Intimacy: Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time. She's...

By Anonymous - 27/03/2013 18:26 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time. She's a screamer. Her dog must have thought I was attacking her, because he immediately came over and started savaging me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 795

You deserved it 6 180

Intimacy

Stop talking!

Are you there?

Skipped

By Robert - 28/12/2017 01:30

Today, my girlfriend's mother invited me to her 18th birthday. She lied about her age. I have been screwing a minor for 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 690

You deserved it 2 054

By toadface - 04/08/2009 23:25 - United States

Today, I took my puppy outside to play. At one point, she stopped chewing on her toy and ran over to give me a big kiss all over my face and mouth. A few minutes later I realized that her chew toy was actually the dried up carcass of a toad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 455

You deserved it 7 947

By terrified - 08/06/2015 03:13 - United States - Union Star

Today, the amount of spiders in my house has gotten so bad that it's become routine to shake out any blankets or towels before using them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 183

You deserved it 3 626

By Anonymous - 01/10/2013 07:30 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I was in an Austrian bar, making polite conversation in my broken German with a slightly odd middle-aged man. He said, winking, that he was near to his pension. I smiled and nodded, thinking he was talking about retirement. My friend later informed me that 'pension' is German for 'apartment'. Ew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 274

You deserved it 4 479

Walked into that one

By Anonymous - 08/09/2020 09:01

Today, I stopped by McDonald's with my brother. I asked him what he wanted and I repeated his order. The lady said, "We don't have that here." I stupidly answered, "That's weird. We have it where I come from," and she replied, "Where did you come from honey, 1995?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 067

You deserved it 522

By sickly - 18/02/2011 13:06

Today, my friend came over with brownies as a treat before work. She works in a bakery so I thought it was lovely. After starting work, I became stoned. She thought it was a great prank. I was fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 439

You deserved it 4 328

By jackie89 - 10/08/2014 19:26 - United Kingdom - Redruth

Today, my husband and I attended a funeral. After the service, my phone vibrated. It was a text from my husband, saying "I've got mourning wood like you wouldn't believe! get it? MOURNING. haha :D" I looked up and saw him across the room, winking at me. Not the place, honey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 446

You deserved it 7 429

By Oops - 02/05/2016 04:21

Today, I turned on my ceiling fan for the first time in months. I then watched as hundreds of furry spiders were flung across the room at high speed, in a circular pattern. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 114

You deserved it 1 776

By Anonymous - 02/11/2015 08:01 - United States - San Jacinto

Today, while at a party playing Truth or Dare, I found out my best friend fantasizes about having sex with my 51 year old mother. The rest of the guys at the party then nodded in agreement and thus spawned a group conversation about how "screwable" my mom is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 555

You deserved it 3 522

Forever Alone

By West of the day - 22/09/2020 05:01

Today, I've been feeling horny a lot lately, so I downloaded Tinder and subscribed to Tinder Gold. The only matches I've had are with bots and people saying 'subscribe to my Instagram for premium content.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 824

You deserved it 336

Candid camera

By Anonymous - 08/05/2020 23:00

Today, I prominently touched my boobs and put my hand inside my shirt to adjust my bra… all while I had my camera on during a Zoom meeting with the whole department FML

I agree, your life sucks 653

You deserved it 1 589

By :( - 17/11/2013 20:27 - United States - Pearland

Today, I got my dad to fill in a questionnaire my teacher handed out on Friday. One question said "I would like to see my son/daughter ______." My dad wrote in the blank: "less often." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 366

You deserved it 4 520

By bcoper - 20/02/2010 14:03 - United States

Today, I was in pain due to overdoing it at the gym yesterday, so I thought a hot shower might help. Not only was there no hot water because of my sister's hour long showers, but I slipped getting out and hit my head. Now the pain is worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 324

You deserved it 3 251

By DogBeater - 21/06/2016 01:21 - United States

Today, I've just moved into a new apartment. It's also the day my big baby of a dog stepped on a rock and began yelping when I tried to touch his paw. He "suddenly" felt better after I carried him inside. Now everyone thinks I'm beating my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 974

You deserved it 830

By cbarr98 - 06/06/2015 01:00 - United States - Orange City

Today, I lost all of my male friends at work. Why? The new girl has my same interests and a prettier face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 767

You deserved it 2 988

By good_job_john - 20/07/2009 15:43 - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend on my boat at the lake. As we were looking at the mountains all around us, she playfully pushed me off the side into the water. As I got back on the boat, I realized that not only was my cellphone dead, but the ring had fallen into the deep water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 327

You deserved it 4 277

Mix up

By luckygirl - 06/06/2019 12:09

Today, I have a bad cold, so I've been carrying tissues around with me. I noticed our puppy had pooped on the floor, so I grabbed a napkin and cleaned it up, then threw it away. I then blew my nose with my tissue. Apparently, I threw away my tissue and used the napkin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 641

You deserved it 570

By poop - 08/01/2011 01:31 - United States

Today, my boss decided to post a photo of a piece of crap on Facebook. He tagged me in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 671

You deserved it 4 171

By Anonymous - 11/02/2013 20:58 - United States - Raynham

Today, with 24 inches of snow on the ground, it is raining like hell. The weight of the snow, now full of rain water, collapsed the roof over my living room. I was eating cereal in my underwear, in the living room, directly under the failure. I'm cold. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 960

You deserved it 3 830

By hmacy - 01/10/2017 01:30

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via text message while we were having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 514

You deserved it 523

There's an app for everything

By Anonymous - 09/04/2020 05:00

Today, my boyfriend told me that he could predict my periods because he keeps track of when I'm at my bitchiest each month. This wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't so accurate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 367

You deserved it 631

By Anonymous - 29/12/2018 12:00

Today, has been a very long day, so I shall simply say there is a car in my bedroom. Yes a car. It's entirely my husband's fault, we have no idea how we're supposed to remove it, and there's oil all down my favourite pyjamas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 562

You deserved it 304

By inchetogb - 15/01/2011 04:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I spent 30 minutes listening to my grandmother telling us that my cat is a medium. My boyfriend is totally convinced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 555

You deserved it 3 399

By mugged - 15/12/2010 11:58 - Germany

Today, I went to the Salvation Army to donate some clothes. As I was handing over the 4 huge bags that I had carried for 10 blocks, while 6 months pregnant, somebody stole my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 951

You deserved it 3 728

By RosesAreRed - 15/02/2013 06:07 - United States - Cape Girardeau

Today, the attractive guy I barely speak to in my statistics class gave me a rose for Valentine's Day because he remembered they were my favorite. My husband got me a roll of quarters and told me to go buy myself "something pretty." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 781

You deserved it 4 384

By gb - 18/08/2011 05:18 - Australia

Today, I was dancing with the 4 hottest girls I've ever seen at a club, and I fainted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 502

You deserved it 8 834

By Anonymous - 25/10/2012 19:43 - United States - Nutley

Today, trying to be nice, I asked my little sister how school was. She burst into a temper tantrum and screamed at me to fuck off. She's eight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 557

You deserved it 2 537

By Anonymous - 16/11/2013 19:31 - France - Paris

Today, I went with my boyfriend to meet his parents. I had to excuse myself to use the bathroom, and I ended up taking a huge crap that wouldn't flush. I had to reach in and break it up with my hands just so it would flush. Only after I washed up did I notice a plunger sitting under the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 346

You deserved it 48 663

By Sdutent - 01/03/2009 08:34 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she has ever had an affair. She replied, "Yes. With you". FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 085

You deserved it 7 327

By tazthespaz - 29/12/2016 03:18 - United States - Comstock Park

Today, a telemarketer called my house phone and asked for my grandpa. We were having his wake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 128

You deserved it 377

Dicks aplenty!

By pranksonpranks - 14/09/2020 17:02 - United States

Today, my sister and I have been in a prank war. She spammed my phone with dozens of random dick pics from the internet. My boyfriend saw and accused me of cheating. Now he won’t talk to me, and my sister won’t help me explain things. Guess she won. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 491

You deserved it 245

By Jer - 15/07/2013 23:36 - United States - Louisville

Today, I knocked over a display case at a mall, shattering hundreds of dollars in goods. Embarrassed, I tried to scurry out of the nearest door without being seen. I scuttled right into the janitor's closet, the door automatically locking behind me. I waited for an hour to be let out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 046

You deserved it 48 655

Some people are just lazy

By Anonymous - 22/06/2017 00:00

Today, while working, I saw a man napping under a tree. He was still there 3 hours later. Turns out he was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 685

You deserved it 306

Observation

By Anonymous - 17/04/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Right as I was really getting into it, he pauses, frowns, and says, "I think I see the pee hole." FML

I agree, your life sucks 97 570

You deserved it 7 971

By Anonymous - 26/04/2017 04:00

Today, after not showering with my boyfriend in 3 months, he called me in to the bathroom and asked me to shower with him. After getting excited and ripping my clothes off, I get in and he asks me to wash his hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 630

You deserved it 860

By uggo - 29/03/2011 17:12 - United States

Today, I walked into a room, where a guy was violently picking his nose. He kept picking. A very pretty girl walked in after me, and he immediately stopped and sat up straight. Apparently, I'm too ugly to motivate strangers to stop excavating their nasal cavities. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 717

You deserved it 5 398

By Kittykatkrunch - 12/11/2009 05:09 - Australia

Today, I found out my boyfriend was crushing on his best friend. When I found out I asked him about it. He replied. "Don't worry babe, she is perfect and way too good for me". FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 660

You deserved it 3 048

By must be adopted - 11/02/2013 01:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I casually mentioned to my dad that it was the Chinese New Year yesterday. He accused me of insulting his intelligence by "making stupid shit up." I explained that it's real, and that we just use the Gregorian calendar, hence the different dates. He responded by grounding me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 622

You deserved it 4 523

Whoop-di-scoop-di-poop

By lindora - 14/09/2020 17:00 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I counted 3 weeks since my new roommate scooped the poop out of her two cats' litter boxes. Also, she keeps rubbing in my face that she takes such good care of the cats, and I can only pretend to nod in agreement. There’s five more months on the lease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 150

You deserved it 194

By wtf - 01/07/2017 16:00

Today, I got yelled at multiple times by my boss because my boyfriend didn't show up to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 753

You deserved it 415

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Top comments

cb1002630 11

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Wednesday 27 March 2013 23:26

Bet you became a screamer as well

BulldogHoops 14

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Wednesday 27 March 2013 23:24

You brought this upon yourself when your girlfriend's texts were being read over her shoulder.

error404n0tf0und 21

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Wednesday 27 March 2013 23:23

think of it as a threesome!

iammeorami 25

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Wednesday 27 March 2013 23:24

That's old

Harmell 7

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Wednesday 27 March 2013 23:44

I just don't understand why people let dogs into the same room as them while sexing it up

LiveLoveBeatles 19

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Thursday 28 March 2013 2:09

Maybe they didn't let the dog in the room. It's possible the door may have been open

skegyptn 5

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Thursday 28 March 2013 4:14

That's the same thing... Should be smart enough to close the door.

Austin_Burkes 6

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Thursday 28 March 2013 5:45

I'm not saying I'm a genius, but I think I could put a dog outside of a room and shut the door before I have sex. why can't everyone do this???

Toasty283 8

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Thursday 28 March 2013 20:35

@1. I don't know about you, but I think beastiality is disgusting

kyu_Q 19

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Friday 29 March 2013 9:09

Hopefully the orgasm was the first of many. Next time do as the fellow dog owners say and put the dog out before getting busy. Guess you don't really need to be told that now though.

evilshenanigans1 4

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Friday 29 March 2013 10:34

I had the dog out of the room and the door shut once... The dog managed to open the door, come charging in, and bit my boyfriend at the time right on his bare ass...

Doodleoodlebug 18

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Sunday 31 March 2013 5:32

#51, some dogs are very clever and open doors. My boxer used to. Now my lab just lays down while we do it and then afterwards comes to sleep on the bed. Not everyone can shut their dogs out either, they can bark or be destructive which can ruin the mood even more.

monique8axel 6

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Monday 27 May 2013 3:55

Nice!

BulldogHoops 14

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Wednesday 27 March 2013 23:24

You brought this upon yourself when your girlfriend's texts were being read over her shoulder.

lilhellian 26

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Wednesday 27 March 2013 23:38

No it started on the first date when he mentioned he was into golden labs.. That was just icing on the cake! Woof

Tpracingkg 15

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Wednesday 27 March 2013 23:25

At least you gave her one unlike most guys lol

cb1002630 11

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Wednesday 27 March 2013 23:26

Bet you became a screamer as well

legendxs 20

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Tuesday 28 May 2013 12:32

ghaghaghaghaghaghagha Nicely put #5.

RedPillSucks 31

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Wednesday 27 March 2013 23:29

did the dog savage you the same way you savaged your girlfriend?

tygerarmy 35

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Thursday 28 March 2013 0:15

His dog got jealous because the OP was doing it doggie style.

Pleonasm 35

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Wednesday 27 March 2013 23:30

Climaxing doggy style is always very intense.

flockz 19

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Wednesday 27 March 2013 23:32

well ain't that a bitch.

StarJack 9

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Wednesday 27 March 2013 23:32

I guess you could say you gave the dog a bone.

MetallicaFTW 16

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Thursday 28 March 2013 0:04

Joke is old...

TheAbstract 15

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Thursday 28 March 2013 5:40

So is Metallica, and yet they're still around.

MetallicaFTW 16

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Friday 29 March 2013 2:26

Someone's still masturbating over Bieber.

MetallicaFTW 16

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Friday 29 March 2013 2:28

Misread your comment 50, I thought you were dissing. Apologies.

TheAbstract 15

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Friday 29 March 2013 14:51

Aww come on, how can you think I'm a beiber fan from a little joke? That's not okay, brotherman. But to be fair, I was dissing. Not like full-on dissing, but more of a light teasing, you know?

MetallicaFTW 16

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Friday 29 March 2013 23:12

Haha it's funny how everyone assumes that I'm a guy just cause I like Metallica. :) I tend to get in waaaaay too many battles over music tastes so excuse my epic fail. If you haven't already noticed, I also tend to read comments way too quickly and jump to conclusions. :D