Love and Geek: Today, on our 5th anniversary, I asked my boyfriend what he loved...

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Poole

Today, on our 5th anniversary, I asked my boyfriend what he loved most about me. He told me with brutal honesty that it's how I look like, act like, and have the same first name as his favourite character from Family Guy. FML

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Love

Geek

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Close Zoom, quick sharp

Red flag

By atang - United States

Today, I was leaving a clothing store when the security guard stopped me and demanded that I surrender the clothing I was "trying to steal" by hiding it under my shirt. It turns out, he was just looking at my pot belly. FML

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By AboutToBeHomeless

Today, I received a letter from my landlord's attorney. It said my landlord is terminating my "verbal" lease with him. Ten years ago, the deal began as rent to own. My landlord is my grandfather. FML

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By DOGSNACHER - United States

Today, I woke up to my whole room ruined, it was a mess and everything was torn and chewed up. I suddenly see a dog walk across the hall. I don't have a dog. FML

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By singlesummer - United States - Compton

Today, I was watching a movie alone, after receiving a text from my boyfriend saying that his grandma was at the hospital, so he couldn't go with me. I caught him on a date with another girl, at the same movie screening that I went to. FML

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By Austin - United States - Rancho Cordova

Today, I fell down the stairs of my apartment building because I thought my cat was a ghost. FML

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11569

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By socal000 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for a physical. I've been sitting in the doctor's bathroom for 10 minutes now, trying to think of how to tell him I accidentally tripped and spilled my urine sample on the carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, tears and 3 hours on the toilet have made me reevaluate my desire for new culinary experiences. FML

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By magnolia - United States

Today, I accidentally filled the lemonade machine with margarita mix that already had the tequila mixed in. It was served to three kids before anyone figured it out. FML

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By xoxo - United States

Miscommunication

Today, my boyfriend won't talk to me because I let a giggle slip during sex and he's convinced I was laughing at him. FML

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1722

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By soapisyourfriend - United States - Ashland

Today, cable was installed at my house and the cable guy smelled like some horrid mix of cabbage and cheese. I'm pregnant and suffering from morning sickness. I've sprayed air freshener, lit candles, and opened windows despite the cold outside. I can't get rid of the smell. FML

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19815

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By Kayt - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me for the first time. He stopped just as I was about to orgasm, and asked if I could finish by myself. Apparently he'd come up with a new algorithm for the Rubik's Cube on my desk and wanted to try it out. FML

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By Stupid - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I thought that an ingenious way to protest against high tuition prices would be to steal a box of soymilk from my university dining hall. The box exploded in my backpack. Not only did I lose all my soymilk, I now have replace my $120 calculator. FML

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16848

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By drunkdial - France

Today, I realized that the only time my girlfriend ever calls me is when she's drunk. FML

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30266

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By Khagen - 27/1/2021 05:01

Supportive

Today, after two rounds of antibiotics, I got a yeast infection. My husband started calling me "Yeasty." FML

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600

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By ugh - United States

Today, I found a video camera behind a plant in my bedroom. My husband uses it to video tape himself having sex, with another woman. FML

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40640

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By Username - United States

Today, I got an anonymous letter, stating my condo's community and all my neighbors can hear me having sex. Not only that, but kids gather around my window to listen. FML

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18622

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By RebekahBrooke - United States

Today, I started my first day as a waitress. After getting my ass slapped, drinks and food spilled over me, and being tripped by a bratty kid, my tips were stolen. FML

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39062

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By Loser - United States

Today, I got my girlfriend to play Smash Bros Brawl with me. As it was her first time, I set up handicaps to give her at least a shot at winning. She won, quite handily. A little irritated at this, I took off the handicaps and tried again. She beat me even faster. FML

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43674

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By Anonymous

Mr Commitment

Today, I asked the person I love to commit to me. Instead, he packed his shit and moved out. FML

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1569

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By Anonymous - United States - La Grange

Today, I wanted to pretend to have a seizure so my baby sister could know when to call 911. When I fell down and started to pretend, she decided to drink my soda instead of helping me. FML

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42480

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By Salzburg

Today, my sister and I got a room in the attic of an old hotel, while our parents got a room several floors down. We discovered the room was full of bugs. Our parents didn't believe us, so we brought them some as proof. They told us to get over it. We can't sleep. We've killed 50 and counting. FML

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1967

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend from high school contacted me, telling me we should hang out some time; I casually agreed. Two hours later she's on my doorstep in tears, wanting me to take her back. She's married with kids. I live four states away and haven't a clue how she found out where I live. FML

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61256

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By marcymoo - Australia - Perth

Today, I woke to find my laptop and printer covered in what smells like pee. My boyfriend then confessed to me that he occasionally "sleep-pees". It's like sleepwalking, but where he urinates on random objects. FML

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35847

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By lol112 - United States - Monroe Township

Today, when I was ordering pizza, I got a text from my mom saying "I love you". When the man thanked me I accidentally said, "I love you too." FML

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28692

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss in my police dept. told me to start enforcing the "no bikes on sidewalks" law which we usually ignore. I pulled up behind the first person I saw riding a bike on a sidewalk and flashed my lights. It turned out to be a boy with down syndrome who was so upset he cried and peed. FML

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77444

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By embarrassed

Today, I auditioned for a part in a play. I've been practicing for months, and was very excited. After I finished singing, the director whispered something to the other judges, and they all laughed. Hard. So much for the lead role. FML

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25705

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By Mamallama

Today, I leaned down to pick up my infant son from his highchair. He reached up and grabbed the first thing available to him: my nipple. I got purple-nurpled by my baby. FML

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2286

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was babysitting a really bratty little girl. She came and cuddled up on the couch so I took it as an apology. I feel asleep while she was sitting with me and when I woke up she had peed on me. She locked herself in her room and was laughing about peeing on me for discipling her. FML

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58528

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By stepmom - Australia

Today, I explained to my 5 year old daughter that her older sister from my husband's first marriage lives with her mommy, and my daughter lives with us. She exclaimed, "It's not fair! I want two mommies like she has! Can we swap, I like her mommy better than you anyway!" FML

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41671

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By areyouserious - United States - Fresno

Today, my older brother thinks typing out a Wikipedia article for an essay is not plagiarism, because he didn't "copy and paste" it. He's in college. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sanford

Today, I had to pee in my cat's litter box, just to avoid witnessing my mom having sex in the living room on my way to the bathroom. FML

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By EnderHorse - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth worked on. I got tongue-tied and instead of asking if they could anesthetize me, I accidentally asked if they could euthanize me. FML

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21663

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2020 17:00

Sensitive

Today, my mom had to go off on my grandmother because I don’t have kids yet and she, "wants great grand babies before she dies." My grandmother was going to gift me a baby outfit for me to get another hint. I’m 25 and can’t conceive because of health issues. I may never have my own kids. She knows. FML

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By hesgonnahateme - United States - Benton

Today, I got a promotion and transfer at work. My first responsibility is to fire my soon to be father in-law. FML

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61570

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By :/ - Netherlands - Nijkerk

Today, my mom accused me of stealing money from her purse. Being totally innocent, I reminded her that the only other person with access to it is her boyfriend. She said she trusts him because she loves him. They've been dating for 2 months. I've been her daughter for 25 years. FML

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44102

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By DanniRae - United States

Today, my mom was helping me clean out stuff from college. She opened a box and took out some anal beads I got as a gag gift. She asked, "What are these?" I answered, "They are for massaging your back". She then insisted I show her. I massaged my mother with anal beads. FML

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35234

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By nattnatt73 - United States - Marion

Today, my dog brought me his squeaky toy to throw for him. I went to throw it down the hallway but it hit the door and bounced about a foot in front of him. He just stared at me for a minute like I was dumb, then took it to my boyfriend to throw. I disappoint even my dog. FML

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By Nico - France

Today, like every day since my birth, my name is Spreme. Yeah, you probably have trouble pronouncing it correctly too. FML

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46704

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By Anonymous - United States

Mom hobbies

Today, on a road trip my mom got out to walk her dog. Her jar of Marijuana fell out of the car and rolled across the parking lot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my teacher's comments on my essay read, "I know it's college, but you use a lot of unnecessary words with a lot of syllables." He basically scolded me for having a complex vocabulary. I go to an accredited state university. Nothing says "America" like under-achieving professors. FML

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Top comments

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7573937 - Monday 11 December 2017 15:22

Aw, I'm so happy for you, Greased Up Deaf Guy.

By Mynxie | 26

#7570684 - Friday 1 December 2017 17:12

Lois?

COMMENTS

By donb23 | 23

#7570470 - Friday 1 December 2017 8:01

Megan?!??

TheUnbreakable55 | 16

#7574012 - Monday 11 December 2017 20:01

*Megatron

AdeenCuffing | 12

#7574076 - Monday 11 December 2017 22:58

Actually, in family guy Megs name is short for Megatron.

Caci Johnson | 8

#7574077 - Monday 11 December 2017 23:00

It's definitely Megatron lol

roguespartan113 | 15

#7574725 - Wednesday 13 December 2017 16:35

Her name doesn't mean its Megatron if you remember in one of the eps peter changes it to Megatron

roguespartan113 | 15

#7574727 - Wednesday 13 December 2017 16:36

Isnt*

By Andrea Bi | 4

#7570535 - Friday 1 December 2017 10:11

Brian?

By Mynxie | 26

#7570684 - Friday 1 December 2017 17:12

Lois?

By katmstein | 18

#7572284 - Wednesday 6 December 2017 17:00

'Shut up Meg'

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7573933 - Monday 11 December 2017 15:05

It must be Quagmire.

stormy0307 | 16

#7574271 - Tuesday 12 December 2017 14:37

Gigity

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7573937 - Monday 11 December 2017 15:22

Aw, I'm so happy for you, Greased Up Deaf Guy.

By Schala360 | 27

#7573940 - Monday 11 December 2017 15:29

stewie?

By ohsnapword | 21

#7573943 - Monday 11 December 2017 15:33

Mr. Herbert?

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7573947 - Monday 11 December 2017 15:52

Are you Ollie, the really angry weatherman?

By patate_fml | 6

#7573948 - Monday 11 December 2017 15:55

Shut up Meg !