Love: Today, I decided to ask my girlfriend of 3 years to marry me.... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 313

You deserved it 81

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 132

You deserved it 1 158

28/03/2009 01:10

Today, I decided to ask my girlfriend of 3 years to marry me. I made brownies with walnuts and put an engagement ring into the brownie I gave her. Not only did she choke on the ring, but on the way to the emergency room, I find out she is highly allergic to walnuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 205

You deserved it 82 460

Mother of the year

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

In the zone

30/01/2009 22:08

Today, I went out to eat with my aunt and uncle, I barely looked at the male waiter because I'm a shy person. Then my uncle says: "YOU SHOULD TAKE OUT MY NIECE! She's never dated in her life." I'm 19 and my match maker is my uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 635

You deserved it 3 235

11/07/2014 17:45

Today, I decided to bring down a very old fan from the attic. I plugged it in, and as soon as I turned it on, tiny spiders were blown all over my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 598

You deserved it 18 273

19/08/2015 13:54

Today, my car is being repaired, so I had to catch a bus to work. When the bus came, the driver pulled toward the curb and gunned it through a large puddle of water, then pulled away and continued down the road, leaving me soaking wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 945

You deserved it 1 560

24/08/2009 07:09

Spicy

Today, I ended up gashing my leg rather badly on the corner of a chair, fell to the ground with a very loud thud, and yelled "OH F*CK ME!!". I hobbled to the bathroom making more noise in the process. My neighbor came by and asked if I could "keep my sex noise to a minimum". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 592

You deserved it 7 548

10/04/2009 00:16

Today, I was selling cookie dough for a fund raiser at an old folks home. One lady ordered a box and told me that she loved cookie dough. I told her it'd be here in 4 weeks, she said "Oh I can't wait!". Not really thinking, as I left I said, "I hope you can make it till then!". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 074

You deserved it 66 652

10/09/2010 16:13

Today, because I have a beach party tomorrow, I used a new gel that is supposed to prevent razor burn after shaving the bikini line. Turns out I'm highly allergic to the gel. Now I have hundreds of beautiful red bumps that look like razor burn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 452

You deserved it 4 431

15/05/2013 07:20

Today, I was wearing a black shirt, black pants, and a black beanie at a grocery store. I came around a corner, bumped into a woman and she screamed, "Murderer." I was immediately thrown out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 626

You deserved it 10 096

11/06/2012 11:18

Today, I put the little boy I nanny for in time-out. In retaliation he blasted an air horn in my face. I can only hear out of one ear now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 795

You deserved it 3 214

10/11/2015 16:16

Today, I made a fatal mistake that may cost my company thousands of dollars. This was right after I got a recognition for my outstanding work last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 917

You deserved it 4 032

20/03/2012 19:01

Today, I was at a restaurant, and I saw my friend. When we made eye contact, I made a creepy face at her and twitched my arms to make her laugh. A woman looked over said sadly, "Oh my God, that poor girl!" She thought I was "special." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 690

You deserved it 26 855

23/08/2011 07:14

Today, while at the grocery store an elderly woman farted very loudly next to me. Everyone in the aisle looked our way. The woman pointed at me, and left the aisle. I received many disgusted looks from children and their parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 104

You deserved it 2 846

05/05/2012 18:12

Today, I volunteered to be my brother's designated driver. I told him throughout the night that I wasn't drinking, but he ended up leaving me at the bar and going to his friend's house in a cab for more drinks, taking my keys along with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 638

You deserved it 4 027

09/08/2013 17:23

Spicy

Today, I copied some files to my phone while borrowing my grandfather's laptop. As I selectively deleted the files from the recycle bin, I noticed some pictures, and ended up seeing way more than I wanted to of his erect penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 913

You deserved it 9 863

01/04/2012 03:01

Today, I introduced my mother to my new girlfriend. My mom made a very nasty comment about her in Spanish, not realizing that my girlfriend teaches Spanish at the local school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 194

You deserved it 2 861

31/01/2012 02:50

Spicy

Today, I was texting the guy I like. He's really smart, funny, athletic, and cute. This all changed when he told me he was jacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 822

You deserved it 8 832

Get 'em while they're young

By Smoked. - 20/06/2021 12:59

Today, I got a citation from school. My 10-year-old son was caught smoking cigarettes during recess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 810

You deserved it 178

28/05/2019 04:00

Today, I dissected a baby pig. All I could think about was Wilber from Charlotte's Web. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 339

You deserved it 295

27/06/2012 20:02

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. I had an IUD put in two years ago that's supposed to prevent pregnancy. To put it in perspective, less than 1% of people using this IUD get pregnant. Lucky me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 805

You deserved it 5 324

22/12/2013 21:28

Today, I went to a nativity play. My husband showed up late and drunk, and I had to explain to him why booming "Yeah! Time to get baby Jesus up in this shit!" when our son was about to go on stage got us kicked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 271

You deserved it 4 371

15/11/2008 03:27

Today, I was teasing my cat with a piece of string when suddenly my phone rang. I answered it with one hand and put the string down with the other onto my lap. The beast seized the opportunity to spring, claws out, onto my privates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 036

You deserved it 14 961

14/10/2016 08:12

Today, my dad refused to pick me up because he didn't want to get off the couch, so I had to walk for an hour and a half to get home. When I finally got home, my dad had gone out to pick my sister up from her friend's house. Her friend lives a 3-minute walk away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 087

You deserved it 755

19/08/2014 00:23

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk to the girl I like. After awkwardly saying hi, I manage to work up a nice conversation with her. I thought everything was going well, until I got home and realized that she had stolen money out of my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 809

You deserved it 4 655

07/09/2015 00:54

Today, a male friend of mine tried to kiss me. When I shoved him away and demanded to know what the fuck he was doing, he said he didn't think I was really a lesbian because I went on a date with a guy. Once. Over 15 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 166

You deserved it 2 745

04/04/2016 22:46

Today, my boss and I were bragging about our new phones. I unlocked mine to show its awesome display, and accidentally opened a job search app. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 723

You deserved it 7 321

03/08/2010 04:07

Spicy

Today, my wife of 2 years told me she was pregnant, after we've been trying for ages. Excited, about to call my parents, my wife then told me, "Don't get your hopes up it might not be yours, the father could be 5 other guys." And then asked me what I'd like for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 196

You deserved it 4 538

06/07/2009 23:27

Today, I thought my boyfriend of 6 years was going to propose to me. We're highschool sweethearts and he was my first. Just when he was looking into my eyes he says, " I've been seeing someone else for 2 years and I'm choosing her over you... it was a tough decision". FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 262

You deserved it 4 275

08/03/2009 23:57

Spicy

Today, I woke up at my grandparents house since my mom was out of town, still half asleep i went to brush my teeth. Mid brush my mouth started getting numb I looked again at the tooth paste I used..turns out it was my grandpa's anti-itch anal cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 890

You deserved it 22 060

18/02/2016 13:27

Today, several Ukrainians didn't believe me when I said I was American. Apparently I'm not fat enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 935

You deserved it 2 717

15/08/2009 16:58

Today, while showering I slipped and fell, taking down the shower curtain and smashing my head against the floor, resulting in a concussion. My family came running because of the noise and I lay naked, bleeding and concussed for few minutes before they could stop laughing enough to get me help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 153

You deserved it 3 235

31/08/2013 20:52

Today, I had an asthma attack while in bed with my boyfriend. He interrupted my desperate coughing only to tell me to shut up. He then rolled over to go back to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 847

You deserved it 3 990

30/09/2013 16:22

Today, while in class, I had to sneeze. Not wanting to make a lot of noise, I held it in, only to instead let out a huge, long fart. Everyone, including the teacher, turned and stared at me intently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 293

You deserved it 8 073

Slicey slicey

By tas2013kid - 01/12/2020 17:03

Today, I found out I had three strands of pubic hair beside my nipple, so I decided to cut it off with a scissor since I'm going swimming tomorrow. In an attempt to cut off my third strand, I instead excised the cap of my left nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 366

You deserved it 1 059

24/01/2010 12:28

Today, I went to get my friend a drink while she sat in the lounge watching TV with my dog. When I came back, I found her licking my dogs ears. She said he dared her to do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 382

You deserved it 3 416

10/11/2018 22:00

Today, a few years after getting mugged inspired me to start hitting the gym and taking karate classes, I was mugged again, this time in front of my girlfriend who I actually met at the gym. I was knocked out with one punch. It was the same mugger with the same neck tattoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 604

You deserved it 328

Customers…

By Giselle - 14/05/2021 14:01

Today, two girls walked into the clothing store I work in. One of them pulled a shirt from the bottom of a huge stack, knocking it down. One of them asks, "Aren’t your gonna put the stack back together?" The other says, "No, that bitch gets paid to clean that shit up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 115

You deserved it 78

No exit! No choice!

By Anonymous - 13/11/2019 03:00

Today, I drove my car and suddenly I got diarrhea & shit my pants. I put a plastic bag under me to not let all the shit go through my pants and get to my seat. Then, one of my work mates saw my car and came to say hello, she saw all the shit and the plastic bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 150

You deserved it 270

19/02/2011 01:06

Today, my house got broken into for the third time. The nice police officer said that if I didn't want my house to keep being robbed I should, "Fix the place up so it doesn't look like a crummy vacant building." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 648

You deserved it 8 558

Driving me mad

By Username - 06/07/2010 22:21

Today, at the crack of dawn, I started a 700-mile road trip with my three children. So far, I've stopped four times, settled several arguments, cleaned up spilled yogurt and melted silly putty. 130 miles down, 570 to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 012

You deserved it 12 671

28/02/2011 02:20

Today, I tried a new sugar scrub soap that's supposed to help get rid of cellulite. I didn't read the instructions correctly and now as well as still having the cellulite, my butt looks like I got a massage from an angry cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 715

You deserved it 34 730

03/09/2011 23:49

Spicy

Today, I woke up to a text from a girl I had slept with two nights ago. It read, "Please don't get mad if you notice a rash on your private parts. Sorry in advance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 089

You deserved it 42 592

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Saturday 28 March 2009 9:08

Together 3 years and you didn't know she was allergic to walnuts?

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Saturday 28 March 2009 9:06

If she says "Yes" after all that she must REALLY love you. Hahaha

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5ive 0

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Saturday 28 March 2009 9:06

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Tuesday 30 March 2010 14:59

u shouldve known that u terrible person! did she say yes?

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Saturday 17 April 2010 4:39

get to know her b4 u propose

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Tuesday 7 June 2011 15:59

ummm.... not really. I feel bad for the guy, but 3 years and he dosent know her allergies? that should be a question in year 1!!!

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Wednesday 15 June 2011 7:45

So... did you get the ring back?

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Tuesday 28 June 2011 4:59

Okay am I the only one who thinks these 'creative' proposals never work? Just man up and get on a knee and ask her to marry you.

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Wednesday 25 January 2012 17:27

Walnuts are gross.

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Saturday 1 September 2012 19:10

You would think that after 3 years he'd know she's allergic to walnuts.

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Saturday 28 March 2009 9:06

hahahahha what an asshole!!

kayladance101 13

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Friday 16 July 2010 15:39

aww OP! i feel bad for you even though you should know what ur girlfriend is allergic too :/

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Sunday 28 July 2013 7:20

Yeah, bitch shouldn't have choked. She should have x ray vision, like everyone else.

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Saturday 28 March 2009 9:06

lol oops?

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Saturday 28 March 2009 9:06

If she says "Yes" after all that she must REALLY love you. Hahaha

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Saturday 28 March 2009 9:07

yep, you're fucked. my condolences.

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Saturday 28 March 2009 9:08

Together 3 years and you didn't know she was allergic to walnuts?

phantomofmusic 0

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Monday 3 May 2010 7:49

My thoughts exactly #6.

blahblahblah503 0

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Monday 16 May 2011 4:53

that's what I was thinking. it's a sign not to marry if you don't know the basics

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Saturday 20 December 2014 11:04

Maybe she didn't know she was allergic and just never ate walnuts

keyofdestiny13 24

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Friday 6 March 2015 9:46

Well not everyone knows each other's allergies. I only found out a year ago that this guy I've been really close with for nearly four years is allergic to bees. And not everyone I've dated has known my allergy to root beer.

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Monday 16 March 2015 4:59

258, but if you've dated someone for THREE YEARS and are ready to propose to them, you should know their allergies.

addie_Cato0o0 9

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Wednesday 16 March 2016 14:04

I've been for twenty years and just found out I'm alergic to a very common acetaminophen

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Saturday 28 March 2009 9:09

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Saturday 28 March 2009 9:10

I second #6...food allergies are pretty serious. You would think you'd know about that by now... But it's not like it was on purpose. If she loves you, and if she understand that you're human and humans make mistakes, she'll forgive you and just say "Wow, that was a really horrible situation! But won't it make a great story to tell our kids!"

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Saturday 28 March 2009 9:14

Smooth kid, smooth. on the brightside, if she says yes after all that then she really loves you.

ponu 0

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Saturday 28 March 2009 9:15

How dumb is your gf to not recognize or check for walnuts? You two deserve each other.

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Saturday 29 September 2012 10:49

because see asumed he would know & she wouldnt have to check. stupid