Today, I found out my new girlfriend is a screamer. This would normally turn me on, except she sounds like she's being murdered with a rusty fork. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I learned that my girlfriend is not a screamer nor a moaner, she's a biter. My arm is getting stitches right now. FML
Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was so angry, she stabbed me in the hand with a plastic fork. FML
Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time. She's a screamer. Her dog must have thought I was attacking her, because he immediately came over and started savaging me. FML
Today, my sister turned the volume on my phone way up and changed the ringtone to a woman's blood-curdling scream. I found this out when she called my phone at 2am as I slept next to it. I pissed my pants and fell out of bed screaming in terror. I'll never hear the end of this. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me I don't make enough noise during sex. Then when we had sex again, I made the noises she wanted. She then broke up with me because, apparently, when I came, I screamed like a girl. FML
Today, I noticed that my girlfriend has a deeper voice than I do. FML
Today, I found out that every time my girlfriend takes a big dump, she pretends as if she's giving birth and screams uncontrollably. I just moved in with her. FML
Today, I was watching TV, when I heard a blood-curdling scream from my boyfriend upstairs. It sounded like he was being murdered with a rusty fork, and I rushed to see what the hell was going on, hitting my shin against the stairs in the process. He'd stubbed his toe. FML
Today, I couldn't fall asleep till 3am and was woken approximately every hour or so. Why? I found out my new upstairs neighbors have a very active love life. She's a screamer. FML
Today, I found out my girlfriend had changed my ringtone to some woman moaning with pleasure continuously. I found this out in the middle of a job interview when she rang me. FML
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Top comments
challan 19
I can't help but wonder if she was in pain...
LolFMLnot 10
That means you are doing a great job or you are doing it all wrong
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Comments (185)
mike307 11
That's just awesome! That's not bad at all.
B5B0N35 18
did you wake the neighbores
Techtacular 0
What the hell even makes a girl need to wail like that. That's just damn well unneeded.
Mademoiselle_fml 34
I feel sorry for you.
JAMSM 6
Well, you see, it is necessary. It releases the tension of sex. The better the man is, the more noise the woman makes. They can restrain themselves, but at the cost of severe knots in their back and neck muscles. The tension finds a way out. Be it through knotted muscles or through moaning/screaming. (Note: not all women have the same tolerance. Some women take more to scream than others.)
ultra_notorious 26
Try the rusty trombone to see if the outcome is different.
gabbybmo 5
beggars can't be choosers, bud. look at it this way, at least you're getting some...
xrudeboyrock 29
ask her what? if she's being murdered?
showen_fml 4
Rusty fork: metaphor for old penis?
Kenton1008 21
No. Just no.
Marraecel 0
LMAO
kalbrek009 20
And how exactly do you know what a person sounds like while "being murdered with a rusty fork"?...just wondering, because I've never seen or heard of any movies that depict such a thing.
FML_14u2c 14
Doesn't matter, had sex!