Today, I got a haircut, and after thanking the stylist I went...

By Anonymous - 7/1/2010 14:45 - Canada

Today, I got a haircut, and after thanking the stylist I went up front to pay. The lady behind the counter took one look at me, smiled and said "well, now you'll need a hat." FML

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Miscellaneous

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Recycling helps

By zacharynedley - 6/1/2015 00:16 - United States - Elkridge

Today, I got fired from my job because my boss thinks that me doing everything he says makes me untrustworthy. FML

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By SpiderMan - 12/3/2009 00:23 - United States

Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor... and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML

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By kel - 10/2/2010 17:34 - United States

Today, in between the passing times at school, one of my classmates opened the door to my next class, so I turned to tell him thank you. Apparently, he was opening it for the teacher who was leaving. I collided with her and her very hot cup of coffee. FML

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By to_complicated_4_u - 4/5/2015 16:28 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I got screamed at to the point of tears by a Starbucks employee for "giving an obviously fake name" to confuse one of the employees. I told her my real name. My name is Ian. FML

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By Uncomfortable - 17/5/2013 07:21

Today, I tried on a new perfume. When my boyfriend hugged me, he commented that I smelled like his mom. I don't know who was more surprised by the simultaneous bulge in his pants. FML

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By twiggygonegirl - 6/6/2017 22:00

Today, I updated my list of "quit smoking rewards" to include new clothes. New clothes to fit my new voluptuous body, because the question of how I used to stay thin has been answered. FML

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By dumpyhair - 16/8/2019 04:04

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he, "just can't keep dating a girl with so many split ends." FML

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By Single - 19/8/2010 05:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He also decided the best way to end our relationship was to kill me and our virtual child on The Sims 3 by setting us on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2012 00:36 - United States - Panama City

Today, my mom came home drunk and yelled at me for 20 minutes for not feeding the cat. We don't have a cat. FML

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By ChevRooon - 27/1/2012 04:46 - United States

Today, I went to the gas station, paid the clerk, and drove off without pumping any gas. FML

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By John - 10/7/2013 02:48 - United States

Today, while leaving McDonald's, I threw a fry out the window to a flock of seagulls. I watched in the rear-view mirror as it landed in the opposite lane and about 60 winged rats descended upon the street, causing a truck to veer off the road and crash. FML

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By Username - 8/1/2011 07:01 - United States

Today, I got to listen to my younger brother have sex with a girl while I sat in my room playing World of Warcraft on a Friday night. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2009 03:34 - United States

Today, I met this really nice guy at the mall and he gave me his number. Later that night, I texted him. We got on the subject of food, and I started talking about how much I love veal. He responded with saying I was supporting animal murder, that I should go to hell and lose his number. FML

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By JuicyJohn - 9/9/2009 01:33 - United States

Today, I realized that the shorts I have been wearing all day say "Juicy" on the ass. My name is John. FML

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By EmDa - 21/4/2011 14:44 - India

Today, I ran into a guy who I was completely in love with for months. After a couple of minutes, I realised he totally bores me senseless. What a waste of 4 months obsessing over that shithead. FML

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By ItWasHotAsBalls - 22/12/2016 00:56

Today, my mom was out of the house, so I decided to make her a gift. I went into the garage for supplies and somehow ended up locking myself in for the next 2 hours. Not only that, but I cut my hand with the rusty paperclip I used to try to pick the lock. FML

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By Elephant1718 - 12/6/2013 01:16 - United States - The Dalles

Today, I was looking forward to my only day to sleep-in this month while I'm balancing school and work. I was rudely awakened at 6 am by my sister and her friend trying to make pancakes, burning them, and setting off the fire alarm in my house for half an hour. FML

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By slappedright - 26/7/2011 23:19 - United States

Today, I went with my boyfriend to the OC fair. He was taking a picture of me in front of a giant mechanical butterfly at the insect exhibit. Playfully, he told me to pretend to be a butterfly, so I quickly lifted my arms, just in time to slap a 7 year old girl in the face. FML

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By Dildno - 10/12/2016 08:48 - United States - Worcester

Today, I was using my iPad for a presentation. I locked it and left it connected to the projector while I prepared to present. When I turned around to begin, I realized there had been a push notification from Groupon asking if I was still interested in a dildo. FML

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By theyre not THAT big. - 1/7/2013 04:35 - United States - Auburn

Today, I went to get new shoes. I'm a pretty tall girl and I have proportional feet. I asked the cute guy who worked there for a size 9.5. He burst into laughter before putting on a shocked face and saying, "Oh wait... You're serious." Goodbye, self esteem. FML

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By shirley - 28/2/2011 02:20 - Spain

Today, I tried a new sugar scrub soap that's supposed to help get rid of cellulite. I didn't read the instructions correctly and now as well as still having the cellulite, my butt looks like I got a massage from an angry cat. FML

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By wtf - 3/5/2014 16:50 - Germany - Ramstein

Today, I had a nightmare and woke up in a cold sweat. My girlfriend was in bed with me at the time, and swears I yelled out another girl's name. She considers this proof that I'm cheating on her, and now she won't even speak to me. FML

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By 1gullible_bugger - 8/7/2019 20:00

Today, I was assaulted by a crazy drunk woman. Why? Six years ago, her kids were put into foster care because she was unfit. Somehow, this was my fault. FML

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By rickjameson - 29/8/2016 10:19 - United States - Kill Devil Hills

Today, I made a point of talking to our parachute riggers, and thanking them for all they do. Today is also the first day I had to pull my reserve chute because my main chute didn't open correctly. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2020 23:05

What a charmer

Today, after surgery on Monday, I can’t do much because of where my scars are until they heal. My husband won’t clean the house at all, dishes are all over my kitchen bar, laundry is all piled up by the washing machine. When I asked for help, he said it’s not his job. FML

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By p!nk - 12/9/2020 11:01 - United States

Policy schmolicy

Today, I let my daughter dye her hair pink. I got an email from her school stating that the hair color violated the school dress code as it's “distracting,” and she will not be allowed to attend classes until she changes it. We do school over Zoom. Not sure how her hair distracts on a screen. FML

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By StiffPvtParts - 4/6/2019 18:00

Today, after a night of drinking, I awoke in the early hours of the morning to a sight of my roommate playing with my penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2018 12:00

Today, I was celebrating my birthday when my friend gave me a chocolate as a gift. I wasn't suspecting anything and ate about half of it before I noticed something strange. It turned out there were some kind of worms living in it and the chocolate was about a year after the expiration date. I got sick. FML

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By anon - 27/4/2016 16:13 - Canada - Vaudreuil

Today, I went to see a hockey game. The announcer asked if anybody found a ring in the stands, because a girl lost hers. While he talked about it, I realised that I forgot mine in my pocket, so I took MY ring and put it on my finger. A guy saw me and thought I stole the lost one. FML

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By Violated - 9/12/2009 08:47 - United States

Today, I fell asleep on the train and accidentally wound up resting my head on a strange man's shoulder. When I woke up, I discovered that not only did he not object, but he decided to return the favor by resting his hand on my thigh. I was wearing a skirt. FML

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By Gregory - 28/11/2008 10:28 - France

Today, while shopping for a pair of shoes, I saw a pair I really liked lying around, so I sat down to try them on. Then, a man came up to me and pointed out that they were actually his shoes. FML

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By Username - 3/1/2011 11:40

Today, I lost my virginity, I think. Does it still count if she left halfway through, laughing? FML

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By TextLoser - 5/8/2009 13:37 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the bus next to a hot guy who was texting. I sneaked a peek at his phone to see if he was texting a girl so I could know if he was single. As I looked at his screen, he turned it towards me and typed in caps "STOP BEING A CREEPER." He got out of his seat and off the bus. FML

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By notmyfam - 9/9/2016 07:47 - Australia - Chester Hill

Today, my boyfriend stood me up. At dinner with his parents. FML

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By Confession - 16/5/2016 02:07 - Belgium

Get the message

Today, I've been begging my boyfriend to get us a dog for months now. This morning, I noticed he'd bought some toilet paper with dogs printed on it. I asked him if it was a sign. He replied, "Yeah, one you can stick up your ass." FML

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By Evan Chong - 13/7/2011 14:48 - Canada

Today, I went to a concert with a friend of mine. When his dad came to pick him up, I walked towards the car, expecting a ride. His dad told me he didn't have time to drive me home. I'm his neighbour. FML

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By Davios - 24/9/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, I moved in with an older gentleman renting out a room. Tonight, he had a domestic dispute with his girlfriend who threw a lawn chair at my car. FML

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By Username - 20/7/2011 23:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me by tossing the ring at me and saying "Here, wear this." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2011 07:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was disgusted because I dropped a Skittle on the floor and ate it. He thought peeing on me in the shower was just fine. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2010 04:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got scared of a fly, freaked out, and accidentally punched me in the face. FML

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Top comments

By whosawkwardnow | 0

#760349 - Thursday 7 January 2010 16:20

was it really short? it's winter, so if it was, that might've been al she meant.

By me5 | 0

#760340 - Thursday 7 January 2010 16:17

Yeah you shouldn't have paid. Sue ensues!

COMMENTS

By Juuuu_fml | 0

#760332 - Thursday 7 January 2010 16:13

Haha! Well you shouldn't pay for it then...hope you didn't tip

dabears1011234 | 27

#6021481 - Monday 28 July 2014 8:32

I pray op didn't tip.

By me5 | 0

#760340 - Thursday 7 January 2010 16:17

Yeah you shouldn't have paid. Sue ensues!

Siena5687 | 4

#4816935 - Wednesday 15 August 2012 19:37

I like your pig

By whosawkwardnow | 0

#760349 - Thursday 7 January 2010 16:20

was it really short? it's winter, so if it was, that might've been al she meant.

bittersweets | 2

#760360 - Thursday 7 January 2010 16:23

my thoughts exactly

geordieboysgirl | 0

#760387 - Thursday 7 January 2010 16:33

Mine too. the receptionist would not last long if she was telling clients they looked bad.

Boddmon | 0

#760445 - Thursday 7 January 2010 17:13

Just an FYI (also just to be a d*ick, hair salons don't have receptionists.. he or she would be a cashier.

xXAisuXx | 0

#760456 - Thursday 7 January 2010 17:23

YA they do.

iggywig | 0

#760457 - Thursday 7 January 2010 17:23

@16 WRONG.

Who books appointments and assigns the hairdresser to the person? The janitor?

Boddmon | 0

#760458 - Thursday 7 January 2010 17:24

Not called a receptionist.

Boddmon | 0

#760462 - Thursday 7 January 2010 17:28

also, they don't have janitors.

iggywig | 0

#760471 - Thursday 7 January 2010 17:30

I know they don't have janitors, I was being sarcastic.

And at every salon that I've ever been to, they were 'receptionists'.

tractortrash06 | 0

#760484 - Thursday 7 January 2010 17:37

what he said

Flutist | 3

#761856 - Friday 8 January 2010 10:32

The magical book does it for the hair dressers. DUH

anonymous1109 | 4

#1578411 - Wednesday 20 October 2010 20:26

my hair salon has a receptionist.

lexa1love | 16

#5774567 - Sunday 1 December 2013 16:37

The hair salon I go to has a receptionist and a janitor.

By ILIEKGIRLS | 5

#760351 - Thursday 7 January 2010 16:21

lololololol

By ohmigawdess | 0

#760365 - Thursday 7 January 2010 16:24

I'm sure it was just because it's cold outside and she was saying the hair is short and your head would get cold. This is so not an FML.

funny_story | 4

#760774 - Thursday 7 January 2010 20:37

I could have been like a promo too, like if they were a new haircut place they could do "get and haircut and get a free hat" kind of deal, there's probably more to this story...