Today, I was drinking from a cup with a built-in straw. After...

By yum - 7/7/2013 05:09 - United States - Sylmar

Today, I was drinking from a cup with a built-in straw. After taking a long sip, I noticed a weird taste. Upon investigation, I found a small caterpillar wedged inside the straw. FML

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Miscellaneous

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Incognito browsing

The past that suits you best

By igiveup - 21/12/2012 03:31 - Australia - Sydney

Today, it's my wedding anniversary; my husband forgot. My daughter gave me two beautiful long stem roses and said she would look after her sister while we went out to celebrate. My daughter is more romantic and thoughtful than my own husband. FML

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By ScaredDude - 19/5/2019 04:07

Today, I was home alone in the dark and I heard the doorbell ring. I didn't know who it was so I didn't answer. They kept ringing, so I got a bit scared and called the police. When the police showed up, they told me it was a Chinese delivery guy with the wrong address. FML

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By krissysays - 25/10/2010 02:16 - United States

Today, I heard on the news that the average debt one is in when they graduate college is $24,000. I've been in college for one year and my debt is already $20,000. And it turns out that my school's accreditation does not exist like I was told. $20,000 in debt and no college credits to show for it. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2013 18:10 - United States - Miami

Today, after having recently told my 4-year-old daughter that she won't grow big and tall if she doesn't eat her veggies, she decided to pass this wisdom on to a midget that we passed in the store. FML

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By Jason McGinnis - 22/9/2020 16:51 - Canada - Brampton

That'll be Kevin in accounting

Today, just like every other day, my company is so dysfunctional that local food chains require us to pay cash up front for our catering, because we routinely take 6 months or more to pay for a chicken sandwich. FML

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By wow - 30/10/2014 22:05 - United States - Turlock

Today, my mom spelled my name with all lowercase letters. When I asked her why she wrote it like that, she got pissed and snapped back, "Capitals are for people who amount to something." FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2010 16:33 - United States

Today, I came home to find that my pregnant cat had given birth to a stillborn kitten in every room of the house. It had then rubbed its butt around the house, leaving bloody stains everywhere. When I went to clean the white carpet, the bleach turned it green. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2016 01:28

Today, I attempted to score with a previous friend-with-benefits by sending her a photo of my Christmas present, bondage rope. She arrived an hour later in a mad panic. She thought I was going to hang myself. FML

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By ALO - 21/1/2020 05:00 - United States - Bossier City

Married life

Today, I found out my husband of 7 years has been cheating on me with "10-15" people. FML

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By anon - 8/12/2012 05:33 - United States

Today, when my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I got a nose bleed. He gave me a shirt to plug it with and kept going. FML

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By sydneybourgeois - 13/8/2011 04:06 - United States

Today, the guy of my dreams told me he liked me and leaned in to kiss me. Just as our lips touched, I ripped a big ass fart. FML

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By NooOOooOO - 11/10/2017 23:15

Today, I learned how artistically talented my daughter is. Unfortunately, her favorite medium to work in is poo. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2010 06:04 - United States

Today, it was the first day of astronomy class and we all waited for the professor to enter the classroom. All of a sudden, someone turns the lights off, it's pitch black, and we hear the professor saying, "Greetings earthlings..." It's going to be a long semester. FML

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By ohhmydamn - 31/7/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I found out if you slide down the stairs on a foam matress topper, it just folds under instead of sliding. Then you slide the rest of the way down on your knees and break your nose at the bottom. FML

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By Surewhatever - 16/10/2019 14:01

Not on a plane

Today, when I warned my guests to check the toilet for snakes, I meant it. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2009 19:02 - United States

Today, as I was walking through the park I had to yawn. In mid-yawn, with my mouth wide open, I walked right through a spider web getting both the spider and the prey it was eating stuck in my mouth. FML

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By beurk - 6/2/2015 05:18 - France - Paris

Today, in the magazine section of a bookstore, an old dude asked me politely to grab something that he couldn't reach. I did so with a smile, touched by his "nice old guy" demeanour, only glancing at the item in question as I handed it to him. It was a porn mag. FML

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By TheGreatAndPowerfulDerp - 13/9/2020 05:02

Great move

Today, I got pulled over for speeding. Knowing how much more it would cost in the long run, I handed the officer my license with $300 in cash, "as something to consider for just a warning." He came back with a ticket and verbally warned me that police bribery is a felony. He kept the money. FML

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By AppState - 1/3/2009 00:33 - United States

Today, my dad had gotten a new cell phone. So I started to mess around with the cool features on his phone and stumbled upon some pictures he had taken. Next thing I know I'm looking at my mom going down on my dad. FML

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By 1gullible_bugger - 8/7/2019 20:00

Today, I was assaulted by a crazy drunk woman. Why? Six years ago, her kids were put into foster care because she was unfit. Somehow, this was my fault. FML

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By Jim - 26/11/2019 16:00 - Canada - Winfield

Bigger than...

Today, I was looking for my passport and I found my wife's new vibrator (that she failed to tell me she'd purchased). I understand now why she doesn't want sex with me anymore. That thing is much bigger than I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2015 01:22 - Australia - Elwood

Today, I got stopped by people asking for donations for their charity services. Being who I am, I hate saying no to people, so I told them "I don't have any money, only my card." Did you know they also accept payment by card? FML

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By Pete - 7/8/2018 13:00

Today, it's the third day I've been at home recuperating from ear surgery. My surgery was on the same day my neighbor started renovating. There's been hours of jack-hammering every day I've been home. FML

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By coyote - 2/9/2010 07:25 - Japan

Today, I'm recovering from abdominal surgery. In addition to pain, I'm having trouble peeing and haven't pooped since Sunday, so my surgeon prescribed a laxative. Turns out I'm allergic to it. Now I'm covered in hives, even in my ears, incisions, and lady parts. I also still haven't pooped. FML

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By the poor man - 5/9/2015 17:36 - Australia - Perth

Today, at a party that was pretty big, I thought it would be funny to photobomb a photo. In doing so, I slipped over and snapped my arm in. I may now have to get surgery. The good thing is I made a hell of a photobomb. FML

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By Kulcha - 13/2/2009 11:07 - Australia

Today, I was expelled from school. By my own mother. FML

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By Drai Gray - 24/6/2019 14:12

Today, I'm finally dating the girl I've been fawning over for years. So what do I do? I accidentally call her by her sister's name during a conversation, which might seem like a small mistake, except I used to sleep with her sister and she's been having a hard time getting over it. FML

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By Italian_Stallion - 16/2/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I was at the airport, about to listen to Disney's Camp Rock soundtrack on my iPhone. I pressed play, only to realize that my headphones weren't plugged in all the way. Everone sitting near me heard Joe Jonas' voice coming from my phone. I am 40 years old. FML

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By Zaak - 25/3/2018 06:00

Ouch.

Today, my neighbor, whom I've had a massive crush on but barely know, actually started flirting with me. Long story short, it ended with him getting a blowjob. I said, "We should make this a thing." He replied, "Yeah, a one-time thing." FML

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By waiterrrrrrrrr - 2/8/2009 19:12 - United States

Today, I was working my shift at a fancy restaurant and it had been a really hard day. My parents came in to have dinner and surprise me. After paying, they left a note saying they would see me at home. It also said "By the way, no tip, because you stink at serving." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 10:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on a crowded bus on the way back from my boyfriend's when I suddenly had a terrible nose bleed. I had no tissues, so instead I had to use last night's underwear from my bag. FML

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By candy man - 4/9/2014 19:32 - United States - Chapel Hill

Today, my girlfriend got up in the middle of sex saying, "You're taking too long, I'm gonna go make some popcorn." I asked her if she could get me some. She said no. FML

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By yummolives - 26/8/2009 20:31 - United States

Today, my little sister recieved a fairy costume from my aunt. She put it on and waves her wand at me. She said,"Abra cadabra bibbity poo. I wish Sydney was pretty." When I did nothing, she put her hands on her hips and says,"Cant you just act pretty?" FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2020 17:01

Mom knows shit

Today, my mother-in-law decided my husband has COVID-19, read some debunked articles about how ibuprofen makes the symptoms worse, and scolded me for giving him ibuprofen for his muscle pain. I'm an actual medical doctor. FML

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By Emmaraine189 - 28/4/2016 02:22 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I saw my cat licking something on the side of the road and went to check what it was. It was someone's old cigarette. I now know why she wants to be let out so often: She's addicted to nicotine. FML

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By emptypockets - 31/10/2014 13:35 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I was pulled over and fined $100 for driving without a license, as I'd accidentally left home without my wallet. I later found my wallet wedged beside my car seat, where it had been the entire time. FML

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By FUCKING POWER - 2/11/2013 21:41 - United States - Wixom

Today, there was a power outage at my apartment. I ended up deciding that the power wasn't going to come on any time soon, and that I should go to a hotel for the night. Just after I unpacked at the hotel, my neighbor called to say the power had come back. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2019 16:00

Today, I woke up with a carpet burn. From sleeping. Alone. In my bed. FML

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By it's just hair - 15/2/2018 19:00

Today, I was sent home from work because my new haircut "looks too much like Hitler". FML

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By I keep failing it all - 2/6/2013 19:45 - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, my dad found the Father's Day present that I spent at least ten hours preparing and decorating. I'd expected him to be extremely happy about this lovely gift. His only reaction was to ask if he could exchange it for something else. FML

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Top comments

By ThatPlankton | 15

#5569279 - Sunday 7 July 2013 12:53

I've heard of worms and scorpions, but caterpillars in a drink? who doesn't Love a little extra fuzz in their beverage of choice?

By Jkolbly | 11

#5569282 - Sunday 7 July 2013 12:54

Alright maggots, this obstacle course is called "The Squeeze"

COMMENTS

By ThatPlankton | 15

#5569279 - Sunday 7 July 2013 12:53

I've heard of worms and scorpions, but caterpillars in a drink? who doesn't Love a little extra fuzz in their beverage of choice?

Olympiakos10 | 15

#5569394 - Sunday 7 July 2013 15:20

It was The very thirsty caterpillar

LeFrogDog | 27

#5569878 - Sunday 7 July 2013 22:11

you gonna finish that caterpillar ( -_- )

priiest | 8

#5570957 - Monday 8 July 2013 18:26

How does this even deserve to be on fml...? People eat bugs all the time

By Jkolbly | 11

#5569282 - Sunday 7 July 2013 12:54

Alright maggots, this obstacle course is called "The Squeeze"

By edris_305 | 21

#5569291 - Sunday 7 July 2013 13:00

Sue them or get a free drink out of it from the store

vegetaftw | 28

#5569294 - Sunday 7 July 2013 13:02

The cup probably belonged to the OP, and was used in their own home.

Brool_Story_Co | 17

#5569297 - Sunday 7 July 2013 13:04

How would suing the store that sold him the cup accomplish anything, it's not their fault that a caterpillar climbed into the straw.

vegetaftw | 28

#5569305 - Sunday 7 July 2013 13:10

Forgot to add it could have been used prior to this as well.

Zimmington | 21

#5569344 - Sunday 7 July 2013 14:12

Yes! Sue them! How dare they sell a cup that a caterpillar could potentially crawl into. How could they not foresee this issue!? Some companies are thoughtless

By The_Thinker | 18

#5569296 - Sunday 7 July 2013 13:04

Doesn't sound like the little guy/gal was having a hell larva time in there.

I now await my trial from the FML community.

MidnaLink | 32

#5569389 - Sunday 7 July 2013 15:12

The FML jury finds you guilty!

mdcdeve | 10

#5569825 - Sunday 7 July 2013 21:14

I like it.

Smoldering | 15

#5571023 - Monday 8 July 2013 19:08

Speaking of Perdix and Doc where are they? And why are they not commenting on this?

By phoneYuNOlisten | 16

#5569298 - Sunday 7 July 2013 13:04

Were you at a restaurant?

By Mimorie17 | 12

#5569304 - Sunday 7 July 2013 13:08

Thats prreeetttyyy gross. Im terrified of caterpillars..yuck.!

Varieus | 30

#5569336 - Sunday 7 July 2013 14:02

How can one be terrified of caterpillars?

ElmoSaysSquishy | 28

#5569337 - Sunday 7 July 2013 14:03

Caterpillars are cute, just not in my drinks.

By The_Thinker | 18

#5569310 - Sunday 7 July 2013 13:15

Haven't you heard? In a time of global recession and downright awful economics, suing people over caterpillar-sized issues is apparently the latest trend.