Miscellaneous: Today, I was drinking from a cup with a built-in straw. After...

By yum - United States - Sylmar

Today, I was drinking from a cup with a built-in straw. After taking a long sip, I noticed a weird taste. Upon investigation, I found a small caterpillar wedged inside the straw. FML

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Miscellaneous

Sticky situation

Where were you?

Kids these days…

By Anonymous

Today, I wanted to be on top during sex, after always being on the bottom. Afterwards, he said, "You're never riding me like that again." FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, at work, after a visit to the bathroom, the lock broke in my hand and the door was jammed. I called the janitor on my cellphone and told him about the situation. He told me to fill out a complaint and leave it in his post box. He then hung up. FML

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By rattledwife666

Today, when I asked my husband to join me in the shower to "save water", he said, "Let the environment suffer, not me." FML

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By NoUsernamHere - United States

Today, I was working on a project in my schools library when a group of teenagers came in and began loudly talking and laughing. When I asked them to please quiet down, the librarian asked me to leave for being too loud. FML

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By Anonymous

The Breakfast Club 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, my husband's high school friends got together tonight. Nothing more pathetic than listening to a bunch of losers reliving their glory days as high school seniors. I honestly thought I would have picked someone better than this. My husband fucking peaked at 17. FML

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By stinkerweeder - United States

Today, it was both my and my stepmother's birthday. In preparation, my dad bought a huge banner with my stepmother's name on it, and a lovely birthday cake. When I told him it was also my birthday, he just grunted and taped a post-it note to the banner with my name on it. Same with the cake. FML

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By sonotsuave - United States - Arlington

Today, I was tutoring. When my kids were finally working on their own, I stood in my classroom’s doorway to talk to my boss sitting outside about upcoming work. Suddenly, one of my students sitting directly behind me let out the loudest fart ever. I think my boss heard and thought it was me. FML

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By Sadginger - United Kingdom - Redhill

Today, the man I have been in a long-distance relationship with for 2 years told me he has been cheating on me for 6 months, and that he's leaving me for her. I'm due to fly out to see him next week on a non-refundable ticket. He insists that, "we can still hang out, just not have sex". FML

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By moosemay - Germany - Dittelbrunn

Today, I took my two-year-old daughter to the dentist for her first check-up. We were at the front desk when she tripped, fell and chipped her front tooth on the marble floor. FML

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By Gassy - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so I went out for a look. I'm also pregnant and can't stop farting. I get 2 steps outside and accidentally let a huge one rip, then, from the shadows I hear "Oh my god!" and then running in the opposite direction. I farted away a prowler. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from 5 years back. Still bitter, I said, "Hey baby, you remember riding me 5 years ago?" I was then punched in the face and restrained until the police arrived. She'd been having an 8 year anniversary dinner with her husband. FML

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By ratqueen - Canada - Brampton

Today, I discovered that catching fewer mice in the traps I'd put out doesn't mean my pest problem is getting resolved. It means that rats have moved in. FML

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By Karma

Karma karma karma karma chameleon, you come and go.

Today, I forgot my phone in a restaurant bathroom because I was too distracted trying to steal three rolls of toilet paper without anyone noticing. After sinking that low because I was too broke to buy my own toilet roll, I'm now also in the market for a new phone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rice Lake

Today, my husband tried to annoy me by slurping on his almost-finished drink. I yelled at him to knock it off. Later, our daughter told her class that mommy and daddy had been fighting about his drinking during breakfast. FML

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By That escalated quickly - United States - Ocean City

Look at that

Today, while driving to Nashville, I saw a bunch of wild turkeys huddled together on the side of the road. I was excited to point them out to my boyfriend, until I realized that the "wild turkeys" were in fact vultures, and that they were eating a dead deer. FML

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By Anonymous

Fresh air

Today, my parents actually kicked me into the back garden and made me sit outside for an hour so they could have sex without having to worry about me hearing them go at each other like a pair of 15-stone rabbits hopped up on Viagra. FML

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By oliver - United States

Today, I woke up with a pounding headache. My wife tells me that last night I woke up from a nightmare, screaming, tried to run away and knocked myself out running headfirst into the bedroom wall. So she put me back to bed and went back to sleep. FML

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By hatethatiloveyou - United States

Today, my crush talked to me for the first time. He told me to stop staring. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend showed me a creepy piece of artwork he'd drawn. I laughed and said that it would give me nightmares, meaning it as a compliment. Turns out, this one was in honor of his dead grandmother, who'd raised him. FML

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By Cheese luv - Australia - Watson

Today, my father threw out my $100 wedge of blue cheese because it "smelled funny". FML

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By sucks2suck - United States

Today, I told my parents I really missed them and wanted to come home for the weekend, I haven't seen them in months. They told me that was a bad idea and they couldnt fit me into their schedule. I asked what their plans were. They said they didn't have any yet. FML

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By Dez Johnson - 7/3/2021 11:01

New or used?

Today, I discovered that my old roommate had left a full bag of cat litter on my porch and all over my yard. FML

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By ItalianBabyDoll

Alexa, play "That's Not My Name" by The Ting Tings

Today, during my boyfriends birthday dinner, his father shouted, “Jessica, can you slice me a piece too?” My name isn’t Jessica and I’ve been in their family for over two years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to break up a fistfight between my wife and mother. Apparently, my mom heard that I finally got the great paying job of my dreams, and told my wife I'd finally kick her "useless ass to the curb." We have to spend the holidays together. FML

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By aabadaba - United States - La Mirada

Today, my Jewish boyfriend came over for my extended family's Easter party. My grandmother made fun of him for being Jewish so badly, that he left, crying. She doesn't see what she did wrong. FML

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By eaglesmile - India - Mumbai

Today, during work hours, I took time off and discreetly went for an interview for a prospective job at our rival company. As soon as I reached the place, I bumped into my current boss. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I had to cancel my wedding because my fiancé is so hungover from his bachelor party, he's throwing up all over the place, can't stand up straight and is calling me by the stripper's name he met yesterday night. FML

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By cheersdaddy - United Kingdom

Today, my dad was given 2 VIP tickets to see my favourite band in concert next week. You can now find them on eBay. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a while. I swear I couldn't help it when the words "Wow, I bet you really regret that haircut." came out of my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Placentia

Today, I cleaned out my house and placed multiple boxes of clothes and books in my two-seated truck to take to the Goodwill. While turning onto the highway, everything tumbled on top of me, sending me crashing into a guardrail. FML

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By Werner - United States

Today, I came home after a party to my parents, who confronted me. They said that my phone had made a pocket call to them and they heard a good half hour of people talking about drugs and alcohol. I confessed at that point. I checked my phone after. I hadn't called them in 3 days. FML

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By doggie_doo_face - United States

Snow day

Today, my dog accidentally crapped on her leash. When I flicked the leash to get the poo off, it went flying. Have you ever had warm poo hit you in the face on a cold day when there's 6 inches of snow on the ground? I have. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2021 19:30 - United States

Parenting in 2021

Today, I found out my son's dad stole his unemployment card and took the money. My son was homeless at the time and using his dad's address for mail. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Imperial

Today, my fiancé texted me, saying he'd been masturbating to pictures of me. I told him that I couldn't wait to get home and take care of him. He replied, "Nah, don't bother, I got this." Now I'm horny and sad. FML

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By hitchcock2013 - United States - Taylor

Today, I did my small part to help the environment by hanging my clothes outside to dry rather than using the dryer. The birds showed their appreciation by crapping on the majority of my clothes. FML

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By Dopamin3

Today, driving to a conference 2 hours away a giant piece of ice fell off a truck and did severe damage to my car hood and busted the front light. The car was a few months old with around 5000 miles on it. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2021 22:05

She'll come around

Today, my only friend confessed she loved me, but I’m not a lesbian so I had to let her down. Apparently she thought I was a lesbian too, so she ran away mortified. I just got a text that she can’t see me anymore, because it’s too painful. I have no relatives and now no friends. I’m totally alone. FML

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By littl3storm

Summertime sadness

Today, as a treat to myself for completing my exams, I dyed my hair rainbow. In the process of dyeing my hair, I managed to roll over my foot, causing severe ligament damage in my foot and ankle. It's likely I'll end up with a cast. Goodbye summer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a long flight. I was fortunate enough to sit next to a great girl. However, she must have thought I was not so great, because she moved to the empty seat across the aisle. Next to my dad. Who then told stories about how I always get motion sickness on airplanes. I then threw up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 6-year-old daughter threw a tantrum in the middle of a store, all because I wouldn't buy her a pushup bra. FML

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Top comments

By ThatPlankton | 15

#5569279 - Sunday 7 July 2013 12:53

I've heard of worms and scorpions, but caterpillars in a drink? who doesn't Love a little extra fuzz in their beverage of choice?

By Jkolbly | 11

#5569282 - Sunday 7 July 2013 12:54

Alright maggots, this obstacle course is called "The Squeeze"

COMMENTS

By ThatPlankton | 15

#5569279 - Sunday 7 July 2013 12:53

I've heard of worms and scorpions, but caterpillars in a drink? who doesn't Love a little extra fuzz in their beverage of choice?

Olympiakos10 | 15

#5569394 - Sunday 7 July 2013 15:20

It was The very thirsty caterpillar

LeFrogDog | 27

#5569878 - Sunday 7 July 2013 22:11

you gonna finish that caterpillar ( -_- )

priiest | 8

#5570957 - Monday 8 July 2013 18:26

How does this even deserve to be on fml...? People eat bugs all the time

By Jkolbly | 11

#5569282 - Sunday 7 July 2013 12:54

Alright maggots, this obstacle course is called "The Squeeze"

By edris_305 | 21

#5569291 - Sunday 7 July 2013 13:00

Sue them or get a free drink out of it from the store

vegetaftw | 28

#5569294 - Sunday 7 July 2013 13:02

The cup probably belonged to the OP, and was used in their own home.

Brool_Story_Co | 17

#5569297 - Sunday 7 July 2013 13:04

How would suing the store that sold him the cup accomplish anything, it's not their fault that a caterpillar climbed into the straw.

vegetaftw | 28

#5569305 - Sunday 7 July 2013 13:10

Forgot to add it could have been used prior to this as well.

Zimmington | 21

#5569344 - Sunday 7 July 2013 14:12

Yes! Sue them! How dare they sell a cup that a caterpillar could potentially crawl into. How could they not foresee this issue!? Some companies are thoughtless

By The_Thinker | 18

#5569296 - Sunday 7 July 2013 13:04

Doesn't sound like the little guy/gal was having a hell larva time in there.

I now await my trial from the FML community.

MidnaLink | 33

#5569389 - Sunday 7 July 2013 15:12

The FML jury finds you guilty!

mdcdeve | 10

#5569825 - Sunday 7 July 2013 21:14

I like it.

Smoldering | 15

#5571023 - Monday 8 July 2013 19:08

Speaking of Perdix and Doc where are they? And why are they not commenting on this?

By phoneYuNOlisten | 16

#5569298 - Sunday 7 July 2013 13:04

Were you at a restaurant?

By Mimorie17 | 12

#5569304 - Sunday 7 July 2013 13:08

Thats prreeetttyyy gross. Im terrified of caterpillars..yuck.!

Varieus | 30

#5569336 - Sunday 7 July 2013 14:02

How can one be terrified of caterpillars?

ElmoSaysSquishy | 28

#5569337 - Sunday 7 July 2013 14:03

Caterpillars are cute, just not in my drinks.

By The_Thinker | 18

#5569310 - Sunday 7 July 2013 13:15

Haven't you heard? In a time of global recession and downright awful economics, suing people over caterpillar-sized issues is apparently the latest trend.