Today, I was taking a dump and I pushed so hard that I got light...

By BrownDump - 14/5/2011 10:43 - United States

Today, I was taking a dump and I pushed so hard that I got light headed and passed out on the floor. FML

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Health

Family values

Fake News

Stubborn

By shorty - 11/4/2011 17:36 - United States

Today, I found out that if I were 2 inches shorter, I would have to sit in a booster seat in the car. I'm about to turn 22. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 19:40 - United States

Today, my dads cremated remains came in the mail. This is the first time, in my entire adult life, that he has visited me at my home. FML

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By charpanda007 - 15/2/2009 13:56 - Hong Kong

Today, I accompanied some friends to sign up for a gym. When we got there, the guy handed me a form, too. I said, "Oh, I'm not signing up." He replied, "Out of all of you, you need it the most." He then said he was also a nutritionist, and offered a consultation. FML

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By SadSister:( - 11/1/2015 00:15 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my 4-year-old sister and our puppy. Suddenly, she blurted out from the backseat, "I don't love you anymore." Shocked, I asked her to repeat herself. She looked me straight in the eye and said, "The puppy doesn't love you either." FML

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By souped - 10/12/2009 05:41 - United States

Today, I really wanted something to drink. I looked in the fridge, and found some of my grandma's soy milk. I decide to take a swig, and instead of tasting soy, I tasted rotten chicken. Turns out my grandma knew I drink her soy milk and decided to swap it with expired chicken broth. FML

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By carla - 13/1/2009 01:35 - France

Odorama

Today, as I came out of some changing rooms in a clothes shop, I gave back all the stuff I'd tried on to a saleswoman. I then walk off, make it about a couple of yards, change my mind and decide to purchase one of the items I'd tried. When I get back, the saleswoman was spraying the changing room I'd used with deodorant. FML

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By nilssonfan - 17/11/2010 08:08 - United States

Today, I bought one of my favorite albums from when I was growing up. When I looked at the liner notes, I learned that my favorite song on the album wasn't about taking a bath, but about going to a brothel. My second-favorite isn't about moving, but about suicide. My childhood just shattered. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2009 14:45 - Norway

Today, my 3 year old kid wanted to do something nice. I told him he could pick up some of his toys. He washed my new Iphone instead. FML

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By Foreveralone - 22/7/2016 08:54 - United States - Hartford

Today, I was told I'm not invited to my best friend's birthday party. Apparently, being divorced and childless doesn't "mesh" well with the rest of the group. My parents are still watching her kids so she can go away for the weekend. FML

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By sprained neck - 24/11/2015 05:49

Today, I had whiplash after my dad and I were rear ended by a suburban. Despite the state trooper saying I should go, my dad delayed taking me to the ER because he wanted to pick up the dog from "doggy daycare" and take her for a nice long walk, while I waited for my mom to come home. FML

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By nopenopenopenope - 23/9/2016 03:28 - United States - Winston Salem

Today, I tried to have a relaxing soak in the tub. The giant wolf spider that was already in the tub didn't like me trying to set it free outside. It ran right across my feet and back into my house when I dumped it out of a cup outside. I screamed like a little girl. FML

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By Angie - 12/9/2015 21:34 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me and filmed it, because it would "be a big hit on YouTube." FML

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By yuen - 16/6/2009 14:59 - Australia

Today, I went to take a shit and found my boss shaving in the toilet. While in the cubicle, he asked me about my work and the conversation lasted 15 mins. I stayed in there even though I finished shitting after 5 mins, during which 3 people heard my progress report while shitting next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2018 17:35

Today, my best friend and my ex-boyfriend went on a business trip, got drunk, and ended up sleeping together. Now they want to start dating. FML

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By fmlguy382 - 22/6/2011 08:13 - United States

Today, I was complimented on how big my penis was. I was complimented by the guy peeing next to me in the men's restroom at McDonald's. FML

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By sharkboy - 11/6/2012 02:33 - United States - Honolulu

Today, while at the beach, as a joke, I told my girlfriend that I was a shark. She then poked my eyes and punched me in the nose. When I started to get mad, she just shrugged and asked, "What? You're the one that wanted to be a shark. Don't you watch Shark Week?" FML

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By ohsosad - 23/11/2010 06:25 - United States

Today, I was asked out by a guy who is doing community service because he was caught peeping through windows. I was tempted to say yes. FML

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By Al - 10/3/2010 02:07 - United States

Today, while attempting a DIY pest removal, one of our tenants lit a skunk on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2013 19:05 - United States - New York

Today, my boss's obese bully of a grandson had a seizure. Being the only physician around, I had to rush in to tend to him. Except it wasn't a seizure as such. My daughter had found my taser and used it on him. FML

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By Zoe Avila - 9/8/2011 22:55 - United States

Today, a downstairs neighbor of mine claimed money from me because apparently my dog took a dump on the fire escape, and the poop fell through the grates and on her groceries. I don't have a dog, but I paid the money anyway, because I was too ashamed to tell her it was my husband. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2009 09:38 - United States

Today, I drove six hours with a friend to see one of her favorite bands in concert. We were turned away at the door because the online site didn't say we had to be 21 to enter. I drove six hours back with nothing to show for it but an empty gas tank and useless tickets. FML

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By sisisathief - 28/5/2017 08:00 - United States - Concord

Today, I caught my sister taking money from my wallet. When I confronted her, she claimed that she was actually putting back money that she had stolen earlier. She doesn't understand the irony. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 02:37 - United States

Today, I was applying for a job at a corporate office. Everything went fine until I hurled all over the manager, who until then seemed to like me. Never eat expired canned tuna on the same day as an interview. FML

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By SF49 - 16/1/2013 18:26 - United States

Dingdong

Today, my girlfriend came back from visiting her family. She'd forgotten to take her pills, and decided to "catch up" by taking almost a week's worth of birth control and prescription pills. She's fine, but I had to convince the ER staff that she's not suicidal, just stupid. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2009 00:05 - Canada

Today, I was walking into my living room when I slipped over the carpet, bashed my head on my glass table, and was moaning in pain on the floor. My parents came running when they heard my head bang... straight to the table to see if there were any scratches on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2009 07:35

Today, I gave my boyfriend a spontaneous blowjob while we were watching TV. After he finished, I tried to pull a sexy move I'd seen in a porno by zipping his pants back up with my teeth. His foreskin got caught in the zipper and we spent the next few hours in the emergency room. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2015 12:28 - United Kingdom - Dundee

Today, it was my 18th birthday and I was told I couldn't get the night off work because a party of 34 had booked into the restaurant. It turned out my family had come in to 'celebrate' by making me wait on them. They were a nightmare, thought it was hilarious to be difficult, and didn't tip. FML

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By kinky pinky - 2/9/2020 05:02 - United States

Lowkey

Today, my husband threw a fit because I dyed my hair bright magenta. Funny, I actually dyed it three days ago. He literally just noticed. Shows how much attention he pays me. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2019 04:00 - United States

Red Sox Nation

Today, my girlfriend called saying that she wanted to break up because she wasn't into me anymore. Yesterday, I paid $400 to take her to a Red Sox game, so I asked her why she even came with me. She said that she had been talking to her ex-boyfriend, and he said he was going to that game too. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2010 20:30 - United States

Today, while taking a shower, a spider fell from the ceiling onto my foot. I took down my shower head to wash it down the drain, and in the process, got soap in my eye and rammed my head into the wall. FML

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By BigmouthStrikesAgain - 19/8/2011 00:18 - United Kingdom

Today, after a tennis lesson, the coach was picking up the stray tennis balls around the court. Trying to be helpful, I asked him, "Do you want me to grab your ball bag?" His eyeballs almost burst out of their sockets. FML

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By Bad at life - 18/10/2018 13:30

Today, I pulled a muscle in my face. Chewing gum. For the second time. FML

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By farts - 22/11/2018 17:30

Today, my brother who routinely marred my life by stealing from me, fighting me, and isolating me from my own family, made his hollow AA apology to me so he'll feel better. My parents employ him, bought his car and house, and pay his insurance. I've been in poverty. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2013 14:41 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after two weeks of not having sex, my pregnant girlfriend and I finally fooled around. This was immediately followed by her bursting into tears and begging me to make her a ham steak. FML

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By aproudmom - 16/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Glen Head

Nerf bullets

Today, after work I came home to find my sons trying to use my tampons as nerf bullets. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2013 01:04 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my boss put me on suspension for violating company policy by having non-work related mail in my inbox. They were spam emails. FML

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By Benji - 20/5/2009 19:53 - United Kingdom

Today, I was watching TV with a cup of coffee. My mum asked if I wanted a Mars bar. I said that would be great and she threw one at me, catching me off guard. The Mars bar went straight into my coffee, spilling it over my bare legs. I now have a scald mark on my penis. FML

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By bgierczak2 - 31/8/2015 04:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my wallet was stolen from my purse at work. When I asked my boss to pull the security tape so we could identify the thief, he said, "I don't think I want to know who it is." FML

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By crazygirl12 - 29/7/2011 15:18 - United States

Today, while working at Kohl's this woman came up to me and asked if I was Native American, I said yes, she then says "Oh! I thought you guys went extinct." This is the country I live in. FML

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By ooops - 4/8/2012 16:06 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I went to have dinner with my girlfriend and her family. It got silent, so, noticing her legs were darker than they were a few hours ago, I wanted to ask her if she used tanning lotion. I ended up asking her if her legs were fake. Her dad has prosthetic legs. FML

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Top comments

By pulse18 | 2

#2508833 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:15

whoa! I'm taking a dump right now too! 

By spaz617 | 0

#2508836 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:15

Someone needs more fiber in their diet...

COMMENTS

By lickerassholes | 0

#2508751 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:08

Shit

raNDMGUy | 5

#2508853 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:15

SCRUBS!

iBanana | 17

#2508867 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:17

Are you sure you weren't pregnant? Check the toilet!

iAmScrubs | 19

#2508938 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:26

I AM scrubs

Big_Red_138 | 3

#2509241 - Saturday 14 May 2011 17:05

Check the poo....I just got shot!!! Check the poo!

By noonehere88 | 0

#2508761 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:08

how embarrassing.

TheWindowLicker | 13

#2508960 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:27

I wouldn't say it's too embarrassing.... only because no one else saw.

bamxitsxandreaa | 8

#2509444 - Saturday 14 May 2011 17:44

hahaha ^ I like your picture..it's cute xD.

HeavyMetalViking | 0

#2509894 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:25

I shudder to think what would happen if OP had to give birth.

Takador | 3

#2510029 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:43

I don't get it, if OP was sitting, how did he/she end up on the floor?

Justforlolz | 14

#2510097 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:48

73- *facepalm*

iSitt | 0

#2510340 - Saturday 14 May 2011 20:18

facefloor!

btnhdude | 0

#2510850 - Saturday 14 May 2011 21:59

shitfaced!

imthatguythatdid | 0

#2511921 - Sunday 15 May 2011 1:00

lol 89

LOL0LOL | 1

#2512954 - Sunday 15 May 2011 7:14

well..... did the shit come out?

SeaMen | 3

#2515190 - Sunday 15 May 2011 20:41

shot happens bro

Alpha35 | 4

#2517279 - Monday 16 May 2011 6:54

LMFAO HAHAHAAA HIS MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD HAHHAA

thismeanswar | 1

#2531870 - Thursday 19 May 2011 5:05

It's actually not that bad and more common than you may think. I talked to one ER doctor who said that's how most people that he sees have fainted.

By ImInABox | 6

#2508763 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:08

Did you wake up in a pile of shit?

The_Weirdo | 10

#2509547 - Saturday 14 May 2011 18:01

I did.

Doomire | 0

#2510431 - Saturday 14 May 2011 20:28

people can die from this

XZeenon | 1

#2510484 - Saturday 14 May 2011 20:35

Everybody walk the dinosaur!

TriflingAllDay | 6

#4631520 - Saturday 30 June 2012 1:41

But what you didnt know is that you were one step away fron reaching supersaiyen.

By instnt1nfction | 17

#2508813 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:13

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

forgettingsunday | 0

#2509868 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:18

anorexia isn't funny, especially since I suffered from it. fuckwad.

Gknd | 0

#2509906 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:27

lol'd pretty hard at that

By iAmScrubs | 19

#2508827 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:14

You should have just got someone to tickle your nose with a feather duster.

eltapatio16 | 5

#2508861 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:17

blazers suck.

ajkeneth | 7

#6292834 - Sunday 17 May 2015 2:35

glad I'm not the only one!

By pulse18 | 2

#2508833 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:15

whoa! I'm taking a dump right now too! 

jamjelly386 | 5

#2510763 - Saturday 14 May 2011 21:36

me too!

Minikriz | 0

#2511489 - Saturday 14 May 2011 22:55

haha me three :3

deaper | 15

#2512400 - Sunday 15 May 2011 3:34

Me four! 

fireflames113 | 6

#2512618 - Sunday 15 May 2011 5:05

I am not

abdali | 0

#2513590 - Sunday 15 May 2011 11:07

oh i did that all the time

Focnr | 0

#2514833 - Sunday 15 May 2011 18:52

me four

kittykat1497 | 7

#2525322 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 0:00

and there goes 4 people's attempts to be funny by stealing someone else's joke

zachary0005 | 4

#2527064 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 4:35

agreed

venom2421 | 10

#2559245 - Wednesday 25 May 2011 0:02

me six

glutgyoogle | 6

#2969583 - Monday 25 July 2011 6:02

Me 156!

I win.

maebelline12 | 12

#5977139 - Monday 16 June 2014 6:30

^ 155 actually.

You lose.

By spaz617 | 0

#2508836 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:15

Someone needs more fiber in their diet...

fAiRyMaN3 | 0

#2509684 - Saturday 14 May 2011 18:33

me too thats when I go on FML

KkoolAid | 0

#2509809 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:05

Okaaaaay then...

Justforlolz | 14

#2510181 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:58

I looked at your comment and thought: "Really?" Then it dawned on me what I was doing... :-/

richarosky | 0

#2510347 - Saturday 14 May 2011 20:19

every reads FML while taking a dump

california283 | 6

#2515049 - Sunday 15 May 2011 20:00

I hope no one wipes while holding their phone

By amerwin | 3

#2508851 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:15

At least you passed out before you blew out your rectum. Next time, grab a good book or a magazine and let gravity take care of the rest.

By ilovepoppa | 0

#2508872 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:18

that's kinda disgusting. :/ I think you should try constipation medicine?

By janier234 | 0

#2508877 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:18

lol hopefully it was at home. not for your health but for your dignity. jk