Today, I got a haircut and met up with a friend for lunch. Said...

By Ravenclaw/Puckwudgie - 9/5/2017 00:00

Today, I got a haircut and met up with a friend for lunch. Said friend then burst out laughing, saying my haircut made me look like Professor Snape. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3617

You deserved it

641

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

They're everywhere

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By Anonymous - 18/1/2016 22:30 - United States

Today, I woke up from an amazing dream I was having about my girlfriend. We were laughing and holding hands, the kind of dream I wanted to stay asleep for. When I finally got up, I was excited to tell her about the dream but then I remembered. We broke up a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25198

You deserved it

1772

Favorite

By anouk05 - 15/10/2010 05:13 - Switzerland

Today, my boyfriend told me "don't worry, someday you'll be mature as well." By this, he meant that I will be willing to have sex with him in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32635

You deserved it

4622

Favorite

By Autocorrected - 26/11/2012 20:13 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I had some soup that my dad made. I took one sip and found he had put tons of hot sauce in it. I rushed to drink from a soda can sitting on the counter, only to find that my mom had used it as an ash tray the night before. I can still taste the hot sauce, and the ash. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29364

You deserved it

3336

Favorite

By jobless - 7/5/2009 21:10 - United States

Today, I had a phone interview with my potential new boss. I was getting excited about the prospects of landing a great job. I had nailed every question the man asked me and right after he told me he'll call me tomorrow if he wants me to come in I sweetly said, "Talk to you tomorrow, Love you" FML

I agree, your life sucks

25293

You deserved it

58131

Favorite

By Xia - 18/10/2009 16:38 - United States

Today, I spilled a half bottle of superglue on my hands. I also found out that cold water only makes it harden faster. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31693

You deserved it

16095

Favorite

By :( - 19/3/2013 20:12 - United States - Hilton Head Island

Today, we started our 17 hour drive to Michigan for spring break. My mom decided to go to Target to buy some music CDs. All she bought was three Nicki Minaj CDs. She has already replayed the first CD four times. 14 hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43790

You deserved it

4018

Favorite

By "Jester94752" - 15/3/2019 16:00

Today, a co-worker who lives 30 minutes out of my way had broken down so I picked him up. We were both 5 minutes late and both got fired. Our department takes 30-60 minutes to even start running. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2245

You deserved it

142

Favorite

By thanks iphone - 30/1/2016 21:05 - United States - Louisville

Today, I realized I wasn't getting notifications for my voicemail, so I decided to check it and found out that I had 3 job offerings that are no longer an option. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22963

You deserved it

3722

Favorite

By ThankfullyNotKickedOut - 26/8/2016 18:17 - United States - Coldwater

Today, I was trying to cook a pizza for lunch at my in-laws. I preheated the oven and took my dog out to go potty. I come back in to find the house filled with smoke, the detector going off, and a fire in the oven. Apparently, my mother-in-law left a tray of glass candle holders in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11325

You deserved it

3975

Favorite

By Amazon Ruined My Life - 28/12/2018 14:00

Today, my mother opened her birthday gift in front of my entire family. Two days ago, I ordered an essential oil diffuser and flesh light from Amazon. Guess which one she got? FML

I agree, your life sucks

1198

You deserved it

3289

Favorite

By Mogg - 18/12/2009 08:42 - Australia

Today, I was at the cinema. There was a really tall woman in front of me and whenever I leaned to the right or left she would lean to the same side I do. Later, she started laughing. They guy next to her was telling her where I moved. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34720

You deserved it

3179

Favorite

By "Nancy Marlin" - 16/7/2017 13:00

Today, I had to call the hotel we were staying at to recover some items I had left. Those items consist of a cellphone, razor blades, used batteries, and a vibrator. They have nothing to do with each other, but yes, they're at the front desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3558

You deserved it

1315

Favorite

By Anonymous - 12/2/2012 04:25 - United States

Today, after parking my car, I was informed by an incredibly hot girl that my tail light was faulty. I tried hitting it to make it work again. Guess who has 5 stitches and a smashed tail light? FML

I agree, your life sucks

7742

You deserved it

35873

Favorite

By FMLdude - 18/8/2013 23:23 - Australia - Bexley

Scammed

Today, I accidentally hit an elderly man while driving. The police came, and five minutes later I was told that he confessed to walking in the middle of the road to get hit and claim compensation. He was fine, but I still got charged for hitting a pedestrian. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45143

You deserved it

4958

Favorite

By u wot? - 14/2/2015 12:14 - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, I found out someone, most likely my psycho ex, has been posing as me on local interest websites, trolling a load of people, and giving them my address so they can come fight me. I found this out when a gentleman showed up at my house wanting to beat me shitless. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33285

You deserved it

2295

Favorite

By cjy152 - 21/9/2011 14:44 - United States

Today, I found out that my stalker ex-girlfriend named her new born son after me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40462

You deserved it

3591

Favorite

By Timmay - 5/6/2009 23:43 - United States

Today, I was on the deck of a sailboat and I started feeling seasick. I bent over the edge to throw up. After I stood back up, the wind changed direction and the boon swung around, knocking me into the open ocean. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44719

You deserved it

4627

Favorite

By kdmoney - 23/9/2011 06:16 - United States

Today, my mother said I am slipping too deep into depression since my boyfriend left for college in Fresno. Her solution: buying me a vibrator. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32163

You deserved it

7509

Favorite

By TecheyTim - 1/4/2015 17:46 - United States - Latham

Today, a coworker and I pulled a April Fools' joke on our boss. She "borrowed" his keys and rolled down his window. I took a car window from a scrap yard and sprinkled it on the ground near his door. His response was to kick the nearest object in anger. The nearest object happened to be my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27182

You deserved it

11467

Favorite

By Peter - 11/5/2019 14:00

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend has been lying to me about having a long-term illness requiring multiple trips to the doctor's. She isn't ill, she was cheating on me with the local GP. So I’ve literally driven her to the clinic and then sat in the waiting room while she screwed the doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4820

You deserved it

282

Favorite

By MoveOn! - 25/1/2017 20:00

Today, and at every family event, my parents and grandparents go on and on about my ex and how much they miss him and wish I would get back with him. This would be fine, rude, but fine, except that they tell this to my husband. It's been years and we're expecting our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4071

You deserved it

277

Favorite

By footinmouth - 21/1/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I was hitting on a girl that was getting ready to walk into the same class as I. We were waiting outside the room, and I told her that I heard the Professor for the course was a total bitch. We walked into the room. I sat down in a desk. She stood behind the podium. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11882

You deserved it

38565

Favorite

By LonelyOtter - 11/12/2018 14:00

Today, one of my female friends decided she wants a relationship with my ex. I told her I was fine with it because we've been apart for years and have been friends ever since. She then made him chose between being friends with me and having her as a girlfriend. I just lost two of my few friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3281

You deserved it

235

Favorite

By Crys - 29/12/2018 12:00 - Canada - Kingston

Today, I decided to finish up some Christmas shopping. Instead, I ended up having to buy a present for myself - a new alternator after my car died and left me stranded. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2217

Phew, glad it wasn't me

220

Favorite

By beccav23 - 25/10/2011 16:08 - United States

He's got the moves

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to viciously rip off my thong. My ass crack is numb. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36206

You deserved it

7452

Favorite

By Anonymous - 20/6/2020 08:08

Fake mystery guy

Today, I dressed cute to surprise my boyfriend of 2 years. Instead of being happy or impressed about it, he accused me of cheating and dressing up to impress a new guy he'd made up in his head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1526

You deserved it

115

Favorite

By NotSoYoung - 17/6/2009 16:35 - Canada

Today, I was at McDonald's and I was going through the drive-thru. As I was driving away, I checked my food and the lady had given me a Night at the Museum Happy Meal toy by mistake. I got so excited that I crashed the car into a pole. I'm 36. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31769

You deserved it

70478

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/3/2013 06:03 - Australia - Wantirna

Today, I was late to a lecture when I tripped up the stairs. With a few hundred people already staring and laughing at me, I started to curtsy to my "adoring fans" but instead fell backwards down the massive flight of stairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37010

You deserved it

12544

Favorite

By luceeloo - 23/11/2016 22:10

Today, I spent my working day teaching my new Supervisor the basics of Excel. Until two weeks ago, he was the Office Junior. He and I applied for the same job, but he got it based on the strengths of his "far superior" Excel skills. I'm now teaching him how to do the job that I didn't get. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11127

You deserved it

814

Favorite

By Anonymous - 19/6/2014 08:24 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I shouldn't have told my boss that I was interested in management. She now throws any problem she doesn't want to solve at me and either gets mad when I can't work it out or takes credit when I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44291

You deserved it

6578

Favorite

By Anonymous - 9/9/2015 18:54 - United States - Decatur

Today, I drove across two states to see my brother, who's had a history of heart problems. My mother had sent me a long e-mail saying he was on his death bed and wanted to talk to me to "get his affairs in order." When I arrived worriedly, he was fine. My mother guilt-tripped me to come visit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25599

You deserved it

3646

Favorite

By Anonymous - 14/8/2014 21:13 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, while on a tour bus, our guide told us that "Jimi Hendrix was like, uh, the Miley Cyrus of the '60s." I'm actually a committed pacifist, but I was already halfway out of my seat to choke the pimply-faced twat out before I managed to restrain myself. Now I'm scared of myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40334

You deserved it

6106

Favorite

By dunno why we bother - 31/3/2014 20:07 - United States - Tampa

Today, while on patrol with my partner, we came across a guy getting a beat-down on the sidewalk. After restraining the attacker, we helped the victim to his feet, only for him to spit at us and call us "goddamn pigs". You're welcome, sir. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46164

You deserved it

4476

Favorite

By (///▽///) - 18/2/2017 21:00 - United States - Austin

Today, I learned that "prima donna" was not in fact "pre-Madonna" like I'd always thought. My family won't stop laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4541

You deserved it

2932

Favorite

By Lonely - 2/8/2018 15:00

Today, I sent a question in a newspaper self-help column about how I often feel ignored. I quickly received a note advising me to not feel ignored, but due to the volume of questions, I would likely not receive a response. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2881

You deserved it

329

Favorite

By jimmy_poison - 9/2/2015 00:19 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, my date bumped into her ex-husband, who decided to join us for the rest of the dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37095

You deserved it

2907

Favorite

By frustrated - 5/8/2009 20:30 - Ireland

Today, my brother deleted all traces of the novel I've been working on for three years from my laptop. The reason? When I was born I "stole all of Mum and Dad's attention." He's 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68598

You deserved it

5715

Favorite

By AmNot - 5/8/2010 04:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend woke up to the flash of a camera. It was his mother taking pictures of my shoe print on his window sill and night stand. She said she was collecting evidence proving I snuck in through his window last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26700

You deserved it

9703

Favorite

By shaunaaa - 17/2/2011 10:39 - Australia

Today, I was in science class studying dead insects for biology. After packing away the jars, I noticed a red-back spider on the bench. Thinking it was missing from a jar, I picked it up. It wasn't missing. It was alive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34229

You deserved it

5311

Favorite

By Anonymous - 14/5/2012 00:25 - United States - Newark

Fashionista

Today, it's my birthday. All I wanted was birthday sex, but all my boyfriend could talk about was how great the new purse he got me was. I think he might like it more than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31362

You deserved it

5655

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Druu | 53

#7451394 - Tuesday 9 May 2017 0:03

"Your new haircut makes you look like Snape." "Ugh, again?" "Always."

By RichardPencil | 28

#7451403 - Tuesday 9 May 2017 0:26

Tell her that her pants make her butt look like Hagrid's. Yell "expelliarmus" and walk off.

COMMENTS

By Druu | 53

#7451394 - Tuesday 9 May 2017 0:03

"Your new haircut makes you look like Snape." "Ugh, again?" "Always."

By RichardPencil | 28

#7451403 - Tuesday 9 May 2017 0:26

Tell her that her pants make her butt look like Hagrid's. Yell "expelliarmus" and walk off.

By Cierra Amond | 14

#7451419 - Tuesday 9 May 2017 0:55

Snape lives on!

Lalala579121 | 27

#7451438 - Tuesday 9 May 2017 2:34

Don't listen to Dumbledore's lies! I'm professor Snape of Hogwarts!

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7451421 - Tuesday 9 May 2017 1:06

"10 points from Gryffindor!"

By LennyComa | 39

#7451535 - Tuesday 9 May 2017 9:01

Snape is by far the best Harry Potter Character, take 10 points for Slytherin and rock the new do

By StarkWolf_fml | 23

#7451547 - Tuesday 9 May 2017 9:35

wands up everyone /*

Miss_Red | 17

#7451595 - Tuesday 9 May 2017 11:41

mikkigrlxx | 13

#7451876 - Tuesday 9 May 2017 21:14

By Winchesterbride | 9

#7452058 - Wednesday 10 May 2017 7:27

wait that's actually a good thing

By band_geek | 18

#7452610 - Thursday 11 May 2017 3:45

There's part of me that's laughing, but at the same time, as a huge PottHead, this has officially become my personal top fave FML story.

By pinkpanther61789 | 15

#7455159 - Monday 15 May 2017 13:15

Hey guys, op here. I just found out this got published and am pretty surprised. But it was an easy fix, I've chosen to rock my natural curly hair until it grows out.

By sofia.dakota.leiva | 2

#7455824 - Tuesday 16 May 2017 20:05

I HAD THE EXACT SAME PREDICAMENT I WENT TO SCHOOL AND ALL MY FRIENDS LAUGHED AT ME AND I WANTED TO PUNCH THEM BUT I LOVE THEM TOO MUCH LOL