Today, I found out my new girlfriend is a screamer. This would normally turn me on, except she sounds like she's being murdered with a rusty fork. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I learned that my girlfriend is not a screamer nor a moaner, she's a biter. My arm is getting stitches right now. FML
Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was so angry, she stabbed me in the hand with a plastic fork. FML
Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time. She's a screamer. Her dog must have thought I was attacking her, because he immediately came over and started savaging me. FML
Today, my sister turned the volume on my phone way up and changed the ringtone to a woman's blood-curdling scream. I found this out when she called my phone at 2am as I slept next to it. I pissed my pants and fell out of bed screaming in terror. I'll never hear the end of this. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me I don't make enough noise during sex. Then when we had sex again, I made the noises she wanted. She then broke up with me because, apparently, when I came, I screamed like a girl. FML
Today, I noticed that my girlfriend has a deeper voice than I do. FML
Today, I found out that every time my girlfriend takes a big dump, she pretends as if she's giving birth and screams uncontrollably. I just moved in with her. FML
Today, I was watching TV, when I heard a blood-curdling scream from my boyfriend upstairs. It sounded like he was being murdered with a rusty fork, and I rushed to see what the hell was going on, hitting my shin against the stairs in the process. He'd stubbed his toe. FML
Today, I couldn't fall asleep till 3am and was woken approximately every hour or so. Why? I found out my new upstairs neighbors have a very active love life. She's a screamer. FML
Today, I found out my girlfriend had changed my ringtone to some woman moaning with pleasure continuously. I found this out in the middle of a job interview when she rang me. FML
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Top comments
challan 19
I can't help but wonder if she was in pain...
LolFMLnot 10
That means you are doing a great job or you are doing it all wrong
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Comments (185)
JAMSM 6
That sounds horrible. You can't let this stop you from forking her though. Just ease in the idea that she cool her jets a bit.
dupot420 9
How does a murder with a rusty fork sound like?
sweetmama88 6
Tell her to talk dirty to you !
buster409_fml 2
One hundred thirty first!!!
Dracoboxer357 36
132- Not only did you Not give up after you brilliant "First" comment was edited, your 131st was also off by one. :p Dazzle me instead. Say something unique, witty, thought provoking or outright insane. :) I'm all eyes. (O.O)
BekBek_fml 17
Maybe you should start screaming the same way, maybe she'll get the hint.
chrissy2 28
I could only imagine the look on OP's girlfriends face if he started doing that :P
jasin13 5
Then stop ******* her with a rusty fork you asshat.
onorexveritas 24
the way you wrote this makes it sound totally hilarious
SurfAndSkate904 3
I put a bag on her head....still counts
AriasBaast 4
That's a frighteningly specific way to murder someone.... O.o
interesting33 37
Someone's been watching 'The Crazies'?
poindexter25 5
When I make my girlfriend scream loudly I'm proud of myself.