Health: Today, I was taking a dump and I pushed so hard that I got light...

By BrownDump - United States

Today, I was taking a dump and I pushed so hard that I got light headed and passed out on the floor. FML

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41246

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Health

Our house, in the middle of our street

Triage

The X Factor

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I am wearing a panda suit for the promotion of the restaurant I work at. FML

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58228

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By fml - Canada

Today, my dad screamed at me, called me a monster, told me he wanted me to move out, and that I better start looking for an apartment. Why? I slammed the microwave door. FML

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40901

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By xoxoblondee - United States - Valley Village

Today, I learned the hard way why no matter how constipated you are, it is never a good idea to use a suppository when you are tired. FML

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5207

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1147

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By dynah114 - Israel - Petah Tiqva

Today, at my cousin's birthday party, my grandma took me to one side, slipped me a pad, and started ranting that tampons "steal your virginity" and that I should never use them. Well, okay then. FML

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32242

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my little sister thought it would be funny to send my girlfriend a text saying I cheated on her and wanted to break up. Her response was "lol whatever I've been fucking Steve for like a month anyway". Steve is my brother, and he won't admit or deny it. FML

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29622

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By BurnedDown - United Kingdom - Bridlington

Today, I wanted to spice things up in the bedroom with my husband, so I set up some Halloween torches to create a wild ambiance. Unfortunately our dickhead neighbours saw the glow, didn't remember that fire tends to give off smoke, and called the fire department on us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39367

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By ohcollege - United States

Today, the rain was pouring really hard outside. I found this out when it started raining on me at 4 am inside my dorm room. Thanks college. FML

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28270

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By justcomesnaturally - United States - Danby

Today, I realized that I'm a terrible human being. For the first time in my life, I gave some change to a homeless guy, but only so he'd get out of my face long enough for me to watch two other bums beating the crap out of each other over a sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7434

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34522

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By Ashes to ashes - 16/10/2020 05:01

Oh, hi grandma!

Today, I woke up to what seemed like dirt on my face. Not dirt. It was cremated remains. My memory charm had broken open in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1103

You deserved it

296

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By Anonymous

Today, I saw a guy at a bar that looked cute. I didn't dare talk to him, though. When I was on my way home, drunkenly singing the entire way, I finally noticed he was walking along behind me. Probably for about 15 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1321

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475

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By JT. - Luxembourg

You tried

Today, after my sister's wedding, a bunch of people were dancing. I noticed my grandma sitting alone and looking sad. My grandpa died last month, so feeling bad for her, I asked if she'd like to dance with me. She seemed a lot happier, until I accidentally caused her to fall and break her arm. FML

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28845

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By Traffickills - United States - Hyattsville

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend, we were stuck behind a 7-car accident for 2 hours in the car. FML

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19382

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By anonymous - United States - Noblesville

Today, after getting into bed, I found a used condom under my covers. I asked my roommate about it. She freely admitted that since my bed was comfier than hers, she had sex with her boyfriend on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43936

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By My mother-in-law is a Covidiot - 20/4/2021 20:00

These people never learn

Today, I'm at my mother-in-law's funeral, who died of Covid-19. Months before catching the virus, she would claim that, "the entire Covid thang is bullshit" and "people are just behaving like f****ts over a simple flu." FML

I agree, your life sucks

880

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160

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By Malíya - United States - Perth Amboy

Today, while riding the subway a homeless man got on asking for money. I went to give him a dollar but he refused because I was "of the Asian persuasion." FML

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29256

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I realized that my dog is an evil genius. As I sat down to have a snack, he barked as if he saw someone outside. I went to check it out, but nobody was there. When I returned, I found my dog on the table finishing off my bacon sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47906

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By SucksToBeMe - United States

Today, I had a meeting with the CEO about a promising job with good pay and benefits. Upon meeting, we immediately recognized each other. He was someone I used to make fun of in school all the time. He responded by refusing to interview me and had security throw me out by force. Karma bites. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10492

You deserved it

117966

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By pinkrazorsare4men

Today, whilst taking a shower, I noticed my razor wasn't in its usual spot. Upon inspecting it closer, I noticed that there were tiny white hairs in it. When confronting my father about it, he claimed the "pink razors" are his. We've been sharing the same razor this entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9795

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860

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By dBLIZZARD - United States

Today, my dog ran away. I looked for him for 5 hours, and when I came back home, he was waiting for me at the door. FML

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28920

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3996

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By knews - United States

Today, my mom sent me beautiful candlesticks along with some half burned candles. I thanked her. She told me the candlesticks were a wedding gift to my grandmother 85 years ago. Then she said the candles were used at my grandma's wedding. I had already lit them. FML

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26335

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By blah. - Thailand

Today, my shrink diagnosed me as severely depressive, due to a lot of stress and yells at home. After the session, my parents argued about whose fault it was and then went on to yell at me for being depressive and wasting their money. FML

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45865

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By horny21 - Canada

Today, I was laying on the bed, naked, waiting for my boyfriend to come home since we haven't had sex in almost a month. Hearing him come in, I struck my sexiest pose. He walked into our room and tossed his backpack at me. Not only did we not have sex, his backpack gave me a black eye. FML

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26361

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4007

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By Carrie - United States

Today, I was on a date with a guy I met online. After 30 minutes, he abruptly stands up and says he has to leave. He practically ran out of Starbucks to get away from me. FML

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27153

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By FastFoodWaiter - United States - Saukville

Today, a woman came up to me at work and screamed at me for "taking forever" to come and wait at her table. I work at Wendy's. FML

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28239

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2021 14:00

Thanks for the help

Today, both my mom and I are very ill, while her boyfriend is perfectly fine. Somehow, this means that I’m the one having to take care of my mom, myself, the household and 6 pets, while he does nothing, goes on trips and leaves dirt all over the house when he’s here. FML

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884

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101

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By catattack78 - United States

Today, I was walking down my very steep basement stairs when I fell and rolled all the way down but luckily I didn't hurt anything. While walking back up around the very last stair, my cat jumped out on me, causing me to roll all the way back down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30235

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By Foolish - United States - Los Altos

Today, I decided to give my boyfriend one last chance at fixing our failing relationship. Instead of talking about how to fix our dying relationship, he decided to game all day and ignore me. FML

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12179

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By rejected4ever - United States

Today, for Valentine's Day, my boyfriend gave me the half-eaten chocolate bar that I left in his fridge two weeks ago. FML

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28488

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By anonmys - United States

Today, I was riding the train and saw a cute guy licking his lips at me. Flattered, I gave him my number when the train stopped. He looked at me and said, "Don't flatter yourself. You have mustard on your face." FML

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33381

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By Anonymous - United States - Sharon

Today, I was walking home from a horrible day at work, when some idiot emptied a trashcan on my head from his apartment balcony. He cried "Oh shit!" and apologized because I wasn't his intended target. FML

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50621

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I almost lost my virginity at the age of 34. After years of putting off sex and waiting for marriage, the moment arrived. My new wife could't stop laughing at how small I am. FML

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75890

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By AnonymousAmber - United States - Yadkinville

Today, my best friend told me that she was a virgin again because she hadn't had sex in 6 months. She's 19 and actually believes it. FML

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34068

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2847

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By Just_do_it_17 - United States

Today, after being out of the closet for over three years, I learned that some of my friends still don't believe me that I am really a lesbian. They still think I made the whole thing up because I can't get a man. FML

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40913

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By Enrique - United States

Today, I work at McDonalds. I burned my hand while cleaning their grill and have a 2nd/3rd degree burn from my pinky to my wrist. When told about this, my manager told me that there was "nothing that they could do for me and to tough it out". However I was given a free McFlurry. FML

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33904

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By Noname - Canada

Today, my house got egged and since it is the winter the eggs froze. They used two dozen eggs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24320

You deserved it

2169

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By KHAAAAA-RMA!! - United States

Today, I found a bird that had fallen from its nest, so I made a new nest for it in a shoebox and put it as close to the old one as possible. When I checked back on it later, all I found was a chewed-up corpse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40772

You deserved it

6176

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By badmom - United States

Today, I was packing my son's lunch and we ran out of water bottles. I asked my 16 years old to run to the store. She didnt want to but gave me one she had. After dropping my son off, my daughter frantically told me she made a mistake. I sent my second grader to school with a bottle of vodka. FML

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90086

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By ilovemybrother - United States

Today, I got on my computer and saw my little brother had left his myspace page up with a message between him and his friend. They were talking about a plan to basically humiliate me in any way possible. It was called "Operation: Fat Cow." FML

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35955

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By SoulStormIV - United States - Castle Rock

Today, I thought it would be nice to take my obese dog for a walk, since she hasn't had one in a long time. She was doing great, until we were about a mile from our house. She plopped down on the ground and wouldn't move. Nobody was home so I had to carry her all the way back to our house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10794

You deserved it

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By Sick - Canada

Today, I stayed home, sick in bed. I had been sleeping on my arms. I got up quickly to grab the phone. My numb left arm rocketed and punched me in the (now cut) lip, which threw me off balance, making me smash my (now bloody) nose off of the headboard. It was a telemarketer. FML

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54574

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Top comments

By pulse18 | 2

#2508833 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:15

whoa! I'm taking a dump right now too! 

By spaz617 | 0

#2508836 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:15

Someone needs more fiber in their diet...

COMMENTS

By lickerassholes | 0

#2508751 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:08

Shit

raNDMGUy | 5

#2508853 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:15

SCRUBS!

iBanana | 17

#2508867 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:17

Are you sure you weren't pregnant? Check the toilet!

iAmScrubs | 19

#2508938 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:26

I AM scrubs

Big_Red_138 | 3

#2509241 - Saturday 14 May 2011 17:05

Check the poo....I just got shot!!! Check the poo!

By noonehere88 | 0

#2508761 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:08

how embarrassing.

TheWindowLicker | 13

#2508960 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:27

I wouldn't say it's too embarrassing.... only because no one else saw.

bamxitsxandreaa | 8

#2509444 - Saturday 14 May 2011 17:44

hahaha ^ I like your picture..it's cute xD.

HeavyMetalViking | 0

#2509894 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:25

I shudder to think what would happen if OP had to give birth.

Takador | 3

#2510029 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:43

I don't get it, if OP was sitting, how did he/she end up on the floor?

Justforlolz | 14

#2510097 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:48

73- *facepalm*

iSitt | 0

#2510340 - Saturday 14 May 2011 20:18

facefloor!

btnhdude | 0

#2510850 - Saturday 14 May 2011 21:59

shitfaced!

imthatguythatdid | 0

#2511921 - Sunday 15 May 2011 1:00

lol 89

LOL0LOL | 1

#2512954 - Sunday 15 May 2011 7:14

well..... did the shit come out?

SeaMen | 3

#2515190 - Sunday 15 May 2011 20:41

shot happens bro

Alpha35 | 4

#2517279 - Monday 16 May 2011 6:54

LMFAO HAHAHAAA HIS MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD HAHHAA

thismeanswar | 1

#2531870 - Thursday 19 May 2011 5:05

It's actually not that bad and more common than you may think. I talked to one ER doctor who said that's how most people that he sees have fainted.

By ImInABox | 6

#2508763 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:08

Did you wake up in a pile of shit?

The_Weirdo | 10

#2509547 - Saturday 14 May 2011 18:01

I did.

Doomire | 0

#2510431 - Saturday 14 May 2011 20:28

people can die from this

XZeenon | 1

#2510484 - Saturday 14 May 2011 20:35

Everybody walk the dinosaur!

TriflingAllDay | 6

#4631520 - Saturday 30 June 2012 1:41

But what you didnt know is that you were one step away fron reaching supersaiyen.

By instnt1nfction | 17

#2508813 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:13

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

forgettingsunday | 0

#2509868 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:18

anorexia isn't funny, especially since I suffered from it. fuckwad.

Gknd | 0

#2509906 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:27

lol'd pretty hard at that

By iAmScrubs | 19

#2508827 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:14

You should have just got someone to tickle your nose with a feather duster.

eltapatio16 | 5

#2508861 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:17

blazers suck.

ajkeneth | 7

#6292834 - Sunday 17 May 2015 2:35

glad I'm not the only one!

By pulse18 | 2

#2508833 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:15

whoa! I'm taking a dump right now too! 

jamjelly386 | 5

#2510763 - Saturday 14 May 2011 21:36

me too!

Minikriz | 0

#2511489 - Saturday 14 May 2011 22:55

haha me three :3

deaper | 15

#2512400 - Sunday 15 May 2011 3:34

Me four! 

fireflames113 | 6

#2512618 - Sunday 15 May 2011 5:05

I am not

abdali | 0

#2513590 - Sunday 15 May 2011 11:07

oh i did that all the time

Focnr | 0

#2514833 - Sunday 15 May 2011 18:52

me four

kittykat1497 | 7

#2525322 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 0:00

and there goes 4 people's attempts to be funny by stealing someone else's joke

zachary0005 | 4

#2527064 - Wednesday 18 May 2011 4:35

agreed

venom2421 | 10

#2559245 - Wednesday 25 May 2011 0:02

me six

glutgyoogle | 6

#2969583 - Monday 25 July 2011 6:02

Me 156!

I win.

maebelline12 | 12

#5977139 - Monday 16 June 2014 6:30

^ 155 actually.

You lose.

By spaz617 | 0

#2508836 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:15

Someone needs more fiber in their diet...

fAiRyMaN3 | 0

#2509684 - Saturday 14 May 2011 18:33

me too thats when I go on FML

KkoolAid | 0

#2509809 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:05

Okaaaaay then...

Justforlolz | 14

#2510181 - Saturday 14 May 2011 19:58

I looked at your comment and thought: "Really?" Then it dawned on me what I was doing... :-/

richarosky | 0

#2510347 - Saturday 14 May 2011 20:19

every reads FML while taking a dump

california283 | 6

#2515049 - Sunday 15 May 2011 20:00

I hope no one wipes while holding their phone

By amerwin | 3

#2508851 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:15

At least you passed out before you blew out your rectum. Next time, grab a good book or a magazine and let gravity take care of the rest.

By ilovepoppa | 0

#2508872 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:18

that's kinda disgusting. :/ I think you should try constipation medicine?

By janier234 | 0

#2508877 - Saturday 14 May 2011 16:18

lol hopefully it was at home. not for your health but for your dignity. jk