Jackieeee93

Today, I was using a public bathroom when a woman backs in, pulls down her pants, and sits on my lap. Needless to say she didn't even notice I was there until I hyperventilated. FML

Sinking feeling

Today, I had to sit for an hour listening to my girlfriend talk to her ex about his testicles. She laughed more during that conversation than she ever has with me. FML

It never rains, it pours

Today, I was walking in rain. I had my hands in my pants pockets, so that the front of the jacket was pointing down. Halfway to Taco Bell, my crotch felt exceptionally wet. I looked down to see a wet spot. The rain on my jacket was channeled to my crotch. FML

Today, a doctor examined my wrist, which is completely swollen and painful. He diagnosed a case of tendonitis and asked me, "Do you use this hand for a particular sort of sport?" I just smiled like a twit. FML

Today, I woke up feeling awesome. I turned to face the sunrise in the window, and as I stretched and let out a big yawn. Only for my boyfriend to say "Baby, turn back over. Your breath smells like turds." FML

Today, I realized that I am dating a 25 year-old man-child. He turns 13 whenever he sees my boobs, complete with big eyes and saying "honk honk" whenever he touches them. FML

Today, me and my girlfriend went and saw "The Blind Side." I sobbed throughout the entire movie. My girlfriend didn't shed a tear. FML

Today, I heard my cat climbing on the counters in the kitchen. To prevent a tremendous avalanche of dishes, I picked up the cat and put it outside. She got scared from the blinds and scurried away leaving deep scratches across my nipple. I wasn't wearing a shirt. FML

Today, I cleaned out my husband's drawer. He had kept every love letter I wrote him for the past 7 years. I smiled, struck by how romantic he was. My bliss was short-lived as I realized that he had also kept every single love letter his other lovers wrote him while we were married. FML

Get on with it

Today, I was the only employee at a video store where I work when it got robbed. After crying, shaking and spending two hours and dealing with the police, my boss called and told me it was good experience and I would know what to do next time, then made me finish my shift, the night shift, alone. FML

Today, I found out that my father asked my best friend to marry him. He's 38 and we're 18. She said yes. FML

Today, I went to the grocery store to stock up on booze for the weekend. After the cashier commented on the size my purchase, I claimed to be hosting a dinner party tonight. I'm not. FML

Relaxed

Today, I was at Target buying four coloring books. As I was in line, the woman behind me said that buying coloring books was a good idea to keep my kids occupied. I smiled and said that it would give me a few minutes to relax. I'm a 26 year-old guy with no kids. The coloring books were for me. FML

Today, I got a call from my daughter's pre-school. Apparently, she is being suspended, for answering; "What do your parents do at home?" She told them, "My parents fuck." FML

Today, I was hit on by a guy who decided to use the line, "My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in." FML

You what?

Today, I had a rare phone call from my ex-girlfriend. We ended up talking for hours about old times. It was the best conversation we have had in forever, it made me miss her and miss us. Later on in the day, she called back asking what we talked about. She was too high too remember. FML

Today, my boyfriend took me on a surprise date, destination unknown. I dressed up, he had a tux on. We went to McDonalds. FML