Health: Today, I was taking a dump and I pushed so hard that I got light...

By BrownDump - United States

Today, I was taking a dump and I pushed so hard that I got light headed and passed out on the floor. FML

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41236

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14152

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Health

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By dishwasherforlife - United States

Today, I filled out a 'perfect job placement' test, where you put down your skills, experience and education level and then it finds you jobs based on your abilities and areas of knowledge. No lie, the most compatible job they found for me was 'Dishwasher'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31394

You deserved it

6133

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By gloria77 - United States

Today, I took my kids to visit their grandma. At one point while playing, my youngest said "shit", so I admonished her. My mom snorted and told me to "stop being such a little bitch", because it will make my kids into "lame prisses like their mother". FML

I agree, your life sucks

30267

You deserved it

7452

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By Aaaaahhhhhhhh

Today, I came home to carpenter ants coming out from under my baseboards. I went out and bought bait traps and now there are flying ants coming out of the woodwork. If I try to sleep they crawl on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2724

You deserved it

151

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By chris - 5/5/2020 14:00

Frustration level 100

Today, I saw my bike locked outside a Starbucks down the street from my house. It was stolen about 10 days ago from my communal laundry room. There was even a cop parked across the street, but I have no proof to show that bike even belonged to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1509

You deserved it

186

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By nick - United States - Highland Park

Today, my girlfriend started making pig noises during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15307

You deserved it

2078

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By halfmypaycheckgone - United States - Monroe

Today, a state trooper ticketed me after learning I was ticketed for the same offense an hour earlier, namely driving with a broken headlight. The good news is that both tickets will be dismissed if I go to court. The bad news is that I'd have to go to different courthouses at the same time of day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33896

You deserved it

4201

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By Anonymous - United States - Arlington

Today, I realized that the smell of chlorine has started to turn me on, probably because my girlfriend has an indoor pool in her house. Guess who works as a swim instructor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46934

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6467

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By HaedLei - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has a fetish for cats. I think I'm going to have to meow before we do anything together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47093

You deserved it

5830

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By edot - United Kingdom

Today, I went to see John Mayer. Being 6'2", I didn't think there would be any trouble seeing the stage, until three 6'6" men stood directly in front of me, pissed in a cup and managed to spill it over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32339

You deserved it

4753

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By DuChaillu - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to perform a strip tease for me. As he was stripping out of his clothes, he took his shirt and then pants off first. He was wearing zebra striped knee high socks and underwear. I burst out laughing. He left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12085

You deserved it

27684

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By Noname - United Kingdom

Not now, Kevin

Today, my boyfriend struck up a conversation about the reproductive systems of seahorses. We were getting intimate at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27181

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2621

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2020 14:00

Hard to bare

Today, I was showing my boss a picture on my phone. I didn’t expect her to take my phone from my hand and continue to flip through photos. I anxiously motioned for her to give my phone back, only to realize she had already swiped to my nude picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1537

You deserved it

636

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By Anonymous

Today, I got pulled over and was given a ticket because my exhaust was too loud. I got this ticket while on my way to get said exhaust fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13191

You deserved it

990

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By Anonymous - United States - Woodbridge

Today, the 3 girls who have continuously bullied me for the past 3 years gave a class presentation on why bullying is so terrible. Judging from our teacher's comments, they're going to get top marks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29458

You deserved it

1728

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By mentallyscarred - United States

Today, while I was waiting at a bus stop, a man stopped at the red light and smiled at me. I smiled back. He blew me a kiss and drove away, just as I realized he was masturbating behind the wheel. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33991

You deserved it

4682

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By No Job - United States - Prairieville

Today, I was supposed to start my new job. I had forgotten I had a doctor's appointment, so I called work early and told them I wouldn't be able to start until tomorrow. My boss then terminated my employment. I got fired before I even started. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13311

You deserved it

30469

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By blahmina - United States

Today, I had to walk home from school in the rain, because my mom "didn't have a car to pick me up in". But when I got home, the car had magically appeared. Just great. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23797

You deserved it

2350

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By Username - France

Today, I had the rehearsal for two of my friends' wedding. My ex-husband is also in the wedding, and I just found out we have to walk down the aisle together 'for height reasons'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39674

You deserved it

3852

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was so insecure, I got scared of what people might think of my fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22581

You deserved it

6017

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By Anonymous - United States - South Bend

Today, I finally met my daughter's boyfriend. He has a face tattoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34300

You deserved it

6057

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By really mature, GRAN - United States - El Macero

Today, my psycho grandma yelled at me for being an "immature brat" by not offering to wash the dishes after dinner. I reminded her that when I offered last time, she raged at me for being "condescending". She responded by faking a heart attack and getting me indefinitely grounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39283

You deserved it

3028

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By Anonymous

Lee Trevi-not

Today, I was practicing my golf swing on my front lawn. I took a swing and on the backstroke the golf club slipped out of my hands. Next thing I know, it hits a neighbor's window, shatters it, and goes right into their living room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

604

You deserved it

1351

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By ._. - United Kingdom - Letchworth

Today, my wife uttered the soul-crushing words, "But we're married now, why would we have sex?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

92566

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8820

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was emptying the cutlery section of the dishwasher when I reached down and accidentally got the tip of a steak knife wedged half-way under my fingernail. My mum yelled at me for getting blood on the clean dishes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35362

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3829

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By scared shitless - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job as a night janitor, at which I work alone, I saw an old man enter a bathroom. When I went to investigate, it was completely empty. I'm now scared to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59214

You deserved it

3815

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By wow - United States - Cape Coral

Today, my mother told me that I was "made" in the bathroom of the store I work at now. She even pointed out which stall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60863

You deserved it

5414

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By NextAmericanIdol? - United States - Bowie

Today, I had to put my little sister to bed. Usually my mom sings her a lullaby before she puts her to sleep, so I did too. After I finished the song, my sister looked me dead in the eyes and said, "This is why I tell people we aren't related." FML

I agree, your life sucks

50641

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5564

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By jojolovesyou134

Today, as I have been the past week, I've was sent to fix my coworker's fuck-ups in his new area, and help him out as I know it. I then needed help in his old area, and got told to suck it up and figure it out. I've been doing this a year, he's been doing it for 5 years FML

I agree, your life sucks

1463

You deserved it

257

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 02:04 - United States - White Plains

Bad day

Today, I woke up feeling like I was on top of the world, until I got to work and I was demoted. Then I ordered Uber Eats for lunch, the driver was late and gave me the wrong meal. The worst part was when I got home and was dumped by my girlfriend via text. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1232

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By stillwaiting - United States

Today, my mom called and told me I got accepted to my first-choice college. I got really excited and asked her to read me the letter. As she started to read it, she said, "Oops... uh, nevermind." FML

I agree, your life sucks

77077

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3112

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By Anonymous

Today, my housemate blew chunks all over the freshly-painted walls in the bathroom. The paint was still wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5030

You deserved it

356

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By lextoast - Rwanda

Today, I went on a fabulous date with a really cute, smart, funny guy. He only mentioned his dad, so when I asked about his mom, I asked if they were divorced. She'd died of breast cancer so I felt awful. Then I asked if his dad had ever remarried. His stepmom had died of cancer too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31675

You deserved it

2664

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By Carlyclose

Today, I got rejected from Sephora, Walgreens and Ulta for being OVER-qualified with a post-graduate diploma in cosmetic chemistry. Then, I got rejected from Estée Lauder, LVMH and Proctor and Gamble for being UNDER-qualified with a post-graduate diploma in cosmetic chemistry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5138

You deserved it

356

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By bestgirlfriend - United Kingdom - Stockton-on-tees

Today, my dad made me and my boyfriend break up. Not because he was a bad influence, but because I was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24047

You deserved it

7328

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By Anonymous

Drunk hookup ends with a… bang

Today, I woke myself up by farting in my sleep, only to realize that the guy I'd brought home from the bar was still next to me. He was awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1394

You deserved it

512

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By NestHead - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, my two parrots decided that my head was the best place to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46990

You deserved it

5849

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left my dog alone in the house for ten minutes while I took a shower. When I got out I found a mess of dust all over the floor and her ripping up a package that was supposed to be sent to my aunt. It contained my grandmother's ashes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50719

You deserved it

7879

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By dammed - United States

Today, I got a text from my roommate asking me if it was cool that my ex was coming over to console him because he's sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25925

You deserved it

2111

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By thanksmom - United States - Watertown

Today, my mother brought over some early Christmas presents for me and the kids. The kid's presents were fine, mine however consisted of many yard accessories, including solar lights. I live in an apartment building with no yard. Her response? "Buy a potted plant and shove them in there." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28959

You deserved it

2619

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By quarantine15 - 28/4/2020 14:00

Oh, so sexy

Today, I tried to be sexy and asked my husband of 6 years if he wanted to "put a baby in me." He shook the recent belly fat I gained and asked, "Is there room for a baby in there?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

2060

You deserved it

598

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Top comments

By pulse18 | 2

#2508833 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:15

whoa! I'm taking a dump right now too! 

By spaz617 | 0

#2508836 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:15

Someone needs more fiber in their diet...

COMMENTS

By lickerassholes | 0

#2508751 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:08

Shit

raNDMGUy | 5

#2508853 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:15

SCRUBS!

iBanana | 17

#2508867 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:17

Are you sure you weren't pregnant? Check the toilet!

iAmScrubs | 19

#2508938 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:26

I AM scrubs

Big_Red_138 | 3

#2509241 - Saturday 14 May 2011 17:05

Check the poo....I just got shot!!! Check the poo!

By noonehere88 | 0

#2508761 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:08

how embarrassing.

TheWindowLicker | 13

#2508960 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:27

I wouldn't say it's too embarrassing.... only because no one else saw.

bamxitsxandreaa | 8

#2509444 - Saturday 14 May 2011 17:44

hahaha ^ I like your picture..it's cute xD.

HeavyMetalViking | 0

#2509894 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:25

I shudder to think what would happen if OP had to give birth.

Takador | 3

#2510029 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:43

I don't get it, if OP was sitting, how did he/she end up on the floor?

Justforlolz | 14

#2510097 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:48

73- *facepalm*

iSitt | 0

#2510340 - Saturday 14 May 2011 20:18

facefloor!

btnhdude | 0

#2510850 - Saturday 14 May 2011 21:59

shitfaced!

imthatguythatdid | 0

#2511921 - Sunday 15 May 2011 1:00

lol 89

LOL0LOL | 1

#2512954 - Sunday 15 May 2011 7:14

well..... did the shit come out?

SeaMen | 3

#2515190 - Sunday 15 May 2011 20:41

shot happens bro

Alpha35 | 4

#2517279 - Monday 16 May 2011 6:54

LMFAO HAHAHAAA HIS MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD HAHHAA

thismeanswar | 1

#2531870 - Thursday 19 May 2011 5:05

It's actually not that bad and more common than you may think. I talked to one ER doctor who said that's how most people that he sees have fainted.

By ImInABox | 6

#2508763 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:08

Did you wake up in a pile of shit?

The_Weirdo | 10

#2509547 - Saturday 14 May 2011 18:01

I did.

Doomire | 0

#2510431 - Saturday 14 May 2011 20:28

people can die from this

XZeenon | 1

#2510484 - Saturday 14 May 2011 20:35

Everybody walk the dinosaur!

TriflingAllDay | 6

#4631520 - Saturday 30 June 2012 1:41

But what you didnt know is that you were one step away fron reaching supersaiyen.

By instnt1nfction | 17

#2508813 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:13

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

forgettingsunday | 0

#2509868 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:18

anorexia isn't funny, especially since I suffered from it. fuckwad.

Gknd | 0

#2509906 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:27

lol'd pretty hard at that

By iAmScrubs | 19

#2508827 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:14

You should have just got someone to tickle your nose with a feather duster.

eltapatio16 | 5

#2508861 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:17

blazers suck.

ajkeneth | 7

#6292834 - Sunday 17 May 2015 2:35

glad I'm not the only one!

By pulse18 | 2

#2508833 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:15

whoa! I'm taking a dump right now too! 

jamjelly386 | 5

#2510763 - Saturday 14 May 2011 21:36

me too!

Minikriz | 0

#2511489 - Saturday 14 May 2011 22:55

haha me three :3

deaper | 15

#2512400 - Sunday 15 May 2011 3:34

Me four! 

fireflames113 | 6

#2512618 - Sunday 15 May 2011 5:05

I am not

abdali | 0

#2513590 - Sunday 15 May 2011 11:07

oh i did that all the time

Focnr | 0

#2514833 - Sunday 15 May 2011 18:52

me four

kittykat1497 | 7

#2525322 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 0:00

and there goes 4 people's attempts to be funny by stealing someone else's joke

zachary0005 | 4

#2527064 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 4:35

agreed

venom2421 | 10

#2559245 - Wednesday 25 May 2011 0:02

me six

glutgyoogle | 6

#2969583 - Monday 25 July 2011 6:02

Me 156!

I win.

maebelline12 | 12

#5977139 - Monday 16 June 2014 6:30

^ 155 actually.

You lose.

By spaz617 | 0

#2508836 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:15

Someone needs more fiber in their diet...

fAiRyMaN3 | 0

#2509684 - Saturday 14 May 2011 18:33

me too thats when I go on FML

KkoolAid | 0

#2509809 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:05

Okaaaaay then...

Justforlolz | 14

#2510181 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:58

I looked at your comment and thought: "Really?" Then it dawned on me what I was doing... :-/

richarosky | 0

#2510347 - Saturday 14 May 2011 20:19

every reads FML while taking a dump

california283 | 6

#2515049 - Sunday 15 May 2011 20:00

I hope no one wipes while holding their phone

By amerwin | 3

#2508851 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:15

At least you passed out before you blew out your rectum. Next time, grab a good book or a magazine and let gravity take care of the rest.

By ilovepoppa | 0

#2508872 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:18

that's kinda disgusting. :/ I think you should try constipation medicine?

By janier234 | 0

#2508877 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:18

lol hopefully it was at home. not for your health but for your dignity. jk