Today, I got a haircut, and after thanking the stylist I went...

By Anonymous - 7/1/2010 14:45 - Canada

Today, I got a haircut, and after thanking the stylist I went up front to pay. The lady behind the counter took one look at me, smiled and said "well, now you'll need a hat." FML

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Miscellaneous

Family values

You can't win sometimes

Yappy neighborhood

By Cookie_monster - 8/3/2017 14:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, getting ready to go out, I turned on my straightener. After 5 minutes, I start straightening one big strand when I realize I'm smelting plastic into my hair. Turns out I'd left it on a plastic box. Of course, plastic never comes out, so I had to cut it out. FML

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By Math_Rocker - 2/9/2009 22:17 - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class. Usually, people just sit still when asleep. Nope, not me. Not only had I been violently rocking and nodding my head, the teacher stopped class for everyone to see for 5 minutes as she made jokes. What woke me? The intense laughter followed by embarrassment. FML

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By pussyOUT - 1/9/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, I was at an amusement park with my kids. When we were on the Ferris wheel, I discovered my fear of heights. I hyperventilated, screamed from our seat "LET ME OUT! OH GOD LET ME OUT!!" I also began crying hysterically. They stopped the ride for me to get off. I'm a 45 year old man. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2010 21:44 - United States

Today, I came home to find my younger daughter left her silly band collection on the carpet in front of the fireplace. I now have melted unicorns and princesses stuck in my carpet. FML

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By trash80 - 21/2/2018 19:00

This is why we shop online!

Today, while checking out at Target, I had the choice of standing behind one lady or a long line. Naturally, I chose the former. Half an hour later, the long line had completely passed, and I was still standing behind the lady, who was now arguing with the cashier. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2013 16:17 - United Kingdom - Uddingston

Today, I got dragged to dinner with my grandparents. It was awful from the start, but things took a turn for the worse when my grandpa went to give me a kiss on the cheek as we left. I could clearly see lice crawling around in his beard, and I couldn't stop it from touching my face. FML

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By FootInMyMouth - 13/2/2016 22:56 - United States - Miami

Today, a customer brought his cat in to be euthanized. I told him to "have a nice day" as he was leaving. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2013 11:47 - United Kingdom - Stevenston

Today, the guy I like and his friend came home with me to work on a project. I opened my front door and my mum was at the top of the stairs completely naked, bent over, drying her hair with the hairdryer. It took a few moments for her to realise we were there. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2009 12:08 - Australia

Today, I slept over at my boyfriend's house and he offered to give me a massage, as he'd found a book on sensual massage and wanted to test it out on me. When he went to the bathroom, I found the book open on his desk- at "Massage to eliminate cellulite". FML

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By bigbill - 3/8/2011 04:45 - Canada

Today, I was presented with a bill for $27,601 by my single, alcoholic, deadbeat father. Why? "For having to raise your goddamn lazy ass." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2016 14:04 - United States - Bel Air

Today, while opening up to a few friends about how I was sexually abused as a child, one of them blurted "Pics or it didn't happen." How did the others react? With outrage? No, just with awkward chuckling. FML

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By LittleArtist - 18/2/2014 01:01 - United States - Bessemer

Today, after 3 weeks of hard work, I finally finished painting my room. Apparently my 6-year-old brother thought I wasn't done and that he should help me out. I now have little red handprints all over my white walls. FML

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By Sean Martin - 6/2/2020 05:00

Best uncle

Today, I realized that the last 3 months, I've been taking care of my girlfriends 1 year old kid. The other night, she told me that I was a good uncle to him. FML

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By KaiyaOtaku1 - 14/7/2014 23:48 - United States - Seattle

Today, while eating dinner with my boyfriend, I look up to see him staring at me, smiling. Hoping he wanted to say how lucky of a man he was who loved me deeply, I asked him what he was thinking. He replied, "You can't smell that yet? It was a noxious one." FML

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By WTF Mom - 21/5/2018 01:30

Today, I discovered the reason my 12-year-old brother has been anxious and afraid of cops for the last 6 months. My crazy mother convinced him that porn is illegal and comes with a death penalty. She did the same thing to me when I was his age. FML

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By dogless - 15/10/2019 06:00

Creepy

Today, at my surprise birthday party, my neighbor gave me a new dog collar. My dog was run over by him a week ago. FML

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By torkx3 - 21/7/2009 20:22 - United States

Today, a resident went missing at our nursing home. When I found him, a man in a blue shirt and red pants, he started yelling at me in confusion. I just thought it was his alzheimers. When I brought him to my administrator, I was told the missing resident was wearing a red shirt and blue pants. Wrong guy. FML

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By collegekidproblems - 30/6/2016 19:35 - United States

Today, I have put in many job applications and had many interviews for a variety of positions all of which I am highly qualified for. Today, I heard back from all but one that I am overqualified. Welcome to Walmart. FML

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By best_friend - 25/7/2011 06:43 - United States

Today, I went to my friend's house because his family was having a move away party for him. Everything was going good until his dad decided to give a toast. Including an anecdote about how he walked in on us watching porn together. FML

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By kiwi - 13/2/2009 19:24 - United Kingdom

Today, as I was getting dressed after having sex with a guy I like, he told me I looked better with my clothes on. FML

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By cuckoo - 22/8/2015 03:59 - United States - Mobile

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend, when I saw my best friend. I jokingly did a double-take and said I didn't recognize him with his clothes on. We laughed, talked a bit, then went our separate ways. My girlfriend later dumped me, claiming I'm blatantly gay and cheating on her. FML

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By Jesstanothergurl - 18/7/2016 19:35 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to visit a new office building for a meeting. Halfway through the meeting, I got really nauseous and needed to throw up. I ran to find a bathroom, but got lost and ended up in a printing room. With no other option, I was forced to puke into a large envelope. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2013 05:20 - United States

Today, I got into an accident on my motorcycle. When I told my wife that the doctor said I couldn't have sex for two weeks, she couldn't contain her joy. FML

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By Gayeveryday - 15/4/2012 04:12 - Canada - Truro

Today, I came out to my parents. They still think I'm joking. FML

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By onlyjuggalos - 31/1/2016 08:13 - United States

Today, I told my grandpa that I want to join the police force. His response: "You wanna lynch some blacks without the jail time, eh?" FML

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By Lulu - 17/9/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, I was washing some clothes in the laundry room at my apartment complex. I went back an hour later, passed my neighbor on the way in, and moved my clothes to the dryer. I just brought them back from the dryer, and all my underwear are missing. FML

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By Ouchithurt - 4/8/2009 07:55 - United States

Today, I was following my girlfriend up the stairs, I was pretty sure I was going to get lucky. As I was almost up the set of stairs, she lifted her skirt and revealed to me that she wasn't wearing any panties. I fell backwards down the stairs. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2009 10:11 - United States

Today, I found out that a co-worker of mine that I had originally hired, trained, and mentored to work in my department for the past 4 years had just got the promotion that I had applied for. He is now my boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2009 03:30 - Canada

Today, I was watching the show "Sixteen and Pregnant". I started bawling when the girl's dirtbag boyfriend proposed to her with a $20 ring he bought from Walmart because I was so lonely and was jealous of her "romantic relationship". FML

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By Anon - 18/12/2013 09:56 - United States - Paso Robles

Today, I had to pee during a supervised lockdown. I asked my teacher to take me since we couldn't be in the halls alone. Since class was going, she couldn't take me. Much to my dismay, she sent a school-wide email asking for someone to take me to pee. Six teachers took me, including my principal. FML

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By randommanwill - 16/2/2016 20:22 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my dad got angry with me for not watching "Better Call Saul" with him, because he thinks it will help me with law school. He did this while I was actually reading for a class taught by the top health law professor in the country. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2009 15:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and his parents met my family. My grandpa thought it would be funny to walk around with a realistic gun and make references about being in the mafia. The rest of my family went along with it. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2017 22:40 - United States - Monroe

A+ for Effort

Today, being Valentine's Day, I went all out for my wife with flowers, a candlelit dinner, and tickets to a broadway show. The flowers arrived dead, the dinner sucked, and my wife hated the show. Afterwards, I tried to be intimate, but apparently I smelled like a shart trapped in a pant leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2014 02:46 - United States

Today, I finished building a porch I've worked hard on for the past 2 weeks, and I was very proud on how amazing it turned out. Within 20 minutes of it being completed, my pregnant dog decided to crawl underneath it to have her puppies. I had to take half the porch apart to get to her and them. FML

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By timon_n_pumbaa - 11/1/2020 09:00 - Japan - Tokyo

Second time

Today, I found myself locked in a bathroom for the second time in my life. This time at least I was at home. I live alone. I had to break the window on the shower door and crawl out. Now, I need to crawl in/out to shower, brush my teeth and more. FML

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By Grosssss - 15/7/2016 16:08 - United States - Harrisonburg

Today, I found out that whenever my roommate's friend-with-benefits comes over, he uses my bikini trimmer to shave his pubic hair. I've been using that trimmer for months. FML

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By ew - 3/11/2015 15:43 - United States - Pickens

Today, my dad got dressed up in formal clothes, and I asked what the occasion was. He said he had a hot date, which would've been fine if he hadn't told me what was "on the menu", namely "wining, dining, sixty-nining". Thanks for that image. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2010 08:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend kept trying to convince me to do anal with him. After denying him several times he told me "Why it feels good, trust me." I asked him how would he know. There was a long awkward silence when he then replied with "I'm not gay I swear." FML

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By gross - 20/10/2010 16:14 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in bed with a pedestal fan on facing us when my boyfriend sneezed. Where did he sneeze? Into the fan, which then sprayed it all over my face. FML

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By JD - 8/10/2009 05:41 - United States

Today, while I was making love to my wife, she looks up and says, "I'll paint the ceiling white." FML

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Top comments

By whosawkwardnow | 0

#760349 - Thursday 7 January 2010 16:20

was it really short? it's winter, so if it was, that might've been al she meant.

By me5 | 0

#760340 - Thursday 7 January 2010 16:17

Yeah you shouldn't have paid. Sue ensues!

Comments

By Juuuu_fml | 0

#760332 - Thursday 7 January 2010 16:13

Haha! Well you shouldn't pay for it then...hope you didn't tip

dabears1011234 | 27

#6021481 - Monday 28 July 2014 8:32

I pray op didn't tip.

By me5 | 0

#760340 - Thursday 7 January 2010 16:17

Yeah you shouldn't have paid. Sue ensues!

Siena5687 | 4

#4816935 - Wednesday 15 August 2012 19:37

I like your pig

By whosawkwardnow | 0

#760349 - Thursday 7 January 2010 16:20

was it really short? it's winter, so if it was, that might've been al she meant.

bittersweets | 2

#760360 - Thursday 7 January 2010 16:23

my thoughts exactly

geordieboysgirl | 0

#760387 - Thursday 7 January 2010 16:33

Mine too. the receptionist would not last long if she was telling clients they looked bad.

Boddmon | 0

#760445 - Thursday 7 January 2010 17:13

Just an FYI (also just to be a d*ick, hair salons don't have receptionists.. he or she would be a cashier.

xXAisuXx | 0

#760456 - Thursday 7 January 2010 17:23

YA they do.

iggywig | 0

#760457 - Thursday 7 January 2010 17:23

@16 WRONG.

Who books appointments and assigns the hairdresser to the person? The janitor?

Boddmon | 0

#760458 - Thursday 7 January 2010 17:24

Not called a receptionist.

Boddmon | 0

#760462 - Thursday 7 January 2010 17:28

also, they don't have janitors.

iggywig | 0

#760471 - Thursday 7 January 2010 17:30

I know they don't have janitors, I was being sarcastic.

And at every salon that I've ever been to, they were 'receptionists'.

tractortrash06 | 0

#760484 - Thursday 7 January 2010 17:37

what he said

Flutist | 3

#761856 - Friday 8 January 2010 10:32

The magical book does it for the hair dressers. DUH

anonymous1109 | 4

#1578411 - Wednesday 20 October 2010 20:26

my hair salon has a receptionist.

lexa1love | 16

#5774567 - Sunday 1 December 2013 16:37

The hair salon I go to has a receptionist and a janitor.

By ILIEKGIRLS | 5

#760351 - Thursday 7 January 2010 16:21

lololololol

By ohmigawdess | 0

#760365 - Thursday 7 January 2010 16:24

I'm sure it was just because it's cold outside and she was saying the hair is short and your head would get cold. This is so not an FML.

funny_story | 4

#760774 - Thursday 7 January 2010 20:37

I could have been like a promo too, like if they were a new haircut place they could do "get and haircut and get a free hat" kind of deal, there's probably more to this story...