my underwear as a vessel for his semen. He claims this is normal. FML

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Top comments

By KwitIt | 0

#104484 - Sunday 12 April 2009 12:45

Aww, I'm so sorry! I'm sure it's not that bad! ...and what does a crack whore haircut look like, anyway?

By star_ver | 0

#104571 - Sunday 12 April 2009 14:14

Uh, maybe the comment was unrelated to your hair... You probably just looked like shit.

COMMENTS

By KwitIt | 0

#104484 - Sunday 12 April 2009 12:45

Aww, I'm so sorry! I'm sure it's not that bad! ...and what does a crack whore haircut look like, anyway?

danyfuckinheatle | 0

#1052276 - Thursday 1 July 2010 19:47

like she likes to suck d

Uncle_Moe_Lester | 3

#2279520 - Saturday 2 April 2011 1:02

when u see it u know

DisappearingRose | 18

#2753304 - Saturday 25 June 2011 3:04

Maybe it looks like hers??

b3tazoid | 5

#4665665 - Sunday 8 July 2012 22:42

No shit, Sherlock.

By blland | 0

#104505 - Sunday 12 April 2009 13:09

we aren't sure if it really looks like a crack whore.

By digapygmy | 0

#104520 - Sunday 12 April 2009 13:24

This is one of the most poorly written FMLs I've ever read. It's funny... Just please rewrite it! :/

By alex_vik | 0

#104522 - Sunday 12 April 2009 13:31

Well then don't get a haircut that makes you look like a crack-whore.

By itsTiffany | 0

#104529 - Sunday 12 April 2009 13:38

Wasn't he joking..?

kalixzo | 11

#1008830 - Thursday 27 May 2010 3:59



By TidusBlade | 0

#104547 - Sunday 12 April 2009 13:51

Doubt he meant it, I just got a haircut for the first time in several months and most of the comments I get are jokes.

By geetface | 0

#104551 - Sunday 12 April 2009 13:56

That's what you get for cutting your hair. You deserved it. I'm a dude with long hair down to the middle of my back and every time I hear one of my lady friends say they're getting their hair cut I tell them not to. Then all I hear for the next three months is how much they wish they didn't cut it and I completely enjoy saying I TOLD YOU SO.