Today, I found out my new girlfriend is a screamer. This would normally turn me on, except she sounds like she's being murdered with a rusty fork. FML
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Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I learned that my girlfriend is not a screamer nor a moaner, she's a biter. My arm is getting stitches right now. FML
Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was so angry, she stabbed me in the hand with a plastic fork. FML
Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time. She's a screamer. Her dog must have thought I was attacking her, because he immediately came over and started savaging me. FML
Today, my sister turned the volume on my phone way up and changed the ringtone to a woman's blood-curdling scream. I found this out when she called my phone at 2am as I slept next to it. I pissed my pants and fell out of bed screaming in terror. I'll never hear the end of this. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me I don't make enough noise during sex. Then when we had sex again, I made the noises she wanted. She then broke up with me because, apparently, when I came, I screamed like a girl. FML
Today, I noticed that my girlfriend has a deeper voice than I do. FML
Today, I found out that every time my girlfriend takes a big dump, she pretends as if she's giving birth and screams uncontrollably. I just moved in with her. FML
Today, I was watching TV, when I heard a blood-curdling scream from my boyfriend upstairs. It sounded like he was being murdered with a rusty fork, and I rushed to see what the hell was going on, hitting my shin against the stairs in the process. He'd stubbed his toe. FML
Today, I couldn't fall asleep till 3am and was woken approximately every hour or so. Why? I found out my new upstairs neighbors have a very active love life. She's a screamer. FML
Today, I found out my girlfriend had changed my ringtone to some woman moaning with pleasure continuously. I found this out in the middle of a job interview when she rang me. FML
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Top comments
challan 19
I can't help but wonder if she was in pain...
LolFMLnot 10
That means you are doing a great job or you are doing it all wrong
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Comments (185)
BronayPonay 6
I bet the neigbors know your name!
SUPA_TOLL_CAL 6
A gag and a whip?
CallmeRyuzaki 0
Nothing better than a screamer in bed. Would you prefer a chick that is completely silent?
MissMae93 23
16 - I would take silence over being murdered by a rusty fork any day.
MikeFoxtrot01594 11
Not me.
perdix 31
Do you do a lot of fork-murdering that you can distinguish the pained cries of your victim based on the oxidation of your weapon? Sounds like a rare talent.
tsent8 15
You acquire this talent after several years in the business.....I would know.
loserman67 36
As long as she's not screaming, "STOP, NO, HELP POLICE" you're doing fine. Chicks that scream and moan are a turn on. Congrats!
sens3sfailing 25
Well he said it normally would be a turn on, but since it isn't. I can only imagine the noises.
Hiphuray4peas 27
Interesting choice of reason for the type of screaming. Makes me wonder what someone being murdered with a rusty fork sounds like.
Dracoboxer357 36
19- *Passes you an old Alanis Morrisette CD* Here, play this at 110 dB and 2x speed, curiosity solved. ;P
klovemachine 24
*listens to CD*...*ears bleeding*
ManInTheMachine 20
That's why you don't use cutlery as ******.
TurquoiseJesus 15
But a steak knife works so well. They'll be cuming till they pass out or otherwise stop making noise. Either way, it's a win-win.
lelo007 11
33- I kind of want to have you evaluated by a psychologist for that comment.
tsent8 15
Don't worry I was a psych major before I dropped out. So did your parents act umm strangely around you in your early life?
TurquoiseJesus 15
Well I'm failing to see the issue here. Lelo, get your boyfriend to do it to you, and it will all become clear.
SkoomaKi 28
Or sounds like being electrocuted. Nick name her "thunderfuck".
jdmur 6
Umm wtf a rusty fork?
tsent8 15
Simple 95 it is a pronged instrument bearing resemblance to a trident often used for eating. Rusted refers to the process of oxidation in which a chemical change is made to iron to form iron oxide or rust. If the fork is made out of iron it could very easily rust depending on how well this fork killer of ours maintains it.
CharresBarkrey 16
152 - Oh, NOW I get it! Jeez, why didn't you just say that, 95? ;)
jdmur 6
Yo princessfairy I know what a rusty fork is, I just didn't get why OP used that as his description. But some another way to describe a rusty fork is pointy!
fistnazal 10
I once had the same experience... She was a red head... And she actually did want a fork in her? Except she kept calling it a "dinglehopper"?... And she was really obsessed with my feet and my legs for some reason...?
Dracoboxer357 36
26- I can't believe I understood a Little Mermaid reference on FML. That's about as a bad as a Star Trek analogy I made earlier. ;) (Who am I kidding, my analogy as far worse....) ;p
Soloman212 28
38, shouldn't have said anything.... That was extraordinarily clever, and you ruined it for any later commenters.
Dracoboxer357 36
48- You're quite right, my apologies to all. *Bows head in shame.*
gracehi 33
Thank you, 38. I would have been one of the people to leave "WHAAAAAAT????" reply. I didn't get it at first, but when I read your reply, I was like, "OOOOOOOOOOH."
Metallica36176 16
Yeah 55/38 I'm glad you put that. I finally realized after it. Dont apologize. Its been years since I've seen "The Little Mermaid" so it wouldve taken me a minute. Not to mention, if it wasnt for your comment I don't think that many people wouldve thumbed him/her up unless they understood the reference completely which some people (like 2 on this little thread) need alittle help on. (which your comment did)
fistnazal 10
Draco- haha yes, I realized the risk I was taking. I thought for sure the fml world was going to give me death by thumb. Glad you got it mate ;). And miss Metallica, although I am not offended by any means.. I didn't realize I looked so feminine?? Lol. I prefeeeer.. "it"
fistnazal 10
Although... I do have my nose pierced... : / *gasp!*
Enslaved 38
101, HitMeWithMusic, I'm on the app and many times-- everything pops up "except the picture". It can be difficult to tell by some people's names their gender. I sometimes reply to comments without knowing who I'm speaking to. Also, when you enter your profile, the title is blank. You could have been a girl showing off her cute boyfriend in her picture for all we know. (:
starcrossddream 14
Is it bad that I didn't even have to read the full comment before my Disney bells were ringing?