Miscellaneous: Today, I was drinking from a cup with a built-in straw. After...

By yum - United States - Sylmar

Today, I was drinking from a cup with a built-in straw. After taking a long sip, I noticed a weird taste. Upon investigation, I found a small caterpillar wedged inside the straw. FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

Hello everyone!

Supply and demand

By cabatt

Today, I'm a chef and I had a new set of knives delivered. My boss says to me, ''Be careful with your new knives, they're going to be sharp. You don't want to cut your nail off.'' Not 2 minutes later I chop my whole nail off my right index. He jinxed me. FML

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By :( - United States - Montevideo

Today, my parents felt the need to lecture me about how people who "smoke the reefer" are a "waste of life" and will never amount to anything. I was baked during the entire conversation, and actually ended up breaking down in tears, because I realized they were totally right. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - Switzerland

Dancing queen

Today, in dance class, the instructor asked me to demonstrate the splits to the group. I slid down, my legs opening wider as I descended. I then loudly farted for the full 5 seconds it took to reach the ground. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office for a minor cold, and left with a diagnosis of pregnancy. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I offered an elderly man my seat on the train. He thanked me by winking and offering me a seat on his lap. FML

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By Sadfaic - United States

Today, my long lost father came to visit me. He got drunk, then tried to beat me up. My neighbor called the police, and as soon as they got there, my father yelled, "Help! This man tried to stab me!" The sad part is, they believed him. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, my parents have deliberately ruined my last 2 relationships, because they want me to get back together with my ex simply because he is my son's dad. Apparently, my son needs his father more than I need a man who won't beat me every time he gets drunk. FML

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By poordog - United States

Today, my best friend was texting me about her sick dog. She wrote "Do you think she will get better?", so I wrote "I hope she does". It wasn't until later that I realized I accidentally wrote "I hope she dies" instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé suggested we bring his elderly mother with us on our honeymoon. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, at work, a table of girls complained to the manager about me. The complaint? "He's not hot enough to work here. We want a sexy server." The manager agreed with them and sent me home. I might lose my job because of a table of shallow women. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was smoking while driving. A cop pulled me over and asked if I knew what I did wrong. I thought he could smell the tobacco, so I decided to just admit it. As it turns out, I was going well over the speed limit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my writing teacher entered in one of my paper grades wrong. After many emails, she said she can't change my grade unless I fax her the original. I need that grade fixed so I can keep my scholarship. I can’t find the paper anywhere. That one paper could cost me $30,000. FML

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By really - Australia

Today, after telling my boss about my hearing problem, she simply told me to "listen harder". FML

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By Fml - United States - Lynn

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex; I know that some women are great multitaskers, but I'm guessing it was a bad sign when she started to go over the shopping list. FML

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By Ali

Today, after drinking a half gallon of liquid laxative in preparation for a colonoscopy, I puked the half gallon of laxative. Out my nose. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, for the first time in years, I worked up the nerve to ask a work friend if they wanted to hang out sometime. They winced, and said they were busy that day. I hadn't specified a day. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, for my birthday my boyfriend bought me a sexy outfit to wear for him. At the bottom of the bag was a razor. FML

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By newyorkers - United States - New York

Today, getting off a bus, it was pouring rain so I got my umbrella out. A man elbowed me in the gut and grabbed it. When I told my mom about it she said, "That's New York, get over it." FML

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By hborkowski - United States - Asheville

Today, I went to a urinal next to an elderly gentleman. As I was doing my business, he zips up and begins to leave. On his way out, he leans over my shoulder and whispers in my ear, "That's nice". FML

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By badhairday - United States

Today, was a nice day, so I opened the sunroof and all the windows in my car. My hair started flying around and at one point it went out the sunroof. My friends thought it would be funny to close my hair in the sunroof. They laughed until they couldn't open it up again. It short-circuited. FML

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By pa - United States

Today, my parents bought me a wine glass with "Who needs a man?" painted all over it. Cute, until after dinner my mom looked me in the eyes and asked with complete sincerity, "Kara, are you gay?" My parents tried to get me to come out. I'm straight. FML

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By auslander - Switzerland

Today, as a supervisor at a water park, several clients came up to me and complained about a topless girl in our wave pool. I found the girl, called her out, and politely told her that she was not allowed in the pool without a top. "She" was a fat 15 year old boy. FML

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By hell no!

Today, my fiancé's ex-wife thought it was perfectly acceptable to give herself a part in our upcoming wedding. She wants to "give" him away to me, the same way a father does to a bride. Apparently, I'm being unreasonable and selfish for denying her request. My fiancé told me to at least think about it. FML

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By untitledentity - United States

Today, I decided to use my mentor's advice. I told her I had been having some trouble controlling my anger, she told me to throw rocks at trees. I threw a rock at a tree, very hard. It bounced back hit me above the eye. I'm still pissed as shit. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was picking up after my dog with a poo baggie over my hand, like a mitten. Too bad the bottom ripped open and my bare hand poked through it just as I grabbed a big handful of steaming dog turd. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, me, a coworker, and my manager were looking at random advertisements. One ad was a picture of three fishes. My coworker named the three fishes what I thought were completely random names. I said "those are stupid names." Turns out those are my manager's kid's names. FML

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By lifesucks - United States

Today, I walked into work after being completly wasted last night. I was sitting in a meeting when all of a sudden the presenter had gotten an e-mail saying "crazy girl dances on tables at local bar". So obviously everyone wanted to watch it. That crazy girl was me. FML

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By mylifesucks

Today, I laid in bed all night texting my drunk boyfriend and drunk best friend. They were at two different parties, neither of which I was invited to. FML

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By TragicallyAnxious

Today, I had a draft paper due that I hadn’t written yet. I decided to skip the class to avoid embarrassment. Later, I went to change my major and was told to go to room 223 to talk to the English department head. I knocked on the door and the professor whose class I'd skipped answered. FML

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By Pauline - United States

Today, I visited my son at his university accommodations and noticed he's clearly never cleaned it since he moved in two years ago. I tried cleaning it myself, but gave up entirely when I found what looked like mushrooms growing out of an old takeout container. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was checking out my boyfriend's facebook profile. I saw that he had just taken the "How long will it take for your girldriend to realize you're cheating on her?" Quiz. FML

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By Alone - United States - Washington

Today, I finally had a date, my first one in well over a year. Everything was going good, until my date asked, "Do you like cats or dogs better?" When I responded cats, my date promptly got up and left, saying, "This isn't meant to be." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 14:02

Forever the bridesmaid

Today, after watching my roommate and her boyfriend be all lovey dovey for months, I now have to watch two of our other friends flirting as well. I'm painfully single and have been struggling to change that for years. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while on my break at work, my workmates convinced me to perform my "Indian accent" piece. Everyone laughed while I was doing it. Everyone, that is, but my Indian boss. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, the guy I like recommended I buy this computer game. Wanting to impress him, I agreed. Turns out it was a joke. I am now the proud owner of Microsoft Train Simulator 2005, and he can't stop laughing. FML

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By tracy4191 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, I found out my grandma has been slipping laxatives into my food. Apparently, I was constipated once as a child and "once constipated, always constipated." FML

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By edhere4u2nv - United States - Ozone Park

Today, I got into a fight with my mom, and stormed out of the house. I walked two blocks before realizing that I have no place to go, and no friends to vent to. FML

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By Shadyblood - Puerto Rico

Today, my drunk uncle threw my brand new iPhone 3GS into my pool, ruining it completely. When I asked him to pay for the 600 dollar replacement cost, he said he wasn't responsible for his drunken actions. All of my family members are on his side. FML

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By imaqtb - Canada

Today, I was working at a restaurant. This guy comes up to the counter and asks if he could have some toothpicks. I told him they were right in front of him. He said "Sorry, I'm blind." Thinking it was a joke, I laughed until he said "No, seriously." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend compared my hair color to hers. Also, she braided my hair (two pieces) with hers (one piece). I asked her why and she finally broke down and told me. She has lice and didn't want to be the only one. FML

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Top comments

By ThatPlankton | 15

#5569279 - Sunday 7 July 2013 12:53

I've heard of worms and scorpions, but caterpillars in a drink? who doesn't Love a little extra fuzz in their beverage of choice?

By Jkolbly | 11

#5569282 - Sunday 7 July 2013 12:54

Alright maggots, this obstacle course is called "The Squeeze"

COMMENTS

By ThatPlankton | 15

#5569279 - Sunday 7 July 2013 12:53

I've heard of worms and scorpions, but caterpillars in a drink? who doesn't Love a little extra fuzz in their beverage of choice?

Olympiakos10 | 15

#5569394 - Sunday 7 July 2013 15:20

It was The very thirsty caterpillar

LeFrogDog | 27

#5569878 - Sunday 7 July 2013 22:11

you gonna finish that caterpillar ( -_- )

priiest | 8

#5570957 - Monday 8 July 2013 18:26

How does this even deserve to be on fml...? People eat bugs all the time

By Jkolbly | 11

#5569282 - Sunday 7 July 2013 12:54

Alright maggots, this obstacle course is called "The Squeeze"

By edris_305 | 21

#5569291 - Sunday 7 July 2013 13:00

Sue them or get a free drink out of it from the store

vegetaftw | 28

#5569294 - Sunday 7 July 2013 13:02

The cup probably belonged to the OP, and was used in their own home.

Brool_Story_Co | 17

#5569297 - Sunday 7 July 2013 13:04

How would suing the store that sold him the cup accomplish anything, it's not their fault that a caterpillar climbed into the straw.

vegetaftw | 28

#5569305 - Sunday 7 July 2013 13:10

Forgot to add it could have been used prior to this as well.

Zimmington | 21

#5569344 - Sunday 7 July 2013 14:12

Yes! Sue them! How dare they sell a cup that a caterpillar could potentially crawl into. How could they not foresee this issue!? Some companies are thoughtless

By The_Thinker | 18

#5569296 - Sunday 7 July 2013 13:04

Doesn't sound like the little guy/gal was having a hell larva time in there.

I now await my trial from the FML community.

MidnaLink | 32

#5569389 - Sunday 7 July 2013 15:12

The FML jury finds you guilty!

mdcdeve | 10

#5569825 - Sunday 7 July 2013 21:14

I like it.

Smoldering | 15

#5571023 - Monday 8 July 2013 19:08

Speaking of Perdix and Doc where are they? And why are they not commenting on this?

By phoneYuNOlisten | 16

#5569298 - Sunday 7 July 2013 13:04

Were you at a restaurant?

By Mimorie17 | 12

#5569304 - Sunday 7 July 2013 13:08

Thats prreeetttyyy gross. Im terrified of caterpillars..yuck.!

Varieus | 30

#5569336 - Sunday 7 July 2013 14:02

How can one be terrified of caterpillars?

ElmoSaysSquishy | 28

#5569337 - Sunday 7 July 2013 14:03

Caterpillars are cute, just not in my drinks.

By The_Thinker | 18

#5569310 - Sunday 7 July 2013 13:15

Haven't you heard? In a time of global recession and downright awful economics, suing people over caterpillar-sized issues is apparently the latest trend.