By Dontwaketheneighbors - 06/12/2012 14:24 - United States - Santee

Spicy
Today, I found out my new girlfriend is a screamer. This would normally turn me on, except she sounds like she's being murdered with a rusty fork. FML
I agree, your life sucks 40 617
You deserved it 4 550

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Top comments

I can't help but wonder if she was in pain...

That means you are doing a great job or you are doing it all wrong

Comments

1- No, no, no. Bad commenter, bad! No soup for you! ;( Seriously though, simply saying First to gleefully brag you were the first to make a comment on a particular post, is idiotic: We can See you comment is first, pointing this out is like pretending to lick a running chainsaw and intelligently stating, "Ouchie!" ;p Here's a real unique and shocking idea: SAY SOMETHING WORTH READING! Please! Something, anything, I don't care what as long as it isn't as obvious as a kick in the genitals! Otherwise people will hate you, and burial of thumbs down you receive, will be epic. :p Just a tip for your brief future here on FML.

This comment is just as bad as saying "lol".

Is a rusty fork worse to be murdered with than a nice new stainless steel fork?

Well does your junk resemble a rusty fork?

One could get it tattooed to look like that

Screamers are the fucking best

It double commented for some reason ...

not when they sound like they're being murdered by a rusty fork!

I lost it at rusty fork. I mean of all the things you can get murdered with...

Rusty fork won't be that sharp, so you'll have to do few extra stabs.

Op, my only advice is no more fork-play in the bedroom

This made me think of salad fingers.

Okay so im not the only one! :P

Something tells me you don't actually know that..

28 - I don't think anybody who would refer to themself as 'one' would tattoo their genitalia to resemble a poorly maintained gardening implement.

#162- I eat with forks. Are you gardening with yours?

I can't help but wonder if she was in pain...

Let's be honest, there are some things that are great to watch on porn, but I'd never let near my little girl.

I see what you mean, watching someone getting stabbed with a rusty fork would be to graphic for the little ones.

11- If by "my little girl" you are referring to your womanly parts, I can understand the morbid curiosity of risk free, creative pornographic ideas. There's some things out there that are about as crazy looking as kicking a Vulcan in the nuts during Pom-Far, but I'd like to see what happens anyways. (For the Trekker in you, sorry!) ;) If however you mean an actual female child, then there's a Lot I'd keep away from her in relation to porn. Like....all of it. ;p Ick. Call me crazy, but I'm going to assume the former here......

I would never refer to "it" as "My little girl" on the internet. Sounds too weird.

I was trying not to sound crude, but actually sounded worse! Lol sorry folks! yes, I meant nothing large in my punani.

Or, you could just be an adult and use the real word for it: vagina. Jesus Christ, WHY do adult women still insist on using stupid and childish terms for normal body parts? Grow up, you're not 7 anymore.

Great thread. Lmao. Wow. Calm down 67. Sheesh.

Funny how your profile says you're easy to get along with. If I have my period, I will call it my vagina. If i'm having sex, its my pussy. If I'm talking about you, its a cunt. Too far? Nah.

67- I'd rather say vajazz, panooch, vajayjay, ladybits, vag (pronounced like vadge), and whatever else comes off the top of my head because vagina just sounds so boring. But here, I'll use it in a sentence to make you happy: "Quit being such a damned vagina." There, I used the grown-up word for you. All better?

Oh 76- Bless it. Let's be friends. Your comment has made my day.

77~ I'm down. Great minds, and all that!

I don't know why 67 is getting thumbed down. I agree that it is a bit silly to be afraid/embarassed to use an anatomically correct term.

67- Says the person with a childish profile picture... Just pointing that out

81- I'm not afraid or embarrassed to say vagina. I just like to keep things spicy.

Oops sorry #80 I misunderstood your first reply, my bad. But I'm sure a rusty fork is still to graphic.

I find women's shame of this subject so funny. Over here in Ireland though they have a different word or two "my Mary" or "my fanny" I'm a fan of neither.

34: Idk call me weird but this has always surprised me in people... We are fine with ourselves watching porn and it's generally regarded as hot when we watch with our partner but as soon as it comes to your kids it's wrong. Its as if porn is fine for everyone in the world as long is it isn't my kid. I'm not saying porn is good in total and there are definitely some things I would say do not teach the right thing as many objectify women etc but why have a rule for everyone and then another for your kids. They are gonna watch it, it's practically guaranteed. As long as its moderated.

By kids, they mean YOUNG CHILDREN. Not adult or even teenage children. Hence the term being used: little girl.

34 - I think you mean pon-farr.

Once again... By little girl I meant my vagina... Not an actual child. Wow people lol

138- Exactly. :) 131- idk, maybe I will call you weird a bit in my head here, but Yes, I do hold a double standard when it comes to porn, and Children: Porn for me as an Adult, is a personal choice. My child is 5. I don't want him into porn quite yet. :p Also, Challan's profile says she's 19. I assumed if she actually had a little girl herself, that kid wouldn't be at the age of consent. :p

Yes, Challan, I assumed we were all talking about your vagina as well. ;) lol!

Because, there's such a thing as tact, something you lack.

Thanks for that insightful comment Pedobear. I'll stick to the majority of not wanting my kids to see porn. Who in the FUCK would?!

67- Says the lady with cartoon animals in her profile picture

That means you are doing a great job or you are doing it all wrong

Or it means she's a Japanese pornstar.

Everyone got moderate FMLs so we can read more recent ones please!

That's... not quite how it works.

I have always been curious exactly how the moderating system worked. Do ones that get the most yes votes get seen at the top of the list by you guys and then you make the ultimate decision of if it goes on or not?

Nope, we read through all of them in order, and then publish the ones we like the most. Of course, we take the user votes into consideration too. :-)

Oooh okay! Thanks Sirin! Don't tell Alan, but you're my favorite mod. He called me depressing for one of my rants on Justin Bieber :(

Cunt cakes.

He can be rather moody sometimes. Maybe I shouldn't have had him neutered.

I certainly hope she's had a tetnus shot...

Lets hope no cops barge in and discover the unexpected..

59- bow Chica wow wow?

The harsher the sound the better ;)

If that's what she sounds like when you're thrusting your penis inside her, what does that say about your penis?

That his penis reminds her of a rusty fork?

It could mean that he is too big for her, although I don't think that most women would find that a problem.

Actually, 43, I think most would. I've heard it can be more painful than pleasurable.

45- It can be very painful. I dated one guy, and it felt like I was losing my virginity every time we would sleep together. Bigger isn't always better.

Depends how into pain you are..

Or maybe he's Edward Fork Penis. XD

Different people like different things.I personally don't mind some pain if I actually love the person. I also have a very high pain tolerance , so I guess its not as painful for. I apologize if I offended anyone.

73- I wouldn't apologize, you didn't say anything wrong. Most people are into some form of light BDSM (spanking, hair pulling, biting, scratching, maybe some light choking), if not more; but you're right, everybody is different in the way that certain degrees of pain don't do it for everybody the same way.

75- If by spanking, you mean a light, painless spank, then I agree. Otherwise, your comment disturbs me. I wouldn't want any pain in an activity that is meant to be pleasurable.

84, you need to experiment in the bed a bit more.

84- I find my pain tolerance increases a ton in bed and some pain with the pleasure becomes a good thing. But of course, rough sex isn't everybody's cup of tea

84: Disturbs you? Why? Just because you don't like rough sex doesn't make it 'disturbing' that others do.

84- I personally like for the handprints to last long after the intercourse ;)

106- I like the way you think!

I have to wonder if you've stabbed someone with a rusty fork before, OP, if that's what your girlfriend sounds like.

Or has he murdered a girl using a rusty fork?

well if OP did stab someone with a rusty fork he did it wrong.... everyone knows that first you gag the victim. god what an amateur

Well man you probably put it in the wrong hole and just trusted away at it.

is that where he got that rusty description from? :-

Play music extremely loud during sexy times, you might be able to drown it out.

Sounds like Rape... Girlfriend screaming rusty fork stabbing and you turning up those tunes to drown her out.

You could tell her to calm down a little. Just make sure she doesn't do that near your parents. :)

12- " Hey... I know we're really going at it right now... but could you calm down a bit. You're just a little too loud." Yep. That'll work.