Today, it was my 17th birthday. I didn't want my family to spend... - FML

By UnluckyJulie - 2/11/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, it was my 17th birthday. I didn't want my family to spend money on a cake, so my dad made this delicious apple ring. At least, it was great until my mouth began to itch and my throat closed. I have been allergic to nuts since birth, and my dad put walnuts in my birthday cake. FML

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Deep-seated resentment

Trip Advisor says no

My body, my choice

By Thithien1 - 1/4/2009 06:07 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was on a crowded subway going home. My trousers were a bit dusty so I tried to dust myself off. As I was slapping the side of my leg I missed and hit a woman behind me in the ass. She called me a pervert and walked off. Everyone stared at me. It takes 40 minutes to get home. FML

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By badDriver - 28/11/2009 21:37 - United States

Today, I hit a parked car. It happened to be my driving instructor's car. While he was instructing me, sitting in the passenger seat. I don't think I'll pass. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2013 10:30 - United States - Shreveport

Today, I was in a public bathroom with the runs when I noticed my stall didn't have any toilet paper. I was the only one in the bathroom, and I thought I could make it to the stall next to me and grab some with my pants down. I wasn't actually the only one in there. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2018 05:00

Today, I met an old friend, who accidentally revealed he once met my wife in a club. They were both drunk and she let him have anal sex with her for a fiver in a club toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2015 12:18

Today, I woke up at 7, got to college by 7:40 to receive an email that my 8:00 a.m. class got cancelled. I stayed there until 12:00 p.m. for my second class, to then find out that the cancelled class was the one at 12:00, not 8:00. FML

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By PhantomShitter - 29/11/2019 20:00 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Was it me?

Today, I read on Facebook that someone shat outside our block of flats. I laughed and showed it to my friend who was with me. She turned to me, and said, "That was you, we were locked outside last night and you needed to pee, but a poo slipped out." FML

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By boomstick - 25/9/2009 13:09 - United States

Today, I pulled a bee off of my friend's dog because we were worried he could be allergic. Of course I got stung, and of course the dog wasn't allergic. Turns out I am. FML

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By Crog - 11/2/2009 11:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I accidentally kicked a child down a set of steps. I work in a kids play area. FML

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By wotwzombie - 11/3/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, It took me over 3 hours to cut out little letters for an event I'm putting on. It took the wind less than a second to blow them all over campus. FML

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By AntSimo - 19/5/2009 07:46 - South Africa

Today, whilst presenting a report to the head of my college, I was arrested by a police officer for assault. I was in a bar the night before and accidentally bumped into a local tough guy on the way to the toilet. I got punched in the face. The witnesses got our names mixed up. That'll look great on my CV. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2011 20:27 - United States

Today, while playing with a lighter, I jokingly told my boyfriend I would burn his mustache off. He responded by telling me he would burn off mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2011 05:18 - United States

Today, we had to discuss our heritage at school. When I told the class that I am German, Japanese, and of the Jewish faith, the teacher loudly laughs at the "irony." Something like this happens whenever I tell people my background. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2018 15:00

Today, after spending 12 hours desperately searching everywhere I could think of, I'm forced to admit I left my wedding ring in the bathroom of the hotel suite we just spent our honeymoon in, on the literal other side of the planet. I am a dead man. FML

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By poopboy - 16/1/2017 10:49

Today, I sat next to this really hot guy in my writing class. We struck up a conversation, and it was going well, until he began describing, in excruciating detail, his IBS and fiber problems, and how he always has to poop. Good to know. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2019 22:00

Today, I caught a ride with a coworker in their brand new mercedes. They spent the drive passionately talking about how it made them a better driver and all the people that say otherwise are idiots. After running three stop signs and nearly sideswiped a mini-van I decided to walk the last mile. FML

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By Lesser spotted female gaming nerd - 12/1/2016 02:47 - United States - Arlington

Today, I finished reading a manga series on a website I go on all the time. As I read the last page I got a huge celebratory message from the website saying I was the first one to read every manga on their site. The website opened in 2011 and has over 30,000 manga. My God, I need a social life. FML

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By fugachumi - 7/8/2011 08:08 - United States

Today, I discovered that every morning at around 3:00 my dad takes a monumental dump in my bathroom. When I confronted him about it he denied it. He still does it. FML

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By unknown002 - 12/2/2010 01:25 - United States

Today, I stepped on the scale because I'm trying to maintain a good weight. The scale read that I had lost 6 pounds. Feeling really good about myself, I stepped off the scale only to see that the corner of the scale was sitting on the rug, making the scale mess up and tell me the wrong weight. FML

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By ab1e - 12/5/2010 20:07 - United States

Today, while at work, a woman left her credit card at my register. I tried to return it before she left. Seeing her getting into her car, I jogged after her and yelled, "Wait." She ran over my foot. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2014 05:17 - United States - Muncy

Today, while I was making dinner, my husband argued that our new dog has intelligence issues, and we should give him away. I angrily defended the poor thing, and had almost won, until the dog walked over and licked the inside of the hot oven door. FML

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By MedChew - 8/5/2015 12:46 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, my obsessive-compulsive mother barred me from using the toilet she had just cleaned. She told me to wait until tomorrow. FML

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By stupidassgeek - 15/6/2016 13:22 - Australia - Moonee Ponds

Today, I opened up my laptop to replace a faulty chip inside, which took me half an hour. When I closed it all up again, I saw the replacement part in its packaging on my desk. FML

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By klifestyle2012 - 12/11/2017 19:00

Classy.

Today, I came home to find my brother making out with my girlfriend while taking a selfie. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2009 21:59 - Iraq

Today, I woke up from a nap to hear my roommate having some intimate time with his hand. The slopping and slurping sounds along with the girly man squeal as he finished haunted me all day. FML

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By kanmcdan - 22/4/2019 00:00

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a Snowshoeing date. I felt sick and suggested we turn back. He said I could wait in the car and continued on the date alone. He was gone for hours, while I was stuck alone in a national park with no cell reception, food, or water. FML

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By MySummerinEurope - 25/5/2012 22:59 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, I started my third day of a student exchange program in Belgium. My room-mate is a guy, our beds are in the same room, and he's always in and out of the bathroom. Consequently, I don't have nearly enough privacy to choke the cock, if you know what I mean. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2013 21:40 - United States - Lusby

Today, my boss made me play golf with some executives of a company we're hoping to secure a business deal with, despite me having no golf training. My first swing ended up with me being rushed to the hospital. FML

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By atmac95 - 27/2/2010 21:28 - United States

Today, I am expected to write an 8 page essay, due tonight. The reason why I don't even have one page yet? My mom decided to take away the only computer I have the essay saved on because I have an 'F' in English. The essay is for English. FML

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By NoTeddies - 21/9/2016 22:48 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, my boyfriend gave me a teddy bear keyring. I had to explain that although many grown women like cuddly toys, I don't. And even if I did, a filthy, soaking wet bear he found in a puddle on the street is not a nice gesture, despite his suggestion I can just wash it in the machine. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2015 21:26 - United States - Moorpark

Today, some popped-collar wearing shitbird tried to pick me up with the line, "You look like Marilyn Monroe's corpse! Wanna fuck?" FML

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By Sarah-D - 29/7/2016 05:31

Today, a policeman pulled me over and proceeded to flirt with me. After I had rejected him, he gave me a ticket for "not paying attention to the road". FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2020 19:07 - Ireland - Dublin

Freak out

Today, some jackass spider decided to lay eggs behind my wall. No matter how many I kill, I always wake up to multiple baby spiders on my ceiling. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2010 21:31 - United States

Today, I was outside, eating a sandwich, when I noticed a homeless man was standing in front of me. Upon making eye contact, he grabbed the rest of my sandwich and ran off. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2009 03:21 - United States

Today, I wanted to make love with my boyfriend for the first time. I wanted everything to be perfect. The CD kept skipping, the rose petals had ants all over them, and he couldn't get it up. FML

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By pain - 26/2/2010 10:23 - Japan

Today, I realized explosive diarrhea can happen, and at the most inopportune times, such as on the day of MY wedding. At the alter while my husband said his vows. FML

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By lynn - 22/6/2012 16:14 - Australia - Bongaree

Today, my new roommate woke me up at noon to bitch about my "selfish sleeping habits" and how they ruin her ability to invite anyone over. I work the graveyard shift at the hospital. FML

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By fme - 24/9/2009 05:24 - United States

Today, I took the family to the Rainforest Café. There was no parking and I detest paying $12 for valet parking. I parked at Wal-Greens across the street in the only spot without a "patrons only, violators will be towed" sign. It was covered by the tree branches. It cost me $225 for the cab and fine. FML

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By anonymous - 19/7/2014 04:43 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, the guy I've been seeing for a year and a half ended it. Why? He found another girl. "She's just like you." FML

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By unbirthday - 18/7/2011 18:05 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I came downstairs to a cake that said "Happy 8th Birthday Bella!" My name is Sarah and I'm 16. Bella is our dog whose birthday is next month. FML

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By I can still feel it... - 24/8/2018 19:30 - United States - Midlothian

Today, my contact split completely in half at a wedding. Not only did I interrupt the vows with my scream of pain, but I was only able to fish out half of it. FML

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Top comments

By anjyu22 | 0

#650731 - Monday 2 November 2009 13:08

Sounds like something my dad would do... dads are even worse than boyfriends about remembering that stuff. Trouble is you can't dump your dad.

By BelaLugosisdead | 0

#650675 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:19

Ew. That sucks. You think your dad would remember something as simple as you're allergic to nuts.

COMMENTS

By GR3453m0nk3y | 4

#650660 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:06

thats what you get for eating nuts!!!
:D

and oh my gosh im first!!!
big freakin deal

who cares

Reply

jchansfan | 0

#650667 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:12

I do, I care a lot.

Reply

Fmylifffeee | 0

#652921 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 23:06

it's my 17th birthday too!!!!! happy birthday to us! :D

By giganticbrain | 0

#650671 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

neonokku | 0

#650710 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:43

nut allergies are quite serious

Reply

Reyo | 2

#651152 - Monday 2 November 2009 20:42

Well...considering it was her FATHER who should've been living in the same house with her for the last 17 YEARS...yeah, what kind of an idiot forgets something like that. It's like forgetting you have skin cancer.

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6052374 - Saturday 30 August 2014 15:18

#3 your pic is fucking creepy!

By BelaLugosisdead | 0

#650675 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:19

Ew. That sucks. You think your dad would remember something as simple as you're allergic to nuts.

By Savvysass | 0

#650676 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:21

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By offspringfan122 | 0

#650692 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:30

http://ihatejade.com/?id=rd11gjw8473862ae4yfidz6sfqrwau
this website is awesome

By Mx_Rider | 6

#650703 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:37

how nice of him. sucks for u, you were basically choking over nuts xD

Reply

tal26ful | 0

#2974547 - Monday 25 July 2011 21:19

haha clever...

By Jimboom | 11

#650706 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:39

Thats a great money saving program. He figures that next year you are 18 which usually means some big sort of birthday gift. He thought if he could top you off on your 17th birthday then that would save him the money from any subsequent birthdays.. or at least make you so wary of anything that he gives you in future that if he gave you something like a car that you would not want it fearing he had cut the brakes or something. ;)

By neonokku | 0

#650713 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:45

well maybe he didnt see the nuts

would you go looking for something youre allergic to in your cake?

Reply

jchansfan | 0

#650715 - Monday 2 November 2009 12:47

He made it. If he didn't see the nuts, there's a big problem there. :P

Reply

T9FTW | 20

#5633859 - Monday 19 August 2013 6:35

I'm sure he saw his nuts there. I mean, I always see min--

Oh, wait...

By GR3453m0nk3y | 4

#650725 - Monday 2 November 2009 13:00

people of FML!!!

please do me a favor and go to this site

idc what you do there

just go to it

it doesnt matter if you just open it, let it load, and then close it

http://ihatejade.com/?id=c09p6ox5mv731xjodovyh7at3l5zao

By anjyu22 | 0

#650731 - Monday 2 November 2009 13:08

Sounds like something my dad would do... dads are even worse than boyfriends about remembering that stuff. Trouble is you can't dump your dad.

Reply

jchansfan | 0

#650752 - Monday 2 November 2009 13:35

Haha this comment is awesome. I would totally dump my dad. lmao.

Reply

toaster468 | 0

#1027032 - Friday 11 June 2010 4:12

no not in my case my dad is the one who always checks for peanuts.

Reply

militarybrat | 21

#5585830 - Thursday 18 July 2013 6:54

When i had a roommate, we had a list of things she was allergic to on the fridge so we wouldn't make something she would eat with the items. How difficult is that?