Miscellaneous: Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to take... - FML

By michael - 14/02/2012 02:55 - United States

Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to take a dump out of a second-story window is a very bad idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 181

You deserved it 41 892

Vulture

Late term

Best teeth in the game

By Anonymous - 30/10/2014 20:55 - United States - College Place

Spicy

Today, I had to go to my dentist about a chipped tooth. I got it after my hand slipped off my dick and slammed straight into my face while I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 910

You deserved it 27 318

By Bilibók Renáta - 16/08/2019 14:00

Today, I drove my car into a fence because a spider was crawling from the mirror. The police laughed their asses off. One of them asked, "What should I write in the report? That she got scared of a spider?" Then he wrote just that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 357

You deserved it 796

By Anonymous - 08/08/2009 22:17 - Australia

Today, I competed in a ballet competition and made the finals, while I was on stage awaiting the results, I sneezed really loudly and snot went flying all over the stage. When I went to accept my award the woman presenting it refused to shake my hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 627

You deserved it 8 786

By S3R1AL K1LL3R X - 19/10/2010 04:21 - United States

Today, in my college class, our teacher asked us what we wanted to do when we get out of college. I guess being a U.S. Marine gets you a lecture for the whole class to hear that I'm a war hungry pig, and should get a real job that requires a brain. My job field is Aircraft repair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 296

You deserved it 4 479

Alexa, play "That's Not My Name" by The Ting Tings

By ItalianBabyDoll - 11/04/2020 14:00

Today, during my boyfriends birthday dinner, his father shouted, “Jessica, can you slice me a piece too?” My name isn’t Jessica and I’ve been in their family for over two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 605

You deserved it 150

The grind

By Gunaditya - 26/09/2021 23:00

Today, what did I get after a long, tiring week? A long, depressing weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 734

You deserved it 101

By Adam - 16/01/2017 08:00

Spicy

Today, my wife decided to end our dry spell of four months and started dry humping and kissing me in bed. Things were going well until she orgasmed from the activity and declared that she was too tired to do any more, rolled over, and fell asleep. Five months or bust. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 590

You deserved it 960

Leave me alone

By Anonymous - 01/08/2020 17:00

Today, my idea of partying is vacuuming the house. Because that’s the only time when I have a legitimate excuse to wear headphones, listen to music and not be available for my grandma to call out to me because she wants something or other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 314

You deserved it 129

Pampered

By really karen?! - 29/09/2021 20:00 - United States

Today, I had to place a call home because a student was late every single day. The mom rudely replied, “Yeah well she doesn’t really like getting up in the mornings. Can’t you just wait and start class like 30 minutes later?” Now I have to have a conference with this spoiled brat and her mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 387

You deserved it 76

By Anonymous - 28/12/2012 04:31 - United States

Today, my girlfriend donated most of my book collection because she got me a Kindle for Christmas. Some were signed, including my Harry Potters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 956

You deserved it 4 452

By nightDREAMERms - 23/04/2011 14:55 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out the hard way that I'm the "lucky" type of woman who can experience intense orgasms in certain positions: in the middle of group yoga. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 669

You deserved it 7 491

By Anonymous - 12/07/2014 16:09 - United Kingdom - Crawley

Today, my brother decided to help me artificially age some of my artwork by singeing the edges slightly. Apparently "my brother set fire to my homework" isn't a valid excuse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 802

You deserved it 6 427

By penisgrabber - 15/12/2010 17:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, I came to the realization I make a living trimming the hair off dogs' privates. I've touched more dog penises than I have human ones, and sometimes the dogs get "excited" while I'm working. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 351

You deserved it 7 035

By emmamrose7 - 15/08/2014 03:36 - United States - Vista

Spicy

Today, I tried skydiving for the first time. The professional I was attached to had a boner the whole way down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 536

You deserved it 6 029

Monday morning

By Exil - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to call patients that we hadn't seen in a long time. Most of them were dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 093

You deserved it 2 011

By x0SoReckless0x - 16/11/2009 11:39 - United States

Today, some obnoxious guys started calling me ugly. I tried to ignore them and be the bigger person. That's pretty hard to do when they start throwing rocks at you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 273

You deserved it 3 450

By Anonymous - 07/08/2009 00:45 - United States

Today, I went to visit teachers at the high school I graduated from 3 months ago as valedictorian. Turns out, I had an expired parking permit, and I didn't properly get a visitor pass. The school went into a "yellow lockdown" because of me. My car was towed. I got arrested for trespassing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 289

You deserved it 8 969

The Little Sperm That Could

By Anonymous - 24/08/2017 16:00

Today, I found out I'm three weeks pregnant with a guy I've been dating for a month. I'm on the pill and we even used a condom. This baby must be some kind of superhuman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 704

You deserved it 885

By EmDa - 21/04/2011 14:44 - India

Today, I ran into a guy who I was completely in love with for months. After a couple of minutes, I realised he totally bores me senseless. What a waste of 4 months obsessing over that shithead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 715

You deserved it 64 781

By okay then - 13/02/2013 22:09 - United States - Avon Lake

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he found out my birthday is the same day as his, and he thinks we are twins who were separated at birth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 750

You deserved it 3 508

By Ew-dles - 09/09/2017 20:00

Today, I was finishing a bowl of ramen while watching a video. As I scooped up the last bits, I realized the clump of seasoning I had been saving for last was actually a dead fly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 379

You deserved it 605

Overreaction much?

By Anonymous - 04/10/2014 15:17 - Denmark

Today, my allergies flared up and I started sneezing. I guess my girlfriend was having a bad day, because she lost her shit and started telling me how annoying I am and how I can never do anything right. I'm not sure if we're still a couple, because she stormed out and won't answer my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 905

You deserved it 3 308

By Anonymous - 24/05/2011 03:19 - Canada

Today, my boss contacted me to come in for a quick meeting. I drove 30 minutes to get to work only to find out she was firing me and wanted my key card back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 911

You deserved it 2 909

By Prodigy - 11/02/2010 14:07 - United States

Today, I ran into a former college classmate at Subway. He gushed on and on about how I was the only one in our class with true potential. Then I asked him what kind of sandwich he wanted, because 3 years out of college, Subway is still the only place that will hire a music major. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 180

You deserved it 7 902

By emeraldapostle - 25/11/2018 17:30

Today, I had a good day at work. I got all of my stuff done, I got to eat, and I got to clock out on time. It only became a bad day when I was told by my boss that today was my day off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 792

You deserved it 557

By Anonymous - 01/03/2017 18:00 - Canada - Westerose

Today I started a new job, I found out that my employer doesn't follow the labour laws and my new co-workers are planning on reporting the owner of the company. The owner is my father, and I want to help them report him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 048

You deserved it 786

By Ep1cF4ce - 26/07/2011 04:03 - United States

Today, I was sleeping like a baby on our living room couch. My older brother and his friends lit my slippers on fire. While I was wearing them. They even took a video. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 010

You deserved it 3 412

By Suzie - 18/02/2019 16:00

Today, the family posted my mother in law’s obituary. My husband was listed as a survivor, with no mention of me, while all the other spouses were named. Also listed as a survivor - his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 469

You deserved it 197

Perfect timing!

By Savanerzz - 18/03/2018 01:30

Today my fiancé broke up with me. Two hours later, the store I bought my dress from called to say it’s ready to be picked up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 879

You deserved it 284

By Chouse - 07/09/2012 01:56 - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, during my uncle's funeral, my four year old loudly asked, "Where's all the dead people?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 732

You deserved it 2 671

By anon - 23/03/2015 02:24 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was playing with my 3-year-old nephew when he suddenly got up and ran to his mom to tell her I was "touching in bad spots". I was tickling his armpits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 247

You deserved it 2 905

By grlks - 19/02/2009 07:08 - United States

Today, I told a girl I liked her. She replied, "Don't". FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 027

You deserved it 5 851

Taking advantage

By Stigmamma - 28/06/2020 05:06

Today, after 3 months of my man claiming he's going to start eating better "next week", he finally went on a diet. What changed? I started eating healthy while trying for a baby. He is "supporting me" by getting me to do extra meal prep for him too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 245

You deserved it 261

By Welshite - 03/04/2014 20:53 - United States

Today, my coworkers continued their new favorite game: staring at me in total unnerving silence. I can't help but be reminded of serial killers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 956

You deserved it 3 350

By Rachel - 01/03/2012 21:43 - United States

Today, I joined a new choir. My director asked me if my best friend was actually my girlfriend. Taken aback, I said no, I was not a lesbian. He then asked me to clarify my gender. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 128

You deserved it 4 819

By Bob - 14/04/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, I was working at a local restaurant when another server's table called me over to ask if I've "ever killed anybody". They informed me I looked like a serial killer. I informed them, of course, that I have never killed anybody. Another customer claimed I scared her child. I was fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 896

You deserved it 4 654

By Clueless - 21/04/2011 23:49 - United States

Today, at work, we've just hired a new load of people. As an icebreaker, we were paired up randomly and told to learn about our partner so that we can introduce them to the group. I got matched up with someone I've worked with for 4 months. Mid-conversation, I blurted out "I don't know your name." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 027

You deserved it 31 025

Third degree

By Anonymous - 10/07/2021 06:01

Today, my wife left her curling iron on the bed, which was dangerous enough, but I also accidentally sat on it after my shower. Now I have a burn on the bottom of my balls, which has turned into a painful blister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 374

You deserved it 92

By WickedLittleDoll - 01/12/2014 16:38 - United States - Laurinburg

Today, I realized my anger management has hit a new low when I screamed at a goose for being a goose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 595

You deserved it 8 839

By ashley - 30/04/2009 20:54 - United States

Today, my sister had her batmitzvah. During the party, there is a tradition where the batmitzvah gets lifted on a chair, and so does her family. It was my turn after my sister's. I got in the chair. They couldn't lift me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 186

You deserved it 28 535

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Top comments

LaColombianita 26

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 9:01

You're just full of shitty ideas aren't you, OP?

LookOnBrightSide 12

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 9:01

Guessing that isn't the best idea in the world, OP. Next time, stick with regular toilets, especially when drunk.

Comments

LookOnBrightSide 12

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 9:01

Guessing that isn't the best idea in the world, OP. Next time, stick with regular toilets, especially when drunk.

nic7973 23

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 9:13

there's such a thing as a normal toilet when drunk???

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 9:36

1- Whenever I see your profile picture out of the corner of my eye it look like Abraham Lincoln.

MetalxSoldier 26

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 10:38

I thought that was Abe Lincoln...

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 10:56

No sir it is not.

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 11:05

At least toilet water doesnt splash on your ass.

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 12:30

Solid advice.

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 14:01

16 has it right!

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 21:42

He probably landed on his shit

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 23:39

Chocolate Rain? Lulz

LaColombianita 26

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 9:01

You're just full of shitty ideas aren't you, OP?

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 9:02

Was waiting for a shitty pun. :L

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 11:25

What a shit situation

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 12:01

OP u shit head.

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 12:58

Shit

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 15:09

AWWWWW SHIT!.....I ATE MAH DESK AGAIN!

skullcandifiedDJ 5

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 22:10

No SHIT Sherlock

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Thursday 16 February 2012 5:05

Boner

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 9:01

makes for a funny story though

DrMime 10

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 9:49

Be careful OP, or you'll do something even dumber. Like waging war against the moon, and doing battle by throwing sticks at it nightly!

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 11:32

Amen to that, he's practically a pigeon

thiscrazything 1

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 19:00

Probably not so funny, though, to the people on the first floor.

DontClickOnMe 28

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 9:02

I feel bad for whoever it landed on.. I mean if it did land on someone.

LaColombianita 26

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 9:03

Didn't even think of that. Better hope they had an umbrella at least.

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 9:04

Or maybe he landed on someone? Lol

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 9:17

He probably fell out of the window while trying or something in that nature.

Cryptic_Equinox 0

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 12:54

I wonder if you could like, snipe someone with a turd. The possibilities..

ninjuh_wingman 29

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 9:03

Oh really? I didnt realize that. Thank you for your great wisdom.

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 9:03

Shitting out the window isn't so bad as long as you don't fall out and land in your own shit.

SoSickWithIt 14

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 10:58

And it's not even half as bad as trying to shit out of the 13th story window. Count your blessings OP.

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 6:22

Actually a lot of buildings don't label the 13th floor as the 13th floor cause of how unlucky it is. They skip over it. Er... Was that in a movie? LOL still useless trivia either way.

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 6:28

DEFENESTRATION!!!!!!!!! :D!!!!! (sorry, I really like defenestration)

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 9:03

Sad that you had to learn from experience

DrMime 10

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 9:18

Oh ya! "I learned never to shit out of a window while drunk", good lesson! Reminds me of learning that I shouldn't eat McDonalds at one AM while driving southbound down a highway. Or how I should never try to relate to people's situations with weird ultra specific terms. For instance, if you're a comedian you should never open up with "Who else here likes the feeling you get after masturbating with maple syrup?!" Nothing relates to people better than that!

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 2:01

What are you talking about?

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 4:21

Don't mind DrMime...he is just a freaking weirdo. He says some really off the wall shit (no pun intended).

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 6:24

Talk about a sticky situation. More ways then one, too. lol

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 6:30

I think that guy could say anything and I would still be amused due to his profile pic......

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 9:04

I can't see how...

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 10:04

When people are drunk, possibilities are endless. Probably isn't anything you won't ever do if you're really wasted

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 11:28

I see what you did there in the photo...

MetalxSoldier 26

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 9:05

I think shitting anywhere other than a toilet is a bad idea, drunk or sober... Just me? Okay then

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 1:53

No toilet in the woods.

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 6:32

Do like the bears and plug it then

Goatinsfriend 8

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 9:05

Not the brightest idea.

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 589

You deserved it 76

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 684

You deserved it 143