Today, I found out my new girlfriend is a screamer. This would normally turn me on, except she sounds like she's being murdered with a rusty fork. FML
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Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I learned that my girlfriend is not a screamer nor a moaner, she's a biter. My arm is getting stitches right now. FML
Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was so angry, she stabbed me in the hand with a plastic fork. FML
Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time. She's a screamer. Her dog must have thought I was attacking her, because he immediately came over and started savaging me. FML
Today, my sister turned the volume on my phone way up and changed the ringtone to a woman's blood-curdling scream. I found this out when she called my phone at 2am as I slept next to it. I pissed my pants and fell out of bed screaming in terror. I'll never hear the end of this. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me I don't make enough noise during sex. Then when we had sex again, I made the noises she wanted. She then broke up with me because, apparently, when I came, I screamed like a girl. FML
Today, I noticed that my girlfriend has a deeper voice than I do. FML
Today, I found out that every time my girlfriend takes a big dump, she pretends as if she's giving birth and screams uncontrollably. I just moved in with her. FML
Today, I was watching TV, when I heard a blood-curdling scream from my boyfriend upstairs. It sounded like he was being murdered with a rusty fork, and I rushed to see what the hell was going on, hitting my shin against the stairs in the process. He'd stubbed his toe. FML
Today, I couldn't fall asleep till 3am and was woken approximately every hour or so. Why? I found out my new upstairs neighbors have a very active love life. She's a screamer. FML
Today, I found out my girlfriend had changed my ringtone to some woman moaning with pleasure continuously. I found this out in the middle of a job interview when she rang me. FML
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Top comments
challan 19
I can't help but wonder if she was in pain...
LolFMLnot 10
That means you are doing a great job or you are doing it all wrong
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Comments (185)
Daze619 3
Murderers like to have sex too...
ncvolley123 8
Salad fingers would approve.
1coolchic 4
Love salad fingers.
jem970 19
Made my day! That takes me back to middle school when salad fingers was the shit lol
sailoroftheseas 7
Classic
every1luvsboners 11
This reminds me of a night a couple weeks ago. As the strip club was winding down around 3 am the beautiful, pregnant, Spanish, lactation show stripper named Annie walked up to me as I sat in my leopard skin undies and pink wrestling boots. She asked me if I had plans for the evening, I responded with a no ma'am. Fast forward two hours later I'm in a crack house full of Spanish crackheads getting a lap dance and lactation show from Annie, then I hear a gun go off. I didn't know where it came but it was close. Annie fell from my lap and landed face down on the cold concrete with a puddle of blood quickly surrounding her midget head. I started screaming "Annie are you okay? So, Annie are you okay? Are you okay, Annie? Annie are you okay? So, Annie are you okay? Are you okay Annie? Annie are you okay? So, Annie are you okay? Are you okay Annie? Really not a great correlation, but close enough in my book.
Metallica36176 16
What. The. ****?
soad4life 2
MJ/AAF reference ftw!!
ManInTheMachine 20
Annie are you okay? Are you jealous, that you're okay?
CharresBarkrey 16
One of the best cover songs out there.
Obey_StudBoii 23
Be happy. That's a sign your doing it right.
mercsl65 7
Be proud. Your neighbors will be jealous. The females in the area will her sex cry and want to fornicate with you as well. You have been warned
charvisioku 22
Last time I looked, human females don't utter sex cries and become ragingly horny when they hear another woman being vocal. If anything they turn their music up and smirk.
mercsl65 7
It's kind of the same thing as when people r single and nobody pays them attention then the day they have a bf/gf on their arm all the ones who ignored them when they were single want them now.
ChazzyWazzy1998 10
I agree with 97, and if anything, it's will make other guys 'ragingly horny'.
lmbachman 23
I needed this today. :)
slushyslime 7
Hey Atleast you know your making her feel Ohhh sooo good . And that in itself is a turn on.
Sanrio90 8
Either she is in pain, or she's one of those women who exaggerate noise during sex so that it ends up sounding forced and fake rather than pleasurable.
Nath1G 4
Maybe you just feel short and pointy...