Love: Today, a girl I've been crushing on for over a year finally gave...

By Anonymous - 27/05/2011 23:30 - United States

Today, a girl I've been crushing on for over a year finally gave me her number. I lost the note at home, but found it a few hours later. I excitedly called, only to find she'd written down the number for the local Pizza Hut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 864

You deserved it 4 555

Love

Dysfunctional

Vulture

Judge not lest ye be judged

By anti-drugs - 21/03/2011 10:57 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum accused me of doing heroin because some teaspoons had gone missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 209

You deserved it 4 250

By Anonymous - 18/10/2013 14:29 - United States - Worcester

Today, we had a safety meeting at my warehouse job. They had an entire power point based around their message, "Stop getting hurt; it costs the company too much money." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 387

You deserved it 4 204

By Rachel - 23/10/2014 04:04 - United States - Waynesburg

Today, I was passing notes in class with my crush. I started to pour my heart out and tell him about how I've liked him for years. I was caught by the teacher. He looked at it, laughed, and tore it up. He then looked at me and said, "I just saved you from years of embarrassment. You're welcome." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 893

You deserved it 11 718

By Anonymous - 06/01/2012 15:50 - United States

Today, while in bed with my boyfriend, I accidentally let one slip. While thinking "maybe he didn't hear, maybe he's sleeping", the shaking of the bed from his laughter let me know otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 477

You deserved it 9 386

By Anonymous - 04/12/2016 22:14

Today, my family held an intervention and told me I needed to lose weight. It probably would've had more impact if they hadn't done this over video chat while stuffing their faces at an all-you-can-eat buffet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 448

You deserved it 774

Truth hurts

By markerThief - 13/10/2013 04:33 - United States - Apple Valley

Today, I jokingly told my friend that I was the kid who stole his brand new glow-in-the-dark markers back in kindergarten. Now he's ignoring my texts and calls and says we're through. So much for our twelve years of friendship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 333

You deserved it 10 951

Where you been?

By watchmaker - 16/12/2009 09:37 - United Kingdom

Today, since I had no lessons until 1pm, I headed out to the store to run errands. Our school has a strict policy against leaving the campus during school hours. I returned to a fire drill taking place. The fire assembly point? The student parking lot. All 900 students watched me drive in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 087

You deserved it 35 908

By Anonymous - 16/09/2010 06:04 - United States

Today, it was the first day of astronomy class and we all waited for the professor to enter the classroom. All of a sudden, someone turns the lights off, it's pitch black, and we hear the professor saying, "Greetings earthlings..." It's going to be a long semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 977

You deserved it 19 704

By Noalixah - 27/10/2008 02:22 - Finland

Today, in the early hours of the morning, a worker started drilling the road right in front of my window. He stopped 5 minutes before my alarm clock rang. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 632

You deserved it 3 909

By Anonymous - 12/02/2017 08:00 - United States

Today, I ordered some food to get delivered. When I opened the bag a fly flew out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 033

You deserved it 538

Anyone there?

By Anonymous - 22/03/2021 11:01

Today, I'm still waiting for my current job, which gaslit me in various ways for a year, to acknowledge my month's notice. My new job starts in 3 weeks. I'm genuinely not sure if my (ex) managers and HR are all on furlough, or if they're just fucking with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 836

You deserved it 63

Big brain bug

By Anonymous - 09/07/2012 20:15 - Canada

Today, my mother was leaving the house to attend her sister's funeral. Just as she was walking out the door, my brain experienced the most horrific shart imaginable, and I uttered through my reassuring smile, "Have a blast." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 162

You deserved it 25 272

By acnegirl - 26/07/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, I was romantically cuddling with my boyfriend. He looked deep into my eyes, stared lovingly at me, and said, "I never noticed, but you have the most adorable freckles on your face..." Blushing, I tilted my head to the side. He then said, "Oh, never mind, those are just your blackheads." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 671

You deserved it 7 126

By Jacky-Boy - 07/08/2009 00:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I was playing songs at a funeral in my church. As the organ wasn't in tune I had to use an electronic piano instead. All was going well until in the end of a speech, I accidentally hit the 'demo' button. None of the grieving relatives were impressed by my drum beats and turntable scratches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 400

You deserved it 7 429

By blanknameisblank - 09/06/2014 19:36 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a zit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 611

You deserved it 22 057

By Anonymous - 23/09/2014 12:00 - United States - Tampa

Today, it's the first day of fall. It's also the day that over 20 people have made jokes about my name being "Autumn" like they're the funniest, most original people alive. It's not even 8 am. This is going to be a long day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 031

You deserved it 3 437

By qld - 20/12/2016 10:57 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I got sunburnt to a crisp on the first day of my holidays away. Only 5 more days to go now, spent inside, trying not to burn more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 198

You deserved it 3 532

By haileelouxxx - 22/08/2014 12:05 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my boss slapped me across the face with a raw chicken breast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 551

You deserved it 5 412

By kb - 10/01/2015 14:35 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I accidentally sent my teacher a picture of me in my boyfriend's boxers instead of my essay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 662

You deserved it 22 242

Drip drip drip

By ewww - 03/04/2009 00:46 - United States

Today, I used the community vacuum to clean my dorm. When spots started appearing on the floor, I assumed it was leaking water. By the time I finished there were tons of wet spots on the floor. Later I found out that someone had just used that very vacuum to suck up vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 127

You deserved it 5 207

By Anonymous - 04/02/2013 17:17 - United States - Durham

Today, my girlfriend lost her virginity. I still have mine, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 226

You deserved it 3 871

That's so hot

By Anonymous - 04/11/2021 21:00 - Australia - Bundoora

Today, I discovered that I was the catalyst for my best friend's and ex's relationship. Apparently, still being in love with him added crazy heat to their sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 004

You deserved it 96

By unloved cat owner - 16/02/2014 00:50 - United States - Carmichael

Today, out of boredom, I built my cat a little fort. Later, I decided to crawl inside to pet her, but as soon as I stuck my head in, she clawed me. I guess I'm not allowed in, then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 594

You deserved it 9 441

By Anonymous - 01/10/2009 09:42 - United States

Today, my friends and I noticed that people, no matter what stereotype, pretty much all have the same type of friends: the mean one, the funny one, etc... and started naming off the people in our group who fit into those personallities. We got to the token fat one, everyone looked at me and stopped talking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 892

You deserved it 10 340

By Anonymous - 22/05/2012 10:35 - Philippines

Today, I learned that shaving while feeling upset is a very bad idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 285

You deserved it 6 578

By whatafuckhead - 23/11/2015 01:14 - United States - San Francisco

Today, after my landlord commented on how rarely I drink milk, and I joked that I'm "probably going to die young" because of it. Then I immediately remembered that her 35-year-old husband died last year of a heart attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 317

You deserved it 4 864

By rachlette - 17/04/2015 21:47 - United States - Seattle

Today, I coughed so hard that I fractured two ribs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 438

You deserved it 2 789

By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 00:32 - United States

Today, I had to make up a story about my "friends" at school so my mom doesn't keep telling I'm a loser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 583

You deserved it 6 797

Second opinion

By annoyed - 12/07/2021 21:01 - United Kingdom - Banbury

Today, after three years of being in physical pain, which affects my health and daily life, I was told it's an undiagnosable condition that I'll have to deal with for a long time, as there are no answers and no fixable solution. FML

I agree, your life sucks 897

You deserved it 43

By Anonymous - 09/08/2017 13:00

Today, I told my boyfriend I wanted him to be a little more masculine and dominant in the bedroom. He broke up with me because I'm not "feminist enough". FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 072

You deserved it 1 317

By not even getting any of her shrimp - 11/02/2014 21:50 - United States - Draper

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a vegetarian-friendly restaurant. She ordered shrimp fettuccine, and I asked why. She slowly explained to me that vegetarians can eat shrimp, then muttered that she now knows who has the brains in our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 576

You deserved it 6 494

By Anonymous - 17/06/2016 07:04 - United States - Bellingham

Today, I was buried in texts from two of my bridesmaids about how much they hated their dresses. Dresses they helped pick. I can either be a bridezilla, put up with this for 4 more months, or ruin two friendships. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 672

You deserved it 1 168

By mszoe - 01/03/2015 06:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was checking the family's computer history, and found that "Shrek Porn" had been searched multiple times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 104

You deserved it 3 578

By Username - 17/03/2010 00:46 - France

Today, at a debate tournament based on domestic abuse, my partner yells out, "Has anyone considered that maybe the women DESERVED to be beaten?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 536

You deserved it 6 611

By :x - 03/02/2016 15:40 - United States - Richmond

Today, I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend's panties with my teeth. I didn't expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 803

You deserved it 5 313

By Shoeless - 20/01/2010 20:16 - United States

Today, after I drank way too much, my friend pulled the car over so I could throw up. Next to my pile of puke was a discarded shoe that looked remarkably like one from my favorite pair. When I got home, I realized that my left shoe was missing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 347

You deserved it 35 267

By mom - 26/01/2014 04:29 - United States - Spring

Today, while driving home, my 3-year-old daughter told me she had to poop. I told her that she would have to wait until we got home. When we got home, she pulled down her pants and shat on the floor, because, "I'm home now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 879

You deserved it 10 098

By Anonymous - 27/09/2010 15:07 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I got a graphing calculator and my period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 509

You deserved it 4 783

By MSURebel70 - 16/07/2010 23:48 - United States

Today, I found out I've been incorrectly sorting thousands of papers for the past two weeks. My boss wanted them sorted by date, but the co-worker who instructed me said to sort them into alphabetical order just to watch me fail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 859

You deserved it 3 342

Teenage Riot

By Anonymous - 30/05/2021 11:00

Today, my son had a screaming meltdown because I told him to clean his own room and that I refuse to be treated like his personal maid. He’s 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 866

You deserved it 342

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Top comments

jbird1193 3

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Saturday 28 May 2011 5:54

at least they will be at your house in 30 minutes or less..

mmsdrummer51 3

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Saturday 28 May 2011 6:05

so order 500 pizzas and send them to her house

jbird1193 3

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Saturday 28 May 2011 5:54

at least they will be at your house in 30 minutes or less..

alex1432 9

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Saturday 28 May 2011 5:56

my pizza hut doesn't deliver... : (

lolmaster7654321 4

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Saturday 28 May 2011 6:07

did you not notice that most pizza huts have numbers like 310-1010?

lolmaster7654321 4

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Saturday 28 May 2011 6:08

ummmm most pizza hut numbers are like 310-1010... how could u not notice it was a stupid number like that...

SCREAM4meeee 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 6:18

16- isn't that pizza pizza? :S

i_love_grrr 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 6:47

my pizza hut is 2222 in the last four lol

iLikeWaffles155 5

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Saturday 28 May 2011 7:08

mine's 444-4444

bbucaro98 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 7:27

mines 6969

Frelling 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 11:37

131166, thumbs up if you're Aussie.

plataapusss 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 18:27

she must be fat if she remembers pizza huts number instead of her own

imthatguythatdid 0

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Sunday 29 May 2011 6:01

5959 for me

That0therguy 4

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Sunday 29 May 2011 8:50

Go for Dominos, their better.

FarSide 22

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Monday 30 May 2011 4:58

New Jersey? Don't be discouraged OP. The fat ass probably lives there.

jsaxon1996 0

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Saturday 18 June 2011 15:12

Marcos!!!

lemonaids 1

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Saturday 28 May 2011 5:56

Hmmm, maybe she works there?

tabarnak_fml 7

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Saturday 28 May 2011 6:14

exactly what i was thinking :P

boredSOLDIER 33

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Saturday 28 May 2011 6:27

happened to me but was the number to dairy queen and she had worked there before, but in my case we still hooked up after having "punk'd" me

xxlauruh 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 6:44

I don't know why 32. you look sexy.

AlwaySunny 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 9:38

hahha if she memorized pizza hut's number I'm pretty sure you may have dived a bullet with that one..

AlwaySunny 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 9:42

*doged

GeezWhatAnIdiot 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 14:50

*dodged... derr

X0lilmommax0 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 5:57

Lol better than the rejection hotline,..... Ive gave a guy a hooker number

maattyy 1

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Saturday 28 May 2011 9:21

How did you get a hooker's number? I didn't even know hookers HAD numbers

DoubleEdgedBlade 4

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Saturday 28 May 2011 11:03

Oh they have numbers...that'll cost you $10.

FarSide 22

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Monday 30 May 2011 5:00

@4: Who else but a New Jersey lesbian would have her hooker's phone number memorized? Geez...

lilbeast0327 3

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Saturday 28 May 2011 5:57

pussy

11up 14

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Saturday 28 May 2011 5:57

sometimes pizza>girl

california283 6

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Saturday 28 May 2011 6:07

yeah idk about that. pizzas can't give bjs.

Commander223 9

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Saturday 28 May 2011 6:40

^^^^^ disagree

Commander223 9

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Saturday 28 May 2011 6:40

^^^^^ disagree

adrianblackett 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 12:06

^^^^^disagree

kingtz 6

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Saturday 28 May 2011 16:02

17, watch American Pie, and then improvise.

sxe_beast 11

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Saturday 28 May 2011 23:47

To me pizza>females, but guys>pizza>females ^_^

FarSide 22

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Monday 30 May 2011 5:03

One year, at band camp, I used a sausage pizza to give myself a...

FrostHeart 36

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Sunday 30 October 2011 23:42

97 since guys beat pizza and pizza beats girls, you'd rather be with guys than with girls?

lilbeast0327 3

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Saturday 28 May 2011 5:59

#6 ur obviously either gay, a fatass, never been laid, or all 3

That0therguy 4

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Sunday 29 May 2011 8:52

Ha, Your comment was modified... so... yeah...?

pitchblease 2

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Saturday 28 May 2011 5:59

why cant some women just reject the guy straight to his face. it's absolutely terrible to. give the false sense of accomplishment.

DoomedGemini 37

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Wednesday 13 May 2015 3:07

Because some guys are dicks who will throw a tantrum, not leave you alone, or could potentially get dangerous.

ShelbyyCakess 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 6:00

is she chubby? maybe she's giving you a hint..

Jjustin 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 6:04

how about an original fml???

jasminea 0

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Saturday 28 May 2011 6:04

wow, she must be ... wide! only true fatties know the # memorized. smh /:

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 9

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 722

You deserved it 166

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 93

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