Love and Geek: Today, on our 5th anniversary, I asked my boyfriend what he loved...

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Poole

Today, on our 5th anniversary, I asked my boyfriend what he loved most about me. He told me with brutal honesty that it's how I look like, act like, and have the same first name as his favourite character from Family Guy. FML

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Love

Geek

Understandable

Dad jokes, part 43884

QUIET PLEASE

By unlucky - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I went to a party. After asking several people about the ingredients in a cake, I took one bite and ended up in the hospital with a severe reaction to the nuts that "definitely weren't" in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jonesboro

Today, at the small daycare I run, I turned around to put something away. I heard a splashing sound and then saw one of my kids vomiting. He puked several times, and managed to hit the only rug in the entire house. FML

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By marriagesux - United States

Today, marks the second week straight without sex. Being a newlywed isn't as great as I thought. FML

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By kraziikayce - United States

Today, my uncle got me a debit card and put $1000 on it for my Christmas present. However, he forgot to activate the card. The receipt with the 14-digit activation code is in the garbage in Colorado. FML

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By argh - United States

Today, my mother gave my daughter a behavior chart. I noticed that "drinking beer" was at the top of one of the columns. It's a chart for my daughter to use on me so my mother can judge my parenting skills. I am currently losing a sticker right now for being on the computer. FML

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By nick - United States - Palm Desert

Today, was my daughter's birthday. I didn't know I had a daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Suwanee

Today, I had so much skin peeling off my lips that it got caught in my fork as I was eating. FML

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By jobless - United States

Today, I discovered out of the 20 job applications only one job called me for an interview. They told me to leave after two sentences. FML

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By scumbag - United States

Today, I got a call from the guy I have been seeing. I wasn't him. It was his wife wondering why I have her husband's number. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2020 19:01 - United Kingdom

Left hanging

Today, I was at work, and I had to tell my manager I was calling someone to bring me a bra as mine had broken mid-shift. I was the only woman on shift. It took them 30 minutes to show up and I still had to serve front of house while I waited. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went on a date after months of rejection and loneliness. Everything was going great until my date argued with me over the correct way to pronounce my name. FML

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By undateable - 18/10/2020 02:01 - United States

Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

Today, I tried to drown out the petulant whining of my idiot coworker as he droned on and on about how, “bitches don’t appreciate good men.” He’s 35, lives at home, still uses the term 'friendzone' and has the hygiene of a sewer-dwelling ogre. I was written up for for snapping and yelling at him. FML

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By OhCanada

Today, my downstairs neighbor is single, clever and incredibly hot, while the upstairs neighbor is loud and obnoxious, not to mention a creep. I silently prayed every day for my neighbor to leave the building, and today, my prayer was answered: my neighbor moved out. Guess which one. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2020 20:01

What goes around…

Today, my wife demanded that I cut all ties with my best friend, just because she doesn't like the jokes he tells. Now she's bitching that she's upset because his wife, who she works with, is talking about her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lawrence

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by taking his new car to the automatic car wash. As soon as the water started, I realized that I forgot to close the sunroof. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saddle River

Today, instead of canceling for the third consecutive time due to work-related reasons, my boyfriend sent his twin brother on our date. They both thought I wouldn't notice. FML

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By Shiva - France - Niort

Today, I decided to clean my apartment from top to bottom. Once I was done, I looked over at my puppy, who then woke up, stretched, got out of his basket and started to pee. I shouted, "No!" Scared, he then ran all over the place, still peeing. FML

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By supersplatoon - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was walking down the street when someone started yelling at me, saying I was dead. I bolted, ran into a pole and when they caught up to me, said "Oh, wrong person." and walked off, leaving me bruised on the ground. FML

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By loueb17 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a 5 year old boy. When I was on the phone with my mom, he called 911 and started to cry. When I got off the phone the police were at the door. It turns out that the "emergency" was that the VCR was not working. FML

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By egged - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I had this really high fever and my sister decides I'm hot enough to fry an egg on. So I'm lying in bed now, still terribly feverish but smelling of the egg she cracked on my back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got into an argument with my wife over how she spends too much time with her gay best friend. Now she says that if I want to ever get intimate with her again, I'll have to let her watch as I give him a striptease. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, at the train station a woman's baggage had gotten stuck in the ticket barriers, so I used my ticket to unlock the barriers for her but told her to wait so I could get through too. She didn't wait. And I got painfully stuck in the barriers whilst I watched my train go by. FML

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By You're NOT getting lucky today hun - Australia - Melbourne

Today, after confronting my boyfriend about cheating on me, he confessed to everything. I was caught off guard by his honesty, but not nearly as caught off guard as I was when he eagerly questioned me on when our breakup sex will be. FML

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By annonymous - United States

Today, while at a neighborhood party, my drunk mother told all our neighbors, including a girl I like, about my struggles with a micropenis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, it's my fifth wedding anniversary. My wife bailed on the romantic dinner that I arranged in favor of running off with her friends. Their big event: an amateur Fight Club event they'd decided to stage in an abandoned parking lot. FML

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By Drewbie - United States - Park City

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend on the bathroom floor, I felt something tickle my balls. I looked back to see her sister's kitten getting in on the action. I think I just had my first threesome. FML

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By xxxzzzooo - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex. He tried to put it in unerected. He was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Salem

Today, my sister came to stay with me in my apartment for the last few weeks of her difficult pregnancy. However she didn't tell me she was bringing her two dogs, her jackass of a husband, my bratty nephew and an inflatable kiddie pool so she could have a natural water birth in my living room. FML

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By phoenixditch - United States - Burke

Today, I was ditched by the guy I flew over two thousand miles to see. His excuse? "I'm just tired. I want to go home and sleep" Later, he checked in at a bar right down the street from the hotel on Facebook. FML

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By justine - United States

Today, I went to see a play. I'm pregnant, so I always need to pee. At intermission, I ran to use the bathroom, but there was a really long line. I asked the woman in front of me if I could pass her. She responded, "You don't look pregnant!", and lectured me about lying while I peed my pants. FML

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By Milked Richard - Australia - Wagga Wagga

Today, I woke up with my penis taped inside a milk bottle. Yes, I'm as baffled as you are. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today, after working the midnight shift at my job, I thought it would be nice to leave a sweet love note along with my boyfriend's favourite candy in his car. Upon finding it, he immediately broke up with me for "breaking into" his car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend yelled at me. Apparently I'm not the "classy girl" he thought I was, and he's not comfortable "doing such vile things in public." I had tried to hold his hand. FML

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By milkymoo - Cyprus

Today, I was catching the bus to my new job. While waiting at the lights, I decided to play the staring game and ended up staring at a woman in the car next to the bus for ages, really creeping her out. It turns out she's my new boss. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was rushed to the hospital to deliver my child. On the way, I called my husband who was in a bar with his friends. Drunk, he just yelled, "BROS BEFORE HOS!!" and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hudsonville

Today, a girl told me she couldn't text me anymore, because she was too tired and had to sleep. Over the next three hours, she updated her Facebook and Twitter accounts, and made a YouTube video of herself singing. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I came home from work and turned on the computer. I logged onto Facebook and saw I had a bunch of notifications. Turns out, everyone on Facebook knew I was single before I did. FML

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By Trash - France

Today, a girl was coming on to me throughout an entire concert, giving me drinks. At the end of the evening, she gave me her MSN address so that we could do other things together. Thanks to all the drinks I'd had, I forgot her address. FML

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By what did I do? - Australia - Sydney

Today, my ex boyfriend got into a physical fight with the guy I've been casually seeing for 9 months. Afterwards, they had a beer, a long chat, and decided this was my fault and I wasn't worth the drama. FML

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By FMLimsomad - United States

Today, I looked outside and I saw that my new car had been snowed on. Sadly the snow had frozen onto the car, so I spent the entire day getting it off. I came inside. By 8pm, my car had snow all over it again, and this time I left the window open. FML

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Top comments

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7573937 - Monday 11 December 2017 15:22

Aw, I'm so happy for you, Greased Up Deaf Guy.

By Mynxie | 26

#7570684 - Friday 1 December 2017 17:12

Lois?

COMMENTS

By donb23 | 23

#7570470 - Friday 1 December 2017 8:01

Megan?!??

TheUnbreakable55 | 16

#7574012 - Monday 11 December 2017 20:01

*Megatron

AdeenCuffing | 12

#7574076 - Monday 11 December 2017 22:58

Actually, in family guy Megs name is short for Megatron.

Caci Johnson | 8

#7574077 - Monday 11 December 2017 23:00

It's definitely Megatron lol

roguespartan113 | 15

#7574725 - Wednesday 13 December 2017 16:35

Her name doesn't mean its Megatron if you remember in one of the eps peter changes it to Megatron

roguespartan113 | 15

#7574727 - Wednesday 13 December 2017 16:36

Isnt*

By Andrea Bi | 4

#7570535 - Friday 1 December 2017 10:11

Brian?

By Mynxie | 26

#7570684 - Friday 1 December 2017 17:12

Lois?

By katmstein | 18

#7572284 - Wednesday 6 December 2017 17:00

'Shut up Meg'

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#7573933 - Monday 11 December 2017 15:05

It must be Quagmire.

stormy0307 | 16

#7574271 - Tuesday 12 December 2017 14:37

Gigity

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7573937 - Monday 11 December 2017 15:22

Aw, I'm so happy for you, Greased Up Deaf Guy.

By Schala360 | 27

#7573940 - Monday 11 December 2017 15:29

stewie?

By ohsnapword | 21

#7573943 - Monday 11 December 2017 15:33

Mr. Herbert?

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7573947 - Monday 11 December 2017 15:52

Are you Ollie, the really angry weatherman?

By patate_fml | 6

#7573948 - Monday 11 December 2017 15:55

Shut up Meg !