Today, while at work, I let out a nasty wet fart, thinking no...

By Snails - 12/6/2019 20:00

Today, while at work, I let out a nasty wet fart, thinking no one would hear me since I work in a warehouse. My coworker did hear me, and replied, "WTF? Shots fired! Shots fired!" FML

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Basic Instinct

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Boozehound alert

By Labelme - 2/1/2010 08:26 - United States

Today, I learned that instead of discarding expired products at my work, we change the label to make them 'expire' later. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2010 20:00 - United States

Today, my husband told me the reason he'd been meeting his high school sweetheart behind my back and lying about where he was was out of respect for me. He thinks I'm ungrateful for not appreciating the lengths he's gone to to hide this. FML

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By ChevRooon - 27/1/2012 04:46 - United States

Today, I went to the gas station, paid the clerk, and drove off without pumping any gas. FML

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By lolilovemyboyfriend - 19/10/2011 14:37 - United States

Today, my eleven year old sister came in, and bitched to me and my boyfriend about how she was going to tell my mom about the used condom she found. My boyfriend punched her in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2018 13:30

Today, I have a busy week scheduled at work, so I took my file home to smash out some reports. Naturally I did not do any work at home and then I also forgot to take the file back to work the next day. Instead of saving time, I wasted an hour driving home to collect it. FML

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By reesemaster - 23/11/2010 00:18 - United States

Today, I went to use the public restroom. As I saw the toilet paper was out, I could see there was some hanging down from the other stall. As I went to grab it, I felt a hand grab mine and a voice ask seductively, "what were you reaching for?" FML

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By shellie - 13/1/2012 07:48 - Reserved

Today, I went to the gynecologist for the first time. I was so nervous that when she extended her hand to shake mine, I gave her my handbag instead. FML

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By Charles - 18/5/2011 17:13 - Norway

Today, I finally found out who has been hacking my email account to send dirty messages to my teacher. My dad. FML

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By Poopyhead - 8/11/2009 19:14 - Ireland

Today, I was at a petting zoo with my boyfriend. A guy that worked there said he'd take a picture of me with a mouse on my head. He reassured me that this mouse was trained. I agreed. Once the mouse got on my head, it peed. Turns out the guy didn't work there after all. FML

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By kfenton - 29/9/2012 11:16 - United States

Today, I found out that guys will only flirt with me when they're drunk, and even then only when they realize that my best friend is out of their league. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2017 00:00 - Australia - Coogee

Today, while holidaying in Greece, I approached a cute girl in a club and offered her a drink in Greek. She said, "No Greek!" and then called me an "ugly kiss-ass" in English, thinking I wouldn't understand. I'm Australian. FML

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By pancakessdsjsn - 27/9/2013 06:04 - United States - Lake Forest

Today, while cleaning tables at the fast food place where I work, I had to remove two human teeth from a table top. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2012 16:38 - United States - Columbia

Today, my boyfriend texted me, saying, "I'm running a bath. Wanna come over and learn about water displacement?" I excitedly drove over, thinking he wanted to have some fun. No, he really did want to teach me about water displacement. FML

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By Lou - 1/6/2010 15:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the supermarket; it was taking me ages to walk home because of the heavy food bags. Halfway home, I realised I had gone in my car. I had to walk all the way back to get my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2010 23:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year dumped me. In my opinion, the relationship was going so well and I really thought we loved each other. When I asked why, he told me he never loved me. He just wanted to get in my pants which after a year of refusing, he finally did. FML

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By anonymous - 4/9/2014 01:31 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, it was report card day at swimming lessons. Because it was the last day, a little girl brought me flowers. She was the only kid in that class who didn't pass. FML

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By are you kidding me???? - 20/7/2012 04:58 - United States - Chaplin

Today, my boss fired me for "fooling around" on my phone. I was looking for supplies for a surprise party we are throwing him for his birthday, and I didn't want to do it on my work computer because he has access to our history. Also, this happened during my lunch break. FML

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By LindsayK - 9/4/2009 06:18 - United States

Today, my step-mother threw a surprise party on my acceptance to college. People kept telling me how delightfully shocked and happy they are for me. "UPenn" was written everywhere, when I really got into Penn State. Everyone thinks I'm going to an Ivy League. FML

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By ShortTermMemoryFailure - 1/11/2018 08:00 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I discovered that I once again forgot my credit card in the vending machine at work. This is the second time in a week that this happened, and now 6 coworkers have bought drinks with my card since I lost it. I have no way of making it back to work for a week. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2012 18:34 - United States - Erie

Today, after being a germaphobe for almost ten years and refusing to go out to restaurants because of it, I finally had the courage to face my fear, and went to dinner with my family. After three bites into my salad, I found a dead bug in it. FML

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By GrLifeusx - 8/3/2009 04:03 - United States

Today, I was going to a Harry Potter convention since I love the books so much. On my drive there I got lost, and it only got worse when my car broke down. Since I forgot my cell phone I decided to try and hitch a ride. I stood on the side of a road for two hours dressed like Ron Weasley. FML

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By Jacqueline - 1/7/2012 20:01 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be romantic to throw pebbles at my bedroom window in the middle of the night. It triggered the burglar alarm, which woke up everyone in the house. If my parents didn't know I had a boyfriend before, they certainly do now. FML

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By erdot - 8/5/2019 21:00 - Romania - Bucuresti

Today, after 7 years of writing my PhD thesis, I found a book containing all the exact findings I've spent arduous hours, nay, years discovering. My tutoring professor somehow forgot to mention I was discovering sealing wax. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2013 23:35 - United Kingdom - Somerton

Today, I woke up following one of the worst nightmares of my life. I was sweating, clutching the sheets, and feeling sick to the stomach. I'd been dreaming of my wedding that's taking place next week. FML

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By SeeBrendenBurn - 21/11/2009 08:28 - United States

Today, I went to a rock concert and met this amazing girl. We started talking and then swapped cell numbers. Five minutes later, she asks to see my cellphone, so I gave it to her. Once I got home I went to text her and saw that she deleted her number. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2019 10:15 - Australia - Hornsby

The appearance

Today, I find why my long term boyfriend has not been interested in sex for the last 3 months. It’s because I’m fat. While I could probably lose a few, I am not obese and I am the one that has lead healthy eating and exercise in our house. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2014 01:38 - United States - Houston

Today, while walking home with my mom, some unoriginal cockshart in a passing car yelled at me: "Fuck her in the pussy!" It was a long, awkward walk home after that. FML

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By beatricesank - 23/5/2009 14:03 - Canada

Today, I was straightening my hair when I heard this crunching, sizzling sound. Taking the flat iron away, I realized that I had just fused a spider to my hair with the heat. FML

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By onefishtwofishes - 23/5/2013 20:15 - United States - Washington

Today, the communications expert I'm forced to work with added the line "as they can catch bigger fishes" to a film script. She does not believe me when I tell her that the plural of fish is "fish." This idiot not only has the final word, she makes twice what I do. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2014 21:04 - United Kingdom - London

Today, for the first time in my life, my dad said he was proud of me. It meant a lot to me, and I started tearing up. Noticing my emotion, he looked at me pityingly, said "Aaaaand it's gone." and walked out of the room. FML

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By TeddyBearKiller - 7/10/2013 01:11 - United States

Today, my coworker convinced a little girl that teddy bears are actually the bodies of dead baby bears. I work at Build-a-Bear-Workshop, and we were working a 4-year-old's birthday party. FML

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By OG Pinecone - 23/7/2019 20:11 - United States - Englewood

Today, I was hanging with friends up at my best friend's cabin. We were in his hot tub cracking jokes when he told one that sent me into a fit of hysterics. He tried to shut me up by splashing water on me. It worked, because when I jerked my head to the side, I dislocated a rib. FML

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By Coyote - 6/7/2019 18:00

Today, a couple of friends and I went camping in a national park. When we got there, a ranger came up to us and said, "There have been many sightings of coyotes, don't worry, if they charge you, they'll bluff and flee at the last moment." We met a coyote, it didn't bluff. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2012 02:04 - United States

Today, my grandparents visited. My grandpa kept getting off the couch and walking around to "stretch his legs." He kept kicking out my computer's network cable and messing up my game, smirking each time he did it. When I complained, my mom told me to shut up and show some respect. FML

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By oldlady - 8/11/2009 00:38 - United States

Today, after a trip to my doctor I found out that my recent mood swings and hot flashes are the result of a hormonal imbalance that mimics the effects of menopause. I'm a 17 year old guy. FML

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By truecountrybitch - 9/5/2020 23:00

Anger management

Today, my boyfriend got frustrated trying to take my entertainment center into the basement, for the kids' game room. It didn't fit, thanks to the horrible design of the house, so he Spartan-kicked it down, breaking it into 15 pieces. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2012 10:22 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad started his mid-life crisis. Instead of a Porsche or a Ferrari, he bought a tractor. Goodbye summer holiday. FML

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By WittyMoron - 8/1/2020 01:00 - United Kingdom

Shooting!

Today, I was out shooting pigeons with my brother. I decided to climb a tree to get a better view of where they were flying in from. As I perched on a branch and surveyed the skies, my idiot brother mistook me for a pigeon and shot me in the leg. FML

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By Andy - 13/5/2012 02:21 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I attended a formal banquet. The host was delivering a speech, when I felt the urge to pee, so I tried to quietly excuse myself. My chair screeched over the floor as I got up, I tripped over my own feet, and I accidentally took the door leading outdoors, where I ended up peeing in shame. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2016 02:51 - United States - Omaha

Today, I was laying in my bed and discovered a couple stray black hairs scattered about. This was odd considering I have light strawberry blonde hair but I forgot about it only to later see my hair brush have more of the same black hairs. I live alone. I'm scared. FML

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Top comments

By Jackey | 29

#7811574 - Wednesday 12 June 2019 20:36

Any body function that needs the adjectives "nasty" and/or "wet" as the main descriptors should happen in a bathroom.

By Akitakat | 31

#7811589 - Wednesday 12 June 2019 21:43

Take invasive measures... this is Not a drill! I repeat... This is Not a Drill! :D,

COMMENTS

By Jackey | 29

#7811574 - Wednesday 12 June 2019 20:36

Any body function that needs the adjectives "nasty" and/or "wet" as the main descriptors should happen in a bathroom.

By Akitakat | 31

#7811589 - Wednesday 12 June 2019 21:43

Take invasive measures... this is Not a drill! I repeat... This is Not a Drill! :D,

By alycion | 38

#7811768 - Thursday 13 June 2019 10:24

You’d be my new favorite coworker as well as the shots fired one. I don’t care how old I get, farts are the best. I have purposely encouraged my husband to eat things that give him gas so I get serenaded by the butt bugle brigade for my own entertainment. I’m a horrible wife.

By fiat850 | 13

#7913376 - Saturday 13 June 2020 5:03

I think it was more like "Shits fired!"