Today, I got a haircut and met up with a friend for lunch. Said...

By Ravenclaw/Puckwudgie - 9/5/2017 00:00

Today, I got a haircut and met up with a friend for lunch. Said friend then burst out laughing, saying my haircut made me look like Professor Snape. FML

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Miscellaneous

Great boyfriend

Live dumping

Don't give up

By Amberain - 16/8/2012 15:16 - United Kingdom - Widnes

Today, I was enjoying a romantic cuddle on the couch with my boyfriend, when he suddenly decided to lift up my shirt, stick his face into my boobs, and go all Darth Vader on me. This included heavy breathing and phrases such as, "Amber... I am your boyfriend." FML

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By eleonor - 2/12/2008 04:57 - France

Today, I sent a text message to my boyfriend, saying "Come over in an hour, I love you." An hour later, the doorbell rang. It was my ex, looking happy and still as taken with me as before, with a bunch of roses. I'd got the wrong number. My ex and my boyfriend have the same name. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2018 15:30

Today, our 6-month-old is finally sleeping through the night. We thought we'd finally get a good night sleep ourselves, until my dumb husband fell asleep with the tv on and our 5-year-old ended up watching Saw 3 by herself. Now the 5-year-old wakes up with nightmares. FML

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By fucking fuck off - 1/1/2016 14:28 - United States

Today, a customer gave me hell because a high-spec game he bought wouldn't run on his ancient Windows XP PC. I ended up having to profusely apologize and refund him. Whoever coined the phrase "the customer is always right" should probably be shot, run over by a bus, then shot a few more times. FML

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By embarrassed - 8/10/2012 09:12 - Australia - Morphett Vale

Today, despite having a mild case of the flu, I visited my boyfriend's house and watched a movie with his parents. During the movie, I felt the sudden urge to sneeze. Trying to hold it in, I managed to do the loudest fart I've ever done in my life. Everyone heard. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2014 01:08 - United States - Chicago

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a restaurant for her birthday. She had to go to the toilet while there, and when she came back, she was crying. When I asked why, she said "I'm on my period!" and sobbed loudly in front of everyone that we couldn't have birthday sex. FML

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By MakeDonaldDrumpfAgain - 30/3/2016 05:24 - Canada - Guelph

Today, I discovered that my Dad's family very much supports Donald Trump. They tried to convince me to support his campaign by donating money. We're not even American. FML

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By LicenseLoser - 13/11/2018 15:30

Today, I received a notice that I'm being fined for failure to renew my Florida license. I've lived in Maryland for the last seven years and I've never had a Florida license. FML

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By -_- - 18/2/2012 00:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to an extended family reunion. I started chatting to my great grandpa, and he asked me what I do for a living. Before I could tell him I breed animals, my visibly drunk dad interrupted and slurred, "Oh, she jacks things off. Horses, pigs, just about anything, really." FML

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By UHLSucksSTL - 6/10/2016 15:50 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I found out that I spent 3 whole days cleaning my apartment thoroughly and paid $100 to get my carpet professional cleaned to not get my $950 deposit back because the carpet smells like dog. I don't have a dog. FML

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By PISSED OFF - 17/5/2015 13:09 - Australia

Today, I bought an expensive video game and decided to show it off and post a photo of it on Instagram. When I got home to play it, it rejected my activation key. I then realised it was showing in the Instagram post. FML

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By Noname - 21/1/2009 12:36 - Canada

Today, I woke up with this terrible toothache and called my mother for a lift to the dentist. This super-dentist-chick enters in and says: "Nice to meet you, your mother just told me you're afraid of dentists?" I'm 29. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2015 14:29 - United Kingdom - Hassocks

Today, my best friend told me how his batshit insane girlfriend keeps questioning his sexuality and thinks we're screwing behind her back. He's so desperate for a relationship that he's decided to stop hanging out with me. Goodbye 7 years of friendship. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2012 05:25 - United States - North Bergen

Today, I went to a river near my house. They have several swing ropes that you grab and then jump into the river. As I was about to let go of the rope, my leg got tangled and I was held underwater. My mom watched and laughed for a while before she came to help me. FML

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By a very unlucky dude. - 18/6/2014 06:37 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I learned the valuable lesson that taking care of a baby crow isn't the best idea. He finally can fly away, but sits on my porch all day cawing for food. FML

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By "deerling" - 18/3/2019 06:00 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I accidentally farted really loud. My 4 year old Brother heard me and started crying and stopped talking to me for a whole hour. Now he tells everyone about that time his sister farted. FML

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By horp - 29/9/2015 22:00 - United States - Torrington

Today, I was having lunch and I started throwing crumbs at my friend at the other table. Then I accidentally hit the kid next to him. He got really mad and came over and hit me in the shoulder with a brick. A brick. He just had a brick in his bag. FML

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By Noname - 12/3/2009 09:06 - Philippines

Today, I was running late for work so instead of walking the ten minutes to the office, I took a taxi. The driver took the opportunity to share the story of his first sexual experience with a man. In great detail. FML

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By ishweta56 - 17/1/2009 22:57 - United States

Today, me and my friend are sitting here on fmylife.com while our boyfriends are out clubbing. FML

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By dearprudence89 - 10/11/2010 13:16 - United States

Today, I was kicked out of a Family Dollar. My mom thought it would be fun to press all the buttons on the musical ceramic cathedrals so they would all play at the same time. FML

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By nyebust - 1/1/2011 05:18 - United States

Today, my grandmother drunk dialed me at midnight to wish me a happy new year. I was already in bed. My grandmother has a better social life than I do. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2019 22:02

Today, at college, the weird guy who stares at me every day came over, said, "I've made you a mixtape," then handed me an old, empty Queen's Greatest Hits CD case and scuttled off. FML

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By kk - 9/1/2013 16:07 - United States

Today, I asked my mom what her biggest craving was when she was pregnant with me. Her answer: an abortion. FML

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By jobsearching - 21/11/2012 20:43 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I ran into my boss outside of work. She smiled, and started trying to have an in-depth chat with me. I wouldn't have minded, if it weren't for the fact I ran into her at a club, whilst they were having an S and M theme night. And we were both fully dressed up for it. FML

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By nomorepetbird - 6/1/2010 03:30 - United States

Today, my pet bird died. He had caught some illness and had been extremely sick for the past few days. He didn't die from the illness though. My dog ate him. FML

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By stanky - 19/6/2015 14:47 - United States - Columbus

Today, I was about to leave for my honeymoon with my new husband, when he saw my deodorant in my bag. He picked it up and asked what it was. When I said it was deodorant, he gave me a confused look and said "girls don't wear deodorant". He actually believed that. FML

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By Speedy - 20/7/2010 13:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I took my driving test for the first time. The instructor stopped it after less than ten minutes, and insisted she drive back to the test centre "in the interest of public safety." FML

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By jdawn99 - 22/10/2013 14:24 - United States - Arkansas City

Today, as a science teacher, I did a science experiment in front of a class. One of my students asked me if it was "photoshopped." He was being serious. FML

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By -__-" - 29/9/2013 05:45 - United States - Vancouver

Today, a stranger pulled me out of the path of a speeding taxicab. He then took one look at my face, said, "I should've left you there", and walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2014 02:36 - United States - Rockland

Today, I accidentally ripped out my boyfriend's insulin pump while trying to give him a lapdance. FML

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By Alli.M - 18/3/2012 11:06 - Australia - Canberra

Today, I got a migraine. I work in an arcade with lots of bright lights, loud noises and screaming children. I was stuck in there for 7 hours. FML

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By Jackey - 5/6/2019 12:00

Today, I signed the contract for my 18th book sale. I went to school to be a serious writer. My latest book is a gay werebear story that involves male pregnancy. FML

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By rivercitybarf - 8/8/2009 08:48 - United States

Today, I found out that worms in apples aren't something that you just see in cartoons. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2009 01:07 - United States

Today, this guy I like let me wear his favorite baseball hat that he never takes off. I returned it to him later, only to find out I have lice. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2015 06:57 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my spineless shitwhip of a boss made me go fire a notoriously abusive employee. I had to act like firing him was my decision, even though I'm the secretary. Now I get to live in constant fear that the guy was serious when he threatened to find out where I live and kill me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2009 01:43 - United States

Today, I saw a weight loss 'before and after' advertisement and I wished I could at least look like the 'before'. FML

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By kinlin - 2/6/2018 19:00

Today, an attractive woman looked in my direction and smiled. My wife saw this and stomped on my foot, and I screamed like a little girl from the pain. People turned and stared. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2015 07:19 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She got incredibly excited and started flapping her hands around. Then she suddenly went deadpan and said "But seriously... no." FML

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By MattVh - 12/1/2010 17:23 - Belgium

Today, someone had put a lock on my bike. While I was trying to saw it off, the police drove by. I was arrested for trying to steal a bike and released four hours later when they figured out that it was actually my bike. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2019 18:00 - Canada

I don't understand!

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for cumming inside her because she did not want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. She's on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML

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Top comments

By Druu | 53

#7451394 - Tuesday 9 May 2017 0:03

"Your new haircut makes you look like Snape." "Ugh, again?" "Always."

By RichardPencil | 28

#7451403 - Tuesday 9 May 2017 0:26

Tell her that her pants make her butt look like Hagrid's. Yell "expelliarmus" and walk off.

Comments

By Druu | 53

#7451394 - Tuesday 9 May 2017 0:03

"Your new haircut makes you look like Snape." "Ugh, again?" "Always."

By RichardPencil | 28

#7451403 - Tuesday 9 May 2017 0:26

Tell her that her pants make her butt look like Hagrid's. Yell "expelliarmus" and walk off.

By Cierra Amond | 14

#7451419 - Tuesday 9 May 2017 0:55

Snape lives on!

Lalala579121 | 27

#7451438 - Tuesday 9 May 2017 2:34

Don't listen to Dumbledore's lies! I'm professor Snape of Hogwarts!

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7451421 - Tuesday 9 May 2017 1:06

"10 points from Gryffindor!"

By LennyComa | 39

#7451535 - Tuesday 9 May 2017 9:01

Snape is by far the best Harry Potter Character, take 10 points for Slytherin and rock the new do

By StarkWolf_fml | 23

#7451547 - Tuesday 9 May 2017 9:35

wands up everyone /*

Miss_Red | 17

#7451595 - Tuesday 9 May 2017 11:41

mikkigrlxx | 13

#7451876 - Tuesday 9 May 2017 21:14

By Winchesterbride | 9

#7452058 - Wednesday 10 May 2017 7:27

wait that's actually a good thing

By band_geek | 18

#7452610 - Thursday 11 May 2017 3:45

There's part of me that's laughing, but at the same time, as a huge PottHead, this has officially become my personal top fave FML story.

By pinkpanther61789 | 15

#7455159 - Monday 15 May 2017 13:15

Hey guys, op here. I just found out this got published and am pretty surprised. But it was an easy fix, I've chosen to rock my natural curly hair until it grows out.

By sofia.dakota.leiva | 2

#7455824 - Tuesday 16 May 2017 20:05

I HAD THE EXACT SAME PREDICAMENT I WENT TO SCHOOL AND ALL MY FRIENDS LAUGHED AT ME AND I WANTED TO PUNCH THEM BUT I LOVE THEM TOO MUCH LOL